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Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week - Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?
I Gonna Back to Italy
(Attention: This must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.)
One day Ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I
tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella
her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna
two piss onna my plate. She say you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma
bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon
and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I
tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say better not fock
on table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna
ma bitch. So I go to my room inna hotel, and there is no sheit. I call the
manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the toilet. I say you
no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say you better not piss on bed you
sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch. I go
to the checkout and the man at the desk say: ''Peace unto you'' I say ''Piss
unto you too ya, sonna ma bitch. I gonna back to Italy''
Keeping In Under The Kilt
In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age"
and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.
A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor
shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material
to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here
and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for
it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"
So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the
order was completed.
A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt,
and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left
over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else
made of it."
So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and
donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house
to show off his new purchase.
Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well,
what'd ye think?"
"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he
lifted his kilt to show here.
;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite
proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"
The Three Stars
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a
jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught
by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen
of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like
it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They
then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered
grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to
shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a
screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing
happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass.
Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but
Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked
him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
Smart Cape Bretoner
These three men were stranded on an island: a Nefoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and
a Quebecian. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the
Nefoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, “I
will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you.” So the Newfoundlander
goes, “Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland.” So puff, he was sent to
Newfoundland.
Then the Quebecian jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I
want. TheQuebecian says, “I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be
1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and
nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec.” So the genie says okay and
builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada
and the Quebecian is back there.
So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, “Tell me more about this wall.” So
the genie tells him, “This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and
noting can pass in or out of Quebec.”
So the Cape Bretoner says, “Okay. Fill it with water.”
Hot Revenge
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals
who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them
there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you?
We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at
a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Talking Italian
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation
at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the
following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to
spella Mississippi.''
Little Old Lady Knows How to
Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,
for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my
lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today,
I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
Hoshimota
An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan and hires a hooker. The
whole night, this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!" He
can't quite remember what the word means, but he's sure he's pleased the hooker
to best of his ability. The next morning, he goes to play a game of golf with
his Japanese business partner when he makes a hole-in-one. Everyone is
congratulating him in Japanese and he can't think anything to say but "HOSHIMOTA!"
Concerned, his partner turns to him
"What do you mean it's in the wrong hole?"
Castroski
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and a Pollock?
Ricky Retardo
Getting Down Under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a
man who has never been with a woman sexually.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a
personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the
Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get
married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the
festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing
in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in
one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”
Blond Guy and HIs Lunch
There was a Irishman, Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers
and they were working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irsh man
opens his lunch pail and he gets cabbage and beef and he says, "If I get one
more beef and cabage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building."
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says if I get
one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building. The blond man opens
his lunch pale and gets a bologna sandwhich he siad if I get one more bologna
sandwhich I'm goona jump off of this building.
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabage and beef so he
jumps off the building to his death. Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and
finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death. Then the blond guy
opens his lunch pale and finds a bologna sandwhich, so he jumps off to his death
as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, ''Bagorrah, only if I
would have known that he didn't like cabage and beef I would have packed him
something else." Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't
like burritos, I would have packed something else. ''Finally, the blonde man's
wife siad '' I don't know what his problem was; he packed his own lunch.''
Big Testicles
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks
around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two
gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the
man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are
bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to
the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.
The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the
waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he
can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the
restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he
notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter,
and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull
wins''.
Zambian Roulette
As usual, things were not going well at the United Nations. Thus, many visiting
ambassadors had to room together. It just so happend that Vladimir, the Russian
Ambassador, and Umballa, the Zambian Ambassador, were sharing a suite. To pass
the time, Vladimir introduced his fellow dignitary to the Russian game of
roulette. He produced an antique Soviet revolver, and a single bullet. It took a
while, but he was finally able to explain the gist of the game to Umballa.
Intrigued and excited, Umballa loved the game. By the time the U.N. meeting was
over, the two had become fast friends. As they parted company at the airport,
Umballa told Vladimir, ''One day, you must visit my country, and try our version
of your roulette.''
A year later, Vladimir was in Zambia, and looked up his old friend. Umballa
remembered him, and welcomed him with open arms.
''I have come, my comrade, to try your game.''
''Very well. Come with me.'' Umballa took his friend before six, buck-naked bush
women. ''Pick one. Any one. And she will give you a blowjob.''
''But my friend, where is the danger in this?''
Umballa replied with a toothy smile, ''One of them is a cannibal.''
Dog Train
During WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat to a
supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his
feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for
two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You bloody
Americans are so rude," she said. "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?" He
walked through the train once more and still could not find a seat. He found
himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog
if I could sit down," he said. The lady replied, "You Americans are not only
rude you are arrogant too."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady,
I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest
for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady
replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious!"
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it
out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed
Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.
"Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you
or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on
the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand,and now you
have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
Language Barriers
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese
yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the
teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and
shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
Free-Throw
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The
French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. ''Why did you do
that?''asked the other men.
''We have plenty of fine wine in France,'' said the man.
Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. ''Why did you do
that?'' asked the other men.
"'We have plenty of cigars in Cuba,'' said the Cuban man.
Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throws him off the cliff.
''What did you do that for?'' asked the French man.
''We have plenty of Cubans in America."
Sex and The Country
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this
morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and
this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love
another man."
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once," he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this
morning?"
"Don't stop."
Top 10 Reasons To Live In Nova
Scotia
1. The only place in North America to get bombed in the war...by a moron who set
a munitions ship on fire
2. Your province is shaped like male genitalia
3. Everyone is a fiddle player
4. If someone asks if you're a Newfie, you are allowed to kick their ass
5. The local hero is an insane, fiddle playing, sexual pervert
6. The province that produced Rita MacNeil, the world's largest land mammal
7. You are the reason Anne Murray makes money
8. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to wear a kilt
9. The economy is based on fish, lobster, and fiddle music
10. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's
most beautiful city