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International Beer Syndrome
An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and
buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates
the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy
another mug of beer.
Baked beans and their delightful
tune
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat
lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his
beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd
have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he
could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large
helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making
him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and
she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better,
when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one
snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute
later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his
lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He
assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
Flower Flub-o-rama
I sent flowers to someone who was moving to Florida for a job promotion. I also
sent flowers the same day to a funeral for a friend.
I found out later that the flower shop got the cards mixed up. They sent the
card to the guy who was moving that said, "Deepest Condolences," and sent the
card to the funeral home that said, "I know it's hot where you're going, but you
deserve it."
Good for the Heart
A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a
somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the
supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife
to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd
have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans
overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he
could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large
helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making
him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one
coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and
she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg
and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt
for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better,
when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one
snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute
later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his
lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He
assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table
for his surprise birthday party.
Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After
dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving
him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's
chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out
another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything
out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
In The Navy
A Marine and Navyman are in the bathroom together, and the Marine goes to leave
without washing his hands.
"Hey," says the Navyman, "in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands."
"In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands."
Three Girls Go Camping
One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The
blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her
toilet paper and did her business.
While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her.
They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and
ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.
Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She
said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these
two fingers, I stuffed them back in."
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals
who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them
there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at
a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Obese Michigan Mammas
How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.
Dump List
The Perfect Dump -- Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect
dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting
the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that
breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that's not
the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally
unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in
perfect harmony with it.
The Beer Dump -- Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper's tolerance,
the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it could have been 2 or 22,
it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied
by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.
The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili
dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.
The Cable Dump -- Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone
CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You
wonder admiringly, ''DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?'' you leave the
bathroom pleased with yourself.
The Latrine Dump -- In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole in the ground
with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump. Tip:
Don't ever, ever look in the hole.
The Mona Lisa Dump -- This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's as perfectly formed
as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci
weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the
Polaroid, but maybe that's going a bit too far.
The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paper only to
discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your
throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone would say ''Where are the
curtains?'' Then what would you say? The rug?...too cumbersome. Then you must
come to the same conclusion that every ''empty roll dumper'' must face...Pull up
your slacks, tighten your tush and wriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.
The Splash-Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like a depth
charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water that washes your
bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet and embarrassed. Tip:
Blot instead of wiping.
The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do?
ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest for later. It isn't
pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.
The Alfresco Dump -- Everyone has had to go outdoors from time to time. This can
be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air, the nature, and a good
bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiance that our primitive forefathers must
have enjoyed. What can screw up this harmonious interlude is a troop of Brownies
or a patch of poison ivy.
The Childbirth Dump -- This is a dump that is simply too big to go through the
aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sit there, thinking over your
dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't going to get any better. You wonder if
you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines
screaming ''Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf.'' You realize you'll have to
resolve the crisis before you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only
three things you can do: Scream, call an Obstetrician, or just hope like hell
have enough Vaseline to get you through it.
The Tijuana Trot Dump -- The phrase ''Shit Happens'' really applies here in a
big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contact with your lower
intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if
you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of
that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you
realize why Mexico never had a navy.
The Machine Gun Dump -- You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace
when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the
silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a
combat veteran, cradling his umbrella like an M16 and shrieking something about
“damn Commies.”
The Sound Effect Dump -- You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives, friends or
work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to
cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very
important here. At the precise moment of release, try the following sound
effects: flush the toilet, sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem,
or drop a handful of quarters on the floor
The Security Dump -- You have enough on your mind when you're in the bathroom
without worrying about a lockless door and someone bursting in to find you in
mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent this embarrassing spectacle from taking
place? One way is to strategically place your foot against the door. If you
can't reach to do this... hum loudly.
The Cling-On Dump -- For the most part you've completed your dump, but there's
one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone
else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle,
twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended,
clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person
pounding impatiently on the door has scissors.
The Houdini Dump -- You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darn thing has
disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole
thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to
make sure you went. Should you flush? You'd better, because if you don't, you
know it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.
The Flu Dump -- You feel so bad that you don't know which end of you to put down
first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then a wave of nausea rolls
over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines
like a vice so you sit down again...up down up down. Don't you wish Mom were
close by?
The Porta-Pottie Dump -- Construction workers and outdoor concert goers will
tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, “It's
like taking a shit in an upright coffin.” It's claustrophobic and it smells
bad... best advice... go in a paper cup.
The Proctologist Dump -- In the beginning, the Lord created the earth, the sky
and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump, because there is
nothing biblical about it -- you run out of gas. That's right, you run out of
propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go
any further. You grunt, you squeeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a
lump of lead. You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing
back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're
a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??
The Whole Roll Dump -- No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem to be
enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too. The whole
episode is consumer waste.
The Graffiti Dump -- You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding
bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scraping a creative squiggle
on its way down. You flush again but the curlicue hangs there...love it or leave
it. Its your choice.
The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourself together, wash
your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom when you feel another dump
coming. You have to return for a curtain call. The world's record is seven
encores.
The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say “Lord, if I
live through this, I'll take up religion.” You always get through it, but seldom
keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like
childbirth... you forget the pain quickly.
The Poopie List
Ghost Poopie- The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no
poopie in the toilet.
Clean Poopie- The kind where you pooped it out, see it in the toilet, but there
is nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Poopie- The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped,
so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so
you won't ruin them with a stain.
Second Wave Poopie- This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your
pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie- The kind were you strain so much to get it
out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Poopie- The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to flush
without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Gassy Poopie- It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling.
Corn Poopie- Self explanatory.
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Poopie-Poopie- The kind where you want to poopie, but all you
do is sit on the toilet & fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Poopie- That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was
leaving sideways.
Wet Cheeks Poopie- (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so
fast, your cheeks get spalshed with water.
Liquid Poopie- The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and
splashes all over the toilet bowl.
Dog Poopie- It smells so bad your nose burns.
Upper Class Poopie- The kind of poopie that doesen't smell.
The Suprise Poopie- You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your
about to fart, but OOPS!- a poopie!
The Dangling Poopie- This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you
know you are done poopieing. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it
loose.
Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told
his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss,
say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once
again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Bubba Died in a Fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed
someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and
Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said,
"Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty
well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would
say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
Smokin' Dope
Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday.
They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to
stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail."
So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy.
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs
and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off
drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole
before prison...''
Yo mama's so Nasty
Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said
"Crabs!"
Christmas Cookie Dough
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her
over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie
dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next
morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so
this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie
dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then
Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes
later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I
shot the cat!''
The Blind Guy Polemic
An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most
see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk,
he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on. She
took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since
it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well
wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her. "For the amount I paid, they could've at
least ironed the damn thing."
Bravery
What's the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Split Up The Middle
Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old
boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly
old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.
"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."
"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old
thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled
like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the
back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got
bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when
I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she
wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in
her all at once and she split right up the middle."