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LINX
I never sleep,
Sarah or here
A crappy play by Jorge Vasquez
Scene opens in the quiet common room in Gryffie.
The portrait opens, it is late night outside. Some shuffling is heard and the portrait closes. From under the invisibility (wow! invisibility has 5 i's) cloak come Harry, Ron + Hermione.
Ron: (Holding something that looks like a dead chicken) Phew!! Ok, someone explain to me again, why did we steal Fawkes?
Hermione: Ugh! For the umpteenth time, Ron! It's so I can brew a special kind of lov...err...brain... potion so you can get good grades!
Ron: (Picks nose) Huh?
Hermione: Grrr! Never mind!
Harry: (Picks up Fawkes) Uhh� Hermione? I�ve never seen Fawkes like this (Pokes Fawkes with a finger) He looks dead.
Hermione: Gasp! (Covers her mouth so she won�t wake everyone up) Ron! What did you do?
Ron: uhh� oh, I put him under my sweater. He looked kinda cold.
Harry: You moron!! You haven�t bathed in five days! Don�t you think I notice? Geez! The smell killed him!
Ron: uhh� don�t they burn up and come back?
Harry: Grr�err�hmmm. I didn�t think of that. Hermione? What do you think?
Hermione: (Examining corpse) Nope, that only happens if they die a natural death, not if they�re asphyxiated.
Harry: Crap! Uhh�What if we burn the corpse?
Ron: Good id�
Harry: Shut up, Moron!
Hermione: (Shrugs) It�s worth a try.
Ron: (Picks up dead bird and tosses it in the fireplace)
Harry: You might want to start a fire.
Ron: My wand sux. You do it.
Hermione: Fine! (Lights fire)
All: (Sit around watching the fire)
Harry: Nothing�s happening.
Ron: Mmm� smells like barbeque.
Harry: (Slaps Ron) Shaddup!
Hermione: Ok, Nothing happened (Turns off fire) Now what?
Harry: Well, I say we get rid of this evidence, pronto!
Hermione: Ron, go flush out those bird ashes� and the feathers.
Ron: Why me?
Harry + Hermione: (Dirty looks)
Ron: Uh, Ok!
Hermione: (To Harry) Go with him!
Harry: Wha�
Hermione: (Dirty looks)
Harry: Fine!
(All proceed do collect the evidence. Harry + Ron walk off towards the bathroom. Flushing sound then Harry and Ron return)
Harry: Now what?
Hermione: We need to replace Fawkes before DUMBledore realizes he�s gone.
Ron: How do we do that?
Hermione: We buy one off the internet.
Ron: The what?
Hermione: �and you�re paying for it!
Ron: What?? I�m poor as dirt!!
Harry: Sell a kidney.
Ron: Fair enough.
Hermione: (On laptop) No, I don�t want my penis enlarged� ok, here we go: www.buy-a-phoenis.com.wiz
Harry: What does it cost?
Hermione: An arm and a leg.
Ron: Do I get to keep my kidney then?
Harry + Hermione: (Awkward pause)
Hermione: Uhh�technically�
Ron: Fine, buy it.
Hermione: (Taps some keys) There it is, the Order of the Phoneix is done.
Ron: When does it get here?
Hermione: UPS Ground 6-8 days� X-Press Owl Overnight. It should be here tomorrow.
Harry: There�s nothing more to do tonight then. Let�s go to sleep.
Hermione: yeah, let�s.
Ron: Zzzz�(Mumbles) Yes, Mr. Fuzzybear, I�ll help you build a house made of chocolate chips�
Harry + Hermione: (Shake heads and walk off)
Lights fade, curtain closes.
Applause, snacks, intermission, potty break�
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix
A crappy play by Jorge Vasquez
Act 2
Scene opens in the Great Hall. It is early morning and a few students are sleepily making their way in. Hermione is already sitting at the Gryffindor table eating in a hurry. Professor DUMBledore and Professor McGonagall are deep in conversation as they walk past Hermione on their way to the teacher�s table.
McGonagall: Come on, Albus. Be rational about this. Maybe he just went out for a midnight stroll.
DUMBledore: But�but�(puts his lips) why? What could he possibly be doing? It�s not like him to just up and leave like that.
McGonagall: He�s been gone before though, and you know it.
DUMBledore: He�s always left a note before, or come up with some cheesy excuse because he knows I worry like this. Oh! Where could he be?
McGonagall: Now, now, Albus. I�m sure he�ll be back before you know it. He cant stay gone forever, right?
DUMBledore: (sniff) yeah, I guess you�re right. Let�s go get some breakfast. A couple of donuts ought to make me feel better.
McGonagall: (Stern look) Albus! Aren�t you forgetting something?
DUMBledore: (Blank stare) What?
McGonagall: Your diet?
DUMBledore: (Blank stare. Blinks)
McGonagall: For swimsuit season?
DUMBledore: Uhh�
McGonagall: So you�ll look good in a (wink) Speedo?
DUMBledore: Oh! Right (Giggles) For the pool in the teacher�s lounge.
McGonagall + DUMBledore: (Walk off towards the teacher�s table)
Hermione: (Suppresses a laugh)
Harry: (Walks in) is it here yet?
Hermione: Good morning is nice.
Harry: Whatever. So, is it here yet or not?
Hermione: Do you see it anywhere? No! It�s not here yet! But it had better get here soon. I just heard Professor DUMBledore and McGonagall talking. DUMBledore already suspects something.
Harry: Really? What did they say?
Hermione: Well, they were talking about him being missing , but we may be safe yet. I think it�s not the first time Fawkes has gone missing.
Harry: They said he�s been missing before?
Hermione: They didn�t mention him by name, but I�m sure that�s who they were talking about. I mean, who else would they be talking about?
(Snape walks in drunk and stumbling. He�s got a flowery hat on and a bottle of tequila in one hand)
Snape: (Shouts) Whooo!! VIVA MEXICO!!! Dawrrrk lorrrds furr life!
(DUMBledore + McGonagall run towards Snape from the teacher�s table)
DUMBledore: (hugs Snape) There you are Severus!! I�ve been worried sick! How could you leave so suddenly like this, without warning, without a word! I�ve been up all night worrying about you!
(DUMBledore + McGonagall carry Snape off to the teacher�s lounge)
McGonagall: Settle down, Severus. You�ll scare the kids.
Snape: Hey! Don�t tell me what to do! 500 points from Gryffindor!
(DUMBledore, McGonagall +Snape all exit the Great Hall)
All in the Great Hall except Hermione erupt in laughter
Harry: (Snickers) So what were you saying, Hermione?
Hermione: (Slightly embarrassed) Never mind� just stay out of the teacher�s lounge.
Harry: Why?
Hermione: Don�t ask, Ok?
Harry: Fine. Do you want to go visit Ron after breakfast?
Hermione: Wow, that was quick!
Harry: I know. They came about two hours ago.
Hermione: Sure, why not?
(Harry + Hermione eat breakfast)
Ravenclaw Student: (Imitating Snape) 500 points from Gryffindor!
Everyone: (Laughs hysterically)
Harry: (Shoots milk through his nose)
Curtain closes. End of scene.
ACT 2 Scene 2
The Hospital wing. Ron is lying in bed, his body bandaged.
Draco: (Runs in)Ahh! Help! Doctor, help!
Madame Pompfrey: Calm down young man! Calm down! What seems to be the problem?
Draco: The problem? Can�t you see the problem?
Pompfrey: (Adjusts her glasses) Well�
Draco: Someone put a shrinking charm on my leather pants!! I can�t get them off!!!
Pompfrey: Oh! I see! Come right this way! (Walk off motioning for Draco to follow)
Draco: Right behind ya! (Struggles to move in his tight pants) Ow! Ow! Wedgie! (Hops offstage)
(Hermione + Harry walk in)
Harry: (To Ron) Hey! How you doing?
Ron: (Absent mindedly) Hehe. You should have seen Draco just now�
Hermione: (High fives Harry) I told you it would work.
Ron: So what�s wrong with me anyway? I just woke up here feeling all numb an I can�t move.
Harry: Have you tried to scratch your butt?
Ron: I told you! I can�t move!
Hermione: Oh, you can move alright�
Ron: what do you mean? I can�t move my right arm!
Harry: That�s cuz you don�t have one.
Ron: What???
Hermione: Or a leg�
Ron: AHHH!!!
Harry: We told you it would cost an arm and a leg.
Ron: You son of a bitch!! When I get out of here I�m gonna stick my foot so far up your�
Hermione: (Giggles) yeah, and then you�ll fall on yours
Ron: Grrr�
Harry: Oh, relax. Madam Pmpfrey will grow them back.
Ron: You, son of a� oh, hey! What ever happened to Fawkes II? Did it get here yet?
Hermione: Yeah, it arrived just after breakfast. We walked right into DUMBledore�s office and put him in his cage.
Ron: How did you do that without getting caught?
Harry: He was off tending to Snape in the teacher�s lounge
Hermione: yeah, he was drunk off his butt, and I hate to thin of it, but I don�t think he had any underwear on.
Harry + Ron: (Weird look)
Hermione: women�s intuition?
Ron: Riiiiight�.
Hermione: Fine! I looked up his robes when he fell on the floor!
Harry + Ron: (Giggles)
Harry: (Hands Ron a piece of paper) Here, this is for you.
Ron: (Grabs it with his remaining arm) What is it?
Hermione: The receipt. You may want to hang on to that.
Ron: (Reads) Dear Costumer,
Thank you for shopping at www.buy-a-phoenix.com.wiz. We hope you are satisfied with the product(s) we delivered. Below is a detailed account of your order.
| Item | Qty. | Cost |
| Phoenix | 1 | arm |
| Tax: | leg | |
| Total: | An arm and a leg |
Small print: Our elves will be by shortly (if they have not already) to collect your payment. Once again, thank you for shopping at www.buy-a-phoenix.com.wiz
Harry: Well, I guess that�s it then.
Hermione: Yup.
Ron: (To audience) Good night everybody!!
Curtain closes. The End.
Elves run across the stage with Ron�s severed limbs.