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Burger joint conversations
nationwide
M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."
Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
"Have some fries."
Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."
Swarthmore: "I got a B."
"Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries."
Princeton: "My father took away my Porsche this weekend."
"Poor dear. Have some Escargot."
Harvard: "Did you do anything this weekend?"
"Nope. Have some fries."
Williams: "Don't I know you?"
"Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."
Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
"Bummer. Have some fries."
Columbia: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's go get shot."
Penn: "I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school."
"Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."
Stanford: "Dude, I have so much work this weekend."
"Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries."
Dartmouth: "Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend."
"Have some beer."
Tufts: "I wish I were Ivy League."
"Here, drink the fry grease."
Spoofs on college names
In each of these examples, the actual name of the college is written
first. Then, after each, spoofs are written about each college name.
Auburn University.
Brown University.
Chrome Yellow University.
Neon Pink University.
Northern Illinois University.
Southern Illinois University.
Eastern Illinois University.
Western Illinois University.
Northeastern Illinois University.
Northwestern Illinois University.
Southeastern Illinois University.
Southwestern Illinois University.
North-by-Northwestern Illinois University.
Yale University.
Cole University.
Weiser University.
Kwikset University.
Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.
King's College.
Queen's College.
Jack's College (formerly Knave's College).
Ten's College.
Ace's College.
Texas A&I University.
Texas A&M University.
North Carolina A&T University.
Tennessee C&W University.
Michigan R&B University.
New Jersey M&M University.
San Francisco S&M University.
Governors State University.
Lieutenant-Governors State University.
Secretaries of State State University.
State Comptrollers State University.
University of Tennessee Space Institute.
University of Southwestern Arkansas Cosmic Realms Institute.
Elroy Jetson Space Magic Institute.
Lawrence Livermore National Labs.
Lawrence Berkeley National Labs.
Lawrence Olivier National Labs.
Lawrence of Arabia National Labs.
Lawrence Welk National Labs.
Argonne National Labs.
Kryptonne National Labs.
Xenonne National Labs.
Radonne National Labs.
Concordia University.
Discordia University.
Misericordia University.
University of Wisconsin - Madison.
University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee.
University of Wisconsin - River Falls.
University of Wisconsin - Stout.
University of Wisconsin - Porter.
University of Wisconsin - Malt Liquor.
University of Wisconsin - Night Train.
University of Wisconsin - Everclear.
Purdue University.
Louis Rich University.
Hormel University.
Oscar Mayer University.
Drexel University.
Ethan Allen University.
Seidel University.
La-Z-Boy University.
George Washington University.
James Madison University.
Chester A. Arthur University.
Millard Fillmore University.
Spiro T. Agnew University.
J. Danforth Quayle University.
McMaster University.
McSlave University.
McTop University.
McBottom University.
Wright State University.
Wrong State University.
Altered State University.
UnState University.
Out of State University.
McGill University.
McScale University.
McFin University.
McTail University.
McOperculum University.
McNeese State University.
McNeffew State University.
McAuntt State University.
McUnccle State University.
Seton Hall University.
Seton Vestibule University.
Seton Bathroom University.
Seton Bedroom University.
Sam Houston State University.
Sam Walton State University.
Sam I Am State University.
Son of Sam State University.
South Dakota School of Mines and Technology.
Colorado School of Mines.
Wyoming School of Ditches.
Montana School of Holes in the Ground.
BU.
BYU.
NYU.
BYOB.
Clemson University.
Jebson University.
Abnerson University.
DaisyMaeson University.
Clarkson University.
Loisson University.
Jimmyson University.
Stephen F. Austin State University.
Steve Austin State University.
Bionic Woman State University.
Tufts University.
Locks University.
Bald Spot University.
Tulane University.
Forlane University.
Atelane University.
Baruch College.
The Weizmann Institute.
Hofstra University.
Brandeis University.
Carasso University.
Emory University.
Nail Clippor University.
Polish Removor University.
Fordham University.
Chryslerporkshoulder University.
Generalmotorspigsfeet University.
Universite' de Montre'al.
Universite' Laval.
Universite' Trudeau.
Universite' Mulroney.
University of Central Florida.
University of EPCOT Center.
University of Disney World.
Bowie State University.
Butcher State University.
Ginsu State University.
Swiss Army State University.
Angelo State University.
Giuseppe State University.
Mario State University.
Cosa Nostra State University.
Mitsubishi Information Technology Labs.
NEC Research Institute.
Florida Atlantic University.
Florida Pacific University.
Florida Indian University.
Florida Arctic University.
Carnegie Mellon University.
Carnegie Cucummber University.
Carnegie Zucchinni University.
College of William and Mary.
College of Bonnie and Clyde.
College of George and Gracie.
College of Frankie and Johnny.
College of Jimmy and Rosalyn.
College of Ronnie and Nancy.
College of Andy and Fergie.
Cornell University.
Wheatell University.
Barleyell University.
Buckwheatell University.
Dartmouth University.
Dartnostril University.
Dartrectum University.
Duke University.
Viscount University.
Baronet University.
Knight University.
Commoner University.
Ferris State University.
Roller Coaster State University.
Florida International University.
Florida National University.
Florida State University.
Florida County University.
Florida Local University.
Florida Neighborhood University.
Florida Backyard University.
Florida Garage University.
Grand Valley State University.
Small Valley State University.
Piffling Little Valley State University.
Large Flood Plain State University.
Hunter College.
Fisherman College.
Camper College.
Backpacker College.
Lehigh University.
Lelow University.
Leinbetween University.
Colgate University.
Crest University.
Gleem University.
Close-Up University.
Pearl Drops Tooth Polish University.
Nova University.
Duster University.
Pinto University.
Super Beetle University.
Old Dominion University.
New Dominion University.
Dominions, Principalities, and Powers University.
Mark-Jason Dominionus University.
IBM T. J. Watson Research Center.
IBM T. J. Hooker Research Center.
IBM J. T. Kirk Research Center.
Southern Methodist University.
Southern Baptist University.
Primitive Baptist University.
Holy Roller University.
Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Daisy-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Delphinium-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Chrysanthemum-Hulman Institute of Technology.
Our Lady of the Angels College.
Our Lady of the Elms College.
Our Lady of the Night College.
Prentiss Normal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Industrial Institute.
Prentiss Abnormal and Interior Decoration Institute.
Grinnell College.
Smilell College.
Smirkell College.
Dalhousie University.
Sandboxie University.
Playgroundequipmentie University.
Simon Fraser University.
Simon Magus University.
Simon Templar University.
Simon Legree University.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Dominican College.
Illinois Trappist College.
Illinois Carthusian College.
Illinois Benedictine College.
Illinois Benedictine and Brandy College.
Illinois Drambuie College.
Illinois Grand Marnier College.
Kent State University.
Winston State University.
Marlboro State University.
Camel Wides State University.
College of Wooster.
College of Jeeves.
College of Pinker.
College of Fink-Nottle.
Villanova University.
Bossa Nova University.
Chevy Nova University.
Slippery Rock State College.
Crocodile Rock State College.
Jailhouse Rock State College.
Rock Around the Clock State College.
Go Crawl Under a Rock State College.
Smith College.
Jones College.
John Doe College.
John Q. Public College.
Sarah Lawrence College.
Sarah Bernhardt College.
Sarah Jane Smith College.
Sara Lee College.
Holy Apostles College.
Holy Names College.
Holy Family College.
Holy Toledo College.
Sweet Briar College.
Sweet and Sour Briar College.
Twice Cooked Briar College.
Szechwan Briar With Hot Bean Curd and Crispy Noodles College.
Grambling State University.
Smroking State University.
Drrinking State University.
Whroring State University.
Creighton University.
Cardboard Bachson University.
Shipping Contaigneron University.
Mailing Tyoobon University.
Worcester Polytechnic Institute.
Teriyaki Polytechnic Institute.
Soy Polytechnic Institute.
A-1 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Heinz 57 Steak Polytechnic Institute.
Case Western Reserve University.
Case Eastern Loquacity University.
Case Southern Charm University.
Case Midwestern Folksiness University.
Tuskegee Institute.
Hornegee Institute.
Antleregee Institute.
Oberlin College.
Oberkellner College.
Oberkommando College.
Oberbuergermeister College.
Millikin University.
Rutherferd University.
Schroedingor University.
Einsteen University.
Bowling Green State University.
Bowling Alley State University.
Bowling Pin State University.
Bowling Jacket State University.
Bowling Shoes State University.
Bowling Trophy State University.
Bob Jones University.
Bob Hope University.
Bob Barker University.
Bob Newhart University.
Bob Evans Restaurant University.
J. R. "Bob" Dobbs University.
Open Bible College.
Closed Bible College.
Open Just a Crack Bible College.
Liberty Baptist College.
Equality Baptist College.
Fraternity Baptist College.
French Revolutionary Baptist College.
Terrible world history
The following is a "history" collected by teachers throughout the
United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot of incorrect information.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the
inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so areas of the dessert are cultivated by
irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular
cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,
Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. On of their children,
Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob
was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did
not take it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. Soloman,
one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of
columns - Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female
moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx
until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer
also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses
endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They
killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, the threw
the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens
was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no
wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to
see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the
Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because
they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore
garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would turture his poor subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in
the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of
Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In medevil time most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the
time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and versus and also wrote literature.
Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while
standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello's interes in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot
clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking
difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her
troops, they all shouted, "hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the
Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest write of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never
made much money and is only famous because of his plays. He lived at Windsor
with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies and errors. In one of
Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself
in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tried to convince Macbeth to kill
the Kind by attack his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.
Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator
who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called
the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean,
and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they
were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops
before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the
Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal
for them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died
and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their
tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without
stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over
stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the
colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the
Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his
clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse devided against
itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our
Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep
bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest president. Lincoln's mother died in
infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When
Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is
strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the
ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the
ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was
John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented
electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Graity was invented by Isaac
Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off
trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from
1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone
was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished
before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French
Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic Wars, the
crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. The the Spanish gorillas
came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill
with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear
children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat
on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life
were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended
her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The
invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus
McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for
rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.
Fifty fun things to do during an
exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The
following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake
up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a
few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret
documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left
nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can
hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to
the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all
semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max
level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the
grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief.
Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and
run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're
really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one.
Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and
nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar
as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on
the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your
next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be
persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they
are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat,
continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start
commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a
multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that
whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the
exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell
him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head
when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a
white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they
drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class
is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim
that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't
really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one
way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a
written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like
history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're
getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please
use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask
for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before
concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper.
Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything
you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree
angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to
stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you,
challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during
finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible
Teacher"
Fifty ways to add confusion to
dining halls
by Robert Chen
You should not attempt any these things. The following is meant for
entertainment purposes only.
1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Sip some soda up and spray it on
the person next to you. Pretend nothing happened.
2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in,
harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new
ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn
to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish] fly
like that before?"
5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a
simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream
sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he or
she refuses, punch them and proceed to make this meal yourself.
7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at
everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not. Complain
how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then dump your
dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be cheaper to buy
new dishes than to wash the old ones.
8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer.
Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then
"involuntarily" drool.
9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your
clothes and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
10. Complain how cold it is in the dining hall--to every person in the dining
hall.
11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your meat
with them and pretend not to notice.
12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain that
it goes too fast.
13. Burp to the tune of Jingle Bells.
14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food, yell,
"Hey!" and shake your head.
15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time you
saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the person next
to you to be your Food Tester.
16. Enter the dining hall half naked. If you're not immediately removed from the
premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying their
meal.
17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake
your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights
too?!"
18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.
19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you
received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to the
server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and proceed to
make a scene.
20. Same as above, but with burgers.
21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try some."
22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while giving
everyone an evil eye.
23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain, weightlift
them.
24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my gosh! It's still alive!" Grab your knife
and start hacking at the meat.
26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall, stuff
them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall, but on the
way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
27. Practice singing.
28. Randomly stop people from eating and try to convince them that their food is
poisoned.
29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.
30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically. Explain
how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have
some peanuts."
33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food
alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you
should put orange juice under "o" or "j."
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid to
speak while your mouth is full.
35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the
cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too much
milk.
36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"
37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.
38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then
announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Froot Loop. If
they refuse, tell them that they're not real Froot Loop eaters.
39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything
unfinished.
40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please."
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating. Inform
them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Spill your drink and tray on a person and run off.
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death.
44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment on how
nice everyone's shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain
how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve and
proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and remove the
shattered glass from your partner's food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how terrible the virus is that you have. Proceed
to cough and sneeze on everyone's food.
48. Speak of some disgusting topic while everyone is eating.
49. Request a waitress.
50. Comment on how good the food is.