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Golf Fatality
A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies'
teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and
taken to the morgue.
The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head
caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there
a golf ball in her rectum?"
"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."
Sexual Olympics
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the
sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or
bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
Mommy & "Uncle" Frank
It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when
he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing
machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and
knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's
just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then
she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that
last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
Golf Balls and G-Spots
What's the difference between a girl's G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend hours looking for the golf ball!
Golf Genie
A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the
third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the
ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass
window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered
it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what
happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The
husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a
small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see
there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and
the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for
the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of
$1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I
have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch
golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have
you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"
To which she replied, "31 years old"
The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"
Redneck Track & Field
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
Dirt Field
Q: Why do the Dallas Cowboys now play on dirt?
A: Because Leon Lett smoked all the grass and sniffed all the lines.
Golf On The Sly
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions
overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love
all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around
8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes
outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless
complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with
my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't
wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"
Bullfight Buffet
A man goes to Spain and attends a bullfight. Afterwards he goes to a nearby
restaurant and orders the specialty of the day. The waiter brings him two very
big balls on a huge plate, which the tourist eats with relish.
The next day he goes to the same restaurant again, once again orders the
specialty of the day, and he is brought two very big balls on a huge plate. It
tastes even more scrumptious.
The third day he does the same and the fourth, but on the fifth day he goes to
the restaurant and orders the specialty of the day, and they bring him two very
small balls on a big plate. The man asks, "What gives?"
And the waiter says, "Senor, the bullfighter doesn't always win!"
Corporate America
The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is
basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your
balls are.
Golfing in the Woods
Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament?
A: Tiger Woods.
Hoshimota
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The
whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He
can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker
to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with
his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is
congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him
"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
Baseball Heaven?
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and
talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do
you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal:
if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and
if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon
afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a
voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
Would You Marry Again, Scummy?
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, "Honey, if I died
would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said, "I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
And the man replied, "No, she's left handed."
NASCAR Samaritans
There were three NASCAR fans on their way to a race, when they see an accident
on the side of the road so they pull over! They go to help the victim, but they
realize she is naked, so they take off their hats. The first guy was a Earnhardt
fan, and put his hat over her left breast. The second guy was a Elliot fan, and
put it over her right breast!! The last guy was a Gordon fan, and put his hat
over her crotch.
When the police arrived, the officer looks at the girl and goes to evaluate. He
first picks up the Earnhardt hat, puts it back down and writes something down.
He does the same with the Elliot hat. Then he picks up the Gordon hat and puts
it down then picks it up again. He does this several times until the Gordon fan
says, "What are you? Some kind of pervert?"
The officer replies, "No, I just usually find an asshole under one of these
hats."
The Golfer
The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met
for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00
Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be
10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed
and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but he may be
10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins
the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with Geoge always saying that
he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either
left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the
deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes
late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left
handed, and always win. What is up with that?''
George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday
when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I
golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on
her back?'' George replies, ''Then I am 10 minutes late.''
Red Sox Humor
Three fans are walking to Fenway Park for the Red Sox-Yankees playoff series,
when they see a foot sticking out of some bushes. An inspection revealed a
dead-drunk naked woman. One man placed his Orioles baseball cap on her right
breast. The Red Sox fan placed his cap on her left breast, and the Yankee fan
put his over her crotch. They then called the police.
The cop lifted up the Orioles cap, and made a few notes. He then lifted the Red
Sox cap and made more notes. Then he lifted the Yankees cap, put it down, lifted
it again and put it down. When he lifted it the third time the Yankee fan said,
''What are you doing? Are you some kind of pervert, or what?'' The cop said, I
was just confused, usually when I see a Yankee cap, there's an asshole under
it.''
Redneck Soccer
You know your a redneck if you're playing soccer and you say ''I hit my two best
balls today... with a rake.''
Desert Island Rescue
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl
swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the
arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet
suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long
has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
10 Things In Golf That Sound
Dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.