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Medical terminology
Artery -- Study of paintings
Bacteria -- Back door of cafeteria
Barium -- What doctors do when treatment fails
Bowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section -- District in Rome
Cat scan -- Searching for kitty
Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
Colic -- Sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Diarrhea -- Journal of daily events
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker
Fibula -- A small lie
G.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball game
Grippe -- Suitcase
Hangnail -- Coathook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Intense pain -- Torture in a teepee
Labor pain -- Got hurt at work
Medical staff -- Doctor's cane
Morbid -- Higher offer
Nitrate -- Cheaper than day rate
Node -- Was aware of
Outpatient -- Person who had fainted
Pelvis -- Cousin of Elvis
Post operative -- Letter carrier
Protein -- Favoring young people
Rectum -- It almost killed him
Recovery room -- Place to do upholstery
Rheumatic -- Amorous
Scar -- Rolled tobacco leaf
Secretion -- Hiding anything
Seizure -- Roman emperor
Serology -- Study of knighthood
Tablet -- Small table
Terminal illness -- Sickness at airport
Tibia -- Country in North Africa
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- Opposite of you're out
Varicose -- Located nearby
Vein -- Conceited
A list of redneck computer terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go to da store.
Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name.
Terminal - Time to call da undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - A female Disco dancer.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers.
Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.
Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line.
Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test.
Rom - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch.
Serial port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
Scsi - What you call your week-old underwear.
A woman's dictionary
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're
right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a
policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped
the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up,
but, he, "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a
half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make
a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then
forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will
never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes
in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he
gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your
mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck."
After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and
children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or
swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a
candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a
card
Hick computer terms
Log On: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydrolic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Getting' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: What 'cha need for the black fly season.
Byte: That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: What 'cha did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang your keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: Whats eats the horses grain.
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in.
Random Access Memory: You can't remember whatcha' paid for that new rifle when
your wife asks.
Woman's instructions
THE WOMAN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was
spotless.
Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.
Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.
Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.
A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the
night".
Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered
to have lunch with.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you
laugh at his.
If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.
When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."
Guide for all women
A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:
I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.
I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.
I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.
I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.
WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.
WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!
YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!
LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then
you'd like to have sex with me.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.
The guide for all men
WOMEN?S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I?m sorry. = You?ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It?s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you
want... = You?ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don?t want you to.
I?m not upset = Of course I?m upset, you moron! You?re so manly = You need a
shave and you sweat a lot. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you
ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This
kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = ...and
carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean
hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love
me? = I?m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did
something today you?re really not going to like.
I?ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I?m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you?re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don?t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to
sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What?s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It?s just that you?re such an idiot!
A man's translations
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so
that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated:* "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated:* "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated:* Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated:* "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated:* "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated:* "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated:* "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first
girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated:* "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Translated:* "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated:* "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated:* "What did you catch me at?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated:* "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
Translated:* "I make the messes; she cleans them up."