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Real advertisements 01
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in
papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in
appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Real advertisements 02
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in
papers across the country.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the
lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
Real advertisements 03
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in
papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns
toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women
wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Real advertisements 04
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in
papers across the country.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Real advertisements 05
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in
papers across the country.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Real advertisements 06
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in
various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk
will please come early.
Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my
little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg
on the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward
and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen
in the church basement Saturday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
Signs and notices 01
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through
hardships : " DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS "
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt
your family. It's the law."
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly"
At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will
be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!"
Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of
the facts."
In restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the freeway in Boston during a MAJOR transformation of the streets and
bridges, etc: "Rome wasn't built in a day. If it was we would have hired their
contractor."
A sign in front of an advertising agency in south superhighway, Philippines: "A
BUSINESS WITH NO SIGN IS A SIGN OF NO BUSINESS"
A sign in front of a Macadamia Nut Factory in Hawaii: "Caution: Nuts crossing
road."
Signs and notices 02
On a ski lift in Taos, NM: 'No jumping from the lift. Survivors will
be prosecuted.'
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window
frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus. (translation of the Greek): 'Caution:
Road Slippery from Grapejuice'
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the
fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California. 'Slow Parking Ahead'
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International
Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with
the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:' Our hardware runs better
without WINDOWS!!!'
Two signs found on top of one another in a country kitchen several years ago:
Restrooms to the left. Please wait for the hostess to seat you.
Seen in a health food store. "Shoplifters will be beaten over the head with an
organic carrot"
"Children left unattended will be towed at parents expense."
I went to a little hole in the wall restaurant: the sign read: Women are not
served here. You have to bring your own.
Signs and notices 03
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass
container."
In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought
to see the manager."
On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full
extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy"
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot."
In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center"
Signs and notices 04
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church."
On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices
and workmanship."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in
multi-packs."
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our
washing machine do the dirty work."
In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They
won't last an hour!"
On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced"
Signs and notices 05
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can
come here?"
In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see
that the perpetual light is extinguished."
In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from
any but their own graves."
On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is
impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash
your car."
Signs and notices 06
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign in a realtor's office: "Lots for little."
Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."
Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."
Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."
Sign at entrance of the IRS: "Watch your step."
Sign at the exit of the IRS: "Watch your mouth."
Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."
Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
Signs and notices 07
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign on a scientist's door: "Gone fission."
Sign in a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."
Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
Sign in a car dealership office: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like."
Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Signs and notices 08
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's
chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics."
Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you."
Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?"
Sign at the dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."
Sign on a parking space at a garden nursery: "Reserved for plant manager."
Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water
served here."
Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the
bar."
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
Signs and notices 09
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Sign on music teachers' door: "Out Chopin."
Sign at the electic company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."
Sign in beauty shop window: "Dye now!"
Sign on a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
Sign at a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."
Sign on restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come in and get fed
up."
Sign in a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
Signs and notices 10
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign for a litter of dachshund pups: "Get a `long` little doggie!"
Sign in a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. In pencil
beneath the sign: Socks can eat anyplace they want."
Sign on a music library's door: "Bach in a minuet."
Sign in a restaurant window: "T-bone steak $1 Then, in fine print underneath:
With meat $12"
A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special. Below it
says: So's tomorrow."
Sign on restaurant window: "Great food (50,000 flies can't be wrong)."
Billboard facing the road in front of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll
wait."
Sign in a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends."
Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer
in this building will be temporarily suspended."
Signs and notices 11
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign on an asphalt truck: "Let us fill your crack!"
Office sign: "Ace exterminating - we kill bugs dead, walk-ins welcome."
Sign at a muffler shop: "No muff too tough for us!"
Sign on a government issue car: "Fulton county disaster coordinator."
Sign in a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notice.
Sign seen on an electricity pylon: DANGER! "To touch these wires will result in
instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."
Sign in a Japanese Hotel room: In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe
inside the tub.
Sign in a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit
up."
Signs and notices 12
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign on a Norfolk farm: "Trespassers beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser. The
ninth one just left."
Sign seen in London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs"
Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."
Sign in a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Sign in a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."
Sign in a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid."
Sign in a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid."
Sign in a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian composers, artists, and
writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Signs and notices 13
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign in a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service."
Sign at fast-food place: "PARKING FOR DRIVE-THRU CUSTOMERS ONLY!"
Sign outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."
Sign in a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation."
Sign from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by
15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past
two years."
Sign in an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers."
Sign in a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter."
Sign in an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists."
Signs and notices 14
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various
locations.
Sign in a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
Sign in the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin."
Sign on the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life."
Detour sign in Kobe, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
Sign in a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today -- no ice cream."
Sign in a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in
all directions."
Sign on the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it."
Sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar."