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Applying for a Job at the CIA
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and
background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and
testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but
only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our
instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man
looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job
then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they
explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but
nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his
eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.
I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the
same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow
instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside
you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The
woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way,
the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.
Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and
banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her
brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to
beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved
apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it
is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened
and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy
and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped
out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
I Like Your Thinking
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny.
''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'' Then
Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting
on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple
scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''
''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your
thinking.''
Tight Skirt, Bus Stop
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt
was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed,
she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach
the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt
all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg
only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his
hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The
girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I
don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my
fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
Pharmacist Phun
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the
pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend
at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents
are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass,
and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head
down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea
you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"
Hired Help
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?''
''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured
was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch
and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this 567-5309?''
Who's the Boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his
trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your
attitude changes."
Fifty-Dollar Bet
This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars.
She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the
guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the
pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He
pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
“But what about the pickle slicer,” asked the wife, perplexed. “Oh, she liked it
too,” answered the husband.
Man, Woman, Sleeping Compartment
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping
carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top
bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m
sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could
possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better
idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
The Model Lodger
Doris and Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some
extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their terrace house.
After a few days, a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained
that she was a model working in a near-by city center studio for a few weeks and
that she would like the room from Mondays to Thursdays, but would pay for the
whole week.
Doris showed her the house and they agreed to start straight away.
"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job, I have to
have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath."
"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and
we bring it into the living room in front of the fire and fill it with hot
water."
"What about your husband? asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays, so he will be out in the evenings," replied
Doris.
"Good," said the model. "Now that that's been settled, I'll go to the studio and
see you tonight."
That evening, Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the
bath for the model. After stripping off, the model stepped into the bath. Doris
was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
The model noticed Doris' staring eyes, so she smiled and explained that it is
part of her job to shave herself, especially when modeling swimmer or
underclothes.
Later when Fred returned, Doris related this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true, I tell you!" said Doris. "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow
night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for
yourself."
The next night, Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As
the model stepped naked into the bath, Doris stood behind her.
Doris looked towards the curtains and pointed towards the model's naked pubic
area. Then she lifted up her skirt and wearing no panties, pointed to her own
hairy mass.
Later Fred returned and they retired to bed.
"Well, do you believe me now?" she asked Fred. "Yes, he replied. "I've never
seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show
yourself?"
"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "But I guess you've seen me
millions of times."
"Yes, said Fred, I have - but the rest of the dart team hadn't."
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true
story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at
the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing
gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from
just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the
wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and
told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with
the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and
watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !''
and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of
here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us
would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His
revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding
and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of
all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their
friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews,
etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
Ode to Valentine's Day
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is that schtuff for
People get mushy and start acting queer
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass.
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet but soon it will fade…
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a bunch of $#!+.
So there's my story... what can I say…
Love bites ass... SCREW VALENTINE'S DAY!
Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the
ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like
that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys
ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Men vs. Women vs. the Short
Story
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is
simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate
right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca
[last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last
pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium
fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the
sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
Wonder Bra
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
What Do I Look Like?
A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes
home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one
of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?"
The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?”
A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a
favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could
you change it for me?"
"What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks
go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She
pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the
roof! Can you please fix it?"
He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down
with a beer and watched a game on TV.
One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on
the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he
found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either.
His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the
husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's
running?"
She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I
ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed
everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just
said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him"
she said.
"Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell
do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?
Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After
dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving
him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's
chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out
another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything
out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
Ha, The Joke's On You
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would
always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his
secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down,
take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she
has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to
bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes
home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had,
and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's
home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Squeaky Clean
One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.
She says, ''Not tonight honey, I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay clean and fresh.''
The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep.
In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, ''Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow?''