I can't really fully remember what happened with the relationship. It was really hard because of the fact that Mark wasn't out and he really didn't want me to tell anybody about us. I was just happy that I had a boyfriend and really didn't think about the repercussions of it. There were things that I wanted to do like hold his hands in public or kiss him or hug him whenever I wanted. I couldn't do them because I was too scared that we would put ourselves in danger. There was also the parents factor. My family didn't know. We pretty much skipped school to see each other. I think three months went by and we just both didn't want to deal with all these stresses. We ended the relationship. It was kind of devastating because he kept me happy. The relationship gave me some hope that I would be happy and it ended up not working out. Mark and I stayed friends after that.
We promised each other that no matter what, we will be there for each other. We're still there for each other even after 4 years.
It took me a while to get over the whole Mark thing. During that time, I started telling more and more of my friends. It got a lot easier and I slowly became happy at my situation. I might not have a boyfriend but I had friends to talk to and not have to worry about lying or hiding myself.
Summer of my senior year was great. I started meeting a lot of gay people from all over the place. I finally got the chance to hang out with people like me. I went to this Great Adventure event. It was the unofficial gay day at Great Adventure. I went with my friend Jeff. As soon as I got there, I started talking to a lot of people which was great. Ron is a really good friend who I also met there. He introduced me to everyone. He also introduced me to this obnoxious person who I didn't like in the beginning, his name was Owen.
Owen had a boyfriend who I thought was really hot. After the Great Adventure thing though, I thought that I would never see these people again. Ironically, I started to hang out with a lot of them. Ron and I hung out a lot that summer and he was good friends with Owen at that time. So all three of us ended up hanging out a couple of times. I started to like Owen a lot but he had a boyfriend so I didn't want to say or do anything. Owen and I started talking online a lot, too. So one day we decided to hang out alone. That's when things started to happen. I know people are going to yell at me, I was wrong for doing anything but all I thought about was this is an oppurtunity to be with someone that felt so right and I didn't want to miss that oppurtunity. He was such a charming guy and everything I looked for in a person. He was comfortable with himself and had set goals. He was pretty much everything I wanted to be.
Well we shouldn't forget that he has a boyfriend. I didn't want to hurt anybody so I asked him to make a choice after he gets back from California. So I waited and waited. He went to California for a week. During that time he would email me and talk to me online and on the phone. I missed him so much and I wanted him to choose me but in my heart I felt that he was going to choose his current boyfriend. I guess I really didn't have any confidence in myself. He came home July 3rd and went right over to my house. He told me he broke up with his boyfriend and asked me out. I was so glad he did. It was probably one of the most memorable moments in my life.
Owen intimidated me though. He was out to his parents. He came out when he was 12 or something. I was this fool who didn't have enough guts to tell my mom. I thought, the first step to achieving Owen status was to tell my mom and my family. I think my mom kind of had the clue that I was gay. So I decided to let Owen stay over one night, two weeks after we started going out. My family went to Atlantic City and was coming back the next day. I didn't really want to tell my mom that I was gay, I wanted to show her instead. Owen and I slept on the same bed and cuddled and the next morning my mom walks in my room. I woke up and she looks at us then leaves the room. I waited for like 2 minutes because I was nervous as hell to approach her. I was so scared going into her room. I didn't know what her reaction was going to be. What if she kicks me out was the first thought that ran into my head. I wanted to tell her though because she needed to know and I wanted to be happy. She was sitting on the bed when I came in there and looked at me.
She asked why he was white.....................All these thoughts ran though my mind about being scared and stuff and all she asked was why he was white. I wanted to cry right there; I was so relieved. She was cool with the whole gay thing but she seemed a little distressed with the whole white thing. My mom isn't big on interracial dating in the family and I guess the whole white thing was a bigger deal than me having a guy on the bed. She was partly joking with it. I think this was her way of telling me that I kind of knew and that I still love you and I don't care about it. I was really close to my mom up until this whole thing started to get me depressed. This was a way to get us closer again.
My whole family knew about the whole gay thing after a couple of hours and they all didn't care. I was happy about the fact that I can come home and not hide myself anymore. I had a place to bring my boyfriend and relax. It was awesome. I can detect some discomfort at first though when I kissed Owen or hugged him. They told me later on that they just weren't used to me being affectionate with another guy. They are cool with the gay thing but they just haven't seen two guys kiss or hug.
I pretty much grew up with Owen. I was 17 when we started going out and 19 when we ended the relationship. There were a lot of fights and battles but we loved each other. It was seriously a great relationship and he was someone to look up to. His family took me in. We intergrated our lives. My friends became his and his became mine. I think that was a good and a bad thing. We really didn't have lives of our own. We were together so much. We loved each other so much that we both really didn't care about what we are doing wrong, we just wanted to make each other happy. A lot of fighting went in the relationship and I think that was part of the growing up process.
I went to college while I was going out with Owen. His dad taught in the college that I went to, NJCU. The most ironic part about it was that he was one of my proffessors. When I went to college, I wasn't scared to come out. I knew that people there were pretty open minded. I just scared myself sometimes. What if this/ what if that? I knew that they would all be cool with it but I was a little scared, I eventually told them. Having your boyfriend's father for a proffessor was kind of interesting. I really didn't want to go to college but also didn't want to let Mr. O'Brien down. He saw potential in me, atleast that's what he told me.
During one of Mr O'Brien's classes, he pointed out that a plane crashed into one of the Twin Towers. We all looked outside. I called Owen because I wanted to see if he was alright and he said he was alright. 10 minutes later we were watching the window and another plane was flying by. Me and this girl Natalia said to each other, that would be funny if the plane crashed into the other building. We found out a 5 seconds later that it did. We were in shocked. All of you know that this is the whole 9/11. It was weird seeing this happen right in front of us. Such a big event, and we were watching it right outside the window. I had to comfort some of my friends because they were crying but inside, I was really scared too. I spoke to my mom and everyone in my family after that to see if they were ok and I was trying to get a hold of Owen but the phone service was turned off and you really couldn't get a hold of anyone. His dad just told me to wait. Mr. O'Brien drove me home because all the trains and public transportation had to stop. I just sat in the car worried and was wondering what was going on. Classes were cancelled the next day and I really didn't want to get out of my house. I didn't know if anything else was going to happen after that day. Owen also got a hold of me and told me he stayed with a family or something and that he and his friends were safe, I was glad to hear that.
Everything calmed down after a couple of weeks but the whole event was still in the back of my mind. I realize that these things will happen and that I shouldn't be scared. I also just stopped worrying about a lot of things and not think of what if's. I matured a lot after the whole 9/11. I started thinking diferently about a lot of things in life. Im not going to preach about it here because that's for another homepage :p. Anyways, remember 9/11....
Lets get back on track. Owen and I broke up after almost 2 years. We've had a lot of good and bad times in the relationship and we both thought it was time. We both realized a lot of things before we ended the relationship; things that we were both too scared to tell each other. We took our breaks and went back out, we fought and made up. Our love for each other was very strong. We integrated our lives. My friends became his and his became mine and that was a big mistake. We didn't have lives of our own.....