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Giving sad news to a troop
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram
that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to
see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to
the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report
to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge,
that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a
bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I
just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him
and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen
up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
Requesting a three day pass
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for
a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want
a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I
approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab
tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a
three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"
Giving very odd excuses
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One
finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran
to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought
a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here
so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general
panting, he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed
it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it
dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go,
he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed
it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took
forever to get around them."
Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10,
1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a
collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN
THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15
DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would
personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed
services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all
eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin
brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting
poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his
hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to
the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all
the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man
and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what
do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood
choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can
pile it!"
Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented
arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just
hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just
our medals."
My men are very brave
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his
colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at
the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place,
and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see
they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave,
too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop
that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson
ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."
Speaking with the general
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment,
and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private
snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening,
Sir!"
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening
soldier, nice night, isn't it?"
Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the
General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".
The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I
find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"
The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded
"Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of
dog to train."
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"
The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."
The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"
The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in
this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in
the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.
In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the
theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear
above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march
to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which
occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The
phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the
battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once
every 75 years."
LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:
"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's
comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will
order the comet into the battalion area."
SERGEANT TO SQUAD:
"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General
Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion
area theater in fatigues."
Reward these soldiers for their
work
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their
country in the Falkland Island Crisis.
Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that
had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office.
"Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any
medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were
appreciated.
What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body.
You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those
parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"
Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son,
that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"
Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the
other, sir!"
General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"
Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"
General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!
As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"
Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"
Practical joke on his
ex-girlfriend
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl
wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women
that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note
saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you --
please keep your photo and return the others."
Landing at a hidden military
base
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised
to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the
aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the
Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI
background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and
wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of
his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this
time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is
in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Lease nuclear weapons
Lease a Nuke!
Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be
on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy
bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology
squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?
Lease a nuclear device!
In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of
high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems
going unused.
Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they
are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven
in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective
when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to
acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political,
economic and social well being.
Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on
state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of
nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired
leader even without the secret police's encouragement.
Why lease?
By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology
program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.
Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention
easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary
industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have
to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.
Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most
governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do
you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?
Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of
getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing
conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.
With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on
your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the
high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by
renegade generals in your own army.
The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you
are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change
your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup
d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device
contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual
delivery capability.
The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire
it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.
Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button.
You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN
podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.
Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details
on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.
Dr. Nuketopia,
Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy
(Opinions strictly reflect the party line)
New weapon Chicken Gun
Flash - New Weapon in America's Arsenal - Dubbed 'The Chicken Gun'
Senate majority leader Howard H. Baker Jr., expressed astonishment to the
Senate, over recent news accounts of an Air Force "chicken gun."
It seems the gun is a converted 20-foot cannon capable of hurling dead
four-pound chickens at airplanes at 700 miles per hour ... The armament is used
to help find ways to reduce accidents caused by jets hitting birds.
"My first reaction to this story was one of bitterness," Baker told colleagues.
"I wonder why a 'special classified briefing' had not been set up for members of
Congress on the new chicken gun and I wondered if Secretary of Defense Casper
Weinberger was planning one."
Baker also wondered aloud "how far along the Soviet Union is with the deployment
of their 'chicken gun', and how will our Minuteman, Midgetman and Sparrow
missles get along with this new weapon..."
Baker went on to wonder if the Navy might be working on it's own version of 'the
chicken gun', "which would be, one assumes, a 'chicken of the sea'."
Baker congratulated the Air Force "on it's resourcefulness."
"Despite the fact that there will no doubt be those that will be skeptical of
such research, I for one, see nothing more involved than a little 'fowl' play,"
Baker replied...
Commanding the dumb
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our
Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised
a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"
Q & A Iraqi War Jokes
Q: What's the national bird of Iraq?
A: DUCK!
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Q: What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in Baghdad?
A: You shout out, "B-52"
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The latest from Saudi Arabia and Baghdad is that :
Americans claim they have air superiority over Iraq.
Iraqis claim they have air superiority over Iran.
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Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking?
A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
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Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?
A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!
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Q: Have you heard about the new Royal Iraqi Air Force exercise program?
A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.
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Q: What should Iraq get for its air defense system?
A: A refund.
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Q: Who is an Iraqi Hero?
A: He's the one that waited thirty seconds before he surrendered.
Give chocolate pudding
First soldier: "Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?"
Second soldier: "No way, Jose!"
First soldier: "Whyever not?"
Second soldier: "It's against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!"
Humor relating to Iraq
The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian
defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.
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The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn't move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.
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Iraqi Air Force motto:
I came I saw Iran