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Johnny Big Head
Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school
say I have a big head."
His mother replies, "No you don't Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head.
The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."
Bar, Guy, Endless
Possibilities
A bar walks into a guy. The bar orders a liver, a heart and a kidney. He asks
that the lungs be thrown in as well. The man meets his heavenly reward. Such is
the fate of humorous bar flies.
The Jolly Green Giant
Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden?
Statuatory rape of a gourd.
Farmer's Tractor
Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A: Perhaps Willie Nelson and John Cougar Mellencamp will stage a benefit concert
outside my barn to raise funds to replace the missing machinery.
Deconstructing Little Johnny
Legendarily naughty Little Johnny sat in class quietly as the students were
composing a poem with their teacher. When she asked for an F-word that rhymed
with "duck" he waved his hand feverishly.
The teacher frowned and passed him by. No kids, however, could offer her a
solution. Finally she glared at Johnny and called on him.
Johnny put on his devlish grin and said, "An F-word that rhymes with duck is....
fluctuation."
The teacher blurted out, "No Johnny, that's sucks! I'm so sick of telling you
what a little frigging asshole you are!"
Front Stabber
A true friend stabs you in the front.
Knock, Knock Jokes: Annoying or
stupid?
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Some
Some who?
Some asshole telling you knock, knock jokes.
Blondes Ain't Takin' No Shorts
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So the guys telling 'em can understand 'em!
Mommy!
"Mommy, mommy! What a pretty dress!"
"Shut-up. It won't fit over your iron lung."
"Mommy, mommy! The room is spinning!"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Immaculate Pop Hybrids
What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?
Nothing. Elton John prefers men.
Yo mamma's so retarded...
Yo mamma's so retarded, she thinks "yo mama" jokes are funny.
Surrealists 'n' Lightbulbs
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Banana.
Funny Apple
Q: What did the apple say to the orange?
A: I despise you for being different from me.
What is grosser than gross?
A pancake that has fallen on the kitchen floor and you are very hungry for a
pancake, but when you pick it up you find the gooey syrup and the creamy butter
have acted like a kind of flypaper and so your spongey, yummy pancake is covered
in lint, dustmites, a splotch of still-moist mustard from the night before, a
broken match, and of course millions of squirming, pulsing bacteria. Poor
pancake... and you were so hungry.
Pope + Hooker = Mirth
Did you hear the one about the Pope and the smokin'-hot hooker?
Despite the strumpet's aggressive offers to fellate him, the Pontiff maintained
his holiness and prayed nightly for her soul.
You might be a redneck
if...Inbreeding
You might be a redneck if... Northern city-dwellers mock your isolated rural
heritage, and utilize stereotypes referencing your supposed appetite for
fornication with family relations, and your almost simian intelligence to
further demean you.
Yo Mama's Mama...
Yo mama's mama is such a fat, hairy, dumb, stank, drunk, blonde, knock knock ho,
all jokes at jokes.com are about her.
Mailmen Get it Regular
A husband comes home early from work and catches his wife in bed with the
mailman. Before they detect him, he sneaks back into the hall, finds the mail
bag, steams open the letters, inserts coupons from his rug-cleaning business,
and seals them tight.
"Ha ha ha," he snickers, "that lazy mailman who is shirking his duties works for
me now!"
A Horse Is A Horse
Why do they call a horse a horse.
Because they speak English, you moron.
Going to the Bathroom in a
Monk's Home
There was this man who really had to go to the bathroom. He went to the nearest
house, which happened to be the home of a monk and asked, ''Can I please use the
bathroom?'' The monk told him he could, so he went in. When he was in the
bathroom he heard this clink, clink, clink. When he was finished he went to the
monk and asked, ''What was that noise I heard in the bathroom?'' The monk said,
''I can't tell you, you're not a monk. You have to go to Italy for two years.''
So the man went to Italy for two years and then came back and asked the monk
again what the noise was. The monk said, ''I can't tell you, you're not a high
monk. You have to go to Italy for three years.'' So the man went, came back and
then asked the monk again what the noise was. Again the monk said, ''I can't
tell you, you're not a king monk. You have to go to Italy for four years.'' So
the man went, came back and once more asked the monk.
And the monk said, "The pipes bang sometimes. Aren't I a passive aggressive
sadist for not just telling you that in the first place? And aren't you a
sorry-assed sucker for jumping through my retarded hoops?"