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Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend
suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your
problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured
he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the
drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You
have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be
better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it
would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could
be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the
concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and
printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him
vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if
you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Radical Procedure
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and
love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from
one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the
problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will
require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles
to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to
go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing
an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he
felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe
laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then
said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half
neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said,
"Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was
astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the
shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe
said, "Sure..."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was
incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How
about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The
salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a
headache."
Viagra Coffee
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out
fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex
for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a
headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a
powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He
won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her
what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped
his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was
the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
Bouncing Baby Boy Balls
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing
about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.
All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse
replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby.''
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental
institution."
''Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously
half nuts."
Scooby Doo
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her
doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before
you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my
patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie doobie
doobie, give me bigger boobies.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed
one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on
the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on
the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me
bigger boobies''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?''
''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
An Order of Spaghetti
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him
she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money
and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just
send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of
expenses.''
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office
and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today
from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''
The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.''
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor
with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back
to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'''
Cheaper Than a Doctor
There was a man whose elbow hurt so he told his friend he was going to the
doctor. His friend told him to go to the pharmacy where there is a machine that
for ten dollars and a urine sample will tell you what is wrong with you. So he
went to the pharmacy and put the ten dollars and his urine sample in. After a
minute a paper came out and said that he has tennis elbow and he should soak his
elbow in warm water for the next two weeks. That night, he decided the machine
must be a fraud.
So, the next day he made a mixture of tap water, his daughter's urine, his dog's
urine -- and he added some of his own semen to it. He brought it to the pharmacy
and put ten dollars and the stuff in. After a minute the paper came out and
said, ''The tap water has lead, the dog has worms, your daughter is on drugs and
she's not your daughter.''
The Bald Man
A bald man with one leg wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know
what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation.
The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head.
He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.
The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his
bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the
outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden
leg.
A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of
sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your
wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple!
Hot Temper-ature
A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his
employees.
None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head
nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several
minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral
thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he
rolled over and bared his rear end.
After the nurse inserted the thermometer, she announced, "I have to get
something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath
as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the
man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone
having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a
carnation anyway."
Difference!
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?
You come in one and you go in the other!
Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try
These...
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented
towards improving the performance of men in today's society...
DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused
72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a
control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to
actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to
perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little"
accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered
this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested
to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy
their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two
days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period
longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing
clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn
off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back
into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D.
(Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test
group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people.
Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about
their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential
Strength versions.
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses
and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to
where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally
the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually
they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the
shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Labor Pain Machine
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their
arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor
of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But
as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he
was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to
feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr.
Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a
bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped
from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the
ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a
window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was
aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level
to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able
to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is
still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain
death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would
not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical
examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied
by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was
threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the
trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window
striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is
guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the
old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun
was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his
wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the
killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been
accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired
that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing
the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun
with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of
Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was
in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of
his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's
murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to
be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had
actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel
problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a
drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets,
throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the
commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Carrots
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?
Who's the Most Fun to Operate
On?
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up
everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up
everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up
everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked
why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and
their ass and head are interchangeable".
Respectfully Cheating
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that
question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start
the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day
the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no
questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you
would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing
that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr.
DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were
in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to
save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you
must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of
the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Gynecologist Grease Monkey
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career
change.
He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic. So
he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine
completely and reassemble it back into perfect working order. Our gynecologist
friend did the test and anxiously awaited his results.
The day he received the results, he got quite a surprise -- he got 150%. He
quickly phoned the instructor and asked about the high mark.
The instructor said, “No, that's right. First, I gave you 50% for stripping down
the engine -- a very thorough job. Next, I gave you 50% for reassembling it -- a
fantastic job really. And then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through
the tail pipe.”