HOME
What Is Politics?
Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?
Father: Sure, son. What's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Father: Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's
call me “Tony Blair.” Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call
her “Gordon Brown.” We take care of your needs, so we'll call you “the People.”
We'll call the maid “the Working Class,” and your baby brother we can call “the
Future.” Do you understand, son?
Son: I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was
wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went
to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's
room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.
The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy
returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his
father.
Son: Dad, now I think I understand what politics is.
Father: Good, son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?
Son: Well, dad, while Tony Blair is screwing the Working Class, Gordon Brown is
sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of
shit.
Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating
rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes
at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and
a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then
chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to
in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so
well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her
that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and
stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to
call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the
other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
Moon Talking
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not
only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,"
statement but followed it up with several remarks to the other astronauts and
Mission Control.
Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark,
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a remark concerning some rival Soviet
Cosmonaut.
However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American
space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the
"Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech,
a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he
finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he
could answer the question.
Armstrong explained, "When I was a kid, I was playing baseball with a friend in
the backyard. My friend hit a fly ball that landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. My neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As I leaned
down to pick up the ball, I heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex!
You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the
moon!"
Dubya Quotes
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from
the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,
we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen,
that means we can breathe."
...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this
century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this
century."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy --
but that could change."
...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word
is 'to be prepared'."
...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the
future."
...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a
tremendous impact on history."
...Governor George W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm
commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
...Governor George W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy."
...Governor George W. Bush to reporters
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
...Governor George W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
...Governor George W. Bush
"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer
has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to
blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
...George W. Bush
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush
may or may not make."
...Governor George W. Bush
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the
mistakes we may or may not have made."
...Governor George W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
air and water that are doing it."
...Governor George W. Bush
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
...Governor George W. Bush
Pre-Nuptial Agreements
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador
during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary
that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that
her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him
down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond,
along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his
personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I
buy!"
The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a
more difficult situation.
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the
Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then
called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said,
"Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that
would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After
weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted
his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"
Gary Condit's Pants
Q: Why does Congressman Gary Condit wear pants?
A: To keep his ankles warm!
World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle
repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10
million Afghans!"
Osama = Crabs?
What do Osama bin Laden and crabs have in common?
They both irritate Bush.
Dear God
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it
to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you
note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks
deducted $95.00.
Clinton's sons
Chelsea had the most exciting news. She burst into the room shouting, "Dad! Mom!
I have some great news! Nick asked me to marry him. He is like the biggest hunk
in Washington. We are supposed to get married next month.
Bill took Chelsea in the back and said, "Chelsea, you're mother, although an
ideal administrator and public speaker, has never had much to offer in the sack,
so, as you might have heard, I have been known to fool around with other ladies
on occassion. Your boyfriend Nick happens to be the product of one of my love
making sessions. He is my son and thusly, he is your half-brother."
Chelsea ran out of the office screaming, "Not another brother!"
She rushed to her mother's side, telling her about her all about dad's shameful
behavior and how every man she dated turns out to be one of her father's
illegitimate sons.
Hillary began to laugh and said, "Don't pay any attention to him. He isn't
really your father anyway."
Beverly Hillbilly Bobbitt
(Sing to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John, A poor ex-marine with little
fraction gone, It seems one night after gettin' with the wife, She lopped off
his dong with the swipe of a knife. Penis, that is. Clean cut. Missed his nuts.
Well, the next thing you know, there's a Ginsu by his side, And Lorena's in the
car takin' Willie for a ride. She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend. Curve, that is.
Tossed the nub. In the shrub. She went to the cops and confessed the attack, And
they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back. They sniffed and they
barked and they pointed, 'over there!' To John Wayne's Henry that was waving in
the air. Found, that is. By a fence. Evidence. Now Peter and John couldn't stay
apart too long, So a dick doc said, 'Hey, I can fix that dong!' 'A needle and a
thread is all we're gonna need,' and the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed. Whizzed, that is. Even seam. Straight stream. Well he healed and he
hardened and he took his case to court, With a half-assed lawyer cause his
assets came up short. They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape, And
his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape. Video, that is.
Unexposed. Case closed.
Bush Gets Testy
Q: What did George W. Bush get on his S.A.T.'s?
A: Drool.
Lightbulb... Arkansas
How many Arkansas policemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Clinton does all the screwing!
State Slogans
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Wynot?
Clinton and the Beer Cans
Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing
I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in
it until I die.”
Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her
and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars
in cash.
When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are
for all the times I've cheated on you.”
Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a
politician and traveling and all.”
She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5
million dollars?”
Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the
cans in.”
Genie and the Taliban
Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out walking together
one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you each one wish. That's three wishes total," says the
genie.
The Canadian says, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also
farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.
Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no
infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state."
Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, *POOF* there was a huge wall around
Afghanistan.
"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually
impenetrable."
Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."
Post Turtle President
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked
his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.
The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man
meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post
with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he
doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you
just want to help the
More True-Life Accounts of
Stupidity
Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
"intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting to please
come out and give himself up...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to
drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded
to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his
elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly
told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher." And a student in
Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough
drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance"
policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a
$127,000 home last month -- a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."
And for the Main Course
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2
cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.
The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk
and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and
grabbed him.
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station
with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to
give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and
find the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay
$10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian
police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their next vacation on
Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts.
"Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian
sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon
also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.
Too Well-Educated
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college
degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
And Sometimes They Just Make It Too Easy
Los Angeles Police lucked out with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat
the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not
what I said!"
...Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to
mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently
stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He
was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers
in custody.
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of
America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder
what he uses for a knife?