HOME
A maharajah of India
The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered
that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country's leader. The
decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the
people revolted and threw the maharajah from power. This is the first known
instance of the reign being called on account of the game.
Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you
six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables,
everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is
made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your
upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?"
asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate
like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
Biologist studies frogs
A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a
swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control,
was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a
solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply
couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then
brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs' togetherness, which included one
part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to
mate.
Owning a new pet fish
Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was
really something special.
Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold
him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.
Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a
bird? I can't believe it!
Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.
Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a
parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.
Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps
singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?
The new French cook
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the
French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and
sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris
seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an
old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory
for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about
Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh
rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In
fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.
An elephant and turtle
An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a
turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the
river.
"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53
years ago."
"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".
The family of potatoes
One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and
her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her
eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting
married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married!
That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride.
"Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.
Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with
conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news
in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine
tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future,
when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I,
too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her
eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am
getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely
daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying,
Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Peter Jennings!"
"Peter Jennings?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common
tater!"
A horse breeder story
This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which
she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon
found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she
raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top
veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up
because it had become a real night mare.
Stealing the paintings
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several
paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out
past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
A Sesamee Street bus
Once there was this bus which happened to be from Sesamee Street. On
the bus were some very strange people with very strange things to do. First
there were two identical twins whose names were both Pattie. They were very big
and muscular, especially for women. Next there was a man named Ross. He was a
extrodinary guy so he was dubbed "Special Ross". After that there was a hefty,
overweight man named Leonard. Since his cheeks were so puffy people decided to
nickname him "Leonard Cheeks". Finally, all the people on the bus had bunions at
which they feverously picked and scratched.
What do we call this bus filled with strange people? Of course; we call them:
"Two all-beef Patties, Special Ross, Leonard Cheeks, pickin' bunions, on a
Sesamee Street bus!"
Life of cows and bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of
wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there,
bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush
themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows
through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch
on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into
the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to
one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind
always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it
obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Try joining the Mafia
This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting
anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits
and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.
He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."
The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"
Artie answers, "No."
The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta
kill somebody for money."
So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"
The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."
Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."
The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it,
and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."
Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to
Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's
lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to
death.
The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run
the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to
death.
In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT
RALPHS!"
The vultures are flying
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying
two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she
asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
Indian having children
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer
hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very
happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a
few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two
story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the
tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young
brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said
the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary.
The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of
the other two hides."
Farmer milks a cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good
rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.
Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about
it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the
udder.
The new rhea farmer
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own
business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation,
he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.
His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great
demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea
farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all
parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the
plainly colored rhea feathers.
The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people,
and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting
sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one
small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill.
The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of
the illness.
It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe
case of ... "dye a rhea".
Story of a conductor
He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been
having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his
musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven?s 9th Symphony,
which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he
found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around.
As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet
music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was
realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.
A midget fortune teller
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and
she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that
fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a
holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of
her cell and escape. This to incensed the judge that he ordered the local
newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in
the paper the next day. Small medium at large.
He has two girlfriends
There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was
very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was
Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and
after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he
was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her and get it on
with the new girl.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do
it. One day they went for a walk along the river bank when Lorraine slipped and
fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:
"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"
Meet together again
Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came
upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing,
which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon,
they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew
the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been
years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One
of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the
other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
Transylvania vacation
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather
deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20
feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to
no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the
passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite
the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the
nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short
while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old,
large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,
"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible
accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a
Doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my
assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.
However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical
training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following
closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion
and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious,
Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no
avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to
his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has
always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody
fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he
notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm
begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He
bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
Hellman mayonnaise
Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the
condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next
port of call for the great ship after New York City.
Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.
The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national
day of mourning which they still observe today.
It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
Mary Poppins visiting
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she
decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and
asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you
care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower
cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded
and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary
mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for
the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check
out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I
have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at
all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments
Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said
the receptionist.
"OK, I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who checked out, then scribbled a comment
into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had
written.
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!"
Smart snake breeder
There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to
mate. For the life of him, he couldn't get them within two feet of each other.
Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She
hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. "You know what I would
do?" she said. "See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized
log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and
the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it."
Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he
tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He
called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied,
"Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders
to multiply you need log tables."
Pleasing Sister Mary
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried,
could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since
the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the
fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking
wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted
to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then
Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this
instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey
is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye
shall re-sleeve."