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Relieving Stress in Class
1. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no,
rip the pages out of your textbook.
3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At
Least for the Male profs.)
4. Address the professor as "your excellency".
5. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
6. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
7. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
8. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
9. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
10. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become agitated when the professor can't understand you.
11. Wink at the professor every few minutes. (Hey you might even get a date if
he/she is cute.)
12. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
13. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I
borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily
function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the
toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the
stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper
and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you
kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna
do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers
Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see
your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
Final Exam Failure
Last semester I took macroeconomics and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as
cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some
reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for
everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed.
The following day, the professor asked to see me after class. "Is everything
okay?" "Sure," I said, "why? "Well, here's your test," he said and handed me a
piece of paper that was covered with red ink. "Can you explain why you chose an
'A' for everything?"
Knowing that there was nothing I could do at this point, I said, "Well, I've
always wanted to be an 'A' student."
College Roast
Q: How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?
A: So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on
Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week.
Q: Why did O.J. Simpson go to Raliegh, NC in the Ford Bronco?
A: He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Duke player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
A: They didn't want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Q: Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
Q: How many Duke freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because that's a sophomore course at Florida State and Virginia.
Special High Intensity Teaching
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you
feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the course, please see
your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and
our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle.
Students who don't know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL
EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).
Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to
EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our lecturers took
S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they
are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be
intersted in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC
UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL
RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course emphasizes on how to manage
M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.
If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.) Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Sincerely, Dean B. Reel
Clemson Wedding -- A long, true
story
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. This was a huge wedding with over 300 guests. After the wedding at
the reception, the groom got up on stage and took the microphone to talk to the
crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the
bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for
providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing
gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from
just him. Taped to the bottom of everyone's chair (even the chairs of the
wedding party) was a manila envelope. He said that was his gift to everyone, and
told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with
the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.) After he stood there and
watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best
man and said ''F--- you !'' he then turned to the bride and said ''F--- you !''
and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said..... ''Thanks, I'm out of
here.''
He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning. While most of us
would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the
affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His
revenge: 1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding
and reception. 2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen. 3) And best of
all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their
friends, their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, nieces and nephews,
etc.... Ya gotta love this guy.
Men vs. Women vs. the Short
Story
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well, here's a
prime example offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is
simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his other immediate
right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The
partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of my English students, Rebecca
[last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile,
which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too
much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she
felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was
suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up
again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in
orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses
of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty
night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the
direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last
pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had
feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently
Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The
news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with
no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent
wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium
fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human
race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet.
With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The
lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of
Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the
sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing
partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing
are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
You Know You're Out Of College
When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little
less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Movie Magic
Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. After 15 minutes passed one girl
leaned over and whispered to her friend, "What should I do? The guy sitting next
to me is masturbating."
Her friend replied, "Don''t do anything. Just ignore it."
The first girl said, "I can''t."
Her friend, "Why can''t you ignore it?"
The first one says, "Because he''s using my hand!"
Drug Used to Seduce Men
Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There
is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer"
is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male
victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All
girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy
home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against
such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in
numbers...
Freshman Guide to Bra Removal
OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.
WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense
TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook
bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten
minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of
wicked laughter.
DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic,
staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and
hammer.
WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"
Texan Poetry
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists.
One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family;
well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a
redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in
one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the
clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The
clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last
few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
Stoner Shopping Trip
A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any
weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So
he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind
the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't
sell marijuana." So the man went home.
He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working
there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You
freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap
here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail
your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So
the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face.
He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then
replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got
any weed?"
Hell Freezes Over
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering,
Final Exam for May of 1997 consisted of only one question. Dr. Schambaugh is
known for asking questions such as, ''Why do airplanes fly?'' on his final
exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat
and Mass Transfer II class was:
''Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.''
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving
into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for souls entering hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we
can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of
souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose. 2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes
over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan
during Freshman year, ''that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with
you'' and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true. Thus, hell is
exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
How to Write a College Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of
freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Check your email.
3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you
concentrate.
5. Check your email.
6. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from
class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to
McDonald's and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you
her paper, typed, double-spaced and bound in one of those irritating see-thru
plastic folders, drop her.
7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a
clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
9. Check your email.
10. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth
grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can
concentrate.
11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it, seriously, as soon
as it's over you are going to start that paper.
13. Listen to the other side.
14. Check your email.
15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if she's started writing yet.
Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the
world at large.
17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
18. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor
their special flavor.
19. Check your email.
20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly
worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours,
anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to “Sgt. Preston of the Yukon” is truly
worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowlers Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche
21. Catch the last hour of “Soul Brother of Kung Fu” on Channel 26.
22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the
finer points of the plot.
23. Check your email.
24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom miror.
25. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask whoeveryone is.
26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trenchcoated
strangers lurking in the hall.
28. Check your email.
29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with
plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for heck of it.
31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
32. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
33. Check your email.
34. Leap up and write the paper.
35. Type the paper, and while you're at it, check your email.
36. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write
that darn paper.
Sexually Exhausted Jock
At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches
the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class
and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.
"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''
''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your
Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after
your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days,
and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He
just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how
much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room
with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and
say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at
your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one
pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend
to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later
on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for
several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your
roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich.
Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is
my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as
you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at
your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the
bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want
to watch them suffer.'''
Montana Ghost Story
A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the
supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in
ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that's a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That's really good,” continues the professor, “I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That's a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you
ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I've been
giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the
podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’
College Rules
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some
of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male
dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any
questions?"
"How much for a season pass?"
Counting Condoms
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"
Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."
Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"
Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."
Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"
Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."