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Quotes from stupid 01
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway
"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS
reporter during the solar eclipse
"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run
across." - Announcer on KZOK radio
"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball
announcer
"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have
reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio
"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." -
BBC world service.
"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas
hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)
"He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio
commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal
Quotes from stupid 02
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
"That race was all about competition." - David Coleman, ITV
"And I can see the strong wind blowing the sun towards us." - Brian Johnson, BBC
Radio 3
Mark Goodier: What's the name of the company you work for?
Listener: Mining and Engineering Services. Mark Goodier: So, what kind of work
do they do; is it mining and
engineering services? - BBC Radio 1
"Marling - unbeaten in her three victories."
Peter O'Sullivan, BBC2 TV: "Both drivers are fundamentally wearing white
helmets."
James Hunt, BBC2 TV: "A church spire nestling among the trees...there's probably
a church there too." - Richie Benaud, BBC2 TV
Quotes from stupid 03
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.
Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: "Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of
the economy."
Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: "There's nothing athletes like - or indeed hate -
more than hanging around like this." - David Coleman, BBC 1 TV
"Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams won't mean a row of beans, 'cos
that's only small potatoes." - Ian St John, ITV
"Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game." -
Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio
Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: "We don't appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the
moment."
"Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline?" - Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4
"Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold." -
Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV
"Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day."
Stupid people awards
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees for 1997.
As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are for those nominees who will not
be contributing to the gene pool (thankfully).
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE No.1: [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like
a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to
death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No.2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo,Mich., was killed in
March as he was trying to repair what. police described as a "farm-type truck."
Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Bums hung underneath so
that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on
something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."
NOMINEE No.3 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot
himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a
ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a
Smith & Wesson. 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No.4 [UIPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
windows in a downtown Toronto Skyscraper crashed through a pane with his
shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy,
39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday
evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting
law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden
Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE No.5 [Bloomburg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no
ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own
gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane
gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage(and a
couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears
that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it
wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut, up in his, near airtight
bedroom. According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for
creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was
hospitalized.
NOMINEE No..6 [The News of the Weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the
Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's
electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life
in prison. Whilst sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix
his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
NOMINEE NO.7["The. Indianapolis Star"] A cigarette lighter may have triggered
fatal explosion - Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter
to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon
discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19,
died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said
Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly.
He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No.8 lAP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly
in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a
hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police
found him unconscious in front of the store; paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE No.9 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above
him on an overhanging rock-and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE No.10 [Associated Press, Kincaid] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth
at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tougue state police
said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. Another man had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it," Payne said. "It
wouldn't go off and this guy said, 'I'II show you how to set it off."
Yet Another Darwin award candidate - or pair of candidates -- this just might be
the winner!
Stupid people stories
IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed
that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me
that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I
asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the
credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the
person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is
Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that
it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety
Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your
eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer
wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large
bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who
had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you
guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day
would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited,
cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes,
not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Truly stupid people 01
A man buys a brand new Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, and has $400.00+
in monthly payments. He's pretty proud of this rig and gets ahold of his friend
to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck hunting and of course
all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with their
guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle.
They drive out onto the ice. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural
landing area to attract ducks - something the decoys will float on.
Remember it's all ice, and in order to make a hole large enough to interest a
flock of ducks - a hole big enough to entice ducks to land, they needed to use a
little more than an ice hole drill...
Sooo, out of the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick of
dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. Now to their credit, these two rocket
scientists DID take into consideration that if they placed the stick of dynamite
on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) would
be waiting and ran back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran
from the imminent explosion and could possibly go up in smoke with the resulting
blast. After a little deliberation, they come up with lighting and THROWING the
dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the
guns AND THE DOG???? Yes, the dog. The driver's pet Black Lab (used for
retrieving - especially things thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog
takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of
dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all to
the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping, waving arms and
wondering what the hell to do now...
The dog is happy and now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of
dynamite. I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part of
the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches. The Bozos now are
REALLY waving their arms - yelling even louder and generally feeling kinda
panicked... Now finally one of the guys decides to think - something that
neither had done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. This
sounds better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8 duck
shot and hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog DID stop for a
moment, slightly confused, but then continued on. Another shot, and this time
the dog - still standing, became REALLY confused & of course scared...
Thinking that these two Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY INSANE, the pooch
takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still burning on the
stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand
Cherokee worth 30-some thousand dollars the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle
that is sitting nearby on the lake ice.
BOOM! Dog dies, vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, and these two "Co-Leaders of
the Known Universe" are left standing there with this "I can't EVEN believe this
happened to me" look on their faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his
insurance company and is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake by
illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy...He had yet to make his
first car payment.
GRAVITY KILLS
A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee
jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said
Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the
distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of
death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.
LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
Three young men in Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of July holiday and
wanted to test fire some fireworks. The only real problem was, their launch pad
and seating arrangements were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel
distillation storage tank. Oddly enough, fumes were ignited, producing a
fireball seen for miles. They were launched several hundred feet into the air
and found dead some 250 yards from their respective seats.
DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT
A lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas when a lightning
storm hit. Most of the other boats immediately headed for the shore, but not our
friend the lawyer. Alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies,
this individual stood up, spread his arms wide and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET
ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the
boat survived the lightning strike with minor burns.
THE BOYS OF SUMMER
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's
a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing
catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself)
was hospitalized.
THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU
Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless.
You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ...
more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a
tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you
decide to drive and dial at the same time.
GOT A LIGHT?
In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized warehouse noticed the smell of
gas. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition -- lights, power, etc. After the building had been
evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their
frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the scene of one of the technicians reaching into his
pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the
lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up
to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of
causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.
Truly stupid people 02
Top honors for "Human Projectile of the Month" go to an as-of-yet
unidentified dude who is also a serious contender for the annual "Darwin Award".
That prestigious prize is given posthumously to the person who does the human
gene pool the greatest service by removing himself from it in the most
extraordinarily stupid fashion.
Troopers from the Arizona Highway Patrol got on to this gallant if not brainless
form of ballistic research after motorists reported some mysterious scorched and
blackened scars on a stretch of deserted highway.
The more officers found, the stranger the case got. Here is what they "pieced"
together:
JATO units are basically huge canisters of solid rocket fuel used to achieve
"Jet Assisted Take Off", typically lifting big transport planes into the air
from short, rough ground runways, or shooting overloaded planes from the decks
of aircraft carriers.
They were not, repeat NOT, designed to augment the inherent boost factor of a
1967 Chevy Impala. But it is guessed that -- let's call him "Zippy" ---- didn't
know that when he hooked one up to his ride.
He apparently chose his runway carefully, selecting a nice long, lonely piece of
straight highway in good repair. Not guessing that he might need a bit more than
five miles of zoom surface, Zippy's test track had, that far down the track, a
gentle rise on a sloping turn. He kicked the tire, lit the fire, ran his Chev up
to top cruising speed, and hit the ignition. Investigators know exactly where
this happened, judging from the extended patch of burned and melted asphalt.
The pocket calculator boys figure Zip reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds,
punching the Chevy to "well in excess of 350 miles per hour" and continued at
"full burn" for another 20 to 25 seconds. Early in that little sprint, at
roughly 2.5 miles down the road, the Human Hydro Shock stood on the brakes,
melting them completely, blowing the tires and rapidly reducing all four skins
to liquefied trails on the pavement.
Remember that little rise on the turn? That's where Zippy concluded his land
speed record attempt and went for airborne honors, ultimately reaching an
altitude of 125 feet and still climbing when his flight was abruptly terminated.
We'll never know how far or how high he might have gone. A cliff face of solid
rock kind of got in his way, posing a serious reaffirmation of the law of
physics vis-a-vis two chunks of matter cannot occupy the same space at the same
time. He gave it hell though, blasting a 6-foot crater. The best modern forensic
science could do was ID the car's make and model year. As for Zippy, only trace
evidence of bone, teeth, and hair were found in the crater.
What is intelligence?
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the
other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing
up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask
him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the
hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What
do you mean, ?intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want
you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty
swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch
digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He
said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the
friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel
and hit my hand."
Idiots on the computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts
from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber
than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return
Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to
control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the
mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter
to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A
few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of
the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the
drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then
heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door
to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech
suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the
customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I
thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking
the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the
computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new
Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The
"foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer
wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for
20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she
pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech
Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is
broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that
fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's
attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit
stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at
a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on
it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.
The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder,
and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up
complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A"
but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.
Mega moron awards
MEGA MORON AWARDS
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's
video camera, while the camera was remotely recording. (That is, the videotape
recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera).
Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and
asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter.
The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone
points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The
whole event was caught on videotape.
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her
purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give
them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had
apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.
The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive
ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the
purse from."
Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash.
The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they
weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain
from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the
front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck.
Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the
machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's
license plate still attached to the bumper.
Ultra dumb people 01
The incredibly dumb
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked
intellectual leadership". He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps
it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who
had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters,
officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to
come out and give himself up.
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to
drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded
to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension under his
elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly
told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."
A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a
classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's
"zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence"
policy.
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a
$127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire
prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the
distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security
system..."
Ultra dumb people 02
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed
up and grabbed him.
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station
with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to
give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his
skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and
find the missing brain.
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college
degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out
there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all this may not have
happened."
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to
repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted,
"That's not what I said!"
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to
mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-theLooms. The robber apparently
stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He
was seen hopping and jumping around," said police spokesman Mike Carey, "with an
explosion taking place inside his pants." Police have the man's charred trousers
in custody.
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor
asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of
America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
True stupid stories 01
Really Stupid People
Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after
he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,
seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each
other's head.
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in
their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man
required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching
the film.
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a
$500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time
police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had
begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only
to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused
the copier with the shredder.
A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a
sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers
recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car
he had stolen over the lunch hour.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing
the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the
cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller
and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the
vehicle to a stop.
True stupid stories 02
Saddam Hussein's stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological
weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an
atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
The Los Angeles Board of Education has OK'd a plan to equip school police cars
with guns. The plan works on a tier system: Police at elementary schools will
carry supersoakers, junior high patrols will carry paint guns, and shotguns will
be used at high schools.
A severly disturbed geography teacher killed six people who did not know the
capital of Scotland. Police say he's still on the loose and remind everyone that
the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. (Carlin)
AT&T announced last week it will lay off up to 8,000 employees. Ever conscious
of its image, the company is promoting the layoffs as a new feature called job
forwarding.
El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for
Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent
storm. It sank 65 times.
Charloote Hornets star Anthony Mason faces charges of statutory rape of two
girls, ages 14 and 15. His attorney will use the Kennedy defense, which states
that together they were 29.
Marcia Clark has signed with NBC to become a legal affairs commentator. In the
job, she'll discuss ongoing court cases and then describe what she would do to
lose them.
The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating
will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for
immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes
numbered 1 through 30.
Magic Johnson signed a deal with Starbucks to open new coffee shops in inner
city neighborhoods. Just what the poor needed - a good $3 cup of coffee.
Michael Jackson's business partner has bought part of TWA, and now says he's
going to have Michael redesign some of the planes. Michael says he wants the
planes to be all white with smaller noses. (O'Brien)
A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for
marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented
because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski.
More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold
medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by
Moose and Squirrel.
Did anyone see the luge? It's a 3 foot long little vehicle that has no room, has
to be pushed to get started and only goes downhill. Here in America we call that
a Hyundai. (Leno)
Newt Gingrich says that the major networks should give free air time to anti
drug messages. For example, they should come on during your favorite show and
talk about how drugs and alcohol are a dead end street... and now back to Nash
Bridges starring Cheech Marin and Don Johnson. (Maher)
Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three
phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.
Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket worker's underwear
spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up
with cherries jubilee.
And finally, with Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we
celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)