quickies

Q.) What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
A.) Nacho Cheese.

Q.) Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
A.) Because It Scares The Dog.

Q.) How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
A.) They Take The Psycho Path.

Q.) How Do You Get Holy Water?
A.) You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

Q.) What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
A.) Dam!

Q.) What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
A.) Polaroids.

Q.) What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A.) A Stick.

Q.) What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
A.) Subordinate Clauses.

Q.) How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
A.) Unique Up On It.

Q.) How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
A.) Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

Q.) What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
A.) Quatro Sinko.

Q.) What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
A.) Spoiled Milk.

Q.) What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
A.) Frostbite.

Q.) What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A.) A Nervous Wreck.

Q.) What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
A.) Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Q.) Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
A.) Because They Have Big Fingers.

Q.) What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
A.) Sanka.

Q.) What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
A.) The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

Q.) What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad Skydiver?
A.) A Bad Golfer Goes, hack, Damn! A Bad Skydiver Goes Damn! Whack.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

Quickies

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?!

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.

I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us don't have film.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

How much faith does it take to be an atheist?

If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

A Polar Bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Gin and............................ tonic, please"

The Barkeep says, "Why the big pause?"

The polar bear replies, "I don't know. My Dad had 'em, too."

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:

I don't like to interrupt her.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

A cop drives down the street going to his house as usual. Everything is normal except a man hanging by his foot on a tree. He stops and asks, "Sir, what are you doing?"

The man said, "I'm trying to hang myself."

The cop replies, "Try putting the rope around your neck."

The man then said, "I tried, but I couldn't breath."

1. What can a bird do that a man can't?
     Whistle through his pecker.

2. Why did the man cross the road?
     Because he heard the chicken was a slut.

3. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
     They don't have time!

4. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
     Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

5. Why don't women have men's brains?
     Because they don't have a penis to keep them in!

6. What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
     They're usually intended for children, but it's the men who end up playing with them.

7. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
     Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock!

8. Why do men masturbate?
     It's sex with someone they love.

9. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
     So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

10. Why did God create a man before a women?
     You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

11. Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
     So he can tell if he's coming or going.

12. Have you heard of the Lorena Bobbit computer virus?
      It turns your hard drive into a three and a half inch floppy.

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