Grace and Kindness

By Joolz

Feedback:  If you like J  [email protected]

Rating:  G

Genre:  Angst, Friendship

Warnings:  None

 

Summary:  Someone shows up on the doorstep with a tale that answers a lot of questions.

 

Disclaimer:  Not my lovely characters, just playing with them.

 

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Having totally learned his lesson Blair peered through the peephole in the door.  He hadn’t been expecting anyone and Jim wasn’t due back just yet so the doorbell had come as a surprise.  Despite the distortion of the tiny glass aperture he could see that the visitor was a rather distinguished looking woman of a certain age.  Shrugging his shoulders he opened the door.

 

He asked curiously, “Hi, can I help you?”

 

The woman, in an elegantly tailored skirt-suit and graying blond hair pulled back in a bun, looked at Blair in confusion.

 

“Uh,” she stuttered briefly, “I was looking for Jim Ellison.  Do I have the right apartment?”

 

“Yes, this is Jim’s place.  I’m his roommate Blair Sandburg.  Jim isn’t here right now but he should be back soon.  Would you like to come in and wait?”

 

The woman hesitated.  She looked nervous to Blair, which he found at odds with her physical appearance.  She seemed to be fighting the urge to bolt, an experience that Blair was familiar with himself, and he wanted to know more.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

 

“I…” the woman swallowed, “I’m Jim’s mother.”

 

Blair’s eyebrows shot up.  No shit?  Jim’s mother?  Now that she had said it he could see the resemblance.  Jim looked more like her than he did his father.

 

“Then you’re definitely coming in.”  He rounded her up and ushered her in the doorway.  “Really, Jim should be home any minute.  Why don’t you sit at the table and I’ll make you a cup of tea.  How does that sound?”

 

The woman seemed somewhat relieved that the decision had been taken out of her hands.  “Yes, please.  That would be lovely.”  As an afterthought she held out her hand. “My name is Grace.  Grace Wilson.”

 

Blair took her hand in his.  “It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Wilson.”

 

As Blair busied himself with the kettle he watched the woman take a seat and look around the loft.  Still uncomfortable, she wanted to make conversation.

 

“So have you lived with Jimmy very long?”

 

“A couple of years.  I’m also his partner at Major Crimes.”

 

Grace looked him over.  “You’re a police officer?”

 

Blair gave her one of his best smiles.  “No way, man.  I’m an Anthropology grad student at Rainier.  I’m doing a study on the police department and they let me ride along with Jim.  We get along really well, so it kind of grew from there.” 

 

“I see.”  She was growing distracted again and fidgeting.

 

Blair set the teapot and two cups on the table.  After seating himself he poured for her, studying her intently.  So this was the Sentinel’s other parent.  He was dying to quiz her about her family history, looking for antecedents of Sentinel abilities, but he found there was something he wanted to know even more.  Well, there might not ever be a better chance.

 

He took a breath and began, “Mrs. Wilson, I know that you don’t know me or anything, but I’m a very good friend of Jim’s and he’s told me a little about his childhood.  There’s something I really want to ask.”

 

Grace sighed.  “You want to know why a woman would leave her young children.”

 

“Yes.  And why you would leave them with William Ellison, who seems to be seriously lacking in parenting skills to say the least.  You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, it’s just, well, Jim himself doesn’t know what happened.”

 

The woman sipped her tea slowly, then looked at Blair.  “You care about him, I can tell.  Well, maybe it would be easier to start by talking to you.  I’m a little nervous about seeing him again after all these years.”

 

Blair entered attentive listener mode, knowing that this would have to be her way or not at all.  The best thing to do with a skittish interview subject was to create a safe space and let her go at her own pace.

 

The woman stared into her teacup.  “Why did I leave the boys?  I didn’t really, at least that’s not what I meant to happen.  I left William.”  She looked up at Blair and an old pain was in her eyes.  “At first I thought I had a fairytale marriage.  I was from a poor family in a small town and I married a successful businessman.  It was the way girls like me changed our lives.  Of course it didn’t last.  In the end I had to leave William.  I had to leave or lose my mind, or die, or something.  That’s how it seemed at the time.”

 

She looked down again.  “William was…cold.  And worse.  I was afraid of him.  Eventually I got up the nerve to walk out.  That wasn’t what girls like me were supposed to do.”

 

Blair prompted softly, “What about the boys?”

 

“You have to understand, Mr. Sandburg,”

 

“Blair.”

 

“Blair.  I was twenty-seven years old.  I’d moved from my father’s house to William’s.  I’d barely finished High School and never had a job of any kind.   By the time I left William both of my parents were dead.  I didn’t have friends that weren’t mostly my husband’s friends.  I just didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t know how I was going to survive myself, much less care for two little boys.  Leaving them there was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I didn’t have any choice.”

 

Blair could empathize.  She must have been desperate and afraid.  “What happened?”

 

“I took what little money I had and got a one room apartment, more like a hotel room, really.  I found a job at the cosmetics counter of a department store, but that barely paid my rent.  The pittance William eventually sent me in alimony wasn’t enough to feed a bird, and he threatened to cut that off if I tried to take the boys.  I didn’t want him to know what bad shape I was in, but he didn’t care anyway.  He only thought about his own needs.  I meant to get established and bring them to live with me despite what William might do, but…” She sipped her tea and forced herself to go on, “that’s not how it worked out.”

 

She looked at Blair defiantly.  “There was no way I could earn enough to take care of the boys.  I didn’t have the skills.  I didn’t have the, I guess you would say inner resources.  I know other women cope with things like this every day, but I couldn’t.  There was only one thing I had and that was my looks.  They were the reason that William married me in the first place and the only thing I could think of was to use them to marry someone else.

 

“So that’s what I set out to do.  And I did meet men.  They would be courting me, but as soon as I mentioned that I had two sons whom I planned to have come live with me they would disappear.  It was a decorative wife they wanted, not a ready-made family.  It was horrible.  I would get my hopes up that maybe this was the right man, then suddenly be on my own again.

 

“For a while I would see Jimmy and Stevie once a month or so.  I told them I was going to come for them, but I could see they didn’t believe me.  How could they when I didn’t really believe it myself?”

 

Grace stilled the anxious twisting of her teacup and Blair took the opportunity to refill it.

 

The woman went on quietly.  “Then I met Roger.  He was the most wonderful man I had ever known.  He was gentle and funny and handsome.  I wanted this to be the one, Blair.  I needed so much for it to work out with Roger.  I was starting to think crazy things about what I might have to do to survive.  Do you know what I’m talking about?”

 

Blair nodded. 

 

“I felt like this was my last chance to stay in the respectable world.  So… I didn’t tell Roger about the boys.  Even then I thought to myself that I would tell him later and everything would be all right.  But I never did find the courage. 

 

“It was about that time that Jimmy was in the news regarding his involvement in a murder.  I got scared again.  If Roger found out that this was my son, would he go away?  He asked me to marry him, and I couldn’t take that risk.  I moved and didn’t give William my new phone number.  I disappeared from my former family’s life so that my life could continue.”

 

It was harder for Blair to maintain his non-judgmental attitude when he heard this.  He couldn’t understand how anyone could abandon a child, abandon Jim, when he needed them the most.  He tried to imagine what Jim went through after finding Bud’s body, being repressed and called a freak by his father, and then having his mother disappear.  What kind of message did that send the child?  No wonder Jim had trouble trusting the people closest to him. 

 

Grace continued guiltily, “It wasn’t like I was leaving them on a street corner.  They were with their father.  They had a beautiful home and everything they could need.”

 

Blair bit down on his urge to say, ‘Except for a parent who loved them.’

 

“So anyway, I married Roger and that was that.  He saved me.  He gave me security and a place in the world.  The ironic thing is that it occurred to me later that Roger really might not have minded about Jimmy and Stevie.  He was a generous and loving man.  But it was too late.  I just didn’t dare take the chance, there was too much to lose.

 

“After a while I stopped thinking about the boys.  Our lives are apart now.  I see Jim in the papers or on TV every once in a while, and he looks good.  He became a very handsome man.”  Now there were some tears of regret in her eyes, but she shook them off.  “He didn’t need me after all.”

 

Blair didn’t know whether to cry or to strangle the woman.  He counted to ten and tried to control his anger.  He could understand the difficult situation she had been in, but he loved Jim too much to be objective.  It was tragic that Jim had had to go through this and it was also amazing that he had become such a good person with a superficial coward for a mother.  He managed to state calmly, “Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” 

 

Just then the door rattled and they both looked up as Jim came in.  As he hung up his coat Jim greeted them, “Hey, Chief.  I see you’ve got company.”  Then Jim stopped and seemed to be sniffing the air.  He turned to look at the woman sitting beside Blair, his eyes grew wide with shock and he froze like a statue.

 

Blair stood and moved to his friend’s side.  Gripping Jim’s arm lightly he said the obvious.  “Jim, this is…”

 

“My mother.  I know.”

 

The woman stood and faced her son, suddenly looking very vulnerable.  She began tentatively, “Jimmy…”

 

It was like a switch was flipped in Jim.  At the sound of her voice anything he might have been feeling disappeared far inside his protective barriers.  Stone faced he headed into the kitchen to pour a glass of water.

 

“So why are you here.”

 

Blair wanted to run interference, to make things easier for Jim, but it so wasn’t his place.  He offered, “Um, hey, I’ll just head to my room for a while.”

 

Jim ordered, “Stay put, Sandburg.”  He turned to the woman again.  “Well?”

 

“It, it’s good to see you, Jimmy.”

 

“I’m called Jim now.  If you had shown up any time in the last 25 years you would know that.”

 

She cringed.  “I deserve that and more.  I’m sorry, Jim.   I don’t know what to say to you.”

 

“Why don’t you just tell me why you’re here.”

 

Blair stood fixed in place, looking first at one then the other like a tennis match.  As the conversation continued he unconsciously moved to stand next to Jim at the counter.

 

Grace looked shaken up, but pulled herself together.  “All right.  There is a reason that I’m here today.”  She sat down again and began.  “After I left your father I remarried, to a man named Roger Wilson.  I had three more children with him.”

 

The blood was rushing in Blair’s ears at this revelation.  He could just imagine how Jim must feel to suddenly find out he has more siblings.  Blair placed his hand lightly on Jim’s back and could feel the tension in his muscles. 

 

The woman continued, “Brian is the oldest, he’s 23 now.  Then there’s Mary who’s 21 and Bruce who is only 19.   I never told any of them that I had a family before.  Roger died two years ago and never knew, and neither did the kids.  And, well, you never knew about them either.”

 

Jim asked with an impressively gentle tone, “Why are you here?”

 

Grace sat up straighter and explained, “It’s about Bruce.  A few weeks ago he was diagnosed with leukemia.  He needs a bone marrow transplant urgently or he will die.  Brian, Mary and I have all been tested and we aren’t compatible donors.  The doctor says that the closer the genetic relationship the better chance there is that a transplant will be successful.  You and Stevie are his brothers.  I came to ask you if you would be tested.”

 

When Jim didn’t answer immediately Grace’s eyes filled with desperate tears.  “Bruce is my baby.  He could die and I couldn’t stand that.  I can’t lose him!  Please, Jim!  I’ll beg you if I have to.  I know I don’t deserve any consideration from you, but none of this is Bruce’s fault.”

 

Jim regarded her evenly.  “Have you contacted Stephen?”

 

“Not yet.  I wanted to talk to you first.  You always were the strongest of the two.”

 

Jim nodded.  “Leave me the name and number of the doctor and I’ll call tomorrow.”

 

Grace looked shocked.  “You will?”

 

Blair answered for his friend.  “Jim does everything he can to help people whether they are family or complete strangers.  Of course he’ll do this.  It’s the kind of man he is.”

 

Jim didn’t move his gaze from the woman at his dining table.  “What will you tell the others?”

 

Grace faltered.  “I…I don’t know.  What do you want me to tell them?” 

 

“I’ll think about it.  I want to talk to Stephen, too.  Or do you want to do that?”

 

The woman was growing paler by the second.  “I…”

 

Jim decided.  “I’ll do it, then we’ll contact you.  Is that all?”

 

“Jim, this is even harder than I expected.  Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

 

Blair could tell that Jim was so brittle he was on the verge of cracking.

 

“You want me to forgive you?”  He shook his head.  “That may take some time.  Don’t push it.”

 

He walked to the door and opened it.  Grace Wilson placed a card on the table and stood.  Walking toward the door she pulled her self up and smoothed her suit.  Before leaving she turned to Blair.  “It was nice meeting you, Mr. Sandburg.”  She looked at Jim and seemed about to say something else but Jim stopped her.

 

“I’ll talk to you later…Mother.”

 

She nodded and walked out.  Jim closed the door behind her and headed into the kitchen to get a beer.  As Blair opened his mouth Jim stopped him, too.

 

“I’ll talk about this all you want, Chief, but not right now if you don’t mind.”  He actually smiled faintly.  “As you would say, I need to process.”

 

“Sure, Jim, and that’s cool.  I just wanted to tell you that, well, before you got here we were talking.  I didn’t mean to pry, but…”

 

Jim confirmed affectionately, “You were curious.”

 

“Yeah.  Anyway, she told me a lot of stuff about what happened.  You may want to ask her, or if you’d rather I can tell you what she said.  It’s like, totally up to you.  I’m just saying that I’m here for you however you need me, man.”

 

The tension seemed to flow out of Jim’s body and he leaned his shoulder against Blair’s.  “I know you are, Chief.  I’m actually not as upset about this as you might think.  Sure it was a shock to see her after all these years and to find out about my sister and brothers, one of whom may die before I can even meet him.  But I’ve learned, Chief, that blood relations aren’t necessarily family.  Family is the people you can count on no matter what, and I have that.  I have you, don’t I?  Don’t worry your head until it explodes.  I’ll be all right.”

 

Jim wrapped one arm around Blair and gave him a squeeze, then walked to the balcony doors and went outside. 

 

Blair took some vegetables out of the fridge and began to chop.  Family is the people you can count on no matter what?  Blair guessed that maybe he had a wealth of family himself.   He smiled and continued preparing dinner for the brother of his soul.

 

 

The End

 

 

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