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The Hit and Run Case
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office,
ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close
and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately
grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body
shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer
shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so
focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow
down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
The Teacher, the Thief & the
Lawyer
A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they
reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is
overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by
an iceberg?”
“Phew, that one's easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”
“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”
Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”
The thief replied, “That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The
answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.
Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them.”
People Really Said These Things
In Court
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier
and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the
engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts
designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's
it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should
never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping
him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"
Who's the Most Fun to Operate
On?
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up
everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up
everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up
everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked
why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and
their ass and head are interchangeable".
Lawyer or Ass?
A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink
and asks what the problem is. All he says is, “All lawyers are assholes.”
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take offense to that!”
The pissed-off guy asks him, “Why? Are you a lawyer?”
He replies, “No, I'm an asshole.”
Deathbed Lawyer
Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!
Lawyer-Client Relations
Q: Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Lawyers'' Lucky Break
Q: What is the definition "lucky break?"
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Lion, Tiger, Lawyer, Elevator
Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a
gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he''s dead.
Farmer Joe and his Mule
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the
trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is
a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge
was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my
favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the
side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was
hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie
moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear
Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he
took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across
the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in
such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
Blind Bunny, Meet Blind Snake
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over
a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please
excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and
can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I
didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the
way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen
myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are
you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him,
and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold,
you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."
Lawyer Croaks
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the
same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once
again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to
speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third
time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep
calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Buried Lawyers
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Lawyers Love Sushi!
Hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Female Lawyer vs. Pitbull
Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.
Beautiful?
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You're
beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that
so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said “You're cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of
“beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was
“The drugs are wearing off!”
In a murder trial...
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man
was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on
my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law
somewhere.
Lawyer vs. Hooker
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you're dead.
Marriage Made In Heaven
A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a
car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the
gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and
ask him about the marriage.
He says, "I'm still working on it."
Two years pass by and no marriage.
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells
the couple it's time for their wedding.
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple
go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they
want to get a divorce.
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest
up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"