Title:  Holding Your Own

Author:  Joolz

Feedback:  If you like J  [email protected]

Rating:  R (for one violent scene)

Category:  Pre-Slash/slash, Angst/Drama, Hurt/Comfort

Pairing:  J/D

Season/Spoilers:  5ish/ None

Notes: My eternal gratitude to Catspaw and Sharon G for working with me on this.

Synopsis:  Sometimes there’s nothing to do but accept the inevitable

Warnings:  Angst-o-rama, some graphic language, one violent scene, but apparently not OTT

Disclaimer:  Not my lovely characters, just playing with them.

 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

HOLDING YOUR OWN

By Joolz

 

 

Jack sat contentedly in his lawn chair sucking on his fifth beer in an hour.  Hey, it was hot.  He surveyed the scene around him with slightly detached bemusement, and didn’t quite listen to Cassie’s long analysis of the pros and cons of asking a particular boy to go to a movie.  His back yard was full to overflowing in the perfect, warm Fourth of July weather.  Several small boys were excitedly buzzing through the crowd pretending to be airplanes.  Several small girls had appropriated a picnic table, under which they huddled, and conferred in intense whispers.  Men and women lounged on the lawn, strolled with drinks or hotdogs in hand, or sat in laughing groups. 

 

The heavenly scent of grilling hamburgers drew his attention to the barbecue, where Teal’c had taken responsibility for ‘preparing the flesh of bovines for human consumption’.  An appropriate outdoor cooking implement in each hand, Teal’c divided his attention between the sizzling meat and Daniel, who was animatedly telling the larger man some story. From where he was Jack couldn’t hear the words. 

 

Daniel was wearing a loose white T-shirt tucked into dark green chinos.  Jack watched the nimble hands emphasize his account, only slightly hampered by a glass of ice tea.  Jack’s gaze drifted up the arms to follow along the width of the broad shoulders, the planes and curves of which were clearly visible under the thin fabric, and then inched down the hollow of the spine to dwell on the nicely displayed hip and ass area.  He noted with pleasure the sensual lines of the thigh muscles suggested under the green fabric.  Jack smiled inwardly as his eyes lingered almost vacantly on the sight, and he felt a stirring of heat in his belly.  Perfect form.  There was nothing in the world more beautiful.

 

He couldn’t sit there and stare at Daniel’s body all day, so with a reluctant effort Jack managed to wrench his gaze away.  He leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and willed his mind to focus on something else.  His relaxed daze crumbled as a prickling sensation alerted him that he was being watched.  He turned his head to meet the clear blue eyes of his commanding officer, which pierced through him where he sat.  The heat in Jack’s belly soured as he realized that George had seen.  George Hammond had seen what Jack felt for Daniel.  The General’s face might have appeared carefully neutral to most observers, but to Jack it was there in the knowing, slightly sad, expression. 

 

Jack looked away quickly, his heart pounding in mild panic.  He told himself that it didn’t matter, that nothing had happened and nothing was going to.  It was not a problem.  His secret wouldn’t affect anyone if he were just more careful about not letting his guard down.  After all, it wasn’t like he would ever, ever, say anything about it to Daniel himself.

 

Cassie’s voice broke through his thoughts, and he turned to look at her.  “But my mother says that he would be flattered to be asked.  What do you think?”

 

Jack’s panic returned for a brief instant as he imagined that she had been reading his mind.  Then, remembering the topic under discussion, he started to breathe again.

 

“Um, yeah.  I agree.  Don’t sell yourself short.”

 

“Do you really think so?  Because Suzy said that she thought he liked Laura, so it might be just embarrassing.  Maybe if I started out all casual-like, talking about the football game or something.  Then I could…”

 

Jack again lost the thread of Cassie’s teenage dilemma as a wave of desolation, of irredeemable loneliness, washed through him.  He fought it down with iron determination, crushing the self pity and swallowing the lump in his throat.  His life was as it was.  The situation was clear; all his duties, all his priorities were apparent and unequivocal.  End of story.

 

The prickle returned and Jack turned to meet another pair of blue eyes; Daniel’s.  From his place beside Teal’c, Daniel was looking at him with his head slightly lowered, a faint, questioning smile on his lips.  Jack’s best friend was asking, ‘You all right?’

 

Jack nodded slowly and the smile deepened and relaxed.  Daniel turned back to Teal’c and Jack turned back to Cassie.  Her problem he could help with.  There was hope for her.

 

++++++++++++

 

This kind of thing was about at the bottom of the list of George’s preferred duties.  It was a fine line to walk and too damn easy to go too far one way or the other.  Still, it had to be done and the sooner the better.  He was aware of how much of the success of this command hinged on SG-1.  It wasn’t entirely healthy, but much of the personnel, both field and base, regarded the premier team with an almost superstitious reverence.  Most of them would give their lives to protect that group of four, and in fact some of them had done so.  That gave SG-1 an unlooked for responsibility to maintain the highest possible standards of behavior.  To set the example.  But none of the four were perfect, their humanity simultaneously strength and weakness.  They had to be handled.

 

As the General ruminated on the often tenuous interplay of professional and personal integrity, a sharp rap sounded at his door, and he looked up to see Jack O’Neill standing with a stack of papers in his hand.

 

“Excuse me, General.  I’ve finished the evaluation of SG-10’s field performance that you asked for. My conclusions and recommendations are on top.”  He stepped forward and set the papers on the General’s desk.

 

“Thank you, Colonel.  I look forward to reading them.”  He steadied himself and continued, “Would you close the door and take a seat for a minute?”

 

“Of course, sir.”  The tall, graying man complied with precise efficiency of movement, the only sign of his tension.  George thought that Jack probably knew exactly what was coming.  Well, that might make the whole thing easier.

 

The base commander folded his hands together in front of himself and dived right in. 

 

“So Colonel O’Neill, how are things with SG-1?”  With that kind of question, Hammond could easily have used the other man’s first name.  The fact that he hadn’t was a signal to set the tone.

 

The answer was crisp and brief.  “Just fine, sir.”

 

“Because you know how much I respect the job you all do.  I’ve never seen a team work together better.”

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

“And you know that personally I’m mighty fond of each and every one of you.”

 

“That’s nice to hear.”

 

“You are four unique and complicated individuals.”

 

Jack tried for his usual nonchalance.  “Oh, I don’t know.  I’m simple as mud.”

 

“As a team you’ve gotten into some unusual situations, to say the least, but I’ve never doubted that it was fully justified to allow some latitude outside normal operating procedures.  The results are worth it.”

 

“Thank you, sir.  I know all my team appreciates the support you’ve given us over the years.”

 

“I’ll continue to back your team up just as long as I can, Colonel, and I would sure hate for anything to interfere with that special working relationship you all have developed.  I would hate for SG-1 to have to be split up for any reason.”

 

“So would I, General, and I can’t see that happening.  Everything’s just fine.  There are no problems at all.”

 

“Glad to hear it, son.  Glad to hear it.  I’m glad we had this talk.”  Hammond reached for the stack of papers.

 

Jack stood and moved to the door.  “Always a pleasure, General.”

 

After the other man had gone, George lay the files back down and sighed.  That went well.  Lines were drawn without undue awkwardness.  He could count on O’Neill to do what he had to do.  So why then did he feel like he had just drowned one puppy for the sake of the litter?

 

+++++++++++++++++

 

 

Daniel tapped the steering wheel nervously as he guided the car through another of the long curves in the winding road.  Something was wrong with Jack and he was determined to find out what it was.  His friend hadn’t been himself for some time.  He’d been unusually silent and distant.  Although he still performed all his functions with the same attention and skill, he just seemed heavier somehow.  Daniel suspected that Jack might actually be depressed. 

 

Daniel thought that he should know what was going on.  They could always read each other so well, even if they didn’t always like what they found.  Why was this time different?  He hadn’t noticed anything outside of the normal drama of their lives that could be causing Jack to withdraw.  He’d just have to get it out of him.  They hadn’t been spending as much time together lately, so Daniel had decided to take the initiative.  He would present himself at Jack’s house and refuse to leave until he was satisfied that he understood the problem.  Or maybe sit and watch a game in silence.  Whichever.

 

As he pulled up in Jack’s driveway, he noticed a motorcycle parked next to the large truck.  It wasn’t Sam’s, so he wondered to whom it belonged.  It surprised him to realize that he assumed that he knew everyone that Jack knew, though of course that was impossible.  Jack had a life.  Sort of.  They both did.  Sort of.  It was just that for the last several years their ‘sort of’ lives had been almost entirely parallel.

 

As usual, Daniel knocked lightly on the door as he opened it to let himself in.  He called out, “Jack?” as he stepped forward, then stopped suddenly.  Indeed Jack was not alone and there was the tension of imminent violence in the room.  Jack was standing in the living room facing in Daniel’s direction with his hands clenched on his hips.  In front of him, with his back to Daniel, was another man, slightly shorter than Jack, but broader.  The way his arms where crossed on his chest caused his muscles to bunch and bulge through his T-shirt.

 

All at once unsure whether he should be there, Daniel stuttered, “Um, oh, s..sorry, Jack.  If this is a bad time…”

 

Jack never took his eyes off the visitor.  “That’s alright, he was just leaving.”  If tone of voice alone could freeze, the guy would be a Popsicle.

 

The stranger turned then and looked at Daniel, whose breath caught in shock.  It was no one he recognized, but… he was gorgeous.  The man had brown wavy hair and deeply tanned skin, with languid, dark eyes below long lashes, and a strong, square jaw.  His body radiated physical power.  The man’s gaze stripped Daniel bare as it raked him up and down.  If that weren’t enough to set all his alarms blaring, the voice, when he spoke, would have done it.

 

“Nice,” he commented suggestively.  “So Jack, aren’t you going to introduce me to your…friend?”

 

“Oh, I don’t think so.”  Jack took a step forward.  “You were just leaving.”

 

“You have lost your social skills.  You used to be so polite.”

 

The man walked over to Daniel and stood in his personal space.  “My name is Tony Cinzano.”

 

“Daniel Jackson.”

 

Tony purred Daniel’s name in response and turned to lift his eyebrows approvingly at Jack, whose own eyes narrowed dangerously as he took another step forward.  “Out.”

 

He said simply, “You’ll be hearing from me,” and moved toward the door, passing close enough so that his chest brushed against Daniel’s.  Daniel felt the electric charge from the other man’s body pass into his own and quicken uncomfortably, stirring his libido.  Which was, he was sure, the intention.  He stared after the mysterious Tony Cinzano until the door closed.

 

Taking a deep breath, Daniel turned back to Jack, but was silenced by his friend’s stiff, angry demeanor.  Jack seemed to be lost in thought for a moment, unaware of his presence, then turned abruptly and strode toward the kitchen.  With forced casualness, he asked, “You want a beer?”

 

“Um, yeah.”

 

Daniel trailed after him, shaken by the charged scene that had just played out in this familiar safe space. 

 

Jack placed a cold bottle in his hand and walked back into the living room.  Sprawling into a chair, he asked, “So what brings you here?”

 

Daniel stood uncertainly.  “I…uh…who was that?”

 

“Nobody.”

 

Wrong answer.  Daniel just looked at Jack until the older man broke.

 

“Someone from a long time ago.”

 

Daniel sat down.  “Tell me.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I have a feeling that it’s important and I want to know.”

 

Jack looked at him sullenly.  “And you won’t let it drop, will you?  I have no privacy, do I?”

 

There was no need to answer that.

 

Jack set his bottle down on the floor and arched his back into an extended stretch, vertebrae popping.  He left his head leaning back against the chair and clasped his hands over his face, sighing loudly through his fingers.

 

Dropping his hands, Jack turned to Daniel.  “Old story.  Ancient history.”

 

“No harm in telling it then.”

 

Jack stared at the coffee table and answered sadly, “No harm,” then resignedly began the explanation.

 

“Long time ago, Daniel, almost twenty years.  I was based at Kelly Air Force Base in San Antonio, can’t tell you why.  Special Ops stuff.  Anyhow, Tony was based there too, flying big cargo planes.  And..,”  he glanced quickly at Daniel and away again, “I was crazy about him.”

 

Daniel wasn’t sure he’d heard right, but he kept his expression calm and nodded for Jack to go on.

 

“It was just one of those things.  I couldn’t get enough of him, if you know what I mean.” Jack’s face was turning a deep red.

 

Daniel asked evenly, “How did you meet?”

 

Jack leaned his head back again and closed his eyes.  It was clearly easier for him to talk about this without eye contact.

 

“I used to see him in the gym; we’d both be working out.  He just…he just had the most incredible body.  I would secretly watch him lift weights, use the machines.  He looked like a young god.  I felt stuff.  About him.  I didn’t think he even knew I was alive.  But I was wrong.  He had his eye on me too.  Late one night after everyone else had gone, I was lying down on a bench working my traps and he walked over casually like he was going to use another machine, but he didn’t.  He stood over my bench so that his knees were touching mine and looked down at me.  I let the bar I was pulling down go and just looked up at him.  Then he bent forward,”  Jack squirmed slightly in his chair at the memory, “and he like… he laid down on top of me and kissed me.  Right there in the gym.” 

 

Jack opened his eyes then and looked at Daniel.  “It blew my mind.  I’d never even kissed a guy before, but I was right there.  Never been so hard in my life.  We…”  He stopped suddenly and looked away again.  “Sorry, you don’t need the details.  I’ll just say that from then on we were together every chance we got.  It was stupid.  We took stupid risks.  But that was part of the excitement, knowing what would happen if we got caught.  We did it all, Daniel.  I was obsessed.  I didn’t ever like Tony, not even then.”  He managed some eye contact again.  “He was crass and shallow and I thought I would die if I couldn’t fuck him.  Or if he couldn’t fuck me.”  He fell silent.

 

Daniel felt surprisingly calm.  Or was it numb?  “So what happened?”

 

“I got transferred.  I didn’t say goodbye, I never saw him again until today.  I always liked women, Daniel.  It wasn’t that.  I met Sara and didn’t give it any more thought.”

 

“And you were never with another man?”

 

“No.”  An odd look, almost desperation, flashed across Jack’s face, which then contracted around it.  “No.  I…I’ve felt attraction, but I never acted on it.”  Jack was using all of his will to hold himself together as he said that.

 

Daniel had a flash of insight.  Suddenly a lot of things started falling into place.  Jack was in love with someone, a man, and couldn’t do anything about it.  No wonder he was depressed.  Then the thought of who that might be occurred to him and his brain abruptly stopped functioning.  When it resumed, the concept was firmly shunted to the back of his mind.

 

He asked, “And then he shows up here today?”

 

Jack’s head dropped back again.  “Oh, God, Daniel.  I am so screwed.  He got transferred to Peterson and I guess he heard rumors about something big going down at Cheyenne Mountain.  Then he found out I was there.  He came here to blackmail me, Daniel.”

 

“What?”

 

“He wanted to know what was going on at the base.  Said he wanted a piece of the action.  If I didn’t get him in, he would start telling people about us.  I think he meant it, regardless of how it would affect him.”  Jack leaned forward with his elbows on his knees.  “What a stupid thing.  What a fucking stupid thing to do.  What a fucking stupid way to lose a career.”

 

Daniel bent toward his friend and said firmly, “Jack, don’t jump ahead.  This isn’t necessarily going to happen.  You have to calm down.”

 

Jack grabbed his beer and sucked in the rest of the bottle in two swallows.  Then he said, “You’re right.  It’s just a shock.  Seeing him again.  Then that.  Then this.”  He waved his hand between them.  “It’s just all, well, a shock.”

 

Daniel smiled wryly.  “Yes, I can see where it would be.”

 

Jack looked at him piercingly.  “What about you?”

 

“Well, I’m slightly shocked myself.”

 

“No.  Here I am doing major confession time.  What about you?  Can you even things up a little bit?”

 

Daniel blushed.  “You mean have I ever been with a man?”

 

“Yeah, pretty much, that’s what I mean.”

 

Daniel could understand why Jack was having so much trouble talking about this.  It was a definite edge.

 

“Well, no.  I, uh.  It’s not that I have a problem with it in general or anything like that.  Totally cool.  Fine.  Whatever.  I guess I kind of got put off that whole scene.”

 

Now Jack looked at him quizzically.  “What do you mean?”

 

“I’ve never been with a man voluntarily.”  Jack’s eyes widened.  “I didn’t mean that the way that it sounded.  It’s more like I have been hit on, aggressively, and ‘no’ wasn’t taken for an answer. From when I was really young.  I, ah, I guess I got seriously scared a couple of times.  I’ve never wanted it.”

 

“Shit, Daniel.  Is there someone I should kill?”

 

Jack looked so earnest that the nervous tension broke suddenly and Daniel sputtered, laughing out loud.  “No, no.  That won’t be necessary.”

 

Jack watched him laugh for a moment, then began to quake himself, and it was all over.  Jack was laughing and slid off his chair into a heap on the floor and neither of them could stop the giddiness, even though there wasn’t a damn thing funny. 

 

Eventually they were both exhausted and fell silent.  Daniel scooted off his chair to sit on the floor next to Jack. 

 

It was weird, but Jack looked more relaxed than he had in months.  He glanced sideways at Daniel and said, “Thanks.”

 

“Any time, Jack.  Any time at all.”  Daniel was feeling strangely good himself.  “So you wanna watch a game?”

 

“Hell, at this point I would even watch one of those foreign movies you like.”

 

“With sub-titles?”

 

“With sub-titles.”

 

“Thanks, Jack, but I won’t put you through that.”

 

The older man nodded.  “All right.  Hockey it is then.  You get the beer.”

 

Nothing was resolved.  Not a thing.  But for tonight there wouldn’t be any more trouble.

 

++++++++++++++

 

There was one thing Daniel could do to help Jack, and he was going to do it.

 

Daniel’s military ID was enough to get him past the front gate of Peterson Air Force Base and he had no trouble finding the right building.  However, he was stopped at the security check point at the main entrance and got no farther. 

 

“Is Major Cinzano expecting you, Dr. Jackson?”

 

“No, but please tell him I’m here. He’ll see me.”

 

Sure enough, the security officer hung up the phone and motioned to a young man nearby. 

 

“Airman, escort Dr. Jackson to Major Cinzano’s office.”

 

Following the boy in the crisp uniform through the drab halls, Daniel appreciated that the game had already begun.  The ‘Major’ was too important to go to the trouble of coming down to meet him. 

 

When they arrived at the door that read, “Major T. Cinzano – Transport Chief”, it was closed.  Daniel was ready to bet the other man would find a way to keep him waiting.  That was okay, he was ready.

 

Daniel knocked.

 

“Come.”

 

He opened the door and as expected the dark, wavy head was bent over the papers on the desk, reading intently.  Daniel stepped in, closed the door behind him, sat down in the chair in front of the desk, took a folded newspaper out from under his arm, and shook it open.  He lounged casually, pretending to read, sure the other man was doing the same.

 

After a few minutes, Cinzano pushed his papers aside and looked at Daniel, who carefully folded the newspaper and tucked it back under his arm.

 

The Major’s speculative gaze didn’t waver.  “Daniel Jackson”.

 

Thick eyebrows arched.  “That’s Dr. Jackson.  This is a formal visit.”

 

Cinzano stood in his close-fitting uniform, walked around to the front of the desk and leaned nonchalantly against it, directly in front of Daniel.  “You disappoint me, Daniel.  I thought maybe you were here because you wanted to get to know me better.  I was attracted to you when we met last night and I got the impression you felt the same way.”

 

Still slightly discomfited by the man’s perfect face and physique, Daniel wished fervently that there was no truth in that, but his voice remained cool.  “You got the wrong impression.  I’m here to explain why you are going to leave Colonel O’Neill alone.”

 

Cinzano was surprised.  “He told you…?”

 

“He told me everything, including how you are attempting to blackmail him.”

 

“Blackmail is such an ugly word.  Think of it as asking a favor from an old friend.”

 

“That is unacceptable.  You are going to call Colonel O’Neill and tell him that you won’t be in contact again.  If you don’t, I will destroy your life.”  The bland tone made the words even more ominous.

 

The muscular man didn’t like being threatened.  He flexed his shoulders and seemed to expand in an attempt at physical intimidation.  Glaring down at Daniel he sneered, “Oh yeah?  You and what army?”

 

How original.  Daniel explained mildly, “No army is necessary.  If physical force were the solution to this, it would be Colonel O’Neill you would need to worry about.  You don’t know him very well if you aren’t aware that he could arrange for you vanish without a trace.”  Daniel shook his head sadly at the other man’s obtuseness.  “But I’m infinitely more dangerous.  I’m the one you should be concerned about.  I’ll ruin your life and make you live with it.”

 

Cinzano looked him over and obviously found no threat.  He parted his powerful thighs and moved his crotch closer to Daniel’s face in an openly provocative gesture.  Then he leered, “I could eat you, Daniel, with a spoon.”

 

Daniel cocked his head and held up one finger.  “Ah!  That’s where you’re wrong.  There are a million ways that I can make your life hell.  Do you know what I’ll use to do it?  Not muscle.  This.”  He tapped his temple.  “I’m not military, that’s true.  I’m better.  I’m a civilian and way smarter than you.  I know how the world works and I can make things happen.  Things that you’ll never see coming.  Things that you’ll be powerless to stop.  Understand?”

 

Tony was angry, and nervous.  “I think you’d find that harder than you expect.  I have contacts.  People who owe me.”

 

Daniel laughed dismissively.  “Oh, I think that my contacts go way higher than yours.  As a small, harmless demonstration, you’ll find that next time you try to use your Citi MasterCard it will be invalid.  Maybe a sudden $20,000 charge would be more convincing.  Or would you enjoy trying to explain how it was all a mistake after the police burst into your office to arrest you for a crime you didn’t commit?  The possibilities are endless.  Think about it.  Won’t you be better off to drop the whole thing?  Especially considering that you can’t say anything about Colonel O’Neill without destroying your own career as well.”

 

Cinzano stood up angrily and stalked to the corner of the room.  “Look where I am, Doctor Jackson.  I’m flying a desk.  At this point there’s nothing I’d like better than to retire with my pension and get a job piloting for a commercial airline.  Nothing I’d like better except to get in on whatever you and O’Neill are involved in.”  His eyes narrowed suspiciously.  “So what is going on over at the Mountain that you’re willing to go to so much trouble to protect?”

 

“This doesn’t have anything to do with our work.  This has to do with Jack.  It was a mistake to threaten him.”

 

“Jack, huh?”  He moved closer to Daniel and leaned forward menacingly.  “So tell me, Daniel, is Jack still as good as he used to be?  Is he giving you something you can’t live without?”

 

Daniel continued calmly, not responding to the Major’s growing aggressiveness.  “Jack is a friend.  That’s something I take very seriously.   No one hurts my friends.  No one.”   Daniel stood and moved to speak directly into Cinzano’s face.  “You’re in way over your head here.  Cut your losses and disappear.  If you don’t the consequences will be grievous.  Goodbye, Tony.”

 

Daniel left the preternaturally good looking man sputtering in indignation and walked out.  By the time he got back to his car he had to sit for a minute gripping the steering wheel because his hands were shaking.  He didn’t know if he was more glad that he could do something like that, or dismayed because he had to.  Not for the first time Daniel wondered who the hell he was becoming.

 

Taking a final calming breath, he started the car and drove back into Colorado Springs.  He hoped that it had been worth it.  He hoped that Cinzano wouldn’t call his bluff.  Daniel swore to himself that if Cinzano did hurt Jack, they would all find out exactly what he was capable of.

 

+++++++++++++

 

Hanging up the phone with a soft click, Jack was stunned.  Then he was angry.  Then he was relieved.  Then he was furious.  He didn’t even bother to save the report he was typing into the computer, but stood up and strode resolutely into the hall. 

 

He stormed into Daniel’s office without knocking and closed the door behind himself.  Daniel looked up and put down his pencil, not surprised in the least at his appearance.

 

“Daniel, what the hell did you do?”

 

“Do I take it you’ve had a phone call?”

 

“Damn right I did.  Tony called to say that he had reconsidered, and wasn’t interested in ‘the action’ after all.  Told me to have a nice life.”

 

“That’s good news.”

 

“Not news to you, is it?  Just before he hung up he said that my Doctor Jackson was impressive as hell, and I’d better hold onto him.  I’ll repeat my question.  What the hell did you do?”

 

Daniel sighed and sat back.  He answered casually, “I intervened to eliminate a threat to you.  No big deal.”

 

“No big deal?  What were you thinking?  Did you confront him?  Have you seen that guy, Daniel?  He could have seriously hurt you!”

 

“As you can see, Jack, he didn’t hurt me.  Often these pumped up pretty boys are all for show.”  Daniel’s face and voice hardened.  “I took care of something for once.  You would have done the same for me.  Are you suggesting that I’m less capable than you are?”

 

Jack floundered, “No, I…”  His wrath deflated.  “I don’t like you taking risks for me.  I worry.  But thanks.”

 

Daniel was slightly appeased.  “You’re welcome.”

 

Jack slouched into a chair.  “So Doctor Jackson.  Did you bust his balls good?”

 

The archaeologist looked at the Colonel suspiciously, unused to having his competence accepted so easily.  Then he smiled evilly.  “I made him afraid.  Very afraid.”

 

“I guess you must have.  Remind me never to get on your bad side.”

 

“Oh, you’ve been there.  But I was holding back in order to give you a fair chance.”

 

Jack’s eyes glowed with affection as he inspected his teammate.  “Thank you.  You know how important this was, how much I could have lost.”

 

Daniel met Jack’s eyes.  “It would have been a loss for me, too.”

 

His stomach clenching from the impact of the intense concern he saw in Daniel, Jack suddenly felt an urgent need to leave the room.  He stood and bolted for the door, pausing to toss back flippantly, “Any time, any place, Doctor Jackson.  You and me, one on one, I’ll take you down.”

 

As he left Jack caught Daniel’s answering smile, and hoped that he would never have to put it to the test.  He wasn’t entirely sure who would come out on top.

 

+++++++++++++

 

They were on another routine recon of an uninhabited planet and so far it had been entirely uneventful.  Since they hadn’t found any interesting minerals or stellar phenomena, even Carter was bored.  They would be going home in the morning.

 

Jack crawled into the tent he shared with Daniel when Teal’c took over watch from him, and stretched out on top of his sleeping bag.  Daniel didn’t wake up from the movement; they were both used to nocturnal comings and goings.  Hundreds of nights they had done this same thing and still Jack was aware of the peace that came over him when Daniel was safe and asleep beside him.  He felt like everything was right with the universe, the luckiest man alive that this particular person trusted him and felt comfortable with him. 

 

Jack turned on his side with his back to his tent mate.  He wished that he felt more comfortable.  Most of the time he could use his training in mental discipline to make it no big deal, but sometimes he couldn’t avoid being aware of the warm body so close to his.  This was one of those times.  The few inches separating them had the blood flowing hot in his veins.  Tomorrow they would be back to normal, but right then, in the middle of the night, he was burning.

 

Daniel mumbled something in his sleep and rolled onto his side.  One arm flung out and a hand landed squarely on Jack’s hip. The weight of the hand scorched through his clothes and into his hip bone and Jack had to fight to not shift into it, not to roll slightly back so that the hand would brush the hard length pressed against his lower belly. 

 

Jack took deep breaths and suffered.  He could feel the presence of Daniel’s chest just centimeters from his back and misery slid into anger.  Why did Daniel have to get touchy right then?  Why couldn’t he stay the hell on his own side of the tent?  It wasn’t like it meant anything.  It wasn’t like he meant anything to Daniel.

 

Daniel’s fingers tightened, digging into Jack’s flesh.  Jack’s breath caught in his lungs, and he thought that he was going to come from the sheer power of his longing.  Then Daniel’s fingers released him, and the younger man rolled over onto his back once again.  Jack slipped his hand down to press its heel against the base of his painful erection, willing it to subside.  After a while the urgency abated, but not the misery.  He lay awake lecturing himself on the facts of life for over an hour, then fell into a restless sleep.

 

~~

 

He was walking along a country road that he recognized, the rocks crunching under his feet.  Up ahead was a figure.  As he approached, he saw that it was fair-haired Maura Kelly, as she was their Junior year in high school.  He had been hopelessly in love with her; so pretty, so out of his league.  She was going out with Gary Green, the captain of the football team, and Jack had only been a tackle.  Maura had said a total of about five words to him that year.

 

Now she stood in the road in her Mankato High cheerleader’s uniform.  She stretched her arms into the air to form a sensuous V, displaying her body in the process.  The pom poms in her hands rattled like tin cans full of nails.

 

Keeping her arms elevated, she looked at Jack.  “Jack,” she said, “you always do this.  You don’t believe.  You don’t trust.  If you did, everything could be different.  But you’re afraid.”

 

Jack didn’t understand.  “I’m not afraid of anything.”

 

Then Daniel stepped up beside her.  He didn’t look at her; in fact he seemed not to be aware that she was there.

 

“Hi Jack.  I know you’re not afraid.  Not very often anyway.  Not like I am.  But you don’t recognize the things that I’m afraid of.”

 

Maura put her hands on his shoulders and climbed up onto his back, and he kept talking as though he didn’t notice.  “There are worse things than bats and tornadoes and falling trees.”

 

The girl pulled herself up to stand on his shoulders and resumed her V pose. 

 

“There are things that burrow down inside you, that find those places you can’t protect.  That’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

Maura lowered herself to sit on Daniel’s shoulders, her calves gripping his chest.  He continued, “But I know you can help me with that.  You could, if you would.”

 

She leaned backward so that she hung down Daniel’s back, arms held out to the sides.

 

Jack said, “I can’t help you, I never could.”

 

As Daniel took one step forward, Maura dropped the pom poms so that they clattered against the dirt road.

 

“You can, Jack.”  Daniel held out his hand, offering it.  “I know who you are.  I am you.”

 

Jack felt himself sinking, being drawn into the earth, and the only thing his eyes could see was that hand.

 

~~

 

Jack started awake, Daniel’s hand on his shoulder.  The other one held out a steaming cup of coffee.

 

“Come on, sleepy head.  The rest of us are anxious to get the heck out of here, even if you aren’t.”

 

The dream image began to fade and Jack reached out to take the cup.  “Thanks.  I’m ready to blow this pop-stand, too.”

 

Daniel patted him on the shoulder and backed out of the tent.  Jack watched him go and sipped his coffee.  He felt uneasy.  Was there something he was supposed to do?  The sun was shining and beyond the sound of the others packing up the camp there was bird-song.  Jack downed the rest of the hot brew, and scrambled out to get on with his day.

 

+++++++++++++

 

Daniel had noticed a shift in his relationship with Jack, or maybe he was just seeing things with different eyes.  He thought it had to do with the revelations of the night Tony Cinzano had visited Jack.  Daniel had become aware of Jack as a man who had sex with other men.  It was a side of Jack that he’d never seen before and it made him slightly nervous. 

 

That fact bothered Daniel.  He was an anthropologist, for heaven’s sake.  He had no problem with homosexuality, it was just that he himself wasn’t interested in it.  Too many bad memories.  Why, then, was he now so aware of how tactile his friend was, how intimately they shared physical space?  He couldn’t believe that something so petty as homophobia would make him uneasy with Jack of all people.  There was nothing Jack could ever do or say that would change the way Daniel felt about him, not in the long term, anyway.  That made the charged silences in the elevator, the awkward spark when they accidentally touched, all the more annoying.

 

Daniel couldn’t entirely forget the suspicion that Jack might actually have feelings for him that went beyond friendship.  Daniel had found himself watching Jack for signs.  Sometimes he found them;  Jack would gaze at him with brown eyes so soft they took his breath away.  But then sometimes it was just the opposite; Jack would look right through him as though he wasn’t even there.  He cautioned himself not to jump to any conclusions.

 

Although it was very much on his mind, Daniel decided to let it go.  Most likely it was just a phase.  They had certainly been through many different kinds of rough patches before, there was no reason that this one wouldn’t pass as suddenly as the others had.  He would just have to have faith in their friendship.  It was practically the only constant in his life.

 

 

+++++++++++++

 

Planet XTE-IP4 looked promising.  There were no people around, but the area was obviously inhabited.  There were well-worn paved pathways linking heavy stone buildings in a large semi-circle around the Stargate.  One of the buildings had an ornate façade, so of course that was where Daniel wanted to start.

 

From the front entrance a long hallway extended straight to the back of the building, with dark passageways and rooms off each side.  From the door they could see a candle glowing on what looked like an altar, the light from which was reflected off the golden walls.

 

Daniel tried to hide his excitement, but the others smiled as he stated the obvious.  “It looks like some kind of temple or shrine, apparently still in use.  I think we should take a look.”

 

“Right, Carter and I will check out these side rooms.  Teal’c you stay with Daniel.” 

 

The archaeologist gawked at him in surprise.  Jack waved a hand at him. “Go on!  Just be careful.  Teal’c…”

 

“Understood, O’Neill.  DanielJackson, you will follow me.”

 

The large Jaffa and his shadow moved carefully down the hall, while the Air Force officers flashed their lights into the empty stone enclosures and passages around them. 

 

Daniel and Teal’c entered an antechamber, at the back of which was one step up to the shrine.  Teal’c inspected the area and motioned for Daniel to proceed.  The candle made the walls glitter, but didn’t give enough illumination to read the inscriptions decorating it, so Daniel ran his flashlight back and forth around the recess to get an overview before beginning a more detailed inspection.

 

“That’s odd.”

 

“What is?”  Teal’c moved into the shrine behind him. 

 

“This is fairly incongruous.  The writing is derivative of the Goa’uld script, and appears to be a shrine dedicated to the worship of Ra, but it’s very poorly done.  The workmanship is haphazard; there are a number of grammatical errors that I have already noted with just a brief glance.  And yet the engraving is inlaid with gold, as though it were an important place of worship.   It’s almost as if this were a shiny imitation of the real thing.”  He turned his head to call over his shoulder, “Jack!”

 

The team leader nodded to his companion, and they moved toward the end of the hall.

 

Daniel returned to his inspection of the golden surface.  “And you see, Teal’c, there are embellishments which are in entirely another style.”  He reached toward circular decoration with a large ruby placed in its center.

 

“DanielJackson, do not touch that.”

 

It was too late.  As Jack and Sam stepped into the antechamber, Daniel’s hand came into contact with the brilliant red stone.  At that moment a bright force field sprang up across the entrance to the shrine.  Teal’c’s staff weapon leapt out of his hand and flew to impact on the shimmering field, followed by his hand gun, zat, and Daniel’s Berretta, which tore themselves free from their clothing as though drawn by a powerful magnet. 

 

On the other side of the barrier, Jack’s P-90 flew out of his hands, joined by his and Sam’s other guns as well.  Unfortunately,  the strap of Samantha’s P-90 was still resting securely around her back, and she was pulled as easily as a rag doll along with the weapon.  The automatic rifle and the woman impacted the force field at the same moment, giving rise to a spray of sparks.  Stuck in place, Sam cried out and grimaced as her body was wracked with convulsions.

 

Daniel shouted, “Sam!” and jumped forward only to be restrained by Teal’c’s strong arm before he could come into contact with the barrier himself.  Jack was already moving, pulling his knife, which hadn’t been affected, free of the sheath on his leg.  With one stroke he cut through the weapon strap and caught Sam as she fell free.

 

As O’Neill cradled the unconscious woman in his arms, he called out, “What the hell is this?”

 

Daniel, still held firmly, called back, “It’s a shiny trinket to catch the attention of intruders. God, Jack!  It’s a trap and I walked right into it!  You have to get out of here; someone may be coming now that we set it off.”

 

Jack lay Sam down on the ground and stood to inspect the outside of the force field and the walls of the antechamber.  “There must be a way to turn it off!”

 

“There’s no time, Jack!  You have to get Sam out of here.  Get help.  Come back for us.  Just don’t get caught too!”

 

“I’m not leaving you here!”

 

“O’Neill!  DanielJackson is correct. You must conceal yourselves now or be captured as well!  O’Neill!”

 

Jack stared at them in frustration, then glanced at the woman on the floor.  Turning back he shouted to them, "I’ll get you out!”

 

“Counting on it, Jack.  Go!”

 

He scooped Carter up and headed back down the hallway.  As a dark shape moved across the entrance, he ducked into a side passage and then into a small, dark chamber.  Using his flashlight he quickly inspected to room and found a ledge built into the wall over the door.  Jack heaved his team mate up onto the ledge, then pulled himself up behind her.  As he shifted her body into a crevice at the back of the shelf, he could hear that several people were now in the building.  He heard them shout something, and Daniel’s voice answer.  After a moment the hum of the force field subsided and then there was a brief silence.  He cringed as he heard a scuffle, fists impacting on flesh, and the moans of his friends. 

 

There was a lot of activity and it seemed to be coming closer to their hiding place.  He used his body to press Sam into the back of the crevice, hoping that his dark uniform would blend into the shadows.  A bright light filled the room and Jack prepared himself for battle, but to his relief the searchers left without spotting them.  He remained motionless where he was for over half an hour, listening to the movement of the enemy forces around him.  As Carter started to stir, he placed his hand over her mouth, and she stilled instantly.  Eventually he heard the last of their adversaries leave and could sense that they were once again alone in the building. 

 

Jack eased himself off the ledge, then steadied Carter as she crawled down after him.   He whispered, “Stay close,” then moved into the passageway.  When they entered the main hall, there was enough light to see by, and he checked his companion over carefully. 

 

She looked shaky, but also determined not to give an inch.  She whispered, “I’m all right,” and he nodded.  She would have to be.

 

Leery of leaving through the main entrance, they carefully explored the building until they found a gap in a wall that led to the outside.  Crouching in some bushes, Jack decided, “We’ll try to make it to the gate.  Get help.”  Sam nodded and they began a cautious and circuitous creep toward their goal.

 

When they were close enough, they peeked at the Stargate, then sank down behind a tree.  There were several heavily armed guards stationed in front of their only means of escape, looking like they were prepared to stay for a while.

 

Jack scrubbed his hand through his hair and said sourly, “Okay, this calls for a plan B.”

 

+++++++++++++

 

 

The members of SG1 still at liberty huddled together around a corner just off the passageway leading to the holding cell.  O’Neill spared a glance at his 2IC.  Her face was drawn, yet determined, her body taut with adrenaline and tension.  He caught and held her gaze, his eyes looking deeply into hers. He knew that he could count on her; there was no one he would trust more to back him up on this.  Still, some acknowledgement was in order.

 

He asked seriously, “You ready for this?”

 

Carter’s lips tightened and her eyes flashed steel.  As she opened her mouth to answer a sound came from down the hall that froze the blood in their veins.  A sound that they would hope never to hear coming from a friend’s throat. 

 

She continued uncompromisingly, “Let’s go get our guys, sir.”

 

He held her eyes a moment longer, then nodded.

 

Carter placed her hands behind her on her hips, as though stuck into the back pockets of her fatigue pants, with the handle of the knife hidden beneath her palm.  Then she slipped around the corner and walked casually down the hall toward the guards.

 

As she approached, the two sentries brought their staff weapons to bear, but she continued on a little past them.

 

Turning to them nonchalantly, she asked, “Excuse me, I’m new here.  Do you fellows know where a girl could find a bathroom?”

 

The pair stared at her in surprise and one of them took a snarling step forward.  It was the last step he ever took, ending when he realized that there was a knife embedded to the hilt in his heart.  As he sank to the ground he was unaware of the gray-haired man who had slipped up behind his comrade and drawn another blade across his throat.  Sam had to place her foot on the first guard’s chest in order to pull her knife free from its fixed position.  Her face was pale, but resolute, and they stepped over the spreading pool of blood to the closed door.

 

O’Neill quickly glanced through the small window, gauging the position of each enemy within the cell, as well as that of his teammates.  Squatting behind the door, he communicated his observations to Carter with a series of crisp hand signals.  Then he leaned forward and whispered, “It’s too close quarters to use the staff weapons, we continue with hand to hand.”

 

The woman nodded solemnly and he gave his final silent instructions.  Then they stood and took their positions.

 

 

++++++++++++++

 

 

Daniel had given up trying not to scream.  He had decided that the attempt at control was putting him under too much unnecessary pressure.  Especially when the strongest physical specimen he had ever met was yelling his head off right next to him. 

 

Their captors were displeased with the restrained members of SG-1.  They weren’t the least bit impressed by peaceful explorers from other planets, and were taking very personally Daniel’s and Teal’c’s insistence that there was no one else with them.  True, the P-90’s and hand guns stuck on the outer wall of the force field were rather compromising, but they could at least sit down and talk it through like gentlemen.  But no, they had Goa’uld pain sticks, and seemed excessively glad to have the opportunity to use them. 

 

Daniel’s legs had given out some time ago, and he was hanging from numb hands that were tied by a rope to the ceiling.  Both he and Teal’c were stripped to the waist; the better to torture them, no doubt. 

 

The disagreeable individuals who were in charge of their entertainment were doing very well on the torture front.  Daniel’s throat was raw, but that was nothing compared to the fried nerve endings throughout his body and the severely pummeled sensation radiating from the spot just above his navel that they had targeted for special attention. 

 

Still, in Daniel’s fogged mind he couldn’t help but consider himself lucky.  These sons of female dogs were human, but they obviously knew what a Jaffa was, and exactly how to hurt one the most – by hurting the symbiote.  The application of the evil weapon had been split evenly between Teal’c in general, and Teal’c’s pouch.  Daniel thought his friend looked bad, really bad, but he had to hand it to the big guy, he still had enough energy to let out a good scream when the situation warranted.  He was beginning to wonder, though, how much longer either of them was going to be able to take it. 

 

Then he began to think that perhaps he was hallucinating, out of wishful thinking, because he swore that the door to the cell had opened and that Jack and Sam were standing inside the entrance.  True, they both were spattered with blood, especially their hands, but other than that it certainly did look like them. 

 

The attention of all five of their tormentors was at that moment directed toward Teal’c, where one of them was busy screaming into the Jaffa’s face after an enthusiastic pain-stick deployment.  They didn’t seem to notice any intruders, so maybe they weren’t there after all.

 

Daniel continued to doubt his rationality because, although he could see these familiar apparitions move, he didn’t hear a sound.  Not even when Jack hooked his arm around the neck of one of the hindmost guards and snapped it with an efficient jerking motion.  Nor was there any particular noise when sweet, gentle, lovely Samantha shoved a blade into the base of another man’s skull with all her might.

 

Jack helped lower Sam’s victim to the floor, then moved in on the next one, the one standing in front of Daniel, pain-stick hanging loosely by his side.  It was so clear that it almost seemed to be happening in slow motion.  He saw Jack’s hand swing around in front of the guard and pull a blade back into the man’s neck.  Suddenly it was all too real, because that Daniel could hear.  He could hear the crunching of the cartilage and the gurgling of the body trying to suck in breath.  He could feel the warmth of the blood as it spattered his face and chest.  As the man died, Daniel was staring into the cold, unrecognizable depths of Jack’s eyes.

 

The remaining two guards had finally noticed the presence of the enemy in their midst, and turned to engage their attackers.  Daniel watched passively as Jack quickly overpowered his man and knocked him to the floor.  The former special ops officer dropped on top of him and ended his life with another quick, and this time loud, crack of the neck.

 

Sam was having more trouble with her opponent, who was nearly as big as Teal’c, but she held her own.  She had the man doubled over in pain when Jack stepped over to aid her with one more swift thrust of his knife.

 

There was a brief silence in the room, except for the sound of Sam’s ragged breathing.  Then Jack jumped into motion and used his bloody blade to cut the rope binding Teal’c to the ceiling, as Sam crouched in the doorway watching the hall.  Jack lowered the large man to the ground as gently as he could, and squeezed his shoulder.  He then stood to reach for Daniel’s hands, and Daniel couldn’t help but flinch as this strange, severe soldier lifted the knife again.  Jack stopped and looked into Daniel’s face, and after a moment the stranger disappeared and the human being was back.  Jack cut the rope and grabbed Daniel around the waist to support his descent to the floor, then pulled him to his chest.  Leaning into Jack’s arms, Daniel felt his friend press his cheek against Daniel’s temple and instinctively tighten his hold. 

 

The moment passed and Jack released Daniel, quickly cutting the bindings around his hands.  Their leader was back to all business.  He said sharply, “Teal’c, Daniel, I need you both to walk out of here.  Carter and I need to be free for recon and defense.  If we get you standing, can you lean on each other and help each other along?”

 

Teal’c, looking ashen but still stronger than he had any right to be, answered, “I will help DanielJackson to reach the Stargate.”

 

Jack nodded, “I know you can do it.”  His gaze shifted.  “Daniel?”

 

Daniel didn’t speak, couldn’t speak, but he nodded his head.

 

Jack hoisted Teal’c to his feet first, and the wounded warrior swayed disconcertingly for a moment before regaining his balance. With some difficulty Daniel joined him and they slid their arms around each other’s waists and leaned together heavily.  With a hand on each of their shoulders, Jack guided their first tentative steps past the obstacles presented by the dead bodies, and they joined Sam at the door, where she was holding two staff weapons.

 

The woman didn’t look at either of her rescued teammates, but reported tersely to her commander that the passageway was clear, and handed him a staff.

 

“All right people, move out.  I’m on point, Carter you’re on six.”

 

Daniel wasn’t able to remember anything about the trip back to the gate except the weight and heat of Teal’c’s body pressing into his, the occasional gasps as Teal’c struggled for breath, and some instance of weapons fire.  At the DHD he automatically dialed their home address and the event horizon put on its usual show. 

 

Then they went home.

 

++++++++++++++

 

Jack had gotten his team back and he thought that should be enough.  They should all recover, put it behind them and get on with life.  That’s what you do, that’s what they always did.  But it didn’t seem to be happening this time.

 

The first night they were back Jack was the only one not confined to the infirmary.  Teal’c was actually laid out, sound asleep, receiving medical assistance in the form of an IV drip to replace fluids and nutrients.  They couldn’t do any more for him than hover and monitor the baby Goa’uld’s fight for survival. 

 

Doctor Fraiser had insisted that Major Carter remain under her care for the night to run some tests and make sure that there was no lasting effect from the shock the force field had given her.  Carter said she was fine, but she didn’t look fine.  She was curled into a fetal position with her face to the wall pretending to sleep.  She stayed that way until the doctor released her and then she hid out in her lab.

 

And Daniel.  He didn’t even pretend to sleep. He sat propped up in his bed accepting all the ministrations  urged on him without comment, staring into space.  In fact, he hadn’t spoken a word since the rescue, responding to Janet’s questions by nodding yes or no. 

 

They were a mess, but it was just as well that Jack was ordered to go get some sleep because none of them seemed to want his presence by their sides. 

 

The next day Jack when reported to General Hammond’s office to give the official mission debriefing he was surprised to find Doctor Fraiser sitting neatly in a chair with notebook in hand.  She clarified, “I have three patients as a result of your last little excursion through the Stargate.  The better I understand what happened, the better I will be able to treat them.”

 

So Jack explained the whole disastrous, horrifying incident in enough detail to satisfy both his listeners.  When he finished, General Hammond asked the doctor if it had been of help. 

 

She nodded thoughtfully and replied, “Yes, sir, I believe so.  Our concerns for Teal’c at this point are entirely physical, and there is very little we can do to assist him.  Happily, he has improved over night, and Junior…er, the symbiote, seems to be stabilizing. 

 

“Your report, Colonel, has helped me to understand Major Carter’s unusual behavior.  She seems to have recovered completely from the encounter with the force field, but the mission has left its mark on her nonetheless.  My guess is that she needs to come to terms with being forced to kill those men in the way that she did.  While Major Carter is a seasoned officer, to my knowledge, unlike the Colonel, she doesn’t have all that much experience with personally inflicting lethal damage.”

 

O’Neill interrupted.  “Major Carter preformed to the highest standards throughout this mission.  She always does.”

 

“I’m sure that’s so, Colonel.  All I’m saying is that it’s difficult to learn to kill other human beings with your own hands without being affected by it, if it is possible at all.”

 

He nodded in acceptance of that.  He and Sam had even talked about it once, and he’d known that it would be hard for her.  He wished that there had been another way to free Daniel and Teal’c.

 

The doctor continued, “I expect that with the support of her team mates and friends, Major Carter will be fine.”

 

Jack affirmed, “I’ll keep an eye out.”

 

“I’m sure that will help.  Now, on to Daniel.  Doctor Jackson withstood repeated exposure to the Goa’uld pain infliction device, the effects of which are similar to electrocution.  He also has some deep bruising to the abdomen that will leave him stiff and sore for some time.  He is responding well to treatment and physically should be recovered within a few days. 

 

“Having said that, I continue to be concerned about him.  When he was brought in he was highly unresponsive, which at the time I attributed to shock.  The dissociative state has persisted, however, and it is still impossible to elicit more than one or two word responses from him or to focus his attention for more than brief periods of time.”

 

Fraiser sighed and leaned forward, continuing in a less formal manner.  “This is beyond my area of expertise, but I wonder if it isn’t something cumulative.  Daniel has been through a lot lately, and weathered it all stoically.  Being the object, again, of torture, and then witnessing first hand the sudden deaths of five people, even though they were the torturers, might finally have been too much.” 

 

Jack remembered the look on Daniel’s face back in the cell when Jack had approached him with the knife, like he was disgusted and afraid.  The two of them had been through more ugly stuff than he could begin to recount, but Daniel had never had to watch Jack use those particular skills in quite that way.  Suddenly Jack felt guilty and ashamed.  It isn’t a thing to be proud of, being an expert killer.

 

She leaned back again.  “I’m just guessing.  I’d like Doctor Jackson to be assessed by a psychologist if he doesn’t improve soon.”

 

Jack wasn’t going to let that pass.  “Oh come on.  You know how he feels about that kind of thing.  Give the guy a break.”

 

Doctor Fraiser’s compassionate brown eyes met his.  “Colonel, I am only concerned about Daniel’s welfare.  I’m open to whatever we, including Daniel, feel to be in his best interests.”

 

General Hammond had the final word.  “I’d like to talk to Doctor Jackson myself and we’ll see where we go from there.”

 

So Jack had hovered in the doorway as the General approached their leading civilian consultant, listening from where Daniel couldn’t see him.  The base commander’s expressions of concern and regard were met by more monosyllabic responses.  Frustrated, the General had mentioned the possibility of seeing a counselor.

 

That had generated a more vocal reaction.  “What?  No.  I don’t need that.  General, all I need is to be left alone for a while.  I’d like to request some time off, a few days.  I just need some space.  I need to be away from here for a while, away from everyone.”  He sounded bitter and miserable, and Jack hurt for him.

 

“Well, Doctor Jackson, I think that sounds like a reasonable request.  A little down time after what you’ve been through is just what Doctor Fraiser recommended, but frankly, son, we expected you to refuse.  You take a few days, and we’ll talk when you get back.”

 

“Thank you, sir.”

 

Before they let Daniel go, Jack worked up the nerve to see him.  His lanky frame stepped into the infirmary room with shoulders hunched, hands shoved into his pockets.

 

“Hey.”

 

The answering, ‘Hey,’ was obligatory.

 

“So I hear you’re taking some time off.  Got big plans?  Gonna catch some rays in Hawaii?”

 

Head shake no.

 

“No?  Gonna hang around the house and watch the goldfish?”

 

Nod yes.

 

“Well, you know, I’m gonna be at loose ends for a while myself.  If it occurs to you to do something fun, go out and tear up the town or whatever, give me a call.”

 

“I’ll do that.”

 

Daniel could never lie effectively to Jack.  It was clear he had no intention of calling, and in fact couldn’t wait to be out of his presence.

 

His throat tight, Jack backpedaled.  “Okay.  Then.  I’ll just, uh, go do stuff. See ya ‘round.”

 

“Right.”

 

So Daniel had taken a few days.  Then he’d taken a few more days.  He hadn’t spoken with Jack or Sam or Teal’c, who was finally in the clear.  Jack couldn’t stand it.  That kid was going to have to get over himself, one way or the other.

 

 

++++++++++++++

 

When Jack walked into Daniel’s apartment, the speech he had prepared began to break down.  Daniel had obviously been brooding.  There was no casually discarded book, no humming laptop; nothing but a pale man with his arms wrapped around himself.  Jack couldn’t bring himself to provoke or lecture, he was suddenly too worried.

 

Jack found himself asking straight out, “So what is it?  Are you freaked out?  Are you angry?  Should I apologize?”

 

“What?  No, of course not.”  Daniel let his hands fall, but they soon found their way back to clutch at his biceps again.  “I was afraid that you would think I was mad at you.  That I blamed you for something.  I admit, what happened was…intense.  And ugly.  But I won’t cry for those men you killed, you and Sam.  They were torturing Teal’c, and me of course.  You saved Teal’c’s life.  And mine.  How…how could I be angry for that?  You did what you had to do, and you did it well.  I should thank you.”

 

In his relief Jack blurted, “Thank god.  I mean, I’m glad you don’t hate me.”

 

“Good lord, Jack, how could I hate you?  I’m not upset with you; it’s me.  I’m upset with myself.  With my own reaction to what happened.  I was glad you killed them.  I thought, ‘It’s about time.’”

 

Jack took a couple of steps forward.  “If that’s true, then go talk to Carter.  Please.  She’s upset too, and she can’t talk to me about it.  But she’ll talk to you.  She needs you, Daniel.”

 

Daniel’s face slowly fell.  “I hope not.”  He dropped stiffly onto a sofa and clasped his hands in his lap.  He confessed, almost too softly to hear, “I’m thinking about leaving.”

 

Jack’s stomach knotted.  “What?”

 

A little louder, “I’m thinking about leaving the SGC.  I haven’t made a decision yet, but I’m thinking about it.  It’s just, I don’t know who I am anymore.  I don’t recognize myself or my life.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Maybe I should quit, get away, ‘til I can face myself again, ‘til I can stand myself.”

 

Jack sank into the other sofa.  He stared at nothing for a moment, then nodded his head.

 

Daniel prodded, “Aren’t you going to try to talk me out of it?”

 

The older man answered blandly, “No.  Go, Daniel.  You should.  Have a normal life.  Live.  Be happy.  It’s nuts what we do.  You’d be better off out of it; where no one’s hurting you, trying to kill you.  You should be somewhere safe.  It’s better.”  Daniel stared at him in amazement.  “You know what?  I’ll quit too.  I’ve been dreaming about the cabin by the lake.  I could spend the next ten years there, just me and the fish.”

 

Jack shook his head.  “Not long ago I was worried about loosing my job because of that thing with Tony, but that was just pointless.  This…this makes sense.  Sure, there’s the whole saving the world thing to consider, but if you go…I won’t be able to keep on with it.  We started this together.  It’s been you and me the whole time, except for the year you were on Abydos and I was retired.  If it’s going to end, it’ll end for both of us at the same time.  I just couldn’t face trying to do this without you.” 

 

As he listened to Jack, Daniel felt an unexpected emptiness growing inside him.  He stood up and walked to the sliding glass doors of the balcony and stared unseeing at the glow of the city below him.  Why did hearing this from Jack hurt so much?  Why did the future suddenly seem like a bottomless black hole?  Meaningless, hollow.  He saw himself alone in the world, Jack alone at his cabin, and it was wrong.  It was worse than any of the scenarios he had been rehearsing in his seclusion.  His forehead crumpled in sorrow.

 

Later Daniel would identify this moment as his turning point.  It was the moment he acknowledged a deeper truth; beyond jobs, beyond any other consideration.  There were two options before him, neither of them ideal, but one of them held the crucial factor.  One of them included the only thing that still gave his life meaning.  The serenity of recognition and acceptance descended over him, and he made a decision to commit himself to a new path, and damn the consequences.  There was really nothing to lose.

 

Daniel returned to his seat and stared intently at Jack, who seemed lost in his own sad thoughts. 

 

“Jack, no.  That’s not what’s going to happen.  Neither of us is quitting.”  Jack looked at him, startled, and Daniel picked Jack’s hand up off his thigh and held it between his own hands.  He absently rubbed the palm and traced the outlines of the fingers as he spoke.  “You say you won’t go on without me, well I know that I can’t go on without you, either.  Not in the SGC or out of it.  It’s too late for us to pretend that we can be apart.  We’re connected, in a way that I can’t begin to understand or explain, but it’s real.  I need you, Jack.  I need you in a way that I’ve never needed anyone before in my life.  You’re like oxygen.  You’ve always been there and I’ve taken you for granted but now that I might lose you I know I can’t live without you.  I can’t breathe without you.  My heart won’t beat without you.  I think it may be sort of the same for you.”

 

Jack’s eyes had been widening as he listened to Daniel’s declaration, which took a jackhammer to the wall of resignation he had so carefully built and maintained.  He jumped to his feet, shaken to the core.  Flushed, he nearly shouted, “Stop it!  Don’t say that.  Don’t you say that,”  and started backing toward the door.  “I’m leaving.  We can’t have this conversation.”

 

Daniel stood and challenged him, “Why not? It’s true and you know it.  You…” He sputtered and lost his words for a moment. “You know it!  Are you going to deny what I say?”

 

Jack stopped, the blood draining from his head and his ears beginning to ring.  “Don’t do this to me, Daniel!  You have no idea how much it hurts.  Don’t say things that can’t ever happen.  It can’t happen!”

 

“I’ve got news for you, Jack.  It already happened.  A long time ago, I think.  Nothing can change that."

 

Jack backed up another step.  “No.  No.”  He tried to swallow the unaccustomed panic.  He didn’t know how to deal with this.  He didn’t know what to do, what was the right thing to do.  “I… I promised the General.”

 

Daniel’s eyebrows jumped in confusion.  “What?  He knows about this?”

 

“He saw it in me.  I told Hammond that I wouldn’t behave inappropriately with you.  Not in so many words, but a promise was made.  I took an oath, Daniel, that regulates the kind of relationships I can have with people I work with.  I serve an organization with rules that determine what I can feel for whom.  I don’t have a choice.  We can’t… talk about… being close.”

 

Chaotic emotion rose up in Daniel’s chest and out through his voice.  He advanced on Jack, causing the other man to back up helplessly until his back hit a wall. 

 

“The hell we can’t!  I’ve got news for you, Colonel Jack O’Neill.  We don’t really need to talk about being close, because we already are.  Fait acompli.”  He gentled without warning, and placed one hand lightly on Jack’s chest, over his heart. 

 

“Jack, there’s a flaw in your reasoning.  You may be an Air Force officer, but I’m not.  I didn’t vow to stop living when I came to work for the SGC.  And whatever you swore, you can’t make that decision for me.  No one can stop me from…talking about… being close.”  He moved nearer, so close hat his breath brushed Jack’s cheek, heat growing between his hand and Jack’s core. 

 

He almost whispered, “In order to serve the Air Force, did you agree to stop living?  Do you have to cease to be the unique, vital individual that you are?  Did you agree to not love?”  His thumb began to stroke Jack’s chest lightly.  “Because that’s what we’re talking about here.  Love.  I love you, Jack. And I know that you love me, too.  I know you do.”

 

O’Neill’s face contorted with effort, as he felt himself being torn in two.  He gasped, “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

 

Daniel responded softly, “No, I probably don’t.  But I know that I can’t live without you.  I know that we’re so attuned that I almost always know where you are, how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. I know that when we’re apart I continually imagine that you’re there, and that I’m sharing whatever the experience is with you.”  He laughed quietly.  “I think, ‘Oh, I need to tell Jack that,’ even when I know it will bore you senseless.  It’s like I’m diminished without you.  I don’t know how it happened; we’re so different.  I don’t know exactly what I’m saying that I want.  That I want to be your… I don’t know.  But together.  Whatever it is, it will be together.”

 

Jack shook his head in distress.  “We can’t.  We can’t…”

 

“Yes we can.  I’m not saying it will be easy.  We’ll have to be careful.  We won’t give General Hammond or anyone else reason to question our behavior.  It’ll be difficult, especially for you, but you won’t be alone.  Never again.  Whatever happens from now on, we’ll face it together.”  His final word was an entreaty.  “Please.”

 

The pressure of Daniel’s hand on his chest, stroking, and the words, offering him more than he had ever dared hope for, intensified the emotion unnerving Jack.  When Daniel let his hand drop and leaned forward to press their sternums together, resting his cheek on Jack’s shoulder, before he knew it his arms were around Daniel, holding the warm, strong flesh close.  Profound need, love, permeated his entire body.

 

This was Jack’s moment of truth.  It was true that he owed his loyalty to the institution that had been his life for over twenty years.  However much he resisted admitting it, though, it was also true that he had another loyalty as well.  To Daniel, his friend.  Until this moment Daniel had never asked anything of him, so he had never had to choose.  But now, how could he deny Daniel what was in fact his due?  How could he reject this exceptional being, disavow him, lie to him?  Was his loyalty to the Air Force greater than this?  No, it wasn’t.  And could he himself live without this commitment Daniel was offering?  He didn’t think he could.  The big question, could he believe, trust, that things could be different?  He would just have to try.

 

Allowing his weight to rest against Jack’s chest, Daniel murmured, “I’m sorry.  I know how hard this is for you.  I have no right to push you.  I just don’t see any other way.”

 

“Yes.  I mean, no.  It’s all right, Daniel, I won’t leave you.  Never. What you said.  Together, no matter what.  That’s how it is.”

 

“Do you mean it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

They relaxed for a moment in drained exhaustion, then Jack pried Daniel away from him.  Without releasing his arms, he led his companion over to the sofa and they sat facing each other. 

 

“What about you, Daniel?  What about the SGC and what you said about losing yourself?  If this life is hurting you, you should quit.  I’ll retire and we’ll go somewhere together.  You need to be all right.”

 

Daniel shook his head and thought for a minute.  “No.  We should stay.  For one thing, there is that whole saving the world thing to consider.  It won’t do us much good to go off happily on our own if Goa’uld mother ships arrive to wipe out the planet.  We have a chance to make a difference, at least to try our best.  We should do it.

 

“And besides that, in a way it’s already too late.  I’ve changed, and for better or worse, there’s no going back.”  He smiled wryly.  “To paraphrase the bumper sticker, change happens.  Maybe I would never have dreamed of becoming the person I am.  I’ve made choices that have led me here, but honestly, there are very few of them I would change if I could.  It’s a trade off.  I have you and Sam and Teal’c.  I have the opportunity to study and interact with more cultures than I can possibly assimilate.  Most people would kill for my job.  In return, I have been forced to do things, learn things about myself, that I would rather not.  I can live with that.”  He looked at Jack intently again.  “But only if you’re with me.  I can accept it if you’re there to share it.”

 

Jack brushed the tip of one finger along the other man’s cheek.  Daniel was looking at him with eyes wide and blue behind the lenses, his lips parted expectantly.  Jack thought that he’d never seen anyone in more vivid detail than at that moment.  Daniel was exquisitely real, human, vulnerable, courageous.  And no, he still didn’t think that Daniel knew what he was getting into.

 

“So, Daniel.  Would you go out with me tomorrow night?”

 

Daniel blinked adorably in confusion.  “What?”

 

“I’m asking you out on a date.  I realize it’s been a while, but that is the standard form of invitation.”

 

“But…You mean you’re not going to, you know, take me to bed now?”

 

No one could be more surprised than Jack to find that that was the farthest thing from his mind.  He wanted so much more of Daniel than his body.

 

“One step at a time.  Yes, I’ve thought about being close to you that way, but that doesn’t mean it’s inevitable.  Listen,  I don’t want you to do anything because I want it.  We’ll go to go back to work and see how that goes.  We’ll spend time together and see how that goes.  The only thing written in stone is that I’m here for you and you’re here for me.  We both have stuff to work through and we’ll let it play out however it needs to happen.  Does that sound like a plan to you?”

 

The tension he had been holding, some of it for years,  seemed to drain from Daniel.  It sounded like a very, very good plan.  He knew he could trust Jack; there was no need to bind them together with sex, not right away.  He nodded tentatively with relief. 

 

 “I love you, Jack.”

 

The older man sighed deeply.  “Oh, Daniel.  You’ll always be my Spacemonkey.”

 

“And what the hell does that mean, anyway?”

 

“I’ll explain it to you someday.  I love you too, god help us both.”

 

++++++++++++

 

Sam and Daniel took their treats (coffee, Rueben sandwiches and apricot strudel from Wimberger’s Old World Bakery & Deli) to their favorite bench under an autumnal yellow aspen tree in the Garden of the Gods.   The last few weeks had been anything but normal, but Daniel was starting to relax into a routine again, including tete a tetes with one of his closest friends.

 

He was licking icing sugar from his fingers when she suddenly demanded, “Okay, Daniel.  Spill.  What’s going on?”

 

His eyebrows hit his hairline.  “What?”

 

“I mean with you and the Colonel.  And don’t tell me ‘nothing’ because I have eyes.  And so does Teal’c.  We’ve both noticed.”

 

He was suddenly nervous again.  They had been so careful to not show anything.  No one was supposed to know.

 

“What did you notice?”

 

“Well, how careful you are with each other for one thing.  You speak to each other in measured tones, never raise your voices.  You’re always so polite.  I know we’ve talked about what happened on IP4, but Teal’c and I wondered if you and the Colonel were still having some problems with that.  You’re acting weird, but it isn’t like you get when you have a fight, so we don’t know what’s going on.  Care to enlighten me?”

 

“Um.  Listen, you weren’t supposed to notice anything.  No one was.  This could be bad.”

 

Sam peered at him suspiciously.  “What do you mean?”

 

“Um.  If we’re going to talk about this, you’d better start calling Jack, Jack, and not the Colonel, because this is way outside of Air Force regulations.  In fact, it’s something you’re not supposed to even ask about.”

 

She grabbed his arms insistently.  “Tell me!”

 

Daniel felt bashful talking about it.  “We, Jack and I, we’re going out.”

 

“Going out?”  For a genius, Sam wasn’t catching on very quickly.

 

“Going out.  As in dinner, movies, long walks in the park.  We’re courting.”

 

Now she stared at him in amazement, her lips moving in an attempt to form words that were not forthcoming.

 

Daniel recited as though he’d been over it a hundred times, “We’re both very aware that we’re not supposed to have a personal relationship.  There’s a long list of rules.  Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Jack’s more concerned about that than I am, of course, but I’m not going to get him in trouble if I can help it.  That’s why we didn’t say anything to you or Teal’c.  We thought it might be easier for you if you didn’t know anything, but I’m glad you asked because I can’t and don’t want to lie to you.   Really it’s harder for us that you don’t know.  That’s selfish, but it sucks keeping secrets from you.  So now you know.  I’ll talk to Jack and we’ll go see Teal’c later.”

 

Though Sam was no less amazed, her vocal chords were functioning again.  “So you and the…Jack… are sleeping together?”

 

Daniel blushed.  “No…,”  and then looked up with a shy smile.  “But we’re getting there.”  He leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “We kissed and it was really hot.”

 

Sam stared at Daniel’s beaming face and started to melt.  “You and Jack…”  Her eyes wide and soft, she reached up both hands to cup the sides of his face.  “Daniel.  Oh, god.  Oh, god, I hope this works out for you.”  She wrapped her arms around him and crushed him to her, causing him to laugh and hold his coffee cup at arms length so it wouldn’t spill on them.  She rocked him enthusiastically for a moment, then pushed him away and began to babble.

 

“It’s going to be fine.  It’s going to be great.  You two are made for each other.  Of course you are.  Lord almighty, what took you so long?  And don’t worry, it isn’t obvious.  Teal’c and I only noticed because we’re, well, us.  Nothing’s going to go wrong.  Everything will be all right now.”

 

Then she flung her arms around his neck and pulled him close again, snuffling into his chest.  This time Daniel put his coffee cup down on the bench and held her too.  They sat swaying together gently as the colorful leaves drifted peacefully around them.

 

 

++++++++++++

 

Jack watched Daniel as he huddled with the tribal chief and medicine man, working through the communication barrier.  Daniel’s hands darted and scratched in the soil, and two dreadlocked and feathered heads nodded enthusiastically.  Daniel in his element.  Nothing, no one, was more beautiful.

 

Carter reappeared from the undergrowth on the far side of the clearing carrying her sample box.  She was followed shortly thereafter by her trusty companion, Teal’c.  The two of them had been incredibly supportive of the developments in Jack and Daniel’s relationship.  They were so damn lucky to have such good friends and champions, ready to run interference between the rest of the world and the fragile alliance.

 

Not that they were quite as fragile as they once had been.  Both Jack and Daniel had settled into their lives, embracing this new element, and were finding that it gave them both more strength, not less.  Jack felt a momentary thrill as he reflected that they were moving very quickly toward Daniel wanting a physical union, sex, as much as he did.  When that moment arrived, it was going to be sooo worth waiting for. 

 

Daniel looked up suddenly, and they shared a private smile before the archaeologist returned to his dialogue.  Jack would need to go over and find out what they were talking about soon, but for now he was happy to watch his love work.  His own love.  Worth everything to hold on to.

 

 

The end

 

Home      Stargate Gen       Stargate Adult      Sentinel Gen       Sentinel Adult