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An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to
the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay
you $5."
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $100!"
This catches the engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless
he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer "What goes up a hill with
three legs, and comes down on four?"
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers--all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks "Well, so
what's the answer?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
Those raccoons are not luggage
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make
the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying
two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she
asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses
power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their
cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw
things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!"
shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave
out a missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.
They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!"
They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask
why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!"
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing
hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed
and a house blew up!"
What was the problem before?
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around
and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight
Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
There was a place crash in
Poland
A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early
this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have
recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues
into the evening.
There's a parrot on the plane
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot
strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the
parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings
back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls
"And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking
with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked
you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of
the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to
him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
The Top Twenty Flight
Advertising Slogans
1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.
2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.
3. Join our frequent near-miss program.
4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.
5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.
7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.
8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!
12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.
15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
16. Bring a bathing suit.
17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to
get as close as possible for the best view.
18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.
20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.
I deserve a first class seat
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section
of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to
coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we
reach Jamaica."
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm
staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't
even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of
the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding
now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.
The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets
up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the
copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The
copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to
Jamaica."
Results of damage testing
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique
device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun
that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed
the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact,
it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British
were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new,
speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair,
broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine
cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if
everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed
chicken."
Trouble with plane engines
While cruising at 36,000 feet, the airplane shuddered, and a
passenger looked out the window.
"Oh no!" he screamed, "One of the engines just blew up!"
Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft
was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.
The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain
order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from
the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His
words and his demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they
sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he
grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the
flight attendants.
Each crew member attached the package to their backs.
"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "Aren't those parachutes?"
The pilot confirmed that they were.
The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry
about?"
"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get
help."
There are lawyers on the flight
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the
cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an
emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was
buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still
going around passing out business cards."
Flying without a parachute
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's
falling, he realizes hiss chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about
parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are
limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down.
The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet,
another man goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute
looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas
stoves?!"
A blind pilot is flying this
plane?
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took
off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get
off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as
I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay
quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I
could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot
approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for
almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.
Would you take him for me please?"
Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a
seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered
not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!
Don't be on this flight
"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are
currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.
"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will
observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port
wing has fallen off.
"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life
raft with three people in it waving at you.
"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is
a recorded message. Have a good flight!"
The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their
success stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone very happy."
Hillary: "Well, why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and
make ten people happy."
Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy."
Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout the
United States and world happy."
Are blind pilots flying?
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner
are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking
up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles
down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered
with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the
airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering
among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some
passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of
the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last
moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot:
"You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we
aren't going to know when to take off!"
There is a blond on the plane
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has
never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as
she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running
over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the
noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and
the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated
really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
Air Force One crashes
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken
the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got
there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the
President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too
far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's
tractor.
"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.
"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"
"Yep."
"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor
motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."
"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept
a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."
The blind skydiver
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When
asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I
am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is
placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very
keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from
the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes
slack."
Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the
boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address
system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will
board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you
for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
The Christmas airport
It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well,
and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a
tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of
cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he
was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his
luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new
clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic
with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the
flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very
Picasso sort of way.
With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to
the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such
a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."
"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to
step forward for a kiss."
"That's not why it's there."
"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"
"It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
The plane is crashing into the ocean
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a
voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat
belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to
put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old
lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the
bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just
rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
Top Things You Don't Want to
Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just
wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as
floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can
recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of
peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local
terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make
your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go
back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in
weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving
tendencies uses when you get in the car).
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than
the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and
watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...
15. I'll have what the Captain's having...
16. Hey capt'n take another hit man...