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Christmas Jokes
Question and Answer Christmas Jokes
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
A: "I don't like sprouts" !
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Where do polar bears vote?
A: The North Poll.
Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A: Ribbon hood.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received
for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track - all straight!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
A: On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
A: Because it has long-distance runners on each side.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games
in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
Q: What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
A: We'll have a boo Christmas without you.
Q: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
A: Okay everyone, sack time!!
Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Snowflakes.
Q: If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
A: A subordinate claus.
Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
A: He wanted to sleep like a log.
Q: Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because the angel had said, "No L!"
Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
A: Santa caught in a revolving door!
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
A: Because it " soots " him!
Q: What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
A: Pour Santa flush on him.
Q: Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
A: Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
A: Because every buck is dear to him.
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet
of handkerchiefs for Christmas?Q: Olive ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Q: Olive?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
Q: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
A: It was wound up already.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south
for the winter.
'Twas the Night After Christmas
'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer
had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or
toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.
The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said
they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I
watched TV and my wife, she just cried.
When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw
Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a
complaint here from a feller named Claus."
I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in
without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last
night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."
The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly,
that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard,
and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister
Sherri."
"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in
dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me
what you've done, tell me what you've seen."
Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the
first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last
night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."
When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she
had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown
over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.
Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of
venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I
grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.
And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff
while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!"
But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.
So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped
in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent
Roy, I'll see ya in court."
The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy.
A Microsoft Christmas
NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries
to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's
summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would
gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions.
In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the
Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas
and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented
move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its
commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing
of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the
guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working
on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time,
but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it
first for the next release of Windows and Office 98."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video
stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version
of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the
announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to
assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some
time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are
for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than
last year." She further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS
Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first."
Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed
source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip
into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip
would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue,
possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to
three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the
long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it
move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve
to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that
"Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all
holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good
long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in
the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed
that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature."
Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking
for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others
contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
This document is copyright (c) Harvey Ehrlich 1992.
On the Twelve Days of Christmas,
My True Love Gave to Me . . .
December 14, 2003
Dearest Dave,
I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.
This was a delightful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised or pleased
darling!
With truly the deepest love,
Agnes
December 15, 2003
Dearest Dave,
Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts. The two turtule
doves that arrived today are adorable, and I'm delighted by your thoughtful and
generous ways.
With all of my love,
Your Agnes
December 16, 2003
Dearest Dave,
You've truly been too kind! I must protest; I don't deserve such generosity. The
thought of getting three French hens amazes me. Yet, I am not surprised--what
more should I expect from such a nice person.
Love,
Agnes
December 17, 2003
Dear Dave,
Four calling birds arrived in the mail today. They are truly nice but don't you
think that enough is enough? You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 2003
Dearest darling Dave,
It was a surprise to get five golden rings! I now have one for every finger. You
truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it! Quite frankly, all of those
squarking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves. Yet,
you managed to come through with a beautiful valuable gift!
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 2003
Dear Dave,
When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.
So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are dear, but where will I
keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the
racket. Please stop dear.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 2003
Dave,
What is with you and those stupid birds!? Seven swans a-swimming!! What kind of
sick joke is this!!?? There are bird droppings everywhere! They never shut up,
and I don't get any sleep!!! I'm a nervous wreck! It's not funny you weirdo, so
stop with the birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 2003
O.K. wise guy,
The birds were bad enough. Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids
a-milking? If that's not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!! The front
lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can't move in my own house! Just lay
off me or you'll be sorry!
Agnes
December 22, 2003
Hey loser,
What are you? You must be some kind of sadist!! Now there are nine pipers
playing, and they certainly do play! They haven't stopped chasing those maids
since they got here! The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and
I'm going out of my mind!
You'll get yours!
Agnes
December 23, 2003
You rotten scum!!!
There are now ten ladies dancing! There is only one problem with that! They're
dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows
and the maids. The cows can't sleep, and they are going to the bathroom
everywhere! The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why
the house shouldn't be condemned! I can't even think of a reason! You creep! I'm
sicking the police on you!
One who means it!
December 24, 2003
Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!? They are leaping across the rooms
breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids! The place smells, is an
absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned! At least the birds are quiet;
they were trampled to death by the cows. I hope you are satisfied--you rotten
vicious worthless piece of garbage!
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 2003
The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
Dear sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling which you
have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes Mcholstein. The destruction of
course was total. If you attempt to reach Ms. Mcholstein at Happy Daze
Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.
Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future. With this letter,
please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
This document was written by Agnes Mcholstein.
A Martha Stewart Christmas
Dear Santa:
I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings,
handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want
it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now, hear me out, Santa. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one
good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside just
thinking about it. Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of
women across the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving
a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't
concerned with gracious living.
We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them
on the counter, buffet-style for dinner. We're tired of Martha showing us how to
make centerpieces from hollyhock dipped in 18-carat gold. We're plumb out of
liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety. We can't whip up
Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say
turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.
OK, Santa, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all the
holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in last week's USA
Weekend. I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's only ordered
it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart living?)
When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have
a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that suggests
you shouldn't either."
Well, lah-dee-dah. Imagine that, Santa!
That lovely microwave you brought me years ago, in which I've learned to make
complicated dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable
by Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire
wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no
less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher that qualifies as "put away" in my
house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends. "Last
year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just
scarves mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving
herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does so with such frequency that
one has to wonder if her back is black and blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s," and says her
most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram,
and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the Greek Islands on
yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step out for the evening in
shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed chauffeurs. They do not spend
their days pondering the finer art of toilet bowl sanitation. Zaslow notes that
Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential people by Time magazine
(nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches in the
supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant, they were all
gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a bridge.
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade
with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast.
This confirms what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got
too much time on her hands. Teaching the dogs to rollerblade. What a show off.
If you think the dogs are spoiled, listen to how Martha treats her friends: She
gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library. It didn't cost
much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me. I'm doing
this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy teachers. You should
listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam in Martha's ego at this point,
because once the hot air came hissing out, it couldn't be held back. "Being an
overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable. Never lower your
standards," says Martha.
And of her Web Page on the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important
presence" as she graciously helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack,
it's Martha Stewart. But I bet I won't get my gift this year.
You probably want to smack her yourself.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his
wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just
rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major
argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor
communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the
man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or
snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it
officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I
know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red
knows rain, dear!"
Signs You've Had Too Much
Holiday Cheer
1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
4. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of
the hall mirror.
14. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
15. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
Did Santa Give You That Present?
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a
nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the stupidity in the horse's
brain instead of on his back."
Enter the Pearly Gates
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the
pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something
relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
Answer... "They're Carol's."
Lost X Files Christmas episode
Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here.
Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing.
Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated,
mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of
holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care.
Scully: You really think someone's been here?
Mulder: Someone or some thing.
Scully: Mulder, over here--it's fruitcake.
Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal.
Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and
nice."
Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list.
Scully: Who? What are you talking about?
Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at
great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the
winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward its
followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite.
Scully: But that's legend, Mulder--a story told by parents to frighten children.
Surely, you don't believe it?
Mulder: Something was here tonight, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this
gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and
in a hurry.
Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been
completely drained.
Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse.
Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies?
Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding.
Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows
were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.
Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace.
Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on
the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches
wide. Nothing could get through there.
Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions.
Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly?
Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my
home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur
surrounding its ruddy, misshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll
never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow
taken on the facial features of my father.
Scully: Impossible.
Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr.
Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry,
Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to
believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts
to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand
the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files.
Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when
you're awake.
Scully: But we have no proof.
Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys
in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition
Red.
Scully: But that was a meteor shower.
Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished
from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was
told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle.
They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop
spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets
will collapse. Scully, they cannot let the world believe this creature lives.
There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent
night.
Scully: Mulder, I -- Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter.
Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter...
Twenty ways to confuse Santa
Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that
you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if
he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then
wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when
he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We
hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to
let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes
back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and
take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that
says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie
and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa.
:("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa
arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always
return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them.
Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear
and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught
in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a
bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house,
go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."
Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
A parent's night before
Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat....
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.
More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!
Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand."
"Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact
To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.
The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.
But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!
We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded...
I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!
Ten things to say about gifts
you don't like
10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.
9. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well...
6. I really don't deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.