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Guns and Rednecks
Guns don't kill people. Dumb-ass, shit-for-brains, rednecks with no jobs kill
people.
Texan Poetry
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family;
well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a
redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in
one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the
clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The
clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last
few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
Newlywed Redneck
You could be a redneck if you were just married and you have nothing but empty
Skoal cans strung from your bumper as you leave the church.
You Might Be A Redneck
If...Bluebook
You might be a redneck if the Bluebook value of your truck changes with the
amount of gas you have in it!
Redneck Hitchiker
A truck driver was driving down the highway when he sees a priest hitchhiking on
the road. He stops to pick up the priest, but he has a few misgivings about
giving him a ride; usually when the driver sees a redneck on the road, he hits
them -- with a priest in the truck, he'd have to swerve. But the driver decides
to pick up the priest.
A little while later, he comes across a redneck hitchhiking. He decides to just
swerve and let this one live when, all of a sudden he hears a "BOOM!" The driver
looks over at the priest, who says, "Don't worry -- I got him with the door."
Redneck Death
What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...
David's Brother David
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her,
"How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she
answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from
playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running
in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Redneck Track & Field
You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
Redneck Honeymoon
A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into
a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and
whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't
good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
Redneck Driver's License
Application
Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Redneck On Vacation
You might be a redneck if you have ever vacationed in a highway rest area.
Redneck Baby
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart
shoppers."
Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,
"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would
say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Redneck Drivers
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right
before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''
In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Survivor for Alabamans
With the overwhelming response to the CBS hit "Survivor", Alabamans have made
their own version.
Contestants are given pink car to drive from Dothan, to Birmingham, on to
Decatur, and back to Dothan. On each car is a bumper sticker that says, "I'm
gay, I'm a yankee, and I'm here to steal your guns!" First one back wins.
Christmas in West Virginia
Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.
When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.
The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.
When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!
More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.
Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!
From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!
I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.
He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.
His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.
The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.
He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.
He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.
He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.
When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.
He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!
Montana Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the
supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in
ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the
podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’
Nutty Hunters
Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting
for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be
quiet!" he said.
"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear
attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said,
'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."
Redneck Name Tag
You know you married a redneck when she fills out her family reunion name tag,
“Four for a Dollar.”