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Yankee Doodle Handy
Yankee Doodle went to town
A-riding on his mother
Every time he hit a bump
He had another brother!
Fun Things to Do at a Drive-Thru
1. Drive through the drive-thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
2. Ask the price of almost everything on the menu and then order something that
you didn't ask the price for.
3. Tell the employee that your window is broken. Order and then pay with your
door open. When the food comes, roll down the window and snatch your order from
their hands.
4. Go to McDonald's and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a
fight.
5. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels.
6. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you're in.
7. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just
window-shopping and drive on.
8. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
9. Ask the cashier how they fit into that little box.
10. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
11. Demand to speak to the manager. When they come on, complain that you did not
like the way the employee said, "May I take your order?"
12. When asked if they can take your order say, "Why, can I take yours?"
13. If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at
you.
14. Pretend your car has broken down. Ask for assistance moving it. When they
come out, drive away.
15. Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
16. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
17. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you,
get out of the car and cause a scene.
18. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag with all the trash from your
car in it.
19. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
20. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Our Four Sons
Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited
at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock
broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next
guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he
just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got
enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.”
Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks,
“What are you guys talking about?'
“Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son
is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last
week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”
Grandma
What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
Grandpa.
The Jackass Story
This Story is true!!! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when
you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone
you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello?' '
I politely said, ''This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin
Carter?''
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could
be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I
spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, ''You're a jackass!'' and
hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word ''jackass,'' and put it in my desk
drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd
call him up.
He'd answer, and I'd yell, ''You're a jackass!''
It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real
disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea.
I dialed his number, then heard his voice say, ''Hello.'' I made up a name.
''Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to
see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?''
He went, ''No!'' and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, ''That's because you're a jackass!''
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's
ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial
823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.
I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "
Great," I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro
comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her
space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, ''You can't just do that, Buddy. I was
here first!'' The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He
walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This
guy's a jackass.
There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."
I noticed he had a ''For Sale'' sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down
the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, ''You're a jackass!'' (It's really
easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone
number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better
call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?''
''Yes, it is.''
''Can you tell me where I can see it?''
''Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked
right out front.''
I said, ''What's your name?''
''My name is Don Hansen.''
''When's a good time to catch you, Don?''
''I'm home in the evenings.''
''Listen Don, can I tell you something?''
''Yes.''
''Don, you're a jackass!'' And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the
problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.
A man answered nicely saying, ''Hello.''
I yelled ''You're a jackass!'' but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, ''Are you still there?''
I said, ''Yeah.''
He said, ''Stop calling me.''
I said, ''No.''
He said, ''What's you name, pal?''
I said, ''Don Hansen.''
He said, ''Where do you live?''
''1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out
front.''
''I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers.''
''Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!'' and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, ''Hello.''
I said, ''Hello, Jackass!''
He said, ''If I ever find out who you are...''
''You'll what?''
''I'll kick your butt.''
''Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!'' And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West
34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th
Street.
After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the
whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other
in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Priest vs. Homosexual
What is the difference between a priest and a homosexual?
The way they say ahhhh-men.
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I
borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper
and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna
do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers
Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
Helen Keller's Favorite Color
What is Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Mounted Cop
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his
new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
The Most Gruesome Death
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven.
Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst
death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, ''Well, Peter, you see, I knew
that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one
day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn't
find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the
darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him
with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush
so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him,
the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.''
The next man came up and started his story. ''St. Peter, I always work out on my
balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and
I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought 'Please God
spare my life' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier
when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating
my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I
landed in a bush. But I'm here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top
of me.''
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. ''Well, Peter, just picture
this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick's refrigerator.....'''
69 Things to do in Wal-Mart
* Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them
at strategic locations.
* Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
* Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
* Start playing football -- see how many people you can get to join in.
* Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together
and yell, ''I need some tampons!!''
* Try on bras over top of your clothes.
* Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
* While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible ''Sex and
Candy''
* Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, ''I think we've got a
Code 3 in Housewares,'' and see what happens.
* Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the
volumes to ''10.''
* Play with the automatic doors.
* Walk up to complete strangers and say, ''Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!...'' etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
* While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for
all to hear, ''Who BUYS this shit, anyway?''
* Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
* Put pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
* Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
*. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing
field.
* As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say,
''Wow. Magic!''
* Put M&M's on layaway.
* Move ''Caution: Wet Floor'' signs to carpeted areas.
* Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them
in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
* Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
* Nonchalantly ''test'' the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
* Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,''...I'm Batman.
Come, Robin -- to the Batcave!"
* TP as much of the store as possible.
* Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
* Play with the calculators so that they all spell ''hello'' upside down.
(01134)
* When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, ''Why won't you
people just leave me alone?"
* When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling,
''Red Rover!''
* Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick
your nose.
* Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full-scale battlefield with
G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
* Take bets on the battle described above.
* Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. Barbie. (Red lipstick might give
an interesting effect...)
* While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
* While no one's watching, quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the
doors of the restrooms.
* Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from ''Mission: Impossible.'
* Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
* Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
* Fill an entire cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when
you attempt to buy them.
* Set up a ''Valet Parking'' sign in front of the store.
* Two words: ''Marco Polo.'
* Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
* ''Re-alphabetize'' the CDs in Electronics.
* In the auto department, practice your ''Madonna'' look with various funnels. *
Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like ''the
fat man walks alone,'' and scare them into believing that the clothes are
talking to them.
* While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very
serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin
crying ''How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won.'' Then act as though you are being beaten
and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
* When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and
scream, ''No, no! It's those voices again!''
* Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
* Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.If the store
has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask
if they can put a little umbrella in it.
* Get a stuffed animal, go to the front of the store and begin stroking it
lovingly, saying ''Good girl, good Bessie."
* Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one
pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
* When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off
with it without saying a word.
* Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
* Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
* Test the fishing rods and see what you can ''catch'' from the other aisles.
* In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then
walk up to a boy who is with a girl and start flirting with him as ditisily as
possible: ''Hi! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle).'' When the boy shows no
interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. ''Hi! (giggle) What's
your sign? (giggle).''
* Hold indoor shopping cart races.
* Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
* When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially through narrow
aisles. * Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
* Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. * Pay off layaways
fifty cents at a time.
* Say things like, ''Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?''
* Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in
stock, i.e., ''Do you have any Shnerples here?''
* Ride a display bicycle through the store -- claim you're taking it for a
''test drive.''
* Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
* Get boxes of condoms and randomly slip them into peoples' carts when they
aren't paying attention.
Priest's First Mass
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass
he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am
worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the
water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he
got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return
to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the
Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was
stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it
for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Accountants and Engineers on a
Train
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At
the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three
engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The
accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a
restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door
opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor
takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station
they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you
going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "Watch and
you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three
accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one
nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to
the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."
Fun With Cops
(Disclaimer--Some of this stuff is illegal.)
*Ask the cop if you can use his pepper spray to "spice up" your takeout.
*Take his flashlight and play flashlight tag with yourself.
*When he walks up to you, look at his gut and say "I thought you had to be
physically fit to be a cop."
*Draw happy faces on all the pages in his ticket book.
*Ask if his bulletproof vest would protect him from projectile vomiting.
*Ask him if you can take his squad car out for a joy ride.
*When he asks you for your license say, "Oh sure officer, I could reach it if
you'd hold my beer."
*Explain speeding with, "See officer, I was driving along when I dropped my bag
of crack. I tried to pick it up but, when I did, my gun fell and jammed my foot
against the gas pedal."
*Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
*Tell him you wanted to be a cop but decided to graduate high school instead.
*Ask him if his badge is made of chocolate.
*Try to bribe him with chucky cheese tokens.
*Try to bribe him with one-dollar bills. When he declines, remind him that "with
10-10-220 you can get all calls up to twenty minutes for 99 cents."
*Pay all ticket fines with pennies.
*Ask him how many donuts he can eat in one minute. Ask him to prove it.
*When you spot some cops with a radar gun pull over, show them a hair dryer and
yell, "I've got one too!"
*Say to him, "Don't cheek the trunk. Nope, nothing in there. Scout's honor."
*When he asks you to explain why you were going so fast, tell him that you were
going to Dunkin' Donuts and you know he'll understand.
*When the cop is talking to you, ignore him and roll your window up and down
while looking amazed that it does that.
*Ask him what he is doing out so late.
*Ask him if you can play cops and robbers.
*Call his dog Admiral, regardless of what its real name is.
*Throw the cop's nightstick and tell Admiral to go fetch.
*Tell him that the wee little leprechauns made you do it.
*Ask him if he can make strobes with his police lights.
*When he tries to open the door taunt him by locking the door when he tries to
open it, then unlocking it when he looks away. Repeat this several times.
*Paint flames on the side of his squad car.
*Paint flames on the side of his uniform.
*When he walks up to your car-put your hands on your face and mutter "If I don't
see you I can't get a ticket."
*Throw cans of Spam at him.
*When he tells you to put your hands on the hood, walk to his car and put your
hands on his hood.
*Say to him "Darn, officer you must of been going fast to keep up with me!!"
*Tell him you were testing to law of perpetual motion when the escape vector was
off causing Philbin's law to take effect...
* When he walks up to you have the radio full blast, look forward without saying
a word and breathe in and out very loudly.
* When he ask you to walk the straight line, "Riverdance" instead.
* When he asks you to say your alphabet backwards count backwards from ten
instead.
*When he asks you to touch your nose, poke yourself in the eye and start acting
like Curly from the Three Stooges.
*Keep his pen.
*If they put you in the back of the squad car, sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb"
loudly and obnoxiously over and over all the way to the Police Dept.
*Say "Could you tighten these cuffs? My hands don't hurt yet."
*Instead of pleading the fifth amendment plead the 13th or the 18th Instead.
Bonus points if you can do any of these without getting hit over the head with a
nightstick.
Double bonus if you can do all of these without getting the death penalty.
Raggedy Ann
Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and told him to lie to her.
How To Be Annoying (A Guide)
* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to
others that you ''like it that way.''
* Drum on every available surface.
* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
* Staple papers in the middle of the page.
* Ask 800 operators for dates.
* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
* Specify that your drive-through order is ''to go.''
* Set alarms for random times.
* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
* Honk and wave to strangers.
* Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
* Tape pieces of ''Sweating to the Oldies'' over climactic parts of rental
movies. * Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complementary mints by the cash register.
* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
* only type in lowercase.
* dont use any punctuation either.
* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
* Pay for your dinner with pennies.
* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: ''Do you hear that?''
''What?'' ''Never mind, it's gone now.''
* Light road flares on a birthday cake.
* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
When nearly done, announce ''No, wait, I messed it up!'' and repeat.
* Drive half a block.
* Name your dog ''Dog.''
* Ask people what gender they are.
* Reply to everything someone says with ''That's what YOU think.''
* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the
tray.
* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a ''real
hoot''.
* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't
want to fall off ''in case the big one comes''.
* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can
of Lysol.
* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as
''Feliz Navidad'', the Archies' ''Sugar'' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the
phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they
slow down.
* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along
to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
* Wear a LOT of cologne.
* Ask to ''interface'' with someone.
* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your ''superior mental processing.''
* Sing along at the opera.
* Mow your lawn with scissors.
* At a golf tournament, chant ''swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!''
* Finish all your sentences with the words ''in accordance with prophesy.''
* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a
notebook. Mutter something about ''psychological profiles.''
* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a ''magic picture''.
* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
* Never make eye contact.
* Never break eye contact.
* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
* Construct elaborate ''crop circles'' in your front lawn.
* Construct your own pretend ''tricorder'' and ''scan'' people with it,
announcing the results.
* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cossell voice.
* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
* Make appointments for the 31st of September.
* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
* Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.
Who Runs the Human Body?
In the human body, which organ is in charge?
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in
charge.
The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so
without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate
oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all
of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste
removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the
stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave
in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
Three Explorers Are Captured...
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were
captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief
comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're
going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the
Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he
points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and
screams, "What are you doing???"
The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Obviously Nuts
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap.
The psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'' '