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Top ten indicators that a
redneck has been working on your computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Huntin".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
The top ten signs that your
co-worker is a computer hacker
10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"
4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.
3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons
2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
Fifty fun things to do during an
exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The
following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake
up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a
few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret
documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can
hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to
the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all
semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief.
Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and
run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're
really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one.
Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar
as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on
the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your
next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they
are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the
exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell
him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head
when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a
white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they
drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class
is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one
way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like
history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're
getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please
use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask
for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper.
Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything
you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree
angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible
Teacher"
Reasons to stay at work all
night
1. Act out your version of a company takeover.
2. Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3. Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office
buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4. Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the
morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did this
to such beautiful works of art".
6. Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7. Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will come so you can
have someone to talk to.
8. Leave prank messages on the CEO's voice mail.
9. Finally, a chance to live out a dream and pretend to be your boss.
10. Elevator surfing!
The top ten reasons why the
television is better than the World Wide Web
10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV
channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404"
message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction"
sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in
the other.
Top ten signs that you are too
drunk
10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the
Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
6. You can focus better with one eye closed.
5. You fall off the floor.
5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.
4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have
forgotten what one looks like.
3. Roseanne looks good.
2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.
1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
University courses for men and
women
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand
each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.
1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. Resistance to Beer
4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)
6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")
9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook
10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You, The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons To Give Flowers
15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please
17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat
18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies
19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary
28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females
understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is
required. 1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag
2. You Can Change The Oil Too
4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football
8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other
Than Him To Boss Around
9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop
10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
14. You, The Whining Sex
15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
17. How To Close The Garage Door
18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
26. You Too Can Carry A Backpack
27. Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who Complain
About You The Most
28. Learning To Appreciate The Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
29. Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
30. How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
Books on Tape We Don't Want to
Hear
by Scott Corliss
1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan
2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan
3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior
4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O'Hare
5. Walden as read by James Watt
6. The Anarchist's Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky
7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman
8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes
9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti
10. Mr. Boston's Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy
11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms
12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson
13. The Physician's Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman
15. Uncle Tom's Cabin as read by George Wallace
17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew
18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner
19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson
20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton
21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson
22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter
23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern
24. I'm Ok You're Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh
25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett
26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain
27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon
28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah
29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf
30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown
31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson
32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot
Top Ten Things To Do While
Giving Blood
by Tina Mancuso and Paul Coen
10. Watch the bag fill.
9. Hyperventilate.
8. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
6. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of
your arm before the blood squirts out.
5. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain
they gave you too much Tang.
4. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3. Faint.
2. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
A human's chalkboard assignments
This list of chalkboard assignments may be used for your human when
he does not behave well. The below variations and choices will help you pick an
assignment for him/her.
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me
to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the
right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than
having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for
me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all
times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't
possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether
my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke
the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find
the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave
him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud
puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire
piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be
obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red
suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling come! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees are balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. Give and leave it are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a
Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is
obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy
"chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters
might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm
from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect
Disney World
10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic
Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.
The top ten signs that someone
is using your e-mail account
10. "Honey, why is an 18-wheeler from Amazon.com backing into our
driveway?"
9. One Secret Service agent is sitting on your head while another is slapping
cuffs on you.
8. Apparently, your flame war with [email protected] is about to turn ugly.
7. When you log on, your computer says "You've got lawsuits!"
6. You're suddenly getting more Spam than the Hormel outlet store.
5. Sotheby's says the Rembrandt is yours and that you now owe them $71,000,000
and change.
4. You now have 130,000 ClubTop5 subscriptions and the list moderator is on the
cover of Business Week.
3. Terse "Knock it off, Oedipus" e-mail from your Mom.
2. Your wife calls you at the office to report that Pogdi, your Pakistani
mail-order bride, has arrived.
1. "The resistance welcomes your involvement. Your contact information has been
forwarded to a local insurgent who will bring supplies and reinforcements to you
immediately."
Top ten signs you bought a bad
computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous
paperweight collection.