Title:  Butt!

Author:  Joolz

Feedback:  If you like J   [email protected]

Category:  GEN, Challenge, Humor

Rating:  PG 

Archive:  Please ask before linking

Season/Spoilers:  Any/None 

Synopsis:  A short course on comparative anatomy

Challenge:  Dangerous when wet

Notes:  This is unbeta’d.  There is absolutely no one to blame but me.

Warnings:  Rampant silliness

Disclaimer:  Have I apologized for doing this to lovely characters that aren’t mine?  Just playing, really.

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Butt!

 

 

“So, you can see what that means.”  Sam paused and looked around the table expectantly.

 

Daniel blinked and realized that he hadn’t been following his teammate’s explanation.  From the blank expressions on the faces of the others around the table, he guessed that maybe none of them were exactly right there with her on this. 

 

“Um,” he began tentatively, “maybe you could just go over that last part again.”  Several grateful looks came his way. 

 

Sam frowned and sighed.  “Okay.  Again.  The MALP readings indicate….”  She was suddenly cut off by a spray of water in the face.  She jumped back with a loud “Ack!” and sheltered her eyes with her hands. 

 

Daniel hadn’t even had time to snicker when he realized that he was getting soaked, too.  Twenty-one floors underground, and it was raining?

 

General Hammond bounded to his feet, glaring at the overhead sprinklers.  “Well, I’ll be danged!  I haven’t heard any fire alarms.  I’m going to find out what in Sam Hill is going on here.”  Their formidable leader barreled out of the room on a mission, streams of water coursing down his bald head.

 

The rest of them stood dripping in the spray.  Jack fixed Sam with an eager gaze.  “Well, Carter.  Do something.”

 

“Do something?  Sir, do you see ‘sprinkler system repair’ anywhere on my CV?  I don’t think so.”

 

Daniel looked down at the conference table and exclaimed in alarm as he saw all the notes he’d brought in to the meeting congealing into an ink-stained lump.    Just as he got a folder propped up over the papers, the water stopped. 

 

Sam crossed her arms over her wet chest and blew a drop off the end of her nose.  “Imagine that,”  she grinned sarcastically, “someone managed to fix something without my intervention.”

 

Jack teased back, “Aw, come on.  You like to be needed, and you know it.”

 

Teal’c, who had remained unperturbed throughout the entire shower suddenly tensed, and his eyes widened.  He said seriously, “I believe I shall proceed to my quarters to determine whether any damage has occurred there.”

 

As he strode from the room, Sam followed.  “I’ll go with you.” 

 

As they left, Jack called, “Hey, if the place is flooded and the candles floating, give us a call and we’ll help out.”  Then he turned to Daniel, “What say we go find some dry clothes?”

 

“After you, oh fearless wet one.”

 

They took the stairs to the locker level, passing two more floors with water seeping under the door.  Luckily, their destination had been spared the impromptu dowsing. 

 

In the locker room, Daniel sighed in contentment at the abundant dryness all around them and began to strip off his clothes.  In doing so, he glanced at Jack, who was pulling his wet shirt off over his head.  The motion, accentuated by a slight bend at the waist pulled the wet cammos tight around Jack’s rear, and Daniel let his eyes linger there for a moment. 

 

Suddenly, his head snapped up and he groaned wryly, “I can’t believe I just did that.”

 

Jack looked at him curiously.  “Did what?”

 

Daniel blurted, “I just checked out your butt.”

 

The other man craned his head around to look down his back at the body part in question.  “What’s wrong with it?  I sit in something?”

 

“No, it’s fine.  It’s nice.  I mean,” he floundered, “I just can’t believe I was checking it out, is all.”

 

Jack said matter-of-factly, “As long as you think it’s okay, that’s all that matters,” and continued dressing.

 

But Daniel was still embarrassed.  “I mean, why should I check out your butt?  Of course, I’ve checked out Sam’s butt…”  He stopped and colored.  “I shouldn’t have said that.”

 

“Don’t worry about it Daniel.  Every single person on this base, male and female, has spent a moment in contemplation of that spectacular rear end.  And we get the pleasure of walking behind it on a regular basis.  Lucky us.”  Jack grinned.

 

Slightly mollified, Daniel added, “So, it’s not just me.” 

 

Jack snorted. 

 

With a slap, Daniel’s trousers dropped into a sodden lump on the floor.  He looked at Jack speculatively.  “So, have you checked out Teal’c’s butt, too?”

 

Jack was shoving his arms through the sleeves of a dry T-shirt.  He paused and gazed dreamily at the locker in front of him.  “Ah, Teal’c’s butt.  That man is built like a…”  He was at a loss for words.

 

“Brick house?”  Daniel offered helpfully.

 

“Yes, exactly.  You know, I bet he could crack walnuts between his cheeks.”

 

“Jack!”

 

“I’m just saying.  That ass is so hard it’s downright intimidating.”

 

Daniel took a step back.  “Geez, Jack!  Too much information!”

 

“Hey, you did ask.”

 

Daniel stepped into a dry pair of pants.  He had to ask.  There was no way he could bite down on his tongue hard enough to keep himself from doing it without causing irreparable damage. 

 

“So,  um.  I don’t suppose any of you would have had any reason to look at mine…?”

 

Jack glanced at him, puzzled.  “Whaddaya mean?”

 

“You don’t have to rub it in.  I know it isn’t anything to write home about.”  He thought, --I will not pout.  I will not pout.-- 

 

“Daniel, you’re pouting!”  Jack’s face twitched and began to light up.  “You really don’t know, do you?”  The smile was becoming obnoxiously broad.

 

Before Daniel could defend himself, a sputtering laugh erupted from his friend’s mouth and nose, which Jack quickly covered with his hand.  “Sorry,”  he choked.

 

Now Daniel was getting angry.  “What?  What are you laughing at?”

 

Jack collapsed onto the bench and leaned down to bang his head softly against the seat as his laughter grew. 

 

Daniel practically stamped his foot.  “Jaaack!”

 

The locker room door opened, and Teal’c stepped in.  He stood and surveyed the scene disapprovingly. 

 

The archaeologist greeted him.  “Hey, Teal’c.  How’s your room?”

 

“It is fine.  Fortunately the malfunction did not extend to that section of the complex.  General Hammond wishes us to continue the briefing in the commissary while the maintenance staff repairs the damage to the conference room.”  He frowned at his still hysterical team leader.  “What is the matter with O’Neill?”

 

“Jack’s laughing at me.”  Daniel didn’t pout.

 

The offender controlled his mirth well enough to gasp, “I…I’m not laughing at you, D…Daniel.  Oh!”  he choked, “Oh, Teal’c.  It’s that he thinks…he thinks nobody would want to…”  The Air Force Colonel collapsed again into a quivering ball, his arms wrapped around his stomach.

 

Daniel pursed his lips and glared as O’Neill gave it another try.  Jack swallowed his laughter and steadied his red face.  “He thinks his ass isn’t attractive.”

 

Teal’c’s eyebrows drew together as he tilted his head to inspect the area under discussion.

 

Daniel fumed, “Geez, Jack.  Now you’ve got Teal’c looking at my butt!”

 

Jack’s face contorted in a desperate effort at control.  “So, what do you think, big guy?”

 

Teal’c replied thoughtfully, “I believe that the muscular structure of your posterior anatomy is most adequate.”

 

Daniel was slightly disappointed.  “Adequate?”

 

“Most adequate.  There are, however, others whose opinions are likely more expert than my own, and I am given to understand that this is the consensus judgment.”

 

“What?”

 

“For example, I have heard Nurse Elaine and Nurse Sharon agree that in their professional estimation you have, I shall quote, ‘The best tush in town.’”

 

Daniel gulped, color rising in his face.  “You’re joking, right?”

 

I am not, DanielJackson.  Physical Therapist Phillips appears to be quite an authority on such matters, and has declared you officially ‘The most grabable.’”

 

Daniel’s blush rose.  “R...Raymond Phillips?”

 

“The same.”

 

Jack gasped, trying to get his breath back.  “God, Daniel, don’t you ever look at it in the mirror?”

 

“Of course not!”, he insisted indignantly.  “It’s just something I sit on.”

 

Daniel started for the door, then turned back and grabbed a bulky, long sleeved shirt out of his locker and slid it on.  He pulled the tail of the shirt down as far as he could to cover his backside.  He thought, --I will not even look at Jack.-- 

 

But of course he did.  Jack had a fond grin on his face and was shaking his head in disbelief.  Daniel glared again and shook a finger.  “That’s enough from you, mister.”

 

Daniel guided Teal’c out the door with one hand on his shoulder.  “So, Teal’c.  Do you like walnuts?”

 

“I find that flavoring most agreeable, DanielJackson.  Why do you ask?”

 

“Well, it’s just that Jack had the idea that you could…”

 

The door closed behind them, but sure enough, Jack had his ass in gear so fast that Daniel didn’t get to finish the sentence.

 

 

The End

 

 

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