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Top ten ways to annoy your
waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995
with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner,
would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
A practical joke involving jello
Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas
party:
A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food
coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult
to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of
gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is
unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others
politely swallowed.
Improving fry cooking time
In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of
Secretary of Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research
scientists hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National
Laboratory's helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team
headed by physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons,
placed sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying
baskets to deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to
cut 30 to 40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
You should learn to be more
polite
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the
waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for
himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The smaller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want,
right?"
The family of tomatoes
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the
little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to
the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says,
"Ketchup!"
Food one-liners
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission
Chips."
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew her
stack.
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring
curry.
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley
of the Dills.
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
You can now eat your own plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a
delicious meal can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had perfected
an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to mass-produce it
and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at about 7
cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn - can
boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The only
disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
Purchasing mailing lists
With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's
little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible.
In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased
the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
Purchasing power of burgers
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the
Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies
can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular
sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by
economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing
power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an
instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products
used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every country
on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he
exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely
obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the institute
said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one
sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty capitalist
achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW said.
Ice cream flavor galore
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice
cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion,
chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and
spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and
tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe
Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat
transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and
three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow
impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until
the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by
three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add
ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at
this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the
result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal
on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that
is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS,
21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet
on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
What is this?
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup
du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is
this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
Sorry for eating the peanuts
A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is
taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few
magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your
peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, I
don't care for them anyway."
Studying the twinkies
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and
unusual physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack
logs to the following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a
half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential
source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the
Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie was
subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When
cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying
gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife. Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the
freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan -
in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis
were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can
be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989
An error publishing an article
From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle
Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms.
They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find
their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed
Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
Food fight in a store
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his
24-year-old girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store.
After arguing loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other.
Eventually, the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks,
sending the contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the
floor, she allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
I have a Microsoft waiter
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be
the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork
instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you
using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the
bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my
soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your
soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00