January 15, 2001
Monday
"Obstacles are what you face
when you take your eyes off the goal" Anonymous
Martin Luther King Junior Holiday...
i went to the city today with steve, john, james, jae and mel...not cause i needed anything but more so because i just wanted to chill with them. i was really happy to see everyone together again...later we met up with john, young and julie...i got a chance to ride the cable cars for the first time in my life. it was just about the most fun i've had since i've returned to berkeley...it was freezing cold but i got to stand at the very front as the SF scenery passed by us...steve was so funny, he kept on saying hi and waving to all the people that were driving or walking by...it made me laugh a lot...but then again, steve always makes me laugh, it's good to have someone around in your life to bring laughter with no effort...haha! later me and mel decided to stay longer cause we wanted to look around some more...and it's a good thing we did cause we hit the BIGGEST sale! victoria's secret was like on mad sale....we bought a whole bunch of essentials for ridiculously cheap prices.
so tomorrow is the first day of school. can i just die? (not literally....) i'm just not prepared. my mind is not ready for the speed and concentration of this berkeley education...whoops! i forgot to wash my backpack...it's GROSS. i never washed it yet...it's been to korea, uganda, camping, hiking, 3 years of school, coffee spills....gross. and i never washed it. eww. man! i forgot...i should get a notebook or something too...
oh well....
i've been kinda sad today...i feel like things aren't going the way they should be in my life...everything seems so out of place...it was fun hanging out with my friends but...i just have this sinking feeling something is wrong...that something is out of balance...maybe it's just cause i'm not ready for school. or because i'm not ready to graduate. or because i'm not ready to grow up. or i'm not ready to face reality and come to terms with the fact that nothing magical will happen in my life to make everything peachy and happy and rosy and smiley....althought at times i still have the idea that this WILL happen some day...at this moment i know i'm not finding contentment in Christ...i'm just kinda having a stagnant day where things just don't seem to be changing at the rate i wish it could...i don't know why, maybe i'm a dreamer or something but i just keep on thinking/that it's gonna get better and everything will be great...that things will just be fine! and life will be dandy. and i'll wake up in the morning and smile and thank the Lord for blessing me with yet another blessed day on this beautiful earth He has created!
um.
not quite where i'm at right now. i just wake up and don't really think. i'm in a dangerous place i would say...i don't have any heated passion...i mean i do for some things...but that zeal for life, service and worship just isn't there...i need to focus. i NEED to.
sigh.
it's an endless battle...well, technically, there IS an end so...um...a really really long battle....of which i need to be conscious of...but sometimes i forget...
blah blah blah...yap yap yap....i wonder if this thought/contemplation thing is a good idea...i mean i know myself that i don't write everything that i'm thinking...it's edited by my own mind and the fears that i have of the judgement the world will place on me...so is this really me who's typing? is this really who i am? what i'm thinking? i mean the real reason why i never did this 'thoughts' thing was because i was afraid of what i would type and how people would respond or what they would think as they read it...which is why i haven't told anyone that i've made this link on my webpage....if you're reading this, you're lucky that you even saw that little line on my info page...but...i guess you've learned the first thing about me. i'm insecure. and kinda paranoid. i've been told that this quality is a turn off but...okay then. haha. i'm a turnoff! yay =) but here's the thing - i honestly think and believe that most people are insecure! so for all of you who tell me that i'm silly for being insecure...i bet you are too deep inside...and if you really aren't, then good for you and i hope to become better friends with you so that i can learn and be influenced by your example...it's just like finding a diamond in the rough when you find a friend that knows you...ALL of you...and is understanding of all your faults, rather than being judgemental (please don't get the wrong idea and think that i say all this without realizing that i also can be held to this)...i don't want to have people see my faults and then just sit there and point them out everytime i fail or come short. geez! just tell me! please help me and let me know...as hard as it is, find it in your heart to give me the benefit of the doubt. if you think i'm angry, or offended or being too sensitive, ask! or just complain about me to my face! don't just say to yourself "oh gosh. ugh....she's acting like that again. oh whatever, she's just like that"....i mean, that makes you the better one, right? cause you don't 'suffer' from sensitivity or whatever...but dude! as the 'better' one, help a friend out! bring it to their attention!...
blah blah...now can you see why having this thoughts section can be a bad thing?
i'll just go on and on....
but i guess this is convenient for you cause if you guys don't want to hear it, you just don't have to read it...as opposed to asking a person directly to their face how they are, you can read little exerpts of their lives...that's what i like about people's contemplations, i can read about them without having to ask and poke and prod around for information they are willing to give...to let me know...they write an extension of themselves and make it available to me...to us! i think it's great...
sigh...i hope tomorrow is a better day...
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