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Top Reasons Eminem's Wife Filed
for Divorce
--That comment about Elton being "twiice the woman" she ever was.
--Caught Eminem fantasizing about killing other women.
--Sick of hiding her love for the Insane CClown Posse.
--Sure, he talks and raps like a black mann, but when he takes down his pants...
--Would rather end up like Nicole Kidman tthan Nicole SIMPSON.
--Overheard 5-year-old daughter shouting, "Faggot!" while watching "Mr. Rogers".
--Recently overtaken by a strange and unfaamiliar compulsion to live past the age
of 35.
--I mean come on, people. . . the dude LOSST TO STEELY DAN!!!
--Thanks to a recent surgery, her head's nno longer implanted deep within her own
rectum.
...And The Top Reason Eminem's Wife Filed For Divorce. . .
--Sick of dating a rich, famous, abusive bbastard. Would like to try a poor,
unknown abusive bastard for a change.
Jacko Christmas
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Santa?
Nothing, they both leave children's bedrooms with empty sacks!
The Three Stars
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a
jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught
by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen
of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like
it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They
then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered
grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to
shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a
screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing
happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass.
Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but
Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked
him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
Kemosabe Waters the Bushes
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger jad
to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and
then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a
snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has
been bit by a snake what do I do?"
The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot
where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."
Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What
did the doctor say?"
Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"
Tarzan, King of the Elephant
Trunk
Tarzan gets into a huge fight with a lion in the jungles of Africa. The lion is
defeated, but not before it rips off Tarzan's arm, eye, and dick. Of course,
Tarzan's jungle friends help him out by giving him the parts he needs -- the eye
of an eagle, the arm of a gorilla, and an elephant trunk for a dick. A while
later, Cheeta the Chimp asks Tarzan how his new parts are working out for him.
"Tarzan like. With new eye, can see far. With new arm, Tarzan strong. But no
like new wee-wee."
"Why's that?"
"It keep taking weeds and shoving in Tarzan's ass."
Replacing Vanna
Q: Why is it so hard to replace Vanna White?
A: They can't find another blonde who knows the whole alphabet.
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a
small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands
on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde
jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women
in general...and all in the name of humor!''
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells,
''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's
slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window
and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy
had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy,
unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The
astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window
and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring,
"Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the
window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He
takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy
runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground,
slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back
into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he
doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila
and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk,
Superman."
Britney Spears 'n' Pepsi
What does Britney Spears and pepsi have in common?
They both come with plastic jugs
RIng of Power
In the movie, "Lord of the Rings" why does the Ring of Power glow?
Because it gets fingered by the Hobbit.
Mickey, Minnie and Goofy
One day Mickey Mouse woke up and Minnie wasn't there. He went to look for her
and, as he stepped outside, he saw “Mickey sucks” written in a yellow liquid in
the snow. He investigated and realizedthere was good news and bad news: it was
Goofy's urine, but Minnie's handwriting.
Hollywood Lessons
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around
in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days
before their retirement.
All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit level of a woman,
but only the waist level of the man lying beside her.
At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system
of any invading alien society.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch enemies
using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses,
lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least a
half-hour to escape.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake
of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince
when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before
long.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in
their most revealing underwear.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the
steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so
you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly
choose to cut the right wire.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
Things You Wouldn't Know Without
Movies
-It is always possible to park directly ouutside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once hee has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the strreet, everyone you bump into will know
all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enoughh to override the communication systems
of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outtnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by aa blow to the head, they will never
suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijackingg, explosion, volcanic eruption or
alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers peersonality tests to make sure they are
deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefeer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you nneed one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card oor a paper clip in seconds, unless
it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to killl a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually containn a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Joke for Limeys
What do George Michael and Wellington Boots have in common?
They both get sucked off in bogs.
Mistaken Identity
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her
over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
Eternal Judgment
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on
one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and
can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them.
So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new
quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become
fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul
disappears.
Eternal Judgment
Ru Paul, Bill Gates, and Roger Ebert are all struck by lightning on the same
day. All three find themselves in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. They
start begging him to give them another chance at life. St. Peter agrees but on
one condition: they each have to give up something they truly enjoy.
Ru Paul says, "I really love men, but I will give up screwing around with them."
Bill Gates says, "I really love money, but I will give up all the money I have."
Ebert says." I really love food, but I'll give up pizza."
Soon, all three find themselves back on Earth. They start walking down street
feeling very grateful. Suddenly, Ebert spots a pizzeria. He smells the aroma and
can't help himself — he runs in there and eats a slice of pizza. POOF! He
disappears.
Ru Paul and Bill Gates are astonished and agree that that won't happen to them.
So they resume walking down the street when Bill Gates spots a shiny, new
quarter. He thinks that if he picks it up, he can found a new company and become
fabulously wealthy again. He bends down to pick up the quarter and POOF! Ru Paul
disappears.
Things In Football That Sound
Dirty -- But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
The Lyin' King
What's the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?
One's an African lion, and the other's a lion African.