quickies3

Quickies III

Q.) WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
A.) We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like you adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

Q.) WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
A.) We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our sex partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. It is the highest form of true humor.

Q.) WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
A.) You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your sex partner.

Q.) WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
A.) It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your damn PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter; Needles to say all of your bitching and nagging doesn't help our life expectancy one iota! You have to realize that hormones modify behavior -- we're just misunderstood.

Q.) WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
A.) Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well; Women are just much better at not getting caught. It's a photographic memory thing: Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we are forced to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

Q.) WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
A.) Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

Q.) WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
A.) Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

Q.) HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
A.) Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

Q.) WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
A.) It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing... err... buying?

Q.) WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE?
A.) Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

Q.) WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
A.) Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, after all of these centuries, it still actually works quite well.

Q.) WHY DOESN'T MY HUSBAND EVER ANSWER ME?
A.) We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your silly questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other more important things.

Q.) WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
A.) Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

Q.) WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
A.) Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

Q.) WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
A.) This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

ON MARRIAGE
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul
Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Things your wife won't say...

Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

That was one great fart! Do another!

I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!

You're so sexy when you're hungover.

Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

You're so sexy when you're hungover.

Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.

I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

Your mother is way better than mine.

Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

Our anniversary comes every year, you go hunting with the guys!

Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a three-some!

Damn, not the crummy mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!

I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

Shucks, if I don't give you head soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!

Why? Because I love the taste.

I'll be outside painting the house.

I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my head the way you like it!

Honey, our new neighbor's daughter is out back sunbathing again, come see!