The Hard Times

04/25/2002

I guess what’s bothering me right now, is that I have no proof that I am going to be able to make this freelance thing really fly. I mean I guess I am doing pretty good, considering, I have been out of work for almost 4 months, and I haven’t missed a beat, but I want more regular work, I had work going into my second month. SO, I really believe I can do this, but I guess that is surprising me that I can believe it, because it’s a leap of faith. I guess I am actually having one of those, despite the naysayers and the negative people in my life that say “There’s no way to make money as a writer”. That’s bullshit. And I mean maybe this time has been good for me to have to be able to make art for Betty and the Inman Park Festival and spend time in the house, really loving it, and garden, and hang out with Sheba Shebes, and see people. I mean, I have to remember, this is just the beginning, I am in the beginning, and I am always in a rush to finish, but when I am in a panicked rush like that, I miss the details, you know, I miss things, and the fact of the matter is I am getting so much out of this time, finding out who I am, what I am capable of, what I want to do with my life, making enough money to survive, I have really been down playing that, and focusing on not having enough, but the fact is, I have had plenty! And I am fine..for atleast 3 months, if nothing else came in, and I feel certain that it will. So, it’s all good, shit 3 months takes me into the end of July, and lot could happen by then, so it’s all cool. I don’t need to feel bad, there is absolutely no reason to, I am living the life I want to, I am making enough money to survive, and I am in love, so what the fuck is there to be wrong, absolutely nothing.

04/12/2002

I'm back! Wow, I feel like I have been off in some strange adventure, and I just got back. After getting the axe from my job, things have been totally turned around. I have been spending most of my time looking for freelance work, and sometimes working, though this month has been slow so far, because I had two deals fall through from folks who were trying to get something for nothing. That's too be expected just starting out on my own. I had a lot of ideas about how my life was going to be after the EzGov years came to and end. It's really not been the way I thought, but when is it ever. I have been managing though, so that's all that really matters. Lately I have been trying to understand about how much control I really have over my life. I mean, I can put myself out there, and market myself like a crazy woman, as a freelance writer, but if people don't have money to spend, then there's not much I can do, except keep doing what I am doing. It's a tough racket, but then sometimes I think, if I could believe it was easy, would it be? I guess the questions is, how much control do I really have over my own life, especially when other people are involved. I can't control the universe, can I? Maybe it's not about control, maybe it's working in partnership with the universe, and going with the flow. When I was younger, I could go with the flow, it seems, much easier. But also I have to consider, my standards for my life were a lot lower then. So, there you go. All I know for sure, is that no matter what I end up doing, I just can't see myself going back to work for the "corporate machine", anymore. It's too tough for me, because I know in my heart of hearts, that I don't belong there, and I have to lock so much of myself away, just to deal with being in that kind of dead environment. I mean, obviously, it works for a lot of people, but I have been there and done that. I learned a lot, I learned how to play the game, but shit, it makes me miserable. So, as of right now, I have no idea what is to become of me, but I am still here! I haven't fallen off the face of the earth yet, and I have been keeping my bills paid, so I guess I am all right. I am making my art,and putting myself out there, and doing my thing, and singing my song, and being in love and planting flowers. Ok, well, I will try to keep this more updated. Later. Love, M

01/30/2002

I have the strangest sensation today, like everything is starting to open up like a flower inside of me. I didn’t even realize how unhappy and trapped I felt before the layoff, when I was working day in and day out for stupid EzGov. Wow. Even though I am not making much money yet, I think I will. I did make a week’s worth this week though, so I feel all right. I just have to keep contacting people. Can’t give up the dream, man. I will make it.. SO, I think it’s important for me to stop being so obsessed with money, and just make the assumption that it is there. There is plenty of money and plenty of people who want my services and are willing to pay me for them, pay me well. I have no reason to doubt that, no matter what anyone says. I feel like I am on some kind of elevated plain right now. I am doing what I want, I am going to write some shit though and send it off to some of these contests and what not. I suddenly realized today, that my life is starting to feel “seamless”. I feel like I am getting myself set up to have the kind of life I have always dreamed up with work that satisfies me and affords me time to write my own stuff and do my art. My boyfriend is really cool too! And things are going well there. I am having a stellar day because I got my first freelance writing job as a free agent, sense the layoffs. SO, I really feel like this is my breakthrough job, and that there will be lots more to follow. I imagine, that in like 6 months I will be making really good money as a free agent, and then I will be able to take trips when I want and fix up my house the way I want to, and just beat the system. I see very clearly now, that I was never meant to be an office worker bee. I know that works for some people, but I hate it. I mean, I have learned a lot in my 5 years of corporate start-up work. I have learned a ton, but I see now that I am much better off making my own rules, and having a variety of writing jobs, and the time to write my own stuff creatively and go to the gym or do what I need to do during the day. It’s going to be great. I have a good feeling about my future, and honestly, I haven’t felt this good about it in along, long time. So good for me! Be bold, and the mighty forces will come to your aid.

01/14/2001

Criminy, why do I fight writing, when really, writing is all I want to do? It’s a question, and a damn good one. I haven’t written much since I got laid off. I have been too obsessed working on finding work, because I am totally obsessed right now. The problem is that I am not terribly focused and I am a little scared today. It’s like I doubt my own abilities, or I just get frustrated. I do want to start my own gig though, writing, and I do think I can do it. It’s important for me to have faith and not get overwhelmed with fear. Fear is the number one show stopper right now. I believe that everything will work out, and I know I won’t end up on the street. It’s just a very alone feeling to get laid off I think. It’s like one minute, you are a part of something, and the next minute you are dead, at least to the people who do the laying off. It’s not a good feeling. I am just glad that ego-wise, I started losing my sense of importance with that job a few months ago. It still does feel a bit like getting kicked out of the family. SO now I am on my own, and I am pretty damn motivated to make something happen, but I gotta keep focused and visualize what I want. I can’t be flakey about it, because I think even with just minimum effort I really could succeed. I just must keep my chin up. It’s a lonely feeling, like me against the world. The thing that I have to remember is that. So, if my life were to be exactly how I wanted it, how would it be? Well, I would be married to someone that I love. I would have my own business up and running writing a variety of material. I would make my own schedule, take vacations when needed, have a kid. I could get my sister involved so that when I had a kid we could work together. I really want it, to be able to write and work for myself for a living. Meanwhile, I could finish my book, get other things published, and live the kind of life I have always dreamed about. I don’t need to listen to the negative flack about how it’s hard and blah blah. I really feel I can do it, I just gotta keep the faith and keep my motivation up and my focus. SO..lalala..We shall see.

12/29/2001

So wow, it's a little scary to think that my boyfriend and I could have died Friday night. A fire started in a trashcan, and we were in bed, almost asleep, when I smelled something burning, I thought. I asked my boyfriend if he smelled anything and he said no. But I was pretty sure I smelled plastic burning, so I got up, and remembered that I had just dumped an ashtray in the garbage in the office, and sure enough, the can was on fire, there was some paper in there too, so I guess the embers caught the paper, and the room was so full of smoke, I couldn't even see Sheba and I took the trash can very calmly, to the kitchen to put it out and took it outside, then I ws like "Oh crap, my dog!", and I came in and she was like lying on her bed, all confused, with her eyes closed, and I grabbed her collar, because it was clear she couldn't see, and pulled her out, and got her outside. Nothing else was on fire at this point there was just lots of smoke. Then the alarm started going off, and it wouldn't stop, I guess because smoke was still getting to it, so I kept having to punch in the code, but it was blocking my phone line, so I couldn't receive a call from the security company. So, because of that, the fire department came. Just in one small truck, they didn't seem overly concerned, but ofcourse I was out in the yard in my pajamas, and they seemed more concerned about that, ha. Then I asked them to come inside and help me get the alarm off, and they did. It was wierd though, I think I was still recovering from it on Saturday, because I mean seriously, if we had ignored it, and the flames had built upin the trash can, my computer was right there, and this crappy veneer desk, and more papers in here, the whole thing might have lit up like a bonfire, and Sheba would have died for sure, and really, if we hadn't woken up, we seriously could have died, and I cold have lost the house. But none of that happened, but it was still pretty freaky. It was wierd too, because I had just been joking about us being like Sid and Nancy, as I was smoking in the bed, but that's not what caught on fire. Anyways, I guess it struck a cord in me too, because it was just under a year ago, when Bryan Mundy (who was the CEO of EzGov), and his girlfriend, died in a fire at his house, and I remember thinking at the time, well how could that happen, well, with smoke you just never know, and really, we took our chances staying in the house trying to keep the alarm from going off more and more, instead of just leaving. I think, people, in general, think they can handle situations that they really may not be able to. Luckily, we were able to, but it was scary, and the windows were all nailed shut, and I had to undo them with a tool. So, that's about it. Just needed to write that down. More later. Love, M

12/20/2001

So wow, it's been some time since I have written anything, I guess it's just that I have been so busy absorbing good things in my life and also, this is always a hectic time of year..No matter how you slice it, X-mas time is maddening. I am ahead of the game in that regard, and that's not really what I came here to talk to you about. I want to talk about that I feel really freaking good! I started a new thing, I guess it's sort of a "love" thing, or it might could be, it's really too early to tell. I don't want to get all caught up in the what if's and the future, you know, I just want to enjoy it for what it is right in the here and now, because really that's all we have anyway. It's really nice though, to have someone around who is super sweet to me, and who is loving and gentle and kind. I like to talk to him too, and it's just so wierd, because he is an old friend, who I would never have imagined any of this happening with, if you had asked me a year ago, or even just a few months ago. It's all totally unexpected, but that only makes it more fun, because it's like, a nice big surprise from the universe. And, I tried to fight it, as I do most things, and I tried to talk myself out of it, but then i just decided to not do that, and not turn my back on this possibility..so, I am just experiencing this thing and letting it go whereever it might. This is so much fun for me! It's been a long, long time since I felt smitten about anybody, and I had actually begun to think that it would never happen again. I had been concentrating on allowing good things into my life, like working with the universe on a more cooperative level, instead of fighting, and struggling all the time, and so, I think because of that, I am able to let love in finally. It's great to click with someon, after so long of trying to make things click, where they just weren't clicking..and that goes for a lot of areas, like, it goes back to that whole, square peg round hole thing, that I have been dealing with with my job and other areas of my life. Right now, for the record, I need to say, I feel really hopeful, that I may actually be able to get all the things I want in my life, for real! I mean, why not, I think really, it's all right there, it's just a matter of me accepting it in..Sounds simple? Well, simple, and complicated at the same time. So, we shall see what happens, won't we?

12/02/2001

So wow, it seems like November is gone like the wind. I have been so busy lately too, this is always a busy time though socially with the holidays and my birthday and all. I am 32 now..that's kind of hard to fathom, not because it's a terrible thing, but it just seems so wierd to me, to be 32..I kind of like the sound of it, and I didn't get so upset this year as I have in the past on birthdays. Ofcourse, my friends really helped me this year, like by leaving flowers on my steps in the morning, that really made my day! SO what else, been on a few more dates, but nothing really has come out of them, although I am learning a lot and it's nice to get my feet wet in the dating world again, since for so long I was too caught up in a couple of guy's who didn't even love me the way I wanted them too really, but I was involved to the point, where I didn't want to try to see anyone else. and now, it's like, I am just meeting new people, and going out and being social. I don't really expect to find love this way, not really, but it's not a bad way to spend some time, widening my circle of friends and what not. I really do feel like I was in a bubble for such a long time, and it's like I have to reassimilate into the world again so that's cool. I have come to the inclusion, that I will not find love by seeking it out, I think more likely, that as I seek love inside of myself, it will be drawn to me. I don't know how to explain it..but that's just the way I feel. Ok...have a nice day. .

11/10/2001

Yay! It's Saturday, and the world is my oyster. That is one cool thing about being single is I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. I really enjoy the freedom of it and last weekend was great, but I didn't have much alone time, which I actually find that I need a little every week, and it's been a whirlwind of a week. It seems the more comfortable I get with myself, the wierder my life as I knew it before seems, when I was I guess, trying to be someone I am truly not. I mean, I was partly me, but mostly, just a shadow of myself trying to force myself into a space that just didn't fit. I still have a hard time believing that I was doing that, but I was. So be it. Now, I feel as though I am morphing.It's all different now, but the strange thing is not that many people know it. But I am talking about people in my life who are pretty much just consumed with themselves..even more than I am. haha. Gosh, I had another freak stranger attack yesterday. Not attack, but I find, the freakiest people feel compelled to talk to me when I am wandering downtown, trying to catch my breath from work. Work! Ugh! What is going on there? I really don't know. A lot of passive aggressive BS if you ask me. But I still manage to do a good job, I am not sure how I do it. Shoot, sometimes, I am not sure how it is that I do anything. I still want to move far, far away from here. But there are several things that I have to take care of first and I am through pretending that I am someone I am not. I think at some level, I am also looking for a reason to stay, but so far, I haven't found one. This ofcourse means that there will be people, more people in my life who will fall away, or I will fall away from them. When there is change, it seems, there is always fall out. But, that's kind of the story of my life, so I am used to it. I just have to be brave, and strong, and make sure I am aware of where my head is at and just keep moving and keep looking on the inside..that's all I can do..Tralala. .

11/04/2001

Hi World. Believe it or not I am all mellow, because I just got back from the mountains with some friends. It was so fantastic, I can't even tell you how great it was! I remembered who I was! How exciting. But seriously, I feel like that place is a sacred place, the 60's decorated A-frame lost in the mountains, brought me back to myself. SO thanks! I mean, seriously, I realized I had been "gone" for a long time, really long. But I guess I went where I needed to go to get where I am, so it's all cool. It felt so great when my friend Ashley and I were sitting up in that meadow lying in the grass with the sun shining on us, but not too hot. It felt like god was hugging us. It was fantastic..really, a much needed getaway. I feel like I need to give Ashley and Emmett a thank you gift for persisting with me, that I go up there, for real. It was so quiet up there, that's what really struck me, was how quiet it was, I mean, there was no sound out there on the deck, just the wise trees and the sacred mountains. I wish I could have beamed my cats up there, and maybe a laptop, and just stay there for a month. This past year has been really tough, and soon, I am coming up on another birthday. The big 32! Wow, it's nice though because whatever I was going through before the weekend, I feel like I have pushed through it now, and it seems in the moment that the sky is the limit! So, we shall see what happens won't we? Ok, gotta go bask in my own serenity now for a while.

10/27/2001

OK, I am much calmer now! Haha. No really I am much calmer then I was a few days ago, though I am still not sure what the hell to do with myself, but it's Saturday, so I am taking it easy and just trying to takecare of the tasks right in front of me. I have a few mundane things to take care of today, and after that I am going to do some art. Last night I was thinking about how bizarre the Internet really was. I mean, it's like a place, but it's not a place, you know? I have been working in the Internet/IT field for more than 5 years now, and so much of my day to day activity happens on this nonexistent place, where people are. It's very wierd. I figured out that I spend more time on the Internet, with my work and all my e-mailing and this site and everything, than I even do sleeping. Ofcourse, I don't sleep much, so..My cat is going crazy running around. Um..so what else, I am going to meet another stranger tommorrow. I don't know what will come of it, or if anything will, I have no expectations, other than for me to be nice and him to be nice, at least polite I mean. I have to redeem myself from the date from hell on Monday. I mean, I am sure it wasn't all him, I think, we just weren't the least bit compatible, even just as two people sitting and having a conversation..I realized that a little too late. I mean it happens, but I have never been so psychically offended, well that's not true, it's just been a while. I actually slept pretty good last night, at least this morning, I slept. I tend to sleep better after the sun comes up..I am like a vampire that way..but not in so many others. Anyways, this episode seems boring, I think I am just in crouch position right now, or perhaps I am napping internally. If I have more to say tomorrow, or the next, don't worry I will! Later!

10/23/2001

Have you ever felt so completely unsettled in your own life that you could scream, or maybe just cry or just flip out for a minute? Well, than you know how I feel. I was just sitting out at a café , still recovering from the horror of the blind date the night before, and I was thinking about many things. I mean, what the hell am I still doing here? I keep trying to make things happen for me, and they just aren’t, so that makes me think, wow, maybe I have really hit the end of my road, you know here. Maybe it’s been time for me to go, and it’s just taken me this long to catch up to myself. I have gotten all my friend’s married off, I bought a house, because I thought it would help me set roots here, but it didn’t, it only made me want to leave more. And now, I mean, all my friend’s are married off, I hate my job, and I am not happy here, house or not. I mean, and the thing is I don’t know what to do. What would I do if I could do anything in the world? Honestly, without worrying about the implications? I would a) either sell my house and try to make a little bit of a profit, find somewhere I would rather be. Or b) refinance my house, get the mortgage cheaper and rent it and move somewhere I would rather be..haha Maybe I am just talking crazy, but I just don’t feel like I belong here anymore. Someone I met reminded me of something that I had forgotten. I mean, I feel like I have been hitting a brick wall for years here, but I just hadn’t wanted to face it. I mean what is here for me really? I mean, ever since I started asking the universe for a push forward in the right direction, I have been wanting to get the hell out of dodge, not just wanting to , but feeling an incredibly deep push, like the feeling of a wave that I might catch, right before it crashes and propels me into the shore. I am resisting it though, I am fighting it, because it scares me. I need to not be so scared. This is a process that has been unfolding for years, and I guess it’s just time for a bit more of a push…Criminy..buckle your seat belts kids!

10/17/2001

Hi world! I haven't been here for a while, and for that I do apologize, if it even matters. I am lately feeling full of life, since I asked the hands of whatever the hell they are to push me forward, not push me back,and it's been great,a great feeling to feel alive again, but at the same time it's kind of frustrating because I wish I had someone to dance with wildness with me at the edge of the forest. I want to express my deep mirth with someone. Also, I feel kind of crazy for feeling this happy, when the shit is hitting the fan everywhere, I mean, maybe that's wrong, but I can't help it, because I suddenly realized, I am not afraid, and that fills me with energy! I realized recently, that I have been living in fear for a while, not all together but mostly, I think it's taken me this long to recover myself from the shattering that happened a long time ago, and maybe it's somewhat miraculous,but the tragic events of late, have reminded me that I am not dead..Perhaps that's crazy, I don't know. But I am not dead and I don't want to be dead, because I want to tell the story. Someone has to do it right? I mean that's what I do, I observe and I tell the story, so if I were dead I wouldn't be able to do that. Damn, that was a long sentence. Like today I was thinking about all the unhappy looking people on the train, and the tired people, and the people reading their papers, and putting on their make up and looking out the window as the sun shown brightly, and sleeping, I thought, wow, all these people were laughing babies once. You know? I wonder what happened to them? Terrible things? good things? I hope more good than terrible, but I think terrible is impossible to avoid at some point or another..things can't be good all the time, but I guess really it's all in the perception of one's mind, you know. Ok, this one is particularly obscure, don't you think? Groovy.

09/26/2001

So wow, what's going on now? I think maybe I am finally learning to let go of the things that I still hang on to, although barely. It's like before I was hanging on by a shoestring, which is pretty thin I must say, but now I am hanging on by a frayed piece of a piece of a string. I put myself out there yesterday, I called this person who I have been thinking about for a long, long time, or really several months, but I didn't have the guts to call him or something, or I felt like too much time had passed, or something. But anyway, last night, my thoughts about him were very strong,and even then it had probably been like 10 years since I saw him, I decided that if I looked him up in the phone book, and he was in there, then I would call him blindly, not even knowing if it was really the right one.

But, guess what? It was! I was so happy to hear his voice and he was really happy to hear from me, and ever since then, like today, the light seems brighter and I feel more peaceful and happy then I have in months, despite all the terrible sadness since the attacks, and the impending war. Those are all real things and sad to, but just hearing a friendly voice from days past, made me feel so calm and like I was going to be ok. I don't know why I felt this push to contact this person after so long, but I did. Now I feel like there is a slight exciting possibility that I will finally get to experience love with person, even though I have no idea where that comes from either.The funny thing is that as I was talking to him, it seems that our lives have paralleled a lot. He's like my little wonder twin! At the very least, I am recovering a dear old friend, so it's cool. I hope I am not just crazy, but whatever, who cares, I am just going with the flow.Life is to short to hesitate. Peace to the world.

09/16/2001

So, yeah this week has been very difficult and strange for everyone, and I hope my words do not fail me now, because I would like to express myself a little bit about the horrible beyond imagination events that happened in this country last Tuesday. My heart goes out to all those who have lost family members and friends and coworkers. I can't even begin to express my sadness and grief I feel for those people. I pray for all the souls too, that they find themselves to a better place. I know that's a small comfort, but it helps me a little. As an American, and a human being who feels things, I am hurting, and I am sad and angry too and feeling vulnerable, more than ever. I think that's part of the difficulty for everyone, and to me, ofcourse this tradegy affects the people closer to it the most, I have to say that this tradegy affects everyone whether they realize it or not. It worries me. I never really thought of myself as patriotic before, although a few years ago when I went to Tanzania a few months before the embassy was bombed there, but it was a peaceful place when I was there, but it really made me see how much we have here, and how we are the most free society in the world.

I know there are people suffering in this country from poverty and other wretchedness, and I don't mean to minimize that issue. What I am trying to say is that I am grateful that I live in this free society and it worries me that everything has changed. I mean, I never thought anything like this would happen on this level, but it did, I was in shock for several days,and I am still absorbing it all, and trying not to get overwhelmed. This tradegy shakes the foundation of who we are, and I just hope that we are strong enough to forge ahead. I think we are, but it's going to be a long process. I don't think just going and bombing countries that harbor terrorist camps is going to solve the problem. I am afraid that will just cause more senseless death and violence.We have to be smart about this, smarter then the terrorists and we have to pull together globally.

I am also deepy saddened by the news that in this country that contains people with ancestors from all over, that people would strike out at Arab or Islamic Americans, just because they "look like the terrorists". I am asking people, begging them, to please do something constructive or creative with their anger, don't strike out at innocent people, and judge them by their outward appearance. I know it's paranoia driven, and it's scary to think that a few people who lived among us were planning and plodding this horrific act, but please, don't act too quicky on your own anger or judgement. We can't judge a nationality of people, because a few people of perhaps similar decent, did these terrible things.

Now is not the time to be short sighted. Now is the time, to pull together and help each other heal, and support the decisions made by an institution, however imperfect, that will ultimately prevail, I believe. It is a time for strength and intelligence and love. These are going to be difficult times, but we still must do what we have to, and take care of our children and try to make the world a better place, that is my belief. I will think good thoughts for all those who suffer, and have hope for everyone. Thanks for listening.

09/02/2001

Have you ever done something, completely out of character, and then realized suddenly that you weren't at all the person that you believed yourself to be? That you might actually have one less label, or stigma, or problem? I am talking about a big one too! Damn, well if you have then you know what I have been experiencing of late. It's Labor Day Weekend, it's quiet. I like that. I am in the mood to be alone...which is a good thing because I am. Alone is a good place to be when I am rethinking my entire self. I wish there was someone I could talk to who had been through something similar, but honestly, I know of no one. So yeah, I did something, that could change the course of my life forever. It wasn't that big of a deal, and yet it's a huge deal. There are many people who would completely cut me off from their life if they knew, but I don't know if I am going to tell them or not, why? Because, frankly the people in question haven't truly been there for me, or me for them in a long time. Our paths have shifted away from each other, so I am not sure I owe them the total honest truth. I think I will play it by ear. I feel very much on my own. I am hanging on to no one right now, except myself and then there's my spiritual connection, that feels stronger than ever. That's wierd to me, considering, I have been told over and over, that if I do what I did, I would lose it immediately and probably die. But, so far, that isn't the case. It's very strange, to realize, although I know it's been coming, but to fully realize, that beliefs I held on to for many, many years, simply aren't true for me anymore, although they once were, but things change. That idea, gives me something to chew on, and in a way ,it's good, because it gives me something to think about other then my broken heart, which, by the way, doesn't hurt as bad as it did a couple of weeks ago, although it still hurts some. It catches me at the wierdest moment, like suddenly, in the grocery store, or just doing every day things, I will get this pain. I just try to breath through it and carry on. Many other things in my life are sort of up in the air. But so what, I am used to that. Anyway, happy labor day to all those strangers who feel compelled to read this crap. More soon.

08/16/2001

Have you ever been so in love with someone that it felt like your whole body mind and spirit were in sync when you were with them, and the union makes this comforting, warm buzz that runs down to your toes? When you were with them, did you ever feel like the best of you that you could be, because the other person challenged you to be that person and you met their match? And you felt understood and accepted and appreciated and visa versa? Well, then you know how I feel (felt). Unfortunately, the person who sets this madness off, is either too afraid, or simply doesn’t feel the same way, so the pain of that feels terrible. Like a thousand knives running into my heart and my soul, the rejection is worse then I have ever known, and I am not a stranger to rejection either.
I am not speaking about a crush or even a sexual attraction by itself, I am speaking of love that feels like God ordained it. This has been going on for a year, and my feelings do not wane. I have tried to make them, I have tried to let it go, and I have let the person go, but that love courses through my veins like blood and the emptiness I feel not being able to share it is unbearable, although it does make me feel alive. I am alive! But I am in pain.

The most beautiful intimate experience of my life happened with this person who I love, and it was perfect in it’s innocence, and it wasn’t about sex. It was about exploring each other’s bodies and stroking but nowhere sexual and playing with each other’s hands and holding each other in the morning light, and that few hours was perfect, if perfection exists in the world.

When he left, I cried like a baby, I felt like something had been ripped away from me, like my heart was being pulled out through my throat. I haven’t been able to revel in the having of the experience much, because I have been too upset with him saying he didn’t want to go anywhere with me, but with another girl of the same name, but then he told me that didn’t work out for him, I don’t understand anything right now. I am feeling so lost, I can’t get rid of the feelings, I am sad all the time and unfocused. I know I could be great! A great love, a great writer a great artist, a great teacher, a great mother, but my sadness holds me back. I keep thinking someone must have cursed me, but I think I must have cursed myself, so now I can’t remember how to undo it, and therefore I am living in a hell of my own making. Shit!

But the thing is, I thought he was gone forever, but now he is back, but not in the capacity I want him to be. Instead he just keeps asking me silly questions and trying to keep me in his life, but I don’t understand for what purpose when he says it is too dangerous to explore the intensity we had with each other. I am lost in the dark forest of my own yearning. I have no idea how to get found. Send help!!

08/05/2001

Ugh. I don't really even know what to say. I have been sick in my head with a cold and sick in my heart, because it got broken, again. I am still not over that, of course it all went down just last week. I can tell when I am down, because people that I normally like annoy me, and I want to be alone. I guess it's just that I have so many people in my life that are so full of shit,sometimes. I mean, they are nice people, and I love them, but the bullshit level is quite high. Maybe I am full of it too, I don't know. Soon, I am going to start doing some volunteer work for this Org that tries to help homeless teens. I am hoping it will bring a level of realness to my life that i so desperately need. Anyway, this is short today, but I don't feel like writing much. Maybe later.

07/22/2001

Hi World. What's new? It's Sunday. I have had a lot of fun this weekend. I, once again, managed to keep ahold of my faculties, in a situation where I could have done something, that I really didn't want to, but I didn't do it. If you don't know what I am talking about, well don't worry about it. Most of this crap I write is just for me to sort my shit out, and if whoever reads it gets something out of it, then good for you! It's really just the ramblings of a mad woman to me.
So, I finally broke down and wrote this man, who I care for so much, that it feels like tiny knives stabbing me in my heart. I mean, I was feeling it last night, even though I had a great time at dinner with my friends. We got dressed up and went out, and spent this entire gift certificate. When I got home though, I was well aware that I had that feeling like the cold wind blowing through my insides. Gosh, I forgot how much it hurts sometimes, to love people. I remember now, why I tried to shut that part of myself off for a while, and I did, you know, but since the unthawing of my heart, damn, it hurts a lot more. I don't understand why it feels like the people that I love down to the tips of my toes, are often turning their back on me. Maybe I am choosing to love the wrong people, but then again I think, do we really choose who we love, or does love choose us and then all we can choose at that point, is what to do about it? I mean I have loved many people, and they have loved me, but not always the way I want or the way they want. Maybe I am giving love too much power, because it's not something I really have a handle on. I don't know. I can see very clearly, for example, that this man that I love, truly, madly and deeply, that it doesn't seem like we will ever be together. Ofcourse, I suppose, never say never, since in my humanity, I can sometimes be short sighted, but still, I mean, he is so hesitant to give me anything, and so to keep from getting my feelings stomped on, I am in turn hesitant, but when we are together, the connection is undeniable. I don't want to become or be, an obsessive freak, so I know I need to let it go, and I can do that, but I can't deny that it hurts. To deny that, is to betray my own inner truth, and that is the worst kind of crime. So I will be honest with myself, even if I hold back with him, now. So it goes. Life is sure full of strange twists and turns. Oh well. What can you do? I once tried to study love from an intellectual standpoint, and I read books about it and even used a freaking highlighter pen to help me remember this philosopher's ideas on the nature of love, but guess what, it didn't help. I don't know if it's possible to fully grasp intellectually, in my limited human capacity, the nature of pure love, which to me is God in it's essence. How can one deny that? So, that's my deep thought for the day. Enjoy!

07/18/2001

Gosh, I feel like shit today, I don't mind telling you. I don't know, I just feel heart broken and sad, and stuck. A couple of weeks ago, it felt like things were happening, spinning, changing, but then I settled back into my rut, it feels like, so geez, and right now I don't really have the energy to climb out, I just want to get through the day, that's my goal. Let's see, what started the downward spiral? Well,I think the straw that broke the camel's back this time, is that a friend of mine's Mom died. I think that got me to thinking about how I feel sort of surrounded by death, the past year especially, there has just been so much it seems, and then that puts me in touch with all the sadness and pain and loss in the world, and in myself, and I know, I don't have to go to that terribly blue place, but sometimes things just catch me off guard. Like this death, and this man who I love to the very core of myself, blowing me off, and having to hear from someone else, that my best friends might be moving to South Carolina. They are the ones who have my Godson. I mean SC, isn't that far away, but it makes me realize how I have come so much to rely on them just being there, and I have always thought of their house as a sanctuary when I needed to hide out. I always go over there, when I don't want to deal with the world, and I can be whoever I am over there, no questions asked. I will miss that if it's not here. Work feels like a disaster area too, I might add, but I don't even feel like talking about that. I feel like I need a freaking kick start. I wish something fantastic would happen. I wonder if I am really going to change my lifestyle, I am seriously considering it. Oh well, I guess we shall see what happens. Keep passing the open windows. Later, M

07/04/2001

SO, wow, it's another 4th of July! I can't wait to see the BOOM BOOM firworks! My sweet soul redemption that I am experiencing lately is bitter sweet, but something happened last weekend that transformed me. I am not sure how much detail I want to get into right now and my heart feels like it's swollen up like a big water balloon. Have you ever loved someone to the very core of your soul regardless of their imperfections and yours and regardless of the fact that you may not ever really be with the person in the capacity that you see a possibility for? Well then you know my dilemma. Let me just say that, last weekend I was with a man, who I care for very much but it wasn't about sex, but something deeper happened, something that moved me body and soul, something that freed me up from the pattern of taking less then what I deserve from any man. I was with him in a way, that I have not allowed myself to be with anyone probably ever, and that makes me very vulnerable, and now he has run off again, and that feels like little knives stabbing me, or maybe big ones, but I think the important thing to remember is that how this situation ends up, doesn't really matter. What's important is that I am healing, my old wounds are closing up finally. Sometimes old wounds heal badly, like mine did, and then they have to be reopened, which hurts like hell I might add, but it's the kind of hurt that's actually good, because now the wounds can heal properly, and the scars will fade, eventually. Ouch! My next mission, if I choose to accept it, is to have these head over heels feelings for a man who isn't so afraid, and who doesn't run away at the first sign of an opening. But then again, I have to remember, his behavior, isn't about me, and you know what else? I love him anyway, and I release him to his highest power and only want the best for him. So as you can imagine, I am reeling.
In other news, I thought I was going to lose my job last week. There were layoffs, but I slipped through the cracks. Several of my friends lost their jobs and frankly, I still don't want to be there even more than I didn't want to be there before, but I would rather lose my job on my own terms, not theirs, and their terms were ok, considering where the company is financially, but gosh, it surely would have put me in a bind. Now the office feels like an environment based on fear, like if I make the wrong move, I am out of there, but I have to believe that I will be ok, no matter what, and I will not shrink back, or kiss ass, I mean, they can kiss my ass if they think that's how it's going to be. I will continue to ask tough questions and be who I am, no apologies. I had a lot of ideas about some businesses I could start a few weeks ago at the beach, and I am still tossing them around, of course before I thought my Mom was going to back me up, but now I can see that if I do the Art Store, or the writing company, I am on my own. Maybe that's for the best. I am not hopeless about any of the things going on in my life, I want to add. I am actually full of hope and possibility, I don't feel down trodden, actually, I feel as though I am finally driving my own chariot, you know? I am in charge of my life, as opposed to my life being in charge of me. Well, I am in charge as much as I can, the divine is handling the rest, which is a nice feeling, because I know I don't have to worry. As far as my job goes, I think it would be wise for me to finish something I started there, and then move on, and make a clean break, to where, I really don't know. More will be revealed. So, peace out, y'all.

06/23/2001

Hi world. I have been out of town for a bit, so I didn't update for a while. But I'm back! I was at "the beach", all last week. It's a little beach in North Carolina, called Ocean Isle. I have always called it "the beach". It's like home away from home for me, I guess because I have been going there since before I was born (the first year my family and I went, my Mom was pregnant with me.) It's a place that is close to my heart and every year I go there, although I have missed a year here and again, when I needed some space from my family, but when I go, I always feel so healed when I come back. I mean, the way I feel now, compared to the way I felt before I left is amazingly different. I was completely exhausted though, before, and now I am refreshed and am starting with a clean slate, which is nice.
Since I have been back, a lot has happened. I think I let a lot of stuff go when I was there. I had a couple of cool experiences while I was there. At one point, I was lying on the beach, on this blanket with my face and body in the sun, and the wind was blowing over me and then, for a moment, it was like my body disappeared, and it felt like the sun and the wind were shining and blowing right through me and all my physical worries and heaviness, just disappeared, I felt light as a feather. Then another time, I went for a walk, down to the end of the island, beyond all the houses, to the channel and I was walking and there was no one else around and the wind was blowing sand close to the ground and it looked like spirits, and I bent down to touch the water, and I felt this huge release, and a sense of freedom, like much of my pain and sorrow was just removed from me, it was really quite intense. That's the sort of stuff that happens to me there. Now I am back. Someone has come back into my life, that I thought was gone forever, I am not sure why, or what is going on there, but evidently, we weren't finished. He is coming to see me next weekend, I guess more will be revealed. I also met a new person, who could be interesting. I don't normally connect with strangers like that, so we shall see. Anyways, time to give the dog a bath. More later, have a grand week.

06/02/2001

SO, wow, I didn't think it was possible to change so much in such a short span of time, for real. My perspective this week has been pretty good, and therefore, like hasn't seemed so terrible. I think it helped that I freed myself up from some of my fear on Monday, and I will finish that next Monday, so, in looking at my fear very specifically and where it came from, I see that really, that stuff is all an illusion. It's when I don't look at it that I get into trouble, because the things I don't look at are the things that get really big and they chase me around. When I look at them, as hard as that seems to do, they disappear into the wind and blow away. Strange but true. I am so glad it's the weekend. Despite last week being short, it sure felt awfully long to me. I feel as though I am remembering more and more about who I am and being the person I know I am, instead of being the person other's expect me to be. SO that's nice too. Not much else, I am looking forward to my vacation. I have a ton of stuff I need to do to get there, but that's ok, I am sure I will manage to get things done that I need to, and it will all be ok. Well, I guess I better get cracking. Later! Love, M

05/19/2001

SO I was starting to feel somewhat better like Friday, and Saturday, but maybe that was just a reprieve, ofcourse last night was just hard because I thought my dog was dying, this was about 5am, and she couldn't get up, and I had to help her and she was freaking out and I was freaking out and finally I got her settled on her bed, and went back to sleep, but I didn't sleep well, I was so hot and scared and sad. I don't really handle grief well, I really slip into a dark patch, ofcourse one other thing is that was with people this weekend where I feel like I have to hide my feelings more, why do I feel that way? I guess it's hard for me to show them when I won't be well received, it's like I can't handle the rejection, especially from my closest friends and family, I need to get stronger about that, and just let the chips fall where they may, because they do seem to be falling farther and farther from where they were. I don't even know who I am when I am with them anymore, I don't feel like they are my people anymore at all. How wierd is that, my closest friend's feel like distant memories already. I love the babies though, always and forever.
Molly

05/13/2001

Wow, just when I don't think it's possible to get much lower I in fact have gone lower then I was when I wrote the poem below. I have also been physically ill, but that happens when I become so unhappy and anxious, my body just can't take it. I used to be able to continue even in extreme emotional pain, but I guess the more my insides match my outsides, the harder it is to "fake it". Anyways, yeah, I am feeling really, really bad. I have got to make a change, but right now, I don't have any energy, but perhaps what's happening is that I am changing, and my energy is being used in the process. It isn't easy living the examined life, but I just have to remember that I chose this way of life because I know in the long run it will make things better for me, at least I freaking hope so. I am in the midst of facing my shadow self again, and this time I am going the deepest I have ever been. It's really quite painful and I don't recommend it to the weak or faint of heart. It requires a lot of strength to live through facing one's darkest parts, and deepest pain, and everything gets really foggy and it hurts like hell. Maybe I am just insane, but I don't think so. I don't think so. Just hang on. Anyway, that's all I got right now. I must go lie down.

Update March 14: Oh I get it now! I am just facing my shadow side and it's a good thing, because if I can face it and accept it, it won't have the power to run my life and I can stop acting out on it and letting it run the show, and maybe I can run the show from a much more lighter place and actually have the kind of life that I really want..that's the cool part!... but never forget the shadow... Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men (and women) only the shadow.Wow, all that pain yesterday lead me to this place.

04/26/2001

Instead of writing a long entry about how I have been feeling, which is shitty, I think my feelings can be best expressed in this poem. Enjoy!

04/20/2001

Gosh, so what is on my mind today? It seems like a lot. My friend and I got into this whole drama yesterday about how there might be a conspiracy around work, but maybe we got a little out of hand. I don’t even want to discuss it because it makes me paranoid to think about or discuss. I have a tendency toward paranoia anyways, so it’s not really good for me to think about such things. Otherwise, well, let’s see, tomorrow is my 10th anniversary of living my life without the use of drugs and alcohol, that’s quite a feat for me, considering I used to could hardly take a waking breath when I woke up in the morning without putting some kind of mind or mood altering substance in my body, just to deal with life, just to be able to get out of bed, or see the world around me. So, I am going to have a few people over, but this leads me to one of my other issues. In regards to the kind of friend’s I thought I had and the kind of friend’s I actually have, I mean there’s a rather large discrepancy there. I mean I guess, I don’t understand why my so called four best friend’s can’t rearrange their plans, but then I realized, well it’s because they aren’t like me. I have a tendency to go above and beyond, I have made them number one priority over my own needs, and I have sacrificed and compromised and changed my own life plans even at time to accommodate them for many years. Well, guess what, I am not doing it anymore. It’s not their fault that I chose to do that, I mean I chose it, because they were my priority. I guess it occurred to me that probably the main reason we have even remained friends so long is because I have been so accommodating, because they rarely budge on my account. I am just glad that I have widened my social circle, or else I would be really lonely, even more then I even am. I mean it’s cool, but I am not going to twist my life around to see them so much anymore, unless I really, really want to see them. I mean I know they love me, and I love them, but I mean our paths have gone in such different directions, so it goes. I was sure that I was going to meet my love this month, but it’s the 20th, and I see no sign of him, so I mean, crap, what’s a girl to do. I am ready to settle down, I am ready to let someone love me completely and me them, I really feel ready, just haven’t run into the person yet. Dang, after going to that poetry reading Wednesday and being down at GSU, I realize again that I really want to be in graduate school. I chickened out about it, because I couldn’t manage how I was going to do it and work full time and support myself and I got all caught up in how impossible it seemed financially and mentally and I got super scared about taking the GRE and everything, so I dropped it. I didn't want to admit that I was chicken, but I also didn't want to set myself up to fail by not studying for the test and doing very badly and feeling stupid. I still don’t know how I am going to do it. The thing is that ideally, I just want to be able to go to school and not work, I have absolutely no energy for my job, I mean none, and I have no energy for another job, and I think it’s because I want to be in school. It’s not that I want to to go school to avoid working, it’s that I want to go to school so I can read and write and concentrate on it full time for a while, not just a little bit here and there right now. It feels like my job is a distraction from what I really want to be doing, so naturally I have no energy for it, of course there is that pesky little detail about how my job pays the bills, but I am thinking if I really want to I can find a way out of that, I hope. I don’t want to have to deal with this life thing all by myself anymore, I mean I have proved to myself that I can, but damn it’s getting so hard and meaningless, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not like this. If I had someone to share with, I would feel lots better. My heart is open, I am ready for someone jump in…

04/16/2001

So gosh, I wasn't going to write about this but it's troubling me and I keep trying not to think about it, but the feelings keep bubbling up like some sort of trapped lava, so I thought maybe it would help to write. Anyways, what's it all about Mol? Well, it's my dog Sheba, she's over 13 now, and she is changing, getting old, getting worse, deteriorating. I am so sad about it, when I think about her, or when I feel about it rather, I feel like my heart is going to break into a zillion pieces and it hurts to breath. So, I think it's only a matter of time before she slips away or I have to make the "dreaded" decision. I really don't want to have to make the decision to end her life, cripes, I can't even think about it without getting upset, but it may come down to that. I wish she would go on her own fruition, but I think she is too loyal to me, even though I keep telling her that it's ok for her to go, when it's time, but I have no idea if she hears me or not. I mean, gosh, can she even understand me?

It seems like we are in sync to me, after being together so long. It might seem kind of silly to some for me to be so upset about a dog, but dang, I mean we have been together so long, since I was 18 and she has been there for me when no one else was at the absolute lowest points of my existence, she has been there, through thick and thin, she saved my life, and it feels painfully paradoxical that I might have to help end hers, but it would be because I don't want her to suffer. She is having more trouble walking, that's a big shift with her aging. I mean she has been arthritic for a while, but her front leg has been bothering her, making it difficult to go on walks, and that used to be our special time together walking, and now that's ending. I mean she can walk, and can make it up and down the stairs, but I mean the walks we used to take after work are no longer, or if they are it's just up and down the street, because I don't want her to over do it and she would follow me anywhere, even if it pained her, "wither thou goest, I will go."

So I guess I am already starting to grieve, because I mean I still adore her, but I miss the Sheba that used to run and chase squirrels and walk miles and miles with me and run up and down the steep cliffs on the beach in Bolinas kicking sand up with the sheer joy of being alive. It feels like part of me is dying too. This is tough, and it's going to get tougher. I really didn't want to have to go through this with her alone, but it makes sense and it's appropriate I guess, but damn it hurts. I mean, dang, I am strong and tough and all that, but this might break me, I am afraid.

Living and taking care of an old dog is a lot like I imagine how it is to live and take care of an older person. She's stubborn, sometimes she doesn't want to eat, she is getting cataracts, losing her hearing. I mean she has good and bad days, but it looks like the bad days are getting more, and I know what that means. On the good days though, she is perky and happy and has that old sparkle in her eye, and then I feel like I can breath again. I am a nervous wreck most the time because I worry she is going to die in the middle of the night, or when I am gone at work or something and then I have these moments of complete desolation about it and I cry and then I pull it together and I am ok again. That's what grief is like. I am familiar with this process.I just have to keep reminding myself that death is a part of life, embrace my grief, because in it there is always a gem and I also have to remember that I am strong enough to handle this alone. I have to remember that I am not alone...right, not alone.

04/07/2001

SO anyways geez, it was a nice Spring day today, and warm as hell. Gosh, you know what that means, it's allergy season for me. But I didn't come here to talk about allergies. I have a sense today that things are changing, although the changes feel really, really slow. I am going to a warehouse party tonight with a band and stuff. I don't know what's important about today, but the day, April 7th, I don't know if I dreamt about it or what, but it feels important some how. Since it feels important I wanted to mark it down, so if something monumental does happen, I can refer to this and know that my intuition was correct, sort of intuition tracking I guess. I am not sure how yet, could be a romantic venture tonight because the guy who is throwing the party is someone I think I might like, even though I am told that he is kind of weird, but that just makes me more curious. How's that for a run-on sentence. I find that sometimes I get strong feelings about certain people or events, so I am tracking them to see how correct or deathly wrong I am. For all I know, tonight could be a troublesome bore, but I don't think so and Ashley and Emmett will hopefully keep me out of trouble. HA. I almost was going to bail on the adventure but I decided it could be interesting and cool, especially since I haven't been to a party in a while with mostly people I don't know, and I haven't been really out and about much. I have been staying in mostly or eating dinner with old friends and licking my wounds, as it were and living the life of an old married person, although I am neither old nor married. Isn't that strange, but it's like the saying goes, if I don't take opportunities to go out when I can, I might never find anyone, or worst case scenario, I will become a shut in, because I take a lot of comfort in my couch. Right now I feel so free and unfettered, although I am aware of a sore spot from Brad, and Richard too and even Scott, who I have decided isn't the man for me either, so I mean, I am not really over any of those men, but I feel it's time for me to go out and take a peak at what might be out there, and it will be fun to hang out with some artistic folks and hear some music and stuff. I am excited about it. Gosh, not much else, work still stinks, but I feel so entrenched there, and every time I think about leaving, something happens that makes me want to stay. The last time I was thinking about leaving, like week before last, we all got caught up in this car chase on tv, and I felt this sense of unity and then I read what I wrote in Bryan's Memorial, and I got this sense of like, connectedness, and I wasn't ready to break it, and honestly, for me, I kind of feel like I should stick it out until I can get my own gig. I just don't know if I have the energy to switch right now with leaving group and all, I feel like I need something stable in my life. I am definitely growing roots, more then I ever have before, I have no desire to run off and join the circus. Anyways, if anything interesting happens tonight, I will report it later. Love, M

03/25/2001

Well here I am again. I have to decide what I am going to do with all these Obscure Thoughts. I am running out of room. It's been over a year now since I have been writing them, so Happy Anniversary to me. Ha! Anyways, so my mind is actually kind of blank right now. I am entering a new phase of my life it seems. So new infact that it's sort of hard to explain to people, but it just feels like I have let a lot of shit go the past month and a half, and things that used to bother me don't bother me anymore, and things I used to be motivated to do, don't do it for me anymore. It just feels like it's time to move on, but to where, I am not sure. That's not clear to me right now. I am not panicking though, I am just taking it as it comes.
Last night I watched this HBO movie called Wit, about a woman with cancer who was a professor and a scholar of 17th century poetry. John Dunne was her speciality, I always loved his stuff. The beautiful yet agonizing dichotomy of his words, sort of like life. Poor man, he was probably in anguish most of the time. I wonder if he drank a lot to deal with it. Watching this woman die of cancer though, gosh it made me cry, it reminded me of when my Grandmother was sick and also my Stepfather. The impossibility of recovery when cancer gets to this certain point is really horrifying. It was horrifying to watch, as a bystander, but I can't even imagine the helplessness they must have felt. Especially with chemo, that makes people so sick, that they can't hardly live through the thing that is supposed to be curing it. I thought the movie also represented the medical field very accurately, like treating sick people like objects, especially for research, and it's really horrible, there was only one nurse in the movie who treated this poor woman like a human being. I remember when my Stepfather was dying, I think it was particulary hard on him, because he wasn't an old man, and he wasn't ready to go and he was so pissed off. I sometimes think death is harder for really smart people, people who have worked there whole lives figuring things out and being in control. I mean it was hard on my Grandmother too, but she, atleast in my eyes, seemed much more accepting of it, of course it was a lot slower process for her, I don't even remember how long she was sick before she died, I was only 13 at the time. I think (I hope) she had enough time to sort of accept what was happening to her, and she stayed at home with a hospice nurse, and she went back to her Jewish faith, so maybe she was all right with god when she died. I remember being real angry about it. Maybe I was angry for her. When my Stepfather was finally diagnosed, he only lived for 2 months, so it happened so fast, it really knocked the wind out of me, that was when I was 21. I think death also, when you have time to think about it, and you aren't just snatched off the earth suddenly, might be easier, if you believe in god. My Grandfather died of cancer too, but I was only 6, and I really didn't know what was going on as much, plus we were in Germany at the time and he was in North Carolina, so I didn't have to see any of it, I remember being overwhelmed with sadness though when he was gone. At the time, I am told, I likened his death with having to leave some of my favorite toys in Germany when we were returning to the states and we couldn't take it all back. I think when you are 6 though, the measure of loss is the same, whether it's your favorite toy, or your Grandfather. Gosh, I should probably quit smoking.

03/14/2001

So wow, yeah what's going on world? Not like you will answer me, or anything, HA! Anyways, I have been feeling really good lately. I have freed myself from a trap I kept setting for myself that was putting me into this rollercoaster emotional state, and I did what I had to do to let "him" go. (Yup, suprise, suprise, it had to do with a guy.) Since then, I have been writing up a storm and submitting things and publishing them. There is something so freeing in telling the truth and writing about my experiences, things that not so long ago I could barely write about and as soon as I did, I had to burn them. It's a very freeing experience to not be consumed with old, old fear. When I write about things, I get totally consumed in my writing, it fills me with energy now, it used to drain me and cause me to feel like I was being ripped into pieces, but not anymore. I am really not sure what shifted, I think maybe it was the piece I wrote about being a whole person and not objectifying myself anymore and accepting myself and treating myself better. I think it wasn't just writing it that shifted things, I think it was taking it and reading it to my sisters in arms a couple of Tuesdays ago. I mean, it's like I was living in some kind of self-made prison and I got myself out. I hope and pray I never have to go back there.

I have come to the conclusion that I like my life with as little chaos as possible. I like things to be calm and peaceful. I can't tolerate bullshit anymore, or lies, or manipulation or drama. I don't want it in my life. I want to stand up tall and greet the world, and who cares what people think, I am free. Lately I have been asking for openness, and possibility, and it feels like the universe is opening up for me, and I realize I never, ever have to settle for less than I deserve. Whee! I don't want to play games anymore, or be around other people who play games. I need for things to be on the up and up. Ok, I am going to fly away now.

03/03/2001

It's a crappy, rainy day in the old ATL today. Makes me want to sleep and sleep, but I have things to do, so I probably won't. I had quite a few realizations this week about a lot of things. The biggest one has to do with grad school, and how I have decided that it's not what I want to do. I mean, if I could do it and not have to work I would, but honestly, I dont think I could handle the stress it would cause trying to squeeze it into my life. That's not the main reason I have decided not to go. My realization about it stemmed from the feelings I was having and just the major resistance I was feeling about it. At first I thought that was just fear, but then I realized that, I don't not do stuff just because I am afraid. If I want something bad enough, I just go for it. I wasn't doing that. Then, it occurred to me that I was constantly looking for something on the outside to define who I was on the inside, but nothing on the outside ever will. Why? Because, I must be courageous enough to define myself from the inside, and if I want to write, then I just need to write, it's as simple as that. No one is going to do that for me. There is something to be said for being in school and having assignments and that pressure, but I feel like really for me to truly define myself as a writer then I need to put the pressure on myself. If anyone else did it, be it a professor or whoever, I will just resent them for it. So, maybe it's time to just do my thing and express myself in the best way I know how. If I want to do this, I have to be strong enough to put my blood, sweat and tears into it. It's time.
Once I realized that, I felt like this huge burden had been lifted off of me. It's no wonder I get so sick of jobs and relationships and stuff, because I have been looking for them to define who I am, and there's no way that will ever happen, so if that's what I am looking for outside of myself, I will never find it. That knowledge both empowers me, and also leaves me with a sense of sadness, that for so long, I have been beating my head against a brick wall trying to define myself. But you know, the process is just what it is. There's no shame in that. So I say to myself, go on wild thing, do what you gotta do. Later..

02/19/2001

It's another day in the life for me. I am recovering still, I think, from the darkness that swept over me last week and the week before like a tornado. I don't even know who I am lately. I mean I vaguely know who I am but I just don't feel like much of anything is going the way I want it. Although, I have to say, one thing that's been nice is that a little bit of extra money has been coming my way. That doesn't really help my existential crisis, but at least it's one less thing to worry about. Maybe it's because I keep doing the same thing and expecting it to be different, I seem to be really scared to make the changes I need to make though. So it's kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel stuck. I am sort of half-heartedly trying to get my shit together for graduate school, but where I am stuck with that is getting two recommendations. I have no idea where I would get those from. I think my most viable option is to show some of my work to some people I don't really know and hopefully get a recommendation from them, but I seem to be very uncomfortable with that idea. So then I think, how I am I going to do graduate school, where I would have to show my work all the time, when I can't even get the guts to show it to two people. That's a problem. Meanwhile, time is just ticking away. If I keep procrastinating, I will miss the application deadlines. Another problem is that I seem absolutely unwilling to talk to people about what's going on with me, therefore eliminating any possibility for help or advice. Is it because I think I already know what they are going to say? Is it because I don't think anyone really gets me so they won't understand? Am I just shooting myself in the foot over and over? Gosh could I be any more self-centered? Crap! Also, I opened up the door again for this guy to come in, but I mean shit it was Valentines Day, and guess what, after blowing my mind, again, he has disappeared, again. Surprise, surprise. I wonder how much longer I am going to allow myself to be hurt. I mean it's been going on intermittently for a year. I am a glutton for punishment, and pleasure. My best friend's don't even know what's going on with me. That's how totally full of shit I have been. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to stop going to meetings, but now I just don't know if that's the place for me. But then I think, if that's not the place for me, then where is the place for me? I can't seem to find it. I am a lost girl.

02/03/2001

So wow! Gosh! I feel a million times better since I painted a little and relieved myself of some of the pressure and angst that builds up when I don't do anything creative for a while. It's amazing what an hour of just focusing on color, and shape and form can do for a creative like me. If I ignore the pressure I can become very unhappy and feeling very stifled and angst ridden and I have lots of anxiety dreams. Lately my dreams have been about vehicles blowing tires. Or I had a dream that I traded in my beat up truck and bought a brand new midnight blue VW bug and then when I was going to work in it, I scraped it all up in the parking deck. What does all this mean? Well, I am not really sure, my best guess is that it has to do with worrying about things out of my control happening, which has been happening a lot lately, and those type of events can often fill me full of angst. So it goes. Not much else that intense to write about this week. Perhaps I am getting a brief reprieve from the intenseness.
I feel like on so many levels, I just keep going deeper and deeper. I have come to the conclusion that I need more spiritual food in my life, although where I am to get it hasn't revealed itself to me very clearly yet. I think I am still chewing on the fact that I need it at all. That's sort of a lot to swallow for me. I mean, it's just that recently I see more and more how I absolutely need to feel connected to something greater than me. I need that like I need oxygen to breath. I have no idea where I picked up this need, but here it is. I also know that it doesn't take very much to knock me completely off my center, and you know, most of the time things are flying at me left and right at 100 miles an hour and easily knocking me right down. SO, NA used to be enough for me to get centered and feel allright. I have found, though, over the past year or so that meetings don't do it for me anymore, I need something more. SO, seek and ye shall find, and that's what I am going to do. Hopefully I can just let go of all the crap that runs through my head about how it's pathetic to need help in this world and blah blah blah. I guess, as I get older I see that it's ok to take all the help you can get and give help whenever you can. I mean, what else is there to do really? Why make things more difficult by trying to forge my way through life all alone like some kind of lone warrior in the dark, in a storm, with a broken rutter? I mean, it's ok to need help and ask for it and receive it. I am working on accepting that now. That is all....

01/20/2001

Ok, this is my third try, writing on this thing. I keep accidently, wiping out everything I have written, and it's pissing me off! Anyway, let me try again. The past week has been really hard. The chairman of the company I work for EzGov, died in a fire at his home on Monday. Him and his girlfriend, both died, just like that, they are gone. Everyone at work has been really sad and affected by this. I think it really pulled the rug out from all of us, all 150 of us at work. I mean, Bryan Mundy, was the visionary of the company, he wasn't the kind of executive who you never saw, or hid behind some big office, I mean he was the face of the company, he was the inspiration, and now he is just gone. It's not an easy thing for anyone to deal with. I didn't know his girlfriend, Erin, but she was a beautiful girl, I am sure full of dreams. She was only like 25 or something and Bryan was only 36. I don't understand why these things happen. I mean the company I feel will carry on, everyone is in full support of the president, Ed, who is a great guy too. It was hard to see him cry. It was hard to see Bryan's brothers in the office crying, it was hard to see the whole company in a world of hurt. I don't understand, why these things happen. I am not a stranger to this kind of incident either, it was only about 5 months ago that my friends, Francie and Bob, died in a plane wreck, and right now, is the annivesary of my friend Mike dying in a car crash so many years ago, but every year during this time I get sad about it. I don't know, sometimes it seems like god or whoever is just snatching people up. Death does strange things to people it makes them say strange things. You know, people try to say, well, God works in mysterious ways, I guess it was just there time. Or people have said, well, atleast it wasn't you. I mean, is that supposed to make me feel better? Because guess what, it doesn't. I mean the people I have listed here are just a few of the people I have known who have died suddenly, the list of deaths is really much much longer, and I don't even want to go into that now. I don't know, I understand it's difficult for the living to let go of the dead, and I understand it's difficult sometimes just to let me grieve the way I need to, without trying to hide it or fix it or fake it, or tell me some trite shit that's supposed to make me feel better.

Right now I think I am angry, I am sad, and I am keenly aware, once again, how precarious life is and how one just never knows, and that is a frightening prospect. I mean, forgive me but it just is. It does make me want to live a better life, and I try and have been trying for a while, but hell sometimes, I am just going to feel like shit and I don't want anyone to try to make it better, you know. Just let me be.

I am also disappointed in many of my friend's. I mean not just because of the past week, but over and over I am shown that generally many people, who I thought were my friend's, are just way too selfish, to really be there for me. Although they do not hesitate to call on me when they need something or are bent out of shape about something, but I mean, come on, a little give and take would be nice. I mean I can accept that, but it is sad to me and frustrating.

I am just a bundle of emotion today,and I know it will pass, and I think the memorial service on next Tuesday will help, but right now I am feeling in the dark, you know. It doesn't help that it's cold and dismal outside. Welcome to January. Cripes, I hate this time of year. Makes me want to run off to Florida or something. So what else can I pour my heart out about? Well, I told this man, who I had been withholding my feelings from, I told him my feelings in the purest way I could, I was tired of keeping it secret. Maybe it was the whole life is short thing that inspired me, maybe it was just some need to be honest, but I did it. I, ofcourse have not heard back, so I kind of feel like my heart is hanging out there in space. But I didn't tell him, for the purpose of trying to pursuade him to love me back, I told him because I needed to let it go, because I wanted to be true to my heart, because in the end, what really is the point of this life anyway? To learn, to love, maybe have a little fun in between the heartwrenching moments and the pain. I swear, everytime I feel like I get back up and am stronger, a curve ball comes and knocks me right on my ass again. But, like I have said before, I am getting quite adept at picking myself back up, dusting myself off and walking on. Maybe that's why I like shoes so much, because I do a lot of walking on. Oh yeah, a sense of humor helps. Ok, I feel a little better now, for what that's worth. I gotta go. Bye Bryan, I will miss you.

12/28/2000

Geez, I know it hasn't been a week yet, but for all my adoring fans I am adding a bonus entry for this week, because I feel compelled to write, and things are slow at work today. Anyways, my heart aches, and I am in love with a man who doesn't even know it and it just sucks more than I can really even express, feels like a knife digging in my gut. While I am at it, I hate this freaking job, I really do, I keep thinking I can stick it out, but I can't, it sucks, I am unappreciated and underpaid and it just sucks big rotten eggs. Thanks god for music, that's all I have to say about it. So, as you can see, I am in a really bad mood. I don't even know if I can hang here all day, I can't get up in the morning, it's hard to be around people. I think I may be depressed. So what else is new. It's just that I can't seem to figure out what's going on, nothing makes any sense to me right now, I don't feel connected spiritually, I feel like I am floating around again like a feather in the wind. I learned some techniques for centering myself, but when I do that, it's even harder to be around people, because I pick up all sorts of wierd vibes and it causes me to feel very nauseous and sick, and like I want to go run screaming out of the room. So now, I just have to get through new years, without totally blowing it or getting absolutely insane. We shall see! Later days!

12/25/2000

So this is Christmas? Wow. One thing I love about Christmas is that everyone stays home or at other people's homes, so it's really easy to get around, although everything is closed, but other then that, it's great. Of course, the movies aren't closed and that's where I am going. I did the family thing last night. Once again I am having another, or maybe just an extended version, of lonliness, rather extreme I might say. It's an interesting feeling, it kind of reminds me of what it feels like to get tattoo work done. That's the only physical pain I have experienced that I could compare it too. I mean, yes, there are places I could go today, but in all cases, they are places that I just feel not very connected with, or just outcast from in a way, so I am opting to spend Christmas alone, let's see if I can take it without going mad. I think I can. I am going to go see the movie Out Cast, because I think it's appropriate. Gosh, I wish I was somewhere exotic, like the Bahamas, or Zanzibar where I have spent X-mas in the past, well last year and two years before that. The year before last I can't even remember, although I know I was in town. It's just not all that memorable, unless I go somewhere cool. I suppose if I had a love in my life, and/or a child or both, it would be a totally different experience. But I don't and since I have become quite the hermit lately, I don't see anything like that happening anytime soon. So I guess this is my destiny. Sad? Maybe? If not sad, then atleast very lonely and quiet, but frankly, I could use the solitude. I am a tired girl and other people's energy, really wears me out lately, mostly because psychic vampires gravitate towards me like magnets on the positive, and exhaust me. I have to do all kinds of things to prepare myself to go out and deal with the people in my life a lot lately. This is my routine: two aspirin, a cup of strong coffee, and about a half a pack of cigarettes, then I am good to go. I can't seem to be around other people for more than a couple of hours without getting exhausted, I don't know how I imagine I am going to meet a new love under these circumstances especially with January coming, that is my darkest month. Anyway, no point in dwelling on all that shit, I'm going to Disney Land! Not really, I just like to end my journals lately with a quite from a song or a book, forgive my laziness on giving credit where it's due. I just can't remember. Later days. Peace and God bless America.

12/17/2000

So geez, I haven't been updating this, and I can't even tell you why, just the whirlwind in my head and my life. Some wierd stuff has been happening, that I don't really need to go into. I have been listening a lot and what I get back is pretty intense, from the universe, from other people, etc. Apparently I am evolving, whatever that means. I guess that's better than regressing. I suppose. I am sad though, and sort of lonely, being single and 31 now, and it seems like, almost everyone I know is happy and in love. It's kind of hard to deal with sometimes. I mean, especially when the snakes in my head are slithering around, making it difficult for me to even be around other people. Anyways, last night was the X-mas party and it was quite a zoo. Everyone got really drunk, except me, and the pregnant people. It's really interesting to watch people getting drunk as they detoriate, and it's like words are coming out of their mouth, but they aren't really saying anything. But whatever. I made a decision that I want to go to graduate school, ofcourse, I have no idea how I am going to swing that, I mean financially, being that I am the sole supporter of myself,but I really don't like my job too much. I mean, geez, plus it sort of seems like the company is going broke. Maybe not, but X-mas was mighty slim at the EzGov house this year. It makes me wonder if I have made a bad decision. I don't know. But then on the other hand, I have to believe that I must have chosen that job for some reason, I mean, there's got to be some reason why I am there, for what I don't know. ALl I do know, is that i keep coming back to the same thing, is that I want to be a professor and teach and write. I mean, that's what is in my heart. I know academia has it's own set of problems, but it's what I keep coming back too. SO it goes. I know in my heart, I will never feel happy in the corporate world, sometimes, I wonder if I will ever feel happy period, but then again, I have to remember this is a rough time of year for me, until Spring. Geez. Ok, well, I think I will go paint now. That's what I have been doing mostly since my birthday. It's the long dark tea time of the soul folks. Later days...

11/16/2000

Blah....Can I just say that I feel like absolute crap today? Yes, I am at work, but I need as much diversion as I can get away with from this mundane job that is sucking the life out of me that barely pays me enough. Yes that's right people, I am taking this opportunity to bitch and moan and whine and be a raving angry woman. I think that's ok though, because sometimes one just needs to do that. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, and then once I managed that trick, and took a shower, I sat on my bed for like half an hour not wanting to get dressed and then when I did finally get dressed, I changed like 3 times, because nothing felt right. So, that's the kind of morning I had, not to mention all my lack of motivation, made me a half an hour late, but that's nothing new. I would have called in sick, but I am taking three days off next week, so I just have to suck it up. Have I talked about the thing I love most about internet correspendences as well as other correspondences of that nature?

I don't know why I am asking a question, but I will tell you anyways. What I love the most is the ability to DELETE people! Unfortunately, I have lost the ability to delete my feelings. I used to be able to, or I thought I could, or maybe it was just the drugs that gave me that illusion, god I miss that! SO I am torn up inside. That's really what it comes down to. It has a lot to do with a lot of things, but I am still feeling so very lost and confused and unhappy, and I am sick of it. I thought something magical was happening with another human being, and something magical did happen, but then it just faded away, and it's just gone, and I don't understand why I had to go through that, or why I keep getting my hope back and then loosing it completely. What the hell is that about? So I am sad and I am angry and I am hopeless and so it goes. Nothing seems right since my friends died a few months ago, and that's another wierd thing, it's like other people I know that knew them, it's like they've just moved on, like they've forgotten already, and that disturbs me too. Ok, well, I feel a tiny bit better for venting. Enjoy!

11/09/2000

So I usually don't mess with this thing when I am at work, but, it's been so long since I have updated and I actually have a moment to breath at work so I thought I would take the opportunity to update this. I am having kind of a hard time lately, maybe it's because my birthday is coming up, maybe it's because I made a tough call that is causing me to explore a bit more of my shadow side. Maybe it's because I hate my job. Probably it's a combination of all these things. So it goes, so it goes. I think it's the shadow side stuff that is getting to me the most, it's tough work, but necessary if I really want to have what I really want in life, but it makes all the surface stuff in life harder to deal with, like going to work and getting through that, especially when it's been so stressful lately. Crap, plus soon I will be 31, and I always get really reflective around my birthday and kind of take a look at my life and see if it's going in a direction I want it to go in, and if it isn't (which it isn't) I am working on figuring out what direction I want to go in, and what steps to take to get there. I am all about changing, I can do that. The other day I got into a conversation with some friends about grace, and I realize that I must have a whole lot of it, and I am grateful for that. I sure would like to find my nitch though, because lately I feel like a lost little puppy. ok, gotta get back to work. I just wanted to say, hi world.

10/15/2000

So yeah, I have been out of touch with this silly little endeavor for a while. For my avid readers, if there are any, I apologize. I have been on a world wind tour of myself, so to speak. THings have been very interesting lately, and honestly I don't even know how much I want to say about it. Let's just say I am going through a great change, within. I got a glimpse of the kind of love I want, and now nothing else will do. There's not much else to say about it really. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to waste my time anymore, so I am moving on, and we shall see what happens. Today I think I will plant a tree in declaration of a new found sense of something I didn't even know I could feel, regardless of the outcome, the outcome isn't important.

I have also had these moments in the past week or so since I got back from Charlotte where I feel really connected to the universe, like there's this quiet, light place that sort of comes over me and this peacefulness I can't even describe. It's really neat. The first one happened when I was coming back into the city from being in Charlotte last weekend, visiting an old friend, and there was this light and the sky was really blue and I don't know, I just knew something was cool happening. I am living in this really abstract world. It's actually not abstract, it's really quite intuitive. It's hard to relate that type of stuff to others though, and it's sort of isolating or something. Ugh, I ache. Well, just wanted to catch up. I think that's all I have. More later.

09/23/2000

I don't know what's up with me, but it just seems harder and harder to feel cool. I mean I am almost 31 for god's sakes, well in a couple of months. It seems the older I get, the harder it is to feel cool. I really need to make a real Web site. You'll have to excuse me, I was just looking at these cool web kid's sites and I feel like a total loser now, even though, the thing is, if I could get my shit together, I could have a really cool one too. It's just that I can't seem to get motivated. It's wierd, since I moved to the new house my monitor doesn't skip and jump at all. Speaking of houses, last night and this morning, I had to kill a shitload of ants, and I didn't feel very good about it, my friend told me to get ant traps so I did, hopefully that will work, I mean, they were coming out of the woodwork, they were everywhere. Or it seemed that way, I think they just found a short cut through the door frame, I don't know, but I killed them, and I kept thinking about that movie Antz, and it made me feel bad. The power of computer animation I guess. I certainly do seem to have a lot to say today, but the issue is it's a whole lot of nothing. Mostly, I wanted to talk about how I don't feel so cool. I keep feeling like I am missing something, and I think I know what I want, but I have no idea how to get it. I could have something similar, but it's not what I really want. Maybe my perspective is just all askew today for some reason. My cat Bugsy is like a vampire since the move. It's like he can't stand the sunlight. He stays in my bed all day and only comes out at might. He doesn't act sick. He's just wierd. I think I am wierd since the move to, I can't believe this is my house.It's so damn quiet over here, and like today I only talked to one person, and in the quiet the dialogue inside my head seems more constant and louder then ever, but maybe it's just being in a new place. Ofcourse, I paid my first mortgage payment today,that made it more real. Tommorow I am having a housewarming party, so that should be interesting. There will be quite a mix of people, I wonder if it will be like vinegar and oil. Perhaps so. Tonight I raced a train, it was fun. First time I had exhilirating fun in a while. I think all the deaths of late still have me shook up and the move and this feeling that I have been ripped, or rather, I have pushed myself right out of my cacoon, and I am all exposed and it was perhaps a little premature, and I don't have wings yet, so I am just out there. But every day, my wings grow a little. Ok, well, I think I will go rest my weary bones now. I feel like I am in a whole nother country, man, and it freaks me out!

09/15/2000

So wow, it's been awhile since I updated this silly site. I'm not sure really where I am at, I am moved though that's for sure, to a whole different county, it's been quite hellish moving, although I love my house and it's still wierd to me that I own it. I mean it really freaks me out. I think I am still timid on that point, it's a whole new world. Sometimes my lonliness here in the quietness of this house is overwhelming, I mean I was lonely before but I was comfortable with the lonliness because I was used to it, this is a whole other unfamiliar loneliness that I can't quite get ahold of, and plus it's just so damn peaceful, I find it overwhelming. My mind is pretty blank right now, I am trying to stay out of trouble and stuff. I don't really have much more to say, let me just add that I think this whole experience of growing up and stuff, is changing me, into what I do not know.

08/20/2000

There is definitely something going on, although I don't know that I could sit here and tell you what it is. I wish someone would tell me. I think I am not supposed to understand, merely perservere. Two people I know died in a small plane crash last week. The week before that a family friend passed. In the circles I run in, these tragedies have been quite devastating to me and many others. I am at least glad that things were good between me and Francie before this happened. There have been times in the past when things weren't good between us, so for that, atleast I can be grateful. It just seems like there are so many things happening and I am often overwhelmed. I don't know, this stuff has had a profound effect on me. I want to be a better person. I don't want to be petty or mean. I want to tell people that I love that I love them, I don't want to waste time in situations that really don't serve me all that well. I mean, one just never knows when it's time to go. I don't want to have regrets when it's time for me to go, whenever that is. I can't understand things on a human level of a divine nature, so in that regard, I am a babe in the woods much of the time. But what can I do? I can merely accept that and move on. I also realized that it doesn't matter if I am prepared for the things that happen in life or not, it doesn't matter, because things are going to happen, the good the bad and the ugly, regardless of whether I am prepared or not because it's not all about me. I do get some kind of wierd comfort in that thought, because it means to me that I don't have to waste time worrying or trying to control things around me, I just want to live the best life possible and experience somethings. Right now I am experiencing aloneness and grief. I am grateful though to be able to experience life. I spent many years as a walking zombie, so.

I have been busy packing my life into boxes and getting ready to move into the new house. I am excited about it and also scared a little. But I figure everything will work out the way it's supposed to. And, once again, like I have so many times before, I get to start over, again. Gotta dash. That is all.. Peace...Out.

08/12/2000

SO wow, I have very little energy today and I'm feeling kind of blown out. I'm going through some kind of wierd spiritual shakedown, and the tasks ahead of me as far as moving and going through all my belongings is really freaking exhausting. Perhaps I will be able to do more tomorrow. I like that term, spritual shakedown. I don't know where I got it from, but I just feel like all these walls are crumbling down and everything is in pretty intense chaos but at the same time not. It's hard to explain, I feel like I have found myself on the other side of some great rift in my life like I fell into the rift, and I had to scramble out of it and now I am on the other side from where I was, but I have no idea where I am. I am feeling rather bewildered, but on this side of the rift, things are different then they were. On this side, I have stronger intuition about things and awareness that I never had before. I feel strangely awake but also tired. I have an ache in my heart, but I also feel the beauty of life. I wish I had someone I could talk to about these things but it's like others don't seem to get it. Well, there are a few who kind of do, but they are also very wrapped up in their own process. So, in that way I am feeling rather isolated. Everyone must see Magnolia, that movie. It's really awesome. I have had many experiences lately like in that movie where my life has crossed others in a seemingly not random way, but also kind of random. It's all very odd. So. I guess I will just see where this is going, and continue to do the next thing in front of me. More later.

Peace Out

08/03/2000

Wow! Geez, I wish I could describe the energy that is flowing through me right at this moment. I took an amazing bath in Eucalyptus bath salts and imagined that all the negative energy was just oozing out of my body like black goo and it came down my arms and into my hands and out and then quickly formed a little ball of light and burst into the air and I felt a sudden release of all that nasty negativity that was bringing me down earlier. So I really got a big lesson in how I need to slow the hell down. Just slow down, I get so keyed up and anxious, and crazy and then I miss so much and I get bogged down in my own energy spiral... or something. SO yeah, there seems to be some crazy cosmic swirling stuff swirling around me to, like worlds are opening up, but I need to take it easy, just take it freakin easy, or else I am going to flip out and go crazy. I'm rather compulsive and I get so frantic at times, like a gerbil in a cage and oh so impatient, but I am being taught how to be patient and just let stuff go as it will, you know, let things go as they are going to whether I run around like a crazy person or not. It's just that running around like a crazy person, exhausts me more.
A lot lately I feel as though my heart is going to crack open and my insides are going to come leaking out, I can't explain it, it's an uncomfortable ache, but it's about damn time. That part of me has been locked up with the key hidden away forever, and now for some reason, it's coming open, the time has come for me to experience something that i have always longed for, secretly, so we shall see what happens. It seems some serious healing is going on, like my ex called me the other day (which one you ask, there are so many). Well a man I truly loved and lived with for 4 years, and for the first time in 5 years,I didn't feel like I was going to double over in pain after talking to him, I felt absolutely no attachment to him at all, I didn't get hooked in, lord knows he tried, but I didn't feel compelled to take the hook. That only took five years, whoosh! Gotta go to sleep now.

Peace Out...

07/23/2000

Ok, so like I do believe I have had my mind officially blown, and my heart and my soul, and like I honestly don't know how to handle it. That expression, be careful what you ask for, seems to be more and more true. I seem to be getting closer and closer to stuff that I've longed for, ached for even, and it's all really blowing my mind. Why is that? Well, probably because I allowed myself to lose hope and not just once either, over and over, but somehow for some reason, I have been able to keep searching for things, keep my heart even just the tiniest bit open, keep myself going, and I have to say in all honesty, that it's all a bit frightening. And the thing that I know is true is that even if nothing comes of anything of the things that I am on the verge of getting gifted, the experience of opening up and being touched in the deepest places of my heart is really gift enough. Why? Because, this is what life is about, this is what I wanted, to experience things, beautiful, awful, so amazingly freeing, that it hurts. I know I am speaking in abstracts and being really vague, but I don't want to pick it apart, I don't want to describe every detail of what's happening, I just want to be in it. But I guess right now I am sort of surprised, because as much as I feel I have ached and longed for the things that are being presented to me, I don't know that I truly believed that these things would happen, and now they are. So, I mean, it's very curious, indeed. Phew!

07/15/2000

SO here I am again, swimming in an ocean of confusion which I created within myself by doing a bunch of things for the wrong reasons. But I know why now. I am a person who doesn't like to feel things, yet as a human being, feelings can't be avoided, I am a recovering drug addict, through and through, and although I have managed somehow to not use a drug or take a drink in over nine years, I have found other things to feed my addictive nature, and when I indulge in such things, it totally knocks me off balance, and I become depressed and hopeless, which is no fun. It occurred to me yesterday when I came out of my coma of sorts, that it's more then being a recovering drug addict, I am on a spiritual path, yet I keep taking these side roads and falling off these big cliffs, and it's totally like compulsive and it wrecks me, and I know that, yet I keep doing it, because it feels good in the moment, and I forget about the loneliness and the whatever it is about my life that I don't want to deal with most of the time. My feeling, my emotions are so strong lately and sometimes the pain is so severe, I don't think I can walk through it, and I find these distractions (boys!) and then I get in to a world of insanity. SO, wow, this is normally the sort of stuff that I wold write in my private journal, but right now I don't care. I am tired of pretending that everything is cool, because it ain't, and I don't care who reads it, you know this is me, this is who I am.
Today is also cool because I am putting a bid on a house. That's a huge leap of faith, but it just feels right. So, we shall see what happens. I mean I was looking for a house really hard, and it totally wrecked me, the stress, and so I stopped, and it sort of feels like this house found me, so I figure if I am meant to have it, I will, and if not, then so be it. It's kind of scary doing all this on my own. I had to let go of this idea that buying a house is something you do when you are trying to build a family and you do it with your mate or whatever, and I am having to let go of that idea that I am doing this all on my own and I can because I am a strong independent woman, and it's time for me to settle down and create my world the way I want it. I want to live in a beautiful, not too small, not to big, sunny place I can call my own, and maybe settle down roots, instead of just floating around being unable or unwilling to commit to anything, not even my own life. This place, though I have lived here for a long time, never felt like all mine. It's time for me to take what's mine, and not apologize for it and not worry about it and definitely, definitely, not look back.

07/02/2000

Ok, so I know it's been a while since I have written, again, and it wasn't even because of a guy. But lots has been happening. Like I went through this period where it just seemed like everything was falling away, and I was bummed and then it occured to me that maybe things were falling away because they weren't good for me and maybe I don't always know what's good for me. Ofcourse that doesn't mean that I am fatally unable to trust myself or anything, but sometimes I hang on to things for the wrong reasons, or maybe I hang on too tight to things instead of letting them fall away naturally. In my experience everything falls away eventually. I wonder why that is? I really don't know.

Lately I feel like I don't know much. I went to the beach 2 weeks ago and I was hurting and troubled by many things, but the ocean took those things away and then the day after I got back, last Sunday the 25th, my best friends had their baby, and he's the tiniest most perfect being. I like to hold him and feel the love for him that I have. I'm a godmother. Life as I have known it has changed completely now, but I am ok with it, although I do remain feeling rather detached from it all.

My office moved downtown to this swanky office building on Marietta St. and I sort of have the feeling that I have arrived. Yesterday I worked my ass off shoveling dirt and moving it in a wheel barrow and dumping it to this huge hole in my backyard that I have been meaning to fill for like 4 years. It was going to be a pond, but it never came to fruition, and somehow that hole feels sort of symbolic for the holes in my life, for the hole in my soul, for the big hidden holes I keep tripping over and falling into as I wonder along this path of life. I don't know, but I filled it in and did some serious manual labor and filled that sucker up, so maybe metaphysically, things will change for me. Or maybe not. Who freakin knows. My body aches from the work a little, but it felt good to do some good old fashioned work for a change. That's all I got for now.

06/10/2000

LIke it really matters, because I doubt anyone reads this crap, but I feel kind of bad because I haven't written a word on here in a while. I've been kind of caught up in other things, like a guy, but that's all over now, so it goes. But I did have another obscure thought, imagine that, well actually I have had many, but the one I wanted to share goes like this. It seems this whole ordering things online has gotten really crazy. I mean I keep seeing WebVans and Kozmo.com cars all over the city, so I had this thought that at some point in the future, there won't even be a need to leave the house. Like we'll all just get hugely fat and work from home and order our movies and food and other forms of things on the internet and just sit at home. ANd then I was thinking like it might even become wierd or considered completely uncool to leave the house and go walk around and lets say I wanted to go out, and everyone would be like, what? YOu're going out there? Well what for. and the only thing on the street would be like internet company delivery trucks, and maybe they would all be electric. I don't know I am just tossing some ideas around. Other then that, I feel pretty damn deflated, because nothing is going the way I want it. Earlier this week I just wanted to leave town, you know because I'm just so sick of things getting screwed up and I guess I just thought that if I could go somewhere and start fresh, maybe things would be better. ofcourse, I have responsibilities here, and I am needed here, and I mean you take yourself with you, so I honestly don't know if it would make a bit of difference to go to California or wherever. Who knows. More later.

05/06/2000

SO wow. Today I threw a party for my friend's that are having a baby soon. Well, one couple that is, I happen to know 4 pregnant couples at the moment. They are all really cute in their roundness and I love them. It's funny, even though I don't drink anymore since I don't throw parties like I used to, but I still got it. So that's cool, the food was great. There's a ton of pasta left. My friend made two huge bowls. What else is new? Well lets see,a lot. But I just don't know how much I want to write about here. Let me just say that lately I have been reeling in the depths of my own pleasure and fun. I mean like lately I have felt like I just jumped off a cliff and I have yet to land, and it's like I told my friend, I just hope my landing is soft. A wierd cool thing that happened was the other day I was grocery shopping for the shower actually and I ran into an old friend that I went to the highschool with and she is married to the younger brother of a good friend of mine who died a long time ago in a car wreck. The girl and the brother of my friend have a small child who has the same grin as my friend. I don't know, it just filled me with joy to see that. It gave me a sense that everything is right with the world. You know like in a strange way, things are unfolding as they should. This is something that I really need to remember, especially when I get into a frame of mine where I get scared that things that I want and need are going to slip away from me.

04/22/2000

So it's been a really intense week. I wonder why my monitor keeps flickering. I was going to work on my novel, although, for that I think I would need to make a pot of coffee. It's been an exhausting week, although I'm not sure why. I think I will blame it on the moon. The full moon can often make me crazy, and also make it hard for me to sleep. The other night, about 2am, I felt like my soul was on fire and I was walking through it. I seem to keep pushing myself but to where, I still don't know. The hard part, I think for me, is keeping myself centered and not getting knocked off track by other people, which can happen very easily. I just have to take a deep breath sometimes and remember that my feel are on the ground. That's how intense it's been. Cable modem rocks by the way. I think that's about all I have to say right now, atleast that which I feel like sharing with whoever might be reading this wierdness. Later.

04/16/2000

Well, I really doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are, I apologize for not updating in a while. I was having technical difficulties with my phone line but that's all resolved now. Tomorrow I am getting a cable modem, so that's pretty exciting, I will be able to talk on the phone and be on the web at the same time, and also, I will probably move this site to a better more "real" place, so stay tuned. What's going on with me? Well, lets see, I was kind of crazy earlier in the week, but I got it together, and a sort of calmness came over me. So, as much as I felt a push to move far far away from this city, which at times drive me crazy, I don't realistically see that happening for a while. Instead, I re-designed my bathroom and ordered the cable modem, so I guess I am going to be here for a while. I just get frustrated sometimes with the way things are going, and I am constantly being confronted with things that could possibly destroy me. I have of course no reason to believe that wouldn't happen somewhere else though. Things are pretty quiet today, men continue to confound me, but what else is new. So I guess I still don't know much. Anyway, more later.

04/02/2000

SO, I don't really know what's up with me lately. I've been real spacey lately. I am not sure I really have much to say. Maybe it's Springtime, maybe it's allergies, maybe it's strange feeling internal changes going on in my subconscious, I really don't know. Ofcourse last night I was told by a friend that I am always like this, so I don't know, maybe I am just more aware of myself. Last night when I was driving home from hanging with my friends, my little red truck got hit with an egg. I did not see the culprit, but I guess it was some kids in Cabbage town. At first I didn't know what hit me, but then when I got home, I saw the oozing eggness on the side of my truck. That's so wierd because last week, I sort of had the sensation that I was cracking open like an egg, like subconsciously I am giving birth to something new, like some aspect of myself or something. I would say more, but I just don't know, so when things are clearer, perhaps I will share. Life's pretty groovy though lately, the problem I am having is that it's been difficult for me to stay awake for it. Perhaps I should drink more coffee. Ok, if this week's entry isn't obscure, then I don't know what is. Peace Out.

03/25/2000

So, one of my favorite feelings in the world is that one where I can tell I am healing from a hurt and I don't feel like I am totally doomed. Sometimes, if something happens that hurts my feelings or bums me out, I can go very quickly into a tail spin, sort of like falling into a hole, or a bottomless pit. I didn't really do that this time, but it took a lot of effort to keep from falling into the hole. Often times, it's more like a vacuum tube and I have to hold on with all my effort to keep from getting sucked in. I mean, but what I love, is that feeling where things are restored, like the end of a large storm, where the wind slows down, and the clean-up can begin. I am rambling from the caffiene I have had, but my point is that I have got my game back, I think for now. What I have to remember is that just because I don't always get what I want, or things happen unexpectedly, doesn't mean I am totally screwed and nothing will ever work out. It's that all or nothing thing that really messes me up. What I am getting to is that I think it's true that despite hard times, heart break, and wierdness in the world, I think the universe is still unfolding as it should, even though I don't always like it. Have a nice day!

03/18/2000

The topic of the day is about fantasy and reality and how the Web tends to blur the two. I have a cold, so I'm not feeling too great.It occured to me last night in my nighttime cold medicine stupor, well actually about 4am, when I awoke thinking about it, that the Web, Internet, whatever, is a huge breeder of fantasies. I mean, the beauty of talking on the web or looking at things on the web is that the human element is sort of lost and a person can create themselves and spin a web of illusion around them and how they want to be perceived. I mean it's a beautiful thing, but it's also kind of strange and impersonal. I kind of dig it sometimes, especially being a person with a large imagination and the ability to spin yarns at the drop of a hat, but there's sometimes something lost in the translation from reality to fantasy. Some human element. I am not sure that I will find someone who can stand in the fire with me, and not shrink back on the web.

03/11/2000

So what else is new? I don't know, I have some strange ideas at times. Like here's one of them. What if life actually made sense. What if life was not random. I mean even in studies of chaos, scientists have found patterns of order. Coincidence? Who knows. I never used to believe in God when I was young and growing up. I never really thought I did, yet I was always trying to find order, I was always looking for patterns, so I mean, what was I looking for? Was I looking for now? A time, when, like now, I would start to see my life making sense? It's like I had to become completely unraveled to feel like things made any sense. ... So, more later.