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I own the fastest car
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a
2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it
runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a
red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next
to him.
The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks "What kind
of car ya got there, sonny?".
The dude replies "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.
The old man asks "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure" replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on
his moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"
Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car
can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly,
the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as
fast!
The guy wonders "what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?"
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the
moped! Couldn't be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep?
Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!
WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car,
demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the
old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks
"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on
your car!"
The very bad accident
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection.
One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like
a nip to calm your nerves." "Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the
container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey. "Well,
I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been
here."
New airbag in Detroit
GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES NEW INSTANT-WIN AIRBAGS DETROIT--
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11
percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest
Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the
company's 1997 cars.
"Auto accidents have never been so exciting," said GM vice-president of
marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales
significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next
fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or
a year's worth of free Mobil gasoline."
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is
already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive.
"As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh,
boy, this could be it--I could be a big winner!'" said Cincinnati's Martin
Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were
driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck.
"When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but
all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I
could read that airbag!" "It's really addictive," said Sacramento, CA, resident
Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical
condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung.
"I've already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I
still haven't won. I swear, I'm going to win those tickets--even if it kills
me!" Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new
Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree.
GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. "In
the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and that's understandable. After all,
they're scary and dangerous and, sometimes, even fatal," GM CEO Paul Offerman
said. "But now, when you drive a new GM car or truck, your next serious crash
could mean serious cash.
Who wouldn't like that?" Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a
prize but is killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin. According to
GM's official contest rules, odds of winning the grand prize, a brand-new 1997
Cutlass Supreme, are 1 in 43,000,000.
Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are significantly
worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious car accident in the
first place--approximately 1 in 720,000--the actual odds of winning a prize each
time you step in your car are more like 1 in 31 trillion."
Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee the airbag will
inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in my new Chevy Cavalier,"
said Erie, PA, resident Jerry Polaner. "My car was totaled, and because it was
the side of my car that got hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really
gets me is the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of
his 1997 Buick Regal, won a $100 Office Depot gift certificate. That's just
wrong."
Save the dead rabbit
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across
the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver,
being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the
road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and
pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came
to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50
feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down
the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was
astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray
can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What
did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
Working on the road
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank,
he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola
and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a
hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind
and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25
feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the
soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing
the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here
with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and
wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the
hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't
work, does it?"
Do this while driving
Strange and silly things to do while driving. We do not advise doing
any of the below "things to do while driving", as all driving should be taken
seriously. The below "things to do while driving" are simply here for
entertainment purposes.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of
fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks
like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving
alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof.
Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene
gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking
them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the
window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
Stop and collect roadkill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out
and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
Arguing about the sign
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop
sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing
for traffic.
What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching the intersection.
The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please."
Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for,
man."
Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!"
Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!"
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the
man's head and shoulders.
Policeman: "Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?
Touring South America
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest
jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The
tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the
guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding
great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise
figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years
old, and that was three years ago"
Crossing the border
While crossing the US-Mexican border on his bicycle, the man was
stopped by a guard who pointed to two sacks the man had on his shoulders.
"What's in the bags?", asked the guard.
"Sand," said the cyclist.
"Get them off - we'll take a look," said the guard.
The Cyclist did as he was told, emptied the bags, and proving they contained
nothing but sand, reloaded the bags, put them on his shoulders and continued
across the border.
Two weeks later, the same thing happened. Again the guard demanded to see the
two bags, which again contained nothing but sand. This went on every week for
six months, until one day the cyclist with the sand bags failed to appear.
A few days later, the guard happened to meet the cyclist downtown. "Say friend,
you sure had us crazy", said the guard. "We knew you were smuggling something
across the border. I won't say a word - but what is it you were smuggling?"
"Bicycles!"
Cop wants an excuse
A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above
the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view
mirror. He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.
The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.
Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and
gives up. He pulls over to the curb.
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down
and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go
home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."
The man thought for a moment and said... "Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with
a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that
you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!"
Your wife just fell out
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
"Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?" To which
the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Confuse traffic signs
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway
you're on!
Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and
trembling.
Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're
shaking something terrible.
Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.
Just cut your hair first
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license
and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school,
keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a
few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report
card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping
my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting
me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he
went."
Where is this place?
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the
country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange
spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the
counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place.
Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
Were you drinking?
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of
the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice
your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Avoiding a big object
Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for
reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain
large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to
have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
A driving school test
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given
by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same
time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.