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What's on your back?
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to
the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large
Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts
on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on
your back?"
"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes
his ten lashings without a single flinch.
"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.
He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."
Marketing translations
Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing
corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run
into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe
the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,
the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been
printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed
with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese
characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be
loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated
in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your
mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured
out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say
"It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company
mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads
said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.
English is really crazy
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries
in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are
meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither
from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of
booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance
be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather
be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and
an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are
invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this
essay, I end it.
Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across
country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says "
We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next
airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can
survive"
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath
and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs
the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
A cultural comparison
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your
club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the
point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered
to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to
Britain, where everybody loves them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and
how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport
they play them in.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an
attempt to be cool.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a
backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a
backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, bad-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, bad-tasting beer.
Brits: Drink warm, bad-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited
things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Measuring on the job
There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one
guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would
then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape
measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane
operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another
pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they
couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies
replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".
Why English is tough
Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.
1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
English is very strange
Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you
would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of
order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one
roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a
compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and
hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Defining these words
For more than 30 years, New York magazine has run a contest in which
contestants take a well-known foreign language expression, change a single
letter, and provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some
favorites.
Harlez-vous fran?s?
CAN YOU DRIVE A FRENCH MOTOCYCLE?
Cogito Eggo Sum.
I THINK; THEREFORE I AM A WAFFLE.
Rigor morris.
THE CAT IS DEAD.
Repondez-vous s'il vous plaid.
HONK IF YOU'RE SCOTTISH.
Que sera serf.
LIFE IS FEUDAL.
Posh mortem.
DEATH STYLES OF THE RICH AND FAMOUS.
Pro Bozo publico
SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLOWN.
Ap?Moe le deluge.
LARRY AND MOE GOT WET.
Haste cuisine.
FAST FRENCH FOOD.
Veni, vidi, vice.
I CAME, I SAW, I PARTIED.
Mazel ton.
TONS OF LUCK.
Aloha oy.
LOVE; GREETINGS; FAREWELL; FROM SUCH A PAIN YOU SHOULD NEVER KNOW.
Visa la France.
DON'T LEAVE YOUR CHATEAU WITHOUT IT.
L'?t, c'est moo.
I'M BOSSY AROUND HERE.
Cogito, ergo spud.
I THINK, THEREFORE I YAM.
(OK, more than 1 letter.)
Veni, vidi, velcro
I CAME, I SAW, I STUCK AROUND.
(OK, another exception.)
Angering the Irishman
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of
the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and
said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was
a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't
know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St.
Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right.
He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder
and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Mexican is at border
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've
got to go back across the border right now."
The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA!
Pleeeze!"
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and
says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now
use them in 1 sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok.
The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"
Texas builds it larger
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a
taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the
cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied
the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the
Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.
"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down
in Texas, and we do that in six months."
A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention
Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the
Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How
long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the
cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four
times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."
Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building
there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the
cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."
Facts about Americans
Facts about Americans. Did you know that . . .
Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it
correctly.
40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs).
3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up
to
higher denominations.
13% of us admit to occassionally doing our offspring's homework.
91% of us lie regularly.
27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high
prices of snack foods.
90% believe in divine retribution.
10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
82% believe in an afterlife.
45% believe in ghosts.
13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
35% give to charity at least once a month.
How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends,
family, and church. 7% would murder.
69% eat the cake before the frosting.
When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
85% of us will eat Spam this year.
70% of us drink orange juice daily.
Snickers is the most popular candy.
22% of us skip lunch daily.
9% of us skip breakfast daily.
66% of us eat cereal regularly.
22% of all restaurant meals include french fries.
14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
45% use mouthwash every day.
22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair.
9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
58% of women paint their nails regularly.
33% of women lie about their weight.
10% of us claim to have seen a ghost.
57% have had deja vu.
49% believe in ESP.
44% have broken a bone.
Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
14% have attended a self-help meeting.
15% regularly go to a shrink.
78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host.
29% of us ignore RSVP.
71.6% of us eavesdrop.
22% are functionally illiterate.
Less than 10% are trilingual.
37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up their spouse even for a night for a million
U.S. dollars.
20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
40% of us have had music lessons.
44% reuse tinfoil.
57% save pretty gift paper to reuse.
66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit
for doing it from scratch.
53% read their horoscopes regularly.
16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men).
59% of us say we're average-looking.
Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers.
51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
2 out of 5 have married their first love.
The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
6% propose over the phone.
71% can drive a stick-shift car.
45% of us consistantly follow the speed limit.
2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
12% of men never use their car blinkers.
44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
25% of us drive after we've been drinking.
4 out of 5 sing in the car.
Caught by a local tribe
A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by
cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've
caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat
you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you can choose how to die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the
Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the
Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his
brains out.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and
gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all
over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out
all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you
doing?"
And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
How to speak Southern
WORLD FAMOUS SOUTHERN TALK
BECOME A NATIVE SOUTHERNER
How to talk native SOUTHERN in one easy lesson
Aig - What a hen lays
Aints - He's got aints in his paints
Paints - What cha put on your laigs of a mornin
Arn - Ma's tard of arnin
Bag - He bagged her to marry him
Bobbed - A bobbed wire fence
Bresh - He had a bresh with the law, and the law won.
Bub - the light bub burned out
Cheer - What you set in
Crick - A small stream
Clum - He sure clum that tree fastern any 'coon
Chiny - country over in Asia
Chuch duds - Sunday go-to-meetin clothes
Core - He got hisself a new Ford core
Cyow - Animal on Farm
Deppity - He helps out the shurf
Dribbed - He dribbed milk on his shirt
Dainz - Satidy night social
Ellum - A graceful tree
Fanger - What you put your rang on
Faince - Whats round the hawg lot
Far - What get the brandin arn hot
Furred - He got furred from his job
Flar - A rose is a purdy flar
Frash - Them aigs ain't frash
Furiners - All non-'bamans
Further - Hits ten miles further to town
Grain - She was grain with envy
Hail - Where bad folks go
Hep - Poor George, he can't hep it, he was born with a silver spoon in his
mouth.
Hern - It aint hern, it's his'n
Hilbilly - People in the next county
Hollar - Whats between the hills
Hard - Got a brend new hard
hand Tar - His core blew a tar
Laymun - A sour fruit
Laig - Most folks have two of them
Lather - What you climb up
Liberry - Where you go to check out books for larnin
Mailk - what you get from cyows
Mere - What you see your self in
Minners - Live bait
Misrus - Married Woman
Nar - Opposite of wide
Nayk - Your head sets on it
Nup - No
Orrel - Them hinges need orrel
Ormy - What the sojers go in
Pank - A light red color
Parch - Sit out on the parch and watch the grass grow
Petition - What separate the rooms
Poke - A paper bag or sack
Pokey - What the shurf and deppity puts crimnals in Poke
Salit - A green vegetable
Puppet - What the preacher is in
Purdy - She is purdy as a pitcher
Purt near - Almost; he purt near caught that greased pig
Rang - You wear it on your fanger
Rut - That there tree sure has long ruts
Rah cheer - I was born rah cheer in town
Rainch - A big cow farm
Rat - Do it rat now!
Rench - Rench the soap yourself
Roont - She plum roont her shoes
Salary - A stringy vegetable
Soardeens - Small canned fish
Shar - A light rain
Gully Worsher - A medium heavy rain
Toad strangler - A heavy rain Sody
Pop - A soft drink
Sprang - Water out'n the ground
Shurf - The Shurf put Clem in jail
Storch - This here aprn has to much storch in it
Skeered - that plumb skeered me to death
Thanks - He shore thanks he's smart
Tho - Tho me the ball
Thoat - I shore got a sore thoat
War - A bobbed war fance
Worsh - Go worsh your face
Warter - What you worsh your face in
Yurp - A continent overseas