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Lightbulb joke collection 01
Q: How many gypsies does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None, but you lose a lot of light bulbs.
Note: None because gypsies don't have mains electricity, and the losing is a
play on the larcenous reputation of Gypsies. You give a Gypsy a light bulb and
ask him to change the hallway lamp, pretty soon you have one less light bulb and
the hallway lamp is still out.)
Q: How many Helmsley employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 100: 99 to try, and one to fire them all.
Note: Leona Helmsley is the owner of a New York hotel who was a terrible person
to work for. She fired employees at little or no provocation. She was so nasty
to her employees that she was known as the "Queen of Mean".)
Q: How many pot growers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they use fluorescent bulbs instead.
Note: Fluorescent light is closer to natural sunlight than an incandescent bulb,
so anyone using artificial light (which pot growers might do to keep their crops
covered and safe from flying, prying eyes) to grow stuff would probably use
fluorescent light rather than incandescent.
Lightbulb joke collection 02
Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw
in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.
Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.
Q: How many alt.vampyres readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None! Yecch! We LOVE the dark, stupid!
Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.
Q: How many one-armed people does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, as long as he kept the till receipt.
Q: How many [members of your favorite group] does it take to screw in a
lightbulb?
A: Two, but they have to be *really tiny*.
Q: How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: At least three. (Notes: think height!)
Lightbulb joke collection 03
Q: How many Jo Brands does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, you give it to a bloody man to do, cos it's a piece of cake, isn't it?
Well, no, actually, that expression is crap isn't it, because if you had a piece
of cake, you'd bloody well eat it, wouldn't you?
Q: How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware
store.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes twelve steps.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, as long as he admits he's powerless over light bulbs.
Q: How many recovering addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to screw it in and one to sponsor him.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to lift the chair by its
legs, one to call an American and to ask which way to turn the chair.
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a Soviet emigre?
A: One, if you aim well.
Lightbulb joke collection 04
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists question whether it's really light anyway.
Q: How many atheists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Atheists never "see the light" anyway do they ?
Q: How many hunters does it take to screw a lightbulb into a left-handed socket?
A: There is no such thing as a left-handed socket, but if they could screw right
they would not be hunters.
Q: How many hunt sabs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to do it and two to clean the muddy footprints off the carpet and
the chair he was standing on.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
Q: How many LA cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six-one to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.
Lightbulb joke collection 05
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Will somebody please call house-keeping?
Q: How many house-keeping staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You know I only get paid $5 an hour to do this, and I don't know why I always
have to do everybody else's work anyway.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Q: How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Q: How many orthopedic surgeons does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Why don't you just let us take out the socket ? You aren't using it anyway,
and it will only cause you trouble later.
Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but it takes nine visits.
Lightbulb joke collection 06
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is
familiar with.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the
previous question.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are not normal.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one
sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the
bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady.
One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs
in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one
to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the
apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.
Lightbulb joke collection 07
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant
of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him
so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One hundred; one to change the lightbulb, the other ninety-nine to stand
around wondering why they weren't chosen.
Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are far too busy hacking.
Q: How many maths students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.
Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...
Lightbulb joke collection 08
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the
wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his
forehead.
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put
the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's
their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and
smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty
(#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After
having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the
hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the
princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating
as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are
joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but
they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until
someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back
into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who
is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the
lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the
dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig
and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a
noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in
its mouth.
Lightbulb joke collection 09
Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a lightbulb
?
A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.
Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person
1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do
the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it
all wrong.
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "We're not changing any lightbulbs at the moment."
Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better
without the lightbulb."
Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.
Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Lightbulb joke collection 10
Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first,
which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them
that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances
during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing
the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit
to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the
severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and
that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only
theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people
will not suffer from it.)
Lightbulb joke collection 11
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead
light bulb?
A: Who can tell. Field service engineers are always in the dark.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Well, the diagnostics all check out fine, so it's a software problem.
Q: How many field service engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: None: "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How long will it take?
A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with
them.
Lightbulb joke collection 12
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring light to
the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot to deprive the poor
of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer prize for reporting that Electric Company
hired a lightbulb assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
Q: How many computer journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five-one to write a review of all the existing light bulbs so you can decide
which one to buy, another one to write a remarkably similar one in another
magazine the next month, a third to have a big one come out on glossy paper two
months later that is by then completely out of date, a fourth to hint in his/her
column that a completely new and updated bulb is coming out, and the fifth to
report a rumor that that new bulb is shipping with a virus.
Q: How many GLC workers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Four. One to do it and three to go round putting up posters announcing that
the GLC, working for London, is going to change the lightbulb.
Q: How many city planners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Six - four to write an extensive study recommending a three-way 100/200/250
watt light bulb, one to write an article in the newspaper praising the study,
and one to put in a 10 watt blub instead.
Lightbulb joke collection 13
Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.
Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it
would be for a Macintosh user.
Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.
Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
Q: How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay
an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
Lightbulb joke collection 14
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to have a debate about whether this is the
right time of year to be putting in lightbulbs or daffodil bulbs.
Q: How many gardeners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as the older,
heavier ones.
Q: How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?
A: You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light
it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six--one to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and
the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.
Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it
for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.
Lightbulb joke collection 15
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two--one to screw it in and one to screw it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. But she gets promoted three times before she finally finishes
screwing it up.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven--one to supervise, one to arrange for the electricity to be shut off,
one to make sure that safety and quality standards are maintained, one to
monitor compliance with local, state, and federal regulations, one to manage
personnel relations, one to fill out the paperwork and one to screw the light
bulb into the water faucet.
Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We've formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out
and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to
work smarter, not harder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. I can't do anything unless you complete a lightbulb design change
request form.