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The Proxy Father
The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and
said, ''I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the
doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ''Good morning, madam. You don't know me but
I've come to....''
''Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you,'' Mrs. Smith cut in.
''Really ?'' the photographer asked. ''Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies.''
''That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just
where do we start?'' asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
''Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and
perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can
really spread out.''
''Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.''
''Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results.''
''I hope we can get this over with quickly,'' gasped Mrs. Smith.
''Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out
in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.''
''Don't I know!'' Mrs. Smith exclaimed. The photographer opened his briefcase
and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ''This was done on the top of a
bus in downtown London.''
''Oh my god!!'', Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
''And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
was so difficult to work with.'' The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
''She was difficult ?'' asked Mrs. Smith.
''Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done
right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good
look.''
''Four and five deep?'' asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
''Yes,'' the photographer said.
''And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and
yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to
rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just packed it all in.'' Mrs. Smith leaned forward.
''You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?''
''That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
can get to work.''
''Tripod??'', Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
''Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me
to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's
fainted!''
The Reason Why I Fired My
Secretary
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that
morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say
“Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say “Good Morning,” alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought,
“Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy
Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's
such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you
and me.” I said, “By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's
go.”
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She
said, “Let's go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said,
“Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into
something more comfortable.”
“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six
minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife,
children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there
on the couch I sat... naked.
Yo mama's... stupid
Yo Mama is so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.
From the WordPerfect Help Desk
This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help
desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect
organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes
into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your
computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the
window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have
the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when
you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Little Old Lady Knows How to
Gamble
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a
savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After much hemming and hawing,
the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office.
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The
president was, of course, curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he
asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did
you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets."
The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well,
for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the
president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old
lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady
then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my
lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident
president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time
in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 am, the little old lady appeared with her
lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and
repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president
agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they
could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his
balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president,"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the
wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your
lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $50,000 that at 10 am today,
I'd have the president of the Bank of Canada's balls in my hand."
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses
and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to
where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all
the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally
the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the
Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet
twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually
they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the
shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Mountain Bike
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300
mountain bike.
"How'd you get that, son?"
"By hiking."
"Hiking?"
"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."
How to Annoy Your Co-Workers
1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them
one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a
different gender than you.
3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachie."
4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're
doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did
this.
6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone
Madge.
7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a
printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.
8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they
want fries with that.
10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual
debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
chair-dancing.
12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".
13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the
lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean
back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn
from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
Gags For The Office Drone
Run one lap around the office at top speed
Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other 'no-player'must be in
the bathroom at the time)
Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you
Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just
called to say I can't talk right now. Bye"
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and
grimace.
When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,"Mmmmmmm,
that feels soooooo good!"
Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I
really prefer it this way"
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
THREE-POINT GAGS
Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled
fingers
Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't
want to have to repeat it"
Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice)
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there
must be a 'non-player' within sight).
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT GAGS
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude
with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch
into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing
irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".
After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamacian accent.
As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.
While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter,
"Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce "As God is my witness, I'll
never go hungry again".
In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear
that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now"
Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it"
Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four
at a local resturant. Let him go.
Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important
conference call.
Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act
genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets
How To Sell Lawnmowers
A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer
said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the
new hire as a man came up to the counter.
The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to
him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're
going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I
do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."
After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me
handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box
of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new
lawnmower to go with that."
The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he
said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"
Fishing For a Sale
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In
fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The
boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close
up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department
and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his
Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car
department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a
guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and
I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
Helisoft
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction
disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications
equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall
building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot
asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically
correct but completely useless answer."
Priestly Duties
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his
boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going
to let him get away with this?''
''No, I guess not,'' says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone
he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first
swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''
To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''
The Hired Help
An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't
handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The
only job applicants were the town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So
she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm
back together.
The old woman was pleased with the work and worn out, so she decided to give
herself and her hired hand the night off. Both went out to dinner, she with her
friends and he with his. But when the old woman got home, he wasn't there. When
he finally came in, she told him, “I'm your boss so you have to do what I tell
you.”
The gay guy said, “Okay.”
So she said, “Take my shoes off,” so he did.
She said, “Take my stockings off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.
She said, “Take my bra off,” so he did.
Then she said, “Take my panties off,” so he did.
Finally, she said, “You leave this house wearing my clothes one more time and
you're fired.”
Dog Day Afternoon
A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like
you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I
got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired
me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?''
The guy says, ''I said BAD DOG!''
Workplace Farting: Options
Explored
Whether the cause is a previous night of drinking or a big lunch, the outcome is
the same: Farts.
Seventy percent of the time, we can dispense freely. The other 30% of the time,
such as at work, we have some tough decisions to make. This document is intended
to help you in those decisions.
Holders - The obvious choice is just plain holding it in. A popular choice among
the females and an almost impossible choice for males. I am not in favor of
holding, as I believe the medical community has not done enough research about
the long-term damage of holding. Really, where does it go if you hold it in? So
be forewarned, using this tactic is to be done at your own risk.
Desk Jockey - When deciding to release right at your desk, one has many factors
to consider:
- Do you have your own office? Feel free too fart at will risk free. After
commencing, I highly recommend locking the door and feigning you are not in the
office to avoid any unwanted visitors. I also highly recommend against spraying
air freshener, as the smell of the freshener is a dead giveaway. Candles are a
good alternative solution for the females.
- Are you seated at a cubicle or open desk?? If so, one has to consider the
proximity of the other workers and the density of workers in the area. If it is
just you and one other person in the area, there is nowhere to place the blame.
If others are fairly distant to you, the smell will dissipate by the time it
reaches the others on all but the most egregious of days. There is always the
chance of dispensing at higher decibels than anticipated due to the highly
unstable nature of farts. In these most unfortunate situations, you will have to
use cover up sounds such as scraping your heal on the floor. I recommend
practicing making sounds covering a wide range of tones and pitches in
anticipation of such an event. Dropping objects such as staplers, binders and
tape may not produce a similar sound, but if done in rapid succession could
distract others from the initial event.
Meetings: - Sometimes the urge strikes at the most inopportune time. Meetings
and gas really do not mix. Releasing at a meeting is by far the trickiest of all
the situations one could find oneself in. Although I am against holding in
general, a meeting may be the time for it. It really depends if you have
established baseline farts before the meeting. This will give you a sense of the
decibel and scent level of what is to be expected. Warning: Do not ever use a
meeting as the place to establish a baseline. Of course none of the above
applies if you are meeting with vendors. You have free reign to do whatever you
like.
Aisle Walker: - Releasing while walking around the office is a popular option.
By the time the scent disseminates, you should be nowhere near the scene of the
incident. The added benefit is that if the release is done at higher decibels
than anticipated, you can break out into an all out sprint thereby fleeing the
scene before others even look up to notice.
Broom Closet: - One option is to find a broom closet and release inside the
closet. The only drawback is explaining why you were in the broom closet if you
are caught entering or leaving the closet. I found stashing stationery supplies
in the closet provides a nice excuse. People will love you for informing them
about the backup stationery supply cabinet. Of course, you then have to find
another closet, as your original place will become too risky.
And remember, if you're workplace has many open flames, you are on your own.
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female
boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never
know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets
some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home
to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of
the house and returns at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
Yo Mama's So Dumb... Job
Application
Yo' mama so dumb, when she filled out her job application and it said ‘sex,’ she
wrote “not lately.”
Double Entendres Out The Wazoo
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one
employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help
guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of
course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's
situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the
day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have
to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'