January 14, 2001
Sunday, 2:28 pm
"The practice of truth
is the most profitable reading of it" Anonymous
so this is my first entry....falling into the "contemplations/thoughts/in my head" thing for my web-page since all y'all have told me that i should have a section like this....
i'm sitting here listening to jay-z at the moment, lillian just left for church (she was eating her taquitos here)...i don't really have to do much today...i guess just finish cleaning up my apartment...first pres service is at 5:45pm so i've got some time...
this is my final semester here at Cal and i kinda don't know what to do with myself. i'm not ready to study, i'm not ready to go to classes. i'm just not looking forward to it like i used to. before, i would anticipate the first day of school...every semester i told myself i wouldn't be stupid and i WOULD study this time, that i COULD do really well if i just learn to concentrate. so far, that thought hasn't really condensed into reality. i suppose this is my last chance and at the same time, it's my only chance. sigh. i know i'm not gonna follow through. but that's something that i've really learned to accept. I WILL FAIL. not that i'm going to fail all the time...i just know that i can. and you know what? that's okay! the only problem is that i have to make sure that i don't become too discouraged by my own retarded sinfulness to the point of defeat, to the point where i give up and think even God who is all loving, would over look me. my doubts this semester have stemmed a lot from my idea that it is not possible for God to forgive me or even love me (yeah, yeah, even with the example of saul and all, i still thought so...). i didn't pray because i felt like i would disrespect God by even coming before Him, asking for forgiveness...it just seemed ridiculous, but it IS if you think about it. God forgives. how odd and wonderful. but dang, don't you sometimes wish that God could just take over your mind and body and make it easier for you? forget "strength"...i would love a total "possession"... i would love it if i were so unaffected by this world that it would be easy for me to be saturated by the Holy Spirit, to be unaltered by this stupid world that tells me what i need, what i should be, what i should look like, how i should act... can you image what it would be like to have EVERY SINGLE thought and action be centered around the worship of God? to have every breath be drawn to muster up even more energy solely for the purpose of worship? i just wish that i could cease to exist, that my body would literally be possessed by someone who lives every second with the clear vision that they have one purpose in this life. such a long way to go....
so anyways, my brother drove me and judy up to berkeley late friday night. my brother's such a nice guy...i don't think i know many people with his kind of niceness....it's like it's just him, he's not trying or anything...he doesn't make any effort to be nice or polite, it just happens, cause in his heart, he's just nice! it's who he is. he left this morning and i hope he gets home safely. it's a long long drive for someone to drive by themself...long and boring!
i watched save the last dance last night....it wasn't as good as i hoped it would be. john says julia stiles looks like a sausage, haha (cause she gained a little weight and her body is really long and straight with not many curves haha...). then we went to blockbuster and i bought dirty dancing cause judy had never watched it...i really like that movie - one day i hope to mambo like the people in the movie...they dance so fun! the merenge (i have no idea how to spell it) and all those other dances...
i'm listening to aretha franklin now...she's got some lungs...isn't it insane that mariah can sing 7 octaves? it's just insane...
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