From:
"The Joketender"
a.k.a.: Blair B. Stobie
A math equation for the workplace:
Smart Boss + Smart Worker = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Worker = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Worker = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Worker = Overtime!!!
* You wouldn't worry so much about what other people think about you if you only knew how little they actually did!
CHEERS!!!
"The Joketender"
A computer was something on TV, from a science fiction show? A window was something you hated to clean? RAM was the father of a goat? Your SIN # was the times you betrayed God?...
DICTIONARY FOR ARGUING WITH WOMEN
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of an argument when they feel they are right, but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up.
(NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the "five minutes" that your football game is going to last before you take out the garbage, so women feel it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
"Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you will have a "Five minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is not permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing around here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually do understand. It means she is momentarily content. You best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night."
If she says "Oh" before any statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect to talk to her for at least two days.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once again she has had time to plan it out, you are in some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask her what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing...."
*"Man who run in front of car, get tired!"
*"Man who run behind car, get exhausted!"
*"Man with one chopstick, go hungry!"
*"Man who scratch bum, should not bite fingers!"
*"Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money!"
*"War does not determine who is right. War determine who is left!"
*"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
*"Man who stand on toilet, is high on pot!"
*"Man who live in glass house, should change clothes in basement!"
*"Man who fart in church, sit in own pew!"
*"Crowded elevator, smell different to midget!"
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human... To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems, is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
If you don't know what they are, they are tese cute little computer symbols used sometimes.
:) is a smile or "smiley"
:( is a frown or "frowny"
Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.
Well, how about some "ass cons?"
Here we go:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a squishy ass
[_!_] a square ass
(o!o) a smart ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that has been around alot!
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) money coming out of his ass!
(_?_) dumb ass
I have found the best results using an Arial font. You can make any of the above a crooked ass by using italics as well. Let's see:
(_!_) (_!_)
Yep, it works!
I hope this makes your next writing project more creative...
Ever answered a personal ad? many people who have probably won't admit it? In general I find alot of people who put personal ads up on the internet, have no life and for some reason can't get out and find someone to be with on their own. I have answered a few of them myself. Not out of desperation, but mostly out of curiosity and shear boredom. The last time I did, I was set up with a date. It was a damn good thing that neither one of us knew what each other looked like. I took one look at her and pulled a 180 and got away as fast as I could. She totally lied about her weight and her looks were nothing near what she described herself as. She was UGLY!!!
I hope this list will help you out the next time you may be reading a personal ad. The scary thing is, some of these definitions are true!:
Ladies first:
40 - ish...........................48
Adventurer...............Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic........................Flat-chested
Average looking...........Ugly
Beautiful.....................Pathological liar
Contagious smile.........Bring your penicillin
Educated.....................College dropout
Emotionally secure.......Medicated
Feminist.....................Fat, ball buster
Free spirit...................Substance user
Friendship first......Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun............................Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose, boring
Good listener..............Borderline autistic
New-Age......................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned..............Lights out, Missionary position only
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing.....................Loud
Passionate...................Loud
Poet...........................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional...............Bitch
Redhead.....................Shops the Clairol section alot
Reubenesque.............Grossly fat
Romantic....................Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.................Very fat
Weight proportional to hieght......Hugely fat
Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking
Widow........................Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart...........Toothless crone
Now the so called Gentlemen:
40 - ish......................52 and looking for a 25 year-old
Athletic.....................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......Usual hair growth on ears, nose & back
Educated...................Will always treat you like an idiot
Free spirit.................Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first.........As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..........................Good with the remote and a six pack
Good looking............Arrogant bastard
Honest.....................Pathological liar
Huggable.................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent
Mature...................Until you get to know him
Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister, but she's not interested
Physically fit..........I spend alot of time in front of the mirror admiring myself
Poet......................Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual................Once went to church on Easter Sunday with his grandmother
Stable..................Occasional stalker, but not yet arrested
Thoughtful...........Says "Please" when asking for a beer
Good luck, "The Joketender"
- It's estimated that 1 in 5 Canadians will become affected by a mental illness at some time in their lives.
- About 2.5 million Canadian adults or more than 10 per cent of the population 18 and over will have a depressive disorder.
- Of the 10 leading causes of disability worldwide, five are mental disorders: Schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder, alcohol use disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder.