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Mounted Cop
There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his
new shiny bike stopped beside him.
''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''
''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''
The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''
To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.
The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the
dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
Cartwheeling for Cash
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars
from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing
cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got
ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a
cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Little Johnny Stands Up
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her
class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think
you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Johnny Answers the
Question
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are
left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one.
How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think"
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women at the ice cream parlor. One is licking,
one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny; "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you
think."
Punishment in Heaven
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the
ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
same happens to the second guy. He asks why.
St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The
third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like
that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys
ask, ''Why?''
''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''
Rubbing Her The Right Way
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's
bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her
bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed,
started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
Dolly Parton's Kids
Q: How can you find Dolly Parton's kids in a crowd?
A: They're the ones with the stretchmarks on their lips.
Hide the Duke
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After
dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving
him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's
chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.
"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out
another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything
out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.
"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
Little Joey
Little Joey was sitting in the back of class rubbing his crotch, and the teacher
asked, “Joey what are you doing?” Joey replied, “Teacher, my mommy had me
circumsized yesterday and it still hurts.” So the teacher sent Joey to the
principal's office to call his mother and ask what he should do.
When Joey came back from the office, the teacher noticed that he had his penis
hanging out. Shocked, the teacher asked, “Joey, what are you doing!?” Joey
answered, “Mommy told me to stick it out till lunch and then she would be here
to pick me up.”
Good, Bad, Worse
Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband
Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The techer is a he.
Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
Taste Test
A teacher was having a tasting day where she would put candy in the kids' mouth
and they would guess what it was. She went to the first little boy and put a
Hershey's Kiss in his mouth.
"Can you guess what it is?"
"I don't know," said the boy.
"I'll give you a hint. It's something your daddy asks your mommy for every
morning."
The girl next to the boy says "Don't eat it. It's a piece of ass."
Birdy
There was a man sunbathing on a beach naked. A girl came along and pointed to
his dingly dangly and asked, "what is that?" He replied, "It's my bird!"
She ran away to play in the sand cheerfully. The man fell asleep. zZzZzZz. Later
he woke up in hospital with pain around his groin. He did not know what had gone
wrong. He thought back maybe the girl might know, so once he was out of the
hospital he asked her.
She replied, "I played with the bird and it spat at me so I cracked its neck,
broke its eggs, and burnt its nest."
Damned if I know
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present
what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made
a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher
asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''
''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was
missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot
himself."
Perfect Penis
Little Johnny walked in one day on his daddy in the bathroom. He asked his
father what that was hanging between his legs. His father replied that it was
the perfect penis. The next day at school, Johnny pulled his pants down in front
of his classmates.
''What's that?'' asked Jenny.
''Well,'' said Johnny, ''if it was about 3 inches smaller, it would be the
perfect penis.'''
The Career Ambitions of Babies
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they
would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked
why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's
kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was
kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "so I can get some
lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious,
and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you
want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who
keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
Having to Take a Whisper
Once there was a liitle boy in church. He had to go to the bathroom so he told
his mother, ''Mommy, I have to piss.''
The mother said, ''Son don't say piss in church. Next time you have to piss,
say, 'whisper' because it is more polite.
The next Sunday, the litle boy was sitting by his father this time, and once
again, he had to go to the bathroom.
He told his father, ''Daddy I have to whisper.''
The father said, ''OK. Here, whisper in my ear.''
Bombed Outta My Head
Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town
they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped
a bomb, just for fun. They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The
first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw
another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child
laughing his head off.
"What's so funny?" they asked him.
"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."
Bathtub Anxieties
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly
the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
Redneck Baby
You might be a redneck if your baby's first words were, "Attention, K-mart
shoppers."
An APB On God
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous.
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident
that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved
in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about
their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give
it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old
was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even
more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in
his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What
happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing
and they think we did it!"