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Question and answer Clinton jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have in
common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "I'm about to hurt you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two--One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure
the issues.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None--He'll only promise "change."
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to
pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special
interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they can't afford any more pork.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: They've been having turkey for years.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: No fee--If No Recovery!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land
first?
A: Who cares!
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and
the boat capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service would be out-gunned!
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to commemorate President
Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two--one to screw the bulb into the water faucet while the other tells us
that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that
the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that.
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose.
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs.
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician?
A: Chelsea.
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous
for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against his
critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before Clinton
commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides to go play a round of
golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess. The last
time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to two.
Q: Who would become President of the U.S.A if the President died?
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb? A: He doesn't. He whines a while,
says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light
security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making
lightbulbs free. Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he
had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the White house with a plane was
insane? A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in his own bedroom at
night. Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You idiot! I told you to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton made want to convert
Russia to the type of government they have in America?
A: "Never! I'm not going to let my wife run the country!!"
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One--she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55.
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He is stupid!
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R.
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the
president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade six.
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets defense,
what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint takes
effect?
A: Everything's $100.
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the war.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5 years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to destroy a light bulb?
A: None. They only know how to destroy the taxpayers.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar.
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White
House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared everyone
to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad neighborhood.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Highway 50 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the
Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill
Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not finishing
what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning to
go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing form...democracy.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway.
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260,000,000 people.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist.
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as
half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy.
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend four hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising chicken
who smoked pot.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not
knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and did it all on
borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust.
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of
chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, tar-and-feathers yellow chicken.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was too cheap to buy his a present!
Q: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
A: A snow job.
Q: What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A: No Job.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it never tells the same story twice!
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
A: Nothing . . . yet.
Q: Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
A: So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
Q: What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
A: If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your
family--you're happy.
The exact same answer for each
This simple three question test illustrates how often Bill Clinton
must be telling lies.
1. Is the Pope catholic?
2. Does Windows have bugs?
3. Does Clinton lie?
Clinton administration medical
dictionary
Acute: Opposite of an ugly
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door of a cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do to dead patients
Benign: What you are after you're eight.
Bowel: Letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat scan: Searching for a kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section: Neighborhood in Rome
Colic: A sheep dog
Concussion: A prisoner's sofa
Congenital: To be friendly
D & C: Where the White House is
Dilate: To live too long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker
Fibula: A small lie
GI series: A soldier ball game
Hangnail: A coat hook
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Jaundice: To include in a group
Kinesthetics: Relationships among relatives
Labor pain: Getting hurt at work
Leper: A wild cat
Malaria: Shopping place
Medical staff: A doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher bid
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: Was aware of
Outpatient: A person who fainted
Pelvis: A cousin of Elvis
Post-operative: A letter carrier
Recovery room: A place used for upholstery work.
Rectum: It almost killed him
Rheumatic: Amorous
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: A Roman emperor
Serology: Study of English Knighthood
Tablet: A small table
Terminal illness: Getting sick at the airport
Tumor: More than one
Urine: Opposite of you're out
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited
Clinton one-liners
Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
"Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated."
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.
It's the spending stupid!
If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!
Clinton in 1996--NOT!!
I'm not Fonda Clinton
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn't vote.
Voter: "The joke's over, bring back Bush."
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The
Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, "I
don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a
choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what
shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time...?" Bill
Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It's called
"Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's hand down
during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the Haitians had
better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So
far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when he is really
a "yes ma'am."
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of
either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in
four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a
draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest leaders:
Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in Asia are just
like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be covered. The
bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his pitches are
high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in
the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care
won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the
taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary tells a joke,
it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible
way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never
tells the same story twice!
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton--he sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I care if he
evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.
A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like
Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't enough to make it look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets
any worse"
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is?
"Socialism"
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest"
democrat.
On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton
had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break!
So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and Bush's
promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and
Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits
all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks
for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their
blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and
Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks
are gambling with our money!
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton
is elected president." -- George Bush
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the
house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country." -- MTV News
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job.
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs.
One Target: Big Corporations"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think
they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected
President.
Election night
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical
care is a frill.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function
for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have to worry
about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's draft dodging
back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development
Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
I don't trust President Clinton or her husband.
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
Bill Clinton virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the
shores of Cuba.
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of
evidence they have." -- Al Gore
President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I
lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues." --
George Bush
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
After seeing footage from the new movie "The Lion King," I want to dedicate a
movie to Bill Clinton. I'd like to call it "The Lion President."
Acronyms for Clinton and his
adminsitration
Clinton: (C)razed (L)ow-class (I)diot (N)ow (T)aking (O)ver (N)ation
Clinton: (C)razy (L)iberal (I)ntent (O)n (N)eedlessly (T)rashing (O)ur (N)ation
Clinton: (C)learly (L)oose (I)nternal (N)avigation (T)echniques (O)ccupy (N)ever-Neverland
Clinton: (C)ompulsive (L)iar (I)s (N)ation's (T)op (O)fficial (N)ow
Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation
Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies
Gore: (G)ennifer's (O)nly (R)emaining (E)nterprise
Gore: (G)reatly (O)riented to (R)adical (E)cology
Gore: (G)reat (O)ne (R)egulating (E)verything
Decoding the speeches of Bill
Clinton
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be
added as the President's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach meaning
to words, it's symbolism that is important.
All - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices to restore
America's economic health.
Ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking: legislating.
Campaign promise - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise.
Change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true meaning,
"contribution". (noun) That portion of your income that will now be heading to
Washington, As: The change we are asking for is necessary if we are to restore
America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number one in the world.
Contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington believes it
can make better use of than you. This '90s term is designed to make you feel
good while Uncle Sam picks your pocket. Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh.
don't say the T word out loud, it's not politically correct).
Courage - Ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard to
personal safety or welfare. As: America had the courage to elect Bill Clinton as
president.
First lady - This term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
Middle class - That portion of society whose range of income extends from the
end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy. Also known as the mule class or
the "burdened" class.
Poor - What the middle class becomes after it makes its contribution.
Sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to make your
contribution. as: We must sacrifice for the good of all. Formerly known as
socialism, it has proven itself effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania
and the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens of these nations to see the
effect.
Spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will help you
make these by asking you to have the courage to make your contribution. as:
Increased contributions must be balanced by the appropriate spending cuts.
We - You, me, us, them. As: You know we must sacrifice for the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above, they are not part of we.
Wealthy - Anyone making $1.00 a year more than you (elected officials are
exempt). This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce Secretary, Ron
Brown, "made out like bandits during the '80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby
himself during that time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations. Of course now he is
just a humble "servant" of the people.
Clinton bumper stickers
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
Clinton and Gore,
Gone in four!
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Impeach Clinton!
And her husband, too!
Find out who is in control
At a recent interview, it seems that Bill Clinton broke out in rage
after being asked a line of questions about him being controlled.
Interviewer: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Here is a free puppy
The President is running down the street one day, and he sees a
little girl who is giving away puppies that her dog just had.
He goes up to the girl and says, "Little girl, I think that it's wonderful that
you're doing such a good thing."
The little girl says, "Thank you, Mr. Clinton. Would you like a puppy? They're
Democrats."
Bill declines and jogs onward. The next day Billy jogs past the same girl and
decides to talk to her again. "You know what, little girl? I think I'll take one
of those puppies after all, seeing as how they're Democrats."
The girl says, "I'm sorry Mr. Clinton, but they're not Democrats any more.
They're Republican now."
Bill says, "They are? How do you know? As a matter of fact, how did you know
that they were Democrats at first to begin with?"
She says, "Well, just after they were born they were Democrats, but now their
eyes are open."
Candidate Clinton vs. President
Clinton
Candidate Bill Clinton: Cut taxes for middle class
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise them
Candidate Bill Clinton: Vowed not to tamper with Social Security
President Bill Clinton: Wants to tax more SS benefits
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed energy tax cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants energy tax increases
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed he had the ability to raise $45 billion by
making foreign corporations pay their fair share of U.S. taxes
President Bill Clinton: Modified and lowered his figure to only $11 billion
Candidate Bill Clinton: Proposed Medicare payment cut of only $4.4 billion and
ran ads attacking Bush for recommending more cuts
President Bill Clinton: Wants at least $34 billion in Medicare cuts
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised a guarenteed college education for anyone
wanting one
President Bill Clinton: Proposing to spend $98 million--it will only cover 4,800
students in the freshman class at the University of Maryland
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised 10% income surtax on millionaires
President Bill Clinton: Wants to impose the surtax on those with taxable incomes
greater than $250,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Would raise income taxes on families with incomes
greater than $200,000
President Bill Clinton: Wants to raise income taxes on families with incomes
greater than $30,000
Candidate Bill Clinton: Claimed to be able to reduce the deficit by taxing rich,
foreigners, and corporate polluters
President Bill Clinton: Said he cannot reduce the deficit without taxing the
elderly, motorists, and farmers
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised workers he would require their employers to pay
for retraining
President Bill Clinton: Put that idea on hold
Candidate Bill Clinton: Promised to increase minimum wage
President Bill Clinton: Wants to keep the wage the same
Candidate Bill Clinton: Attacked Bush's policy of sending illegal Haitians back
to Haiti
President Bill Clinton: Decided to maintain Bush's policy on Haiti.
Candidate Clinton, campaign ad, January 1992
"I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving again....It starts
with a tax cut on the middle class."
Candidate Clinton, Jan. 12, 1992
"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is
central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic
strategy."
President-elect Clinton, Jan 14, 1993
"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystify me, the press
thought the most important issue in the race was the middle class tax cut. I
never did meet any voter who thought that."
President Clinton, first Oval Office address, Feb. 15, 1993
"I had hoped to invest in your [the middle class's] future...without asking more
of you. And I've worked harder than I've ever worked in my life to meet that
goal. But I can't."
Candidate Clinton, last presidential debate, Lansing Mich., Oct. 19, 1992
"The real mistake he [President Bush] made was the 'read my lips' promise in the
first place. You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if
you know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."
President-elect Clinton, press conference, Jan. 14, 1993
"We have a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think
I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."
The search for intelligent life
Captain Kirk and an away team, searching for intelligent life on
other planets, traveled down to Earth after going through a time disturbance
cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's inaugural
ball.
After looking around, Kirk says: "Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent
life down on this one."
The Presidential watches
A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a
watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why there are no
hands. The sales clerk says--"you are suppose to read his lips".
He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and notices that it isn't
running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it doesn't run, it runs, it
doesn't run . . ."
He then notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much.
The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax
. . ."
Hillary goes to heaven
Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter
approached her and says "Hillary, I know you're 'somebody' down on Earth, but up
here, you're just another person. And, I'm swamped right now, so have a seat and
I'll get back with you as soon as I can."
So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge
wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions
and millions of clocks. She can't help notice that on occasion some of the
clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.
When St. Peter returns she asks "What's the deal with the clocks?"
St. Peter replies "There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth."
Hillary asks, "Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?"
St. Peter replies, "That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just
committed adultery."
Hillary asks, "Well, is my husband's clock on the wall?"
St. Peter replies, "Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for
an electric fan."
Clinton's wish for world peace
Clinton is on the beach at Martha's Vinyard and finds that an old
bottle has washed ashore. When the Prez opens it a very wan Genie snakes out.
Genie: Hi Bill. I'm a very weak genie, so I can only grant you one wish--it had
better be easy if you want me to do it.
Clinton: I pray for world peace. Give me that.
Genie: That's a little hard, give me something easier.
Clinton: Make Hillary into the most beautiful woman in the world?
Genie: World peace it is.
The new McClinton burger
Did you hear that in response to President Bill Clinton's habit of
dropping in on the local McDonalds, the McDonald's national management has
announced a commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, you never get the fries you
were originally promised, and it's got half the meat.