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| Quickies II |
| She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She's done more screwing than Black and Decker. She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini. She's been boarded more times than Amtrak. She's been mounted more often than Trigger. She's been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins. She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope. She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare. She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube. She's spent more time under men than barstools. She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge. She's had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes. She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan. She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima. Her body has been declared a national recreation area. Her diaphragms come with a service contract. She has an IUD with a beeper. She uses industrial strength douche. Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest. Her underwear is by Rubbermaid. Her pantyhose has a pet door. She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Holland Tunnel. |
| Two Eskimos sitting in a canoe were chilly, and so decided to light a fire. Of course it sank, proving once and for all that you can�t have your kayak and heat it. Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist�s novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because" he said, "I can�t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." There was a man who entered a local paper�s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named �Amal�. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him �Juan�. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you�ve seen Juan, you�ve seen Amal." |
| Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: Lawyer's creed: A: A man is innocent until proven broke. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? A: Skeet. Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Chelsea Clinton Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? A: It might be your bicycle. Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. Q: It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) A: I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. Q: A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. A: "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? A: The vultures will eat the skunk. Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? A: About three pounds, including the urn. Q: Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra? A: He gets taller. Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? A: You shoot the lawyer... Twice. |
| 1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen andstupidity 2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 3. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier tolive with. 4. Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a badcheck. 7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancerin rats. 9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget yourbook. 11. Corollary: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live. 12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. 13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 14. TJ's Law: You can't fall off the floor. 15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think. 16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or noinfluence on society. 17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. 18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. |
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| "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuk was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'till I met you." "As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I've always wanted I hope it's your sister." "Thanks for being part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Comgratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take the knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you." After having met you, I've changed my mind. "Happy Birthday!! You look great for your age.....Almost lifelike!" "When we were together you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew that day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits." "I'm so miserable without you, it's like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." |
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