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You Know You're Out Of College
When...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that "Bachelor" is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary, which is a little
less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.
Drug Used to Seduce Men
Men, please read this if you go to bars or clubs:
Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There
is a drug called "beer" that is essentially in liquid form.
The most effective varieties are being shipped in from other countries. "Beer"
is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male
victims to have sex with them.
The shocking statistic is that this "beer" is available virtually anywhere! All
girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy
home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against
such attacks. Please! Forward this to every man you know... There is safety in
numbers...
Ha, The Joke's On You
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would
always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his
secret for being able to sneak in late.
"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down,
take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she
has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to
bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."
One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes
home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had,
and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's
home so late.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.
"I was was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
Jill's Legs
So this new bar opens and the owner can't think of a name. So he decides to name
the bar after the 3rd person who walks in. It takes dosen't take long and soon
the 3rd customer walks in.
The owner jumps up and walks over to the girl. “You're the 3rd person to enter
my bar and I'm going to name it after you.”
“Okay,” she says, “my name is Jill.”
The owner looks her over and says, “I like your legs so I'm going to name the
bar 'Jill's Legs'”
The next day a bum is sitting outside the bar and a cop askes him what he's
doing. He answers, “Waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a drink!”
Uncle Ted's Morals
Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes
home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy
raises her hand and says, "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the
chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well,
one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto
the road."
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your
eggs in one basket."
Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the
chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs
hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''
Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with
only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he
floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun,
but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The
blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''
The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to
his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''
Bad Car Day
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was
wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked.
The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't
listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I
knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over
the border yet?"
Watch and Learn
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing
it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing
panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"
Brother is
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double
vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When
the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just
found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double
vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
Man Pisses in a Shot Glass
A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool
and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks
over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he
says to the bartender,'' I'd like to make a bet with you.'' The bartender
replies, ''Sure I'm in a betting mood.'' So the man bets the bartender $1,000
that he can piss in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill
it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, ''I'll take that bet.''
So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down.
He goes back to the bartender and starts pissing. He doesn't even get a drop in.
He pisses all over the place. In the bartender's face, all over the barstools
and everything. After he was done pissing, the bartender laughed and said, ''You
owe me $1,000.'' The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The
bartender asked, ''How come you're so happy?'' The man replied, ''You see those
five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss
all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.''
A man walks out of a bar totally
hammered...
A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.
She takes one look at him.
"You, sir, are drunk!"
"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!"
Beer Consumption
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you
are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over
and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened
to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and
see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns
on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH
you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time
continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to
"disappear."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
All I Want Is a Beer!
A man was out of town on business. While sitting around his hotel he became
bored. So he thought to himself, "Hmm, a beer would be really nice right now."
So he began to wander the streets of the unfamiliar city, looking for a bar.
And, after a few minutes he came across one. He casually went inside and took a
seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and asks the man what he is drinking. Anxiously, the man
says, "Bud Light please."
The bartender then asked what the name of his penis was. The man looked at him
with confusion and said, "What are you talking about? All I want is a Bud Light
and, besides, I have no name for my penis."
The bartender, calming the man, said, "Look around, all you see is men. That is
because this is a gay bar. And the tradition is, when you order a drink, you
state the name of your penis. Then I'll serve you a drink."
The man, really thirsty for a beer, now says, "Fine. Give me couple of minutes
to think, and I'll order when I come up with something."
So he is thinking about it for a couple of minutes and still can't come up with
anything. So he decides to ask the guy next to him for an idea. The man states,
in a feminine voice, "Well I call mine Timex, because it takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin."
The man quickly turns away and asks another man to his right. That man states in
a deep, gruff voice, "I call my Ford, because it is built ram tough. Have you
driven a Ford lately?"
Again, the man quickly turns away. Then, suddenly he says, "Bartender, come
here, I am ready to order."
The bartender says, "What'll ya have?"
The man says, "A Bud Light please."
The bartender asks, "What is the name of your penis?"
The man responds, "Secret... strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
Redneck Drivers
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right
before they get into an auto accident.
89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, shit!''
In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
Three Drunk Men
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they got
at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Piss Drunk
One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a
beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha
$20 I can bite my eye."
The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and
bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and
says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other
eye."
Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false
eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites
his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves
and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender,
"Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus.
Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this
end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."
The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man
wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the
bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.
"What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and
more!"
Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss
all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."
I Ain't 'Fraid Of No Ghost
A very sick man is in the hospital, and on many drugs which give him bowel
problems. After many false alarms, he accidentally craps himself.
Very embarrassed, he balls up the sheets and throws them out the window, where a
drunk is staggering on the way home. The drunk starts flailing at the sheets,
throwing his arms around wildly. A security officer runs over, hearing the
commotion.
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know, officer. But I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
Bar... Monkey
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off
the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he
jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight,
the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man
is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is
disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass,
pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in
sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Gravity-Defying Tequila
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's
slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window
and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy
had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy,
unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The
astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window
and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!". The jumper responds by slurring,
"Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the
window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He
takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy
runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground,
slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back
into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila.
He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he
doesn't slow down at all...SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila
and the bartender says to him, "You're really an asshole when you're drunk,
Superman."
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up
Lines
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then
could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll
give you the meat.
Incontinent Leprechaun
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out
popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a
shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the
leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit
in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey
for my buddy here."
After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the
bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the
leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran
down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he
grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."
The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers."
Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?"
"By spitting," said the leprechaun.