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Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask
him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such
airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had
been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's
getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who
have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I
came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my
searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.
Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging
off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started
beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off.
So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering
on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and
fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and
threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all
the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the
balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and
again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I
got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I
couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the
balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and
grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but
again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out
of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Dealing with a lawyer
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks
him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a
moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a
moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get
you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I
also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after
a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with
this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A forester and lawyer
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates
together.
St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homeswhere they
will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on
down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even
grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the
lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there
is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded
boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of
silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter
says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how
come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a
lawyer before."
Reward for goodness
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you
tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting
for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being
faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your
transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I
will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four-
bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your
wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The
Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you
will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes
out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and
she was riding a skateboard!"
Careful when you wish
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry,
gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you
back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful
scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you
want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to
fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring
above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in
Detroit!"
Doing this great deed
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its
not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told
him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that
that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was
becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work
with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse
back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest
biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his
face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Sue over the property
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They
are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big
party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find
his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and
said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day
God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet
further into heaven than before.
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where
it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Punishment for Gates
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be
your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your
life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a
choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are
tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands
of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes
Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a
table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill
says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after
Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer.
"Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Gates gets punishment
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over
Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough
decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you
helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I
believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you
want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly
explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said,
"Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make
your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and
said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud
of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean
place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine
water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as
he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this
is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke
appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds,
where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful
chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill
Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was
progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall
in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured
by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment,
"This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't
believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches
and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.
What should they say?
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are
mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a
great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
Represent Christmas
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the
pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something
relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed
in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent
Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
The name of your wife
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for
admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had
been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even
married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible
glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on,
Penny, let?s get out of here."
Picking a punishment
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to
three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow
manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their
noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in
there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing
in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be
worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K.
tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
Qualifying for Heaven
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they
would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him
through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a
little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he
answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."