January 19, 2001

Thursday

"I will sing to the Lord,

            for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:6

me and doug have been watching ga-ul-dong-hwa...i kinda don't want to watch the rest of it cause i kinda heard how it ends and why it's so sad...but i've already cried a lot watching the first 2 tapes so....hmm....i don't think i'm ready to handle the ending...for most of you who know me, i cry kinda easily (did you all watch the iron giant? yes, the cartoon. dude...i CRIED). i don't think it's something i can control and so when guys say that they don't LET themselves cry, i just wish i had that same kinda control (at the end of the movie i left #205 to come into my own apartment cause i didn't want them to see me cry so hard! i was embarrased. haha). but it's so interesting that even the basic things like what makes  us cry are all established at a young age. who i am today, what i feel, how i think, who i want to be, why i cry, what hurts me, what i can and cannot deal with - all of these are so influenced by our childhood experiences...i mean, when we all grow up and become parents, i think THEN we'll finally really understand the huge impact parents have on their children...they're little sponges - ready to soak up and imitate all your positive and negative habits...i think one reason why parents can be so easily annoyed at their children is because a lot of the bad habits your own child can have are flaws in your own character and it's annoying to see it and know that it exists most likely because of your own influence! scary thought...but it's exciting too...

love can be so tragic. especially the unrequited kind. ahh! see! look at how watching korean dramas affects me (poor won bin/tae suk)...do any of you think that you'll KNOW he or she is THE ONE? i mean you know, the make eye contact across the room and suddenly the world seems to stop and you walk closer to each other while everyone around you seems to be making a pathway for the two of you then bam! you're married and you life happily ever after. yeah right....

i've been feeling a little better these days...things kinda seem to be zooming by already. it's always like that - i just feel like i have absolutely no control over anything. i mean i don't have enough time to catch up with myself in the sense that i always feel like i'm living in the past...i'm hardly conscious of what takes place in the present...one thing i hope to do is take all those mistakes i've made in the past and recognize them as they may continue to take place in my life...as my close friend tells me, i'm not a great person. one might think that that's not a nice thing to say but the fact of the matter is, it's true. i guess most of us aren't good people...we just sit there hoping that everyone else won't notice that aspect of you.  but for me, i guess in a way i'm blessed to have friends let me know that they can see how worthless i am because of all of my personality flaws. i mean if you think about it, in a way, they can FINALLY SEE YOU! i mean REALLY REALLY see you. we all sit here and say "i am a sinner". but! to point out flaws and problems about your friends and then tell them you don't like it and then tell them that they're really not that great...it takes a lot of guts but it also takes a different mindset then what most of us 'polite' koreans are used to. ultimately, i don't take offense to what this friend says simply because they see me as i see myself as well. (by the way, hi friend! i'm pretty sure you're reading this...haha) so fine then! GUESS WHAT WORLD! I SUCK! haha...let everyone know, i'm not that great. i will fail. and now, i'm a lot less scared about having all of you not like me (i mean, i wouldn't like it...but i'm just a lot less scared for when it happens...). you know what i mean, that feeling sometimes when you think someone doesn't like you....that feeling where you know and have even heard people talking negatively about you...it's okay because i know too. i think the scared part comes in when you feel unloved...unaccepted...but...psalms...there is so much to be learned when in your heart you can feel depravity - that knowledge and feeling that you deserve nothing. then again, it can just be having an excessively low self-esteem (how sad!), but honestly, that feeling of your wretched sinful self being forgiven and loved by God...dang...whew....in that sense, it's worth having a few friends help you see who you are...who you REALLY are.

thank goodness God loves me....

that's all i need...that and a little bit of patience from the world of friends i live in...right?

so now i just have to wait for doug and grace to get back from ficb so we can watch the ending of ga-ul-dong-hwa...

you know what the weird thing about having this thoughts page? that i can't ask you questions. i don't even know who reads this. i don't know who you are...what your reactions are to reading this...how you're doing. what you did today. what your name is. i do not know!

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