Who the heck are you? And why are you so mean to Neon?

Signed, Curious

Dear Curious,

I am ONLY the most fabulous member of the Uruha! I've got the coolest weapon, the best hair, the cutest fangs, and my kakkoi rating is way above the others'. In my humble opinion, of course. And regarding me being mean to Neon-- it's just a front, so no one finds out we're secret lovers.

Shhh. Don't tell anyone.

-Joker.

You're my favorite member of the Uruha! Will you be my ninja?

-Hime-wannabe

Dear Hime,

I must apologize, but at the moment, I believe I already have a miko, a hime, a koiboto, and several of my possessions have been laid claim to. In such a situation, it would be difficult for me to do a good job as your personal ninja at the moment, and you wouldn't want a personal ninja who couldn't do his duty, ne? Arigatou, though, for thinking of me.

-Raiha, Ninja to the World At Large

Will you tell Raiha to be my Ninja?

-Persistent

Dear Persistent,

I have found over the years that you cannot trick Raiha into giving you your own way. You must be patient, bide your time, and be ready to fight off the armies of women who would try to cut in line for his attention.

Speaking of attention, for the record, I have NO romantic interest in Joker at all.

-Neon

You should forget about Kurei. Joker's cool, too! And his ex-girlfriend isn't always hanging around, either.

-Joker Lover

Dear Joker,

I doubt Joker ever had an ex-girlfriend. Not with that attitude. Or the hair. Or those clothes.

BTW, don't you know, you're supposed to type in green?

-Neon

Raiha and Neon have been unable to comply with my request for Raiha to be my ninja. Is there any way you, in your amazing coolness, could get him to change his mind?

-Ever-hopeful Hime

Dear Ever-hopeful Hime,

I asked him for you, with my most amazingly cool suave attitude. He said he was already Kurei's ninja. I asked him if Kurei was his Hime-- he just gave me A Look. So you can read that however you want... perhaps you don't want someone like that to be your ninja. I mean, really. A guy who will choose a blackhearted murdering villain over such a lovely girl (with a good eye for recognizing amazing coolness when you see it) such as yourself? Speaking of which, why didn't you ask to be my Hime?

-Joker, pouting

I know you like Neon, but why don't you choose Yanagi?

-Jane

Dear Jane,

I actually considered her for a while at the mansion... I had several chances, you know, if I had wanted to. But somehow, she wasn't my type. I needed someone a little older, a little more maturity, a little more experienced with the world... and so I'm content to leave her with my little brother. She should straighten him out. I might have a few issues to work out, but I'm not the type who would steal my little brother's girlfriend. Sure, I'll try and kill my little brother in a deathmatch, but I won't steal his girlfriend.

-Kurei

Will you be my personal Flame Caster?

-Jane

Dear Jane,

If you're closer to my age than Yanagi was... if you've got more maturity... if you're a little more experienced with the world... if you can fight off Neon... perhaps we can talk. Until then, I use my Flame to protect those who are near and dear to me, and to kill those who oppose my will.

-Kurei

Well, then... will you be my personal Flame Caster?

-Neon

Dear Neon,

Mmmmm... Why don't we take this to a more private forum... where we can work out the details to our mutual satisfaction, ne?

-Kurei, with the chocolate and strawberries ready

Could you leave Kurei, come to my house, and be my maid?

-Aya

Dear Aya,

I apologize, but I'm quite happy with my current position. I couldn't think of leaving. Kurei-sama is wonderful to work for; Raiha is very sweet to me; Joker... keeps life interesting. I doubt you'd be able to provide me with such amusement as they could. Plus, being Jyushinshuu has terrific benefits.

-Neon

Why don't you marry Fuuko?

-Azrael

Dear Azrael,

Perhaps because we're currently in the middle of a very dire situation concerning Mori Kouran. It rather puts personal lives on hold, ne, when you're trying to prevent him from accomplishing his goals. Plus, the last time I touched her when we were in the cauldron, she beat me up. Not exactly encouragement, ne? But perhaps we can bring her around after things aren't so hectic.

-Raiha

If you killed Mori Kouran, would you get his money?

-Pez

Dear Pez,

Of course. And as to what I would do with it, I'd buy a certain ship; I'd buy a certain chocolate company; and I'd buy a certain fanclub.

-Kurei

Does it bother you there are so many Neon/Joker supporters all of a sudden?

-Mika

Dear Mika,

Well, considering the two never even spoke to each other during the anime... I don't think there's much to it at all. The idea belongs with the me/Mikagami or me/Yanagi category. Unfortunately, the ones who support Joker and Neon are a little more prolific than the others... *sigh* And it's usually an unpopular move to kill off those responsible when they're the ones in charge of updating your own fanclub... So I guess I'll have to ignore these dirty rumors and take comfort in reality, ne?

-Kurei

Is it true you were a nerdy little wimp in school? Hahahahaha!

-Jules

Dear Jules,

Do you even have to ask? How could I possible have had a less-than-cool childhood? Besides... I don't think a guy named 'Jules' can laugh at such a thought...

-Joker, fangs showing

How do you put up with Mori Kouran in the earlier episodes of the anime?

-Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You mean, besides the fact that he killed my girlfriend? And that my beloved mother also had a bomb in her which he probably wouldn't hesitate to detonate, either? And that I wanted to protect the people I loved, even at the expense of my own happiness? H'mm... I don't know. I probably put up with him because I'm just a nice, cooperative guy.

-Kurei

Do you know it's the birthday of the president of your very own Fanclub tomorrow? And what are you going to do about it?

-KFC Member

Dear KFC Member,

I'll buy him a bucket of fried chicken. And tie a balloon to it.

-Kurei

Kurei-sama, are you still my own Flame Caster or are you Neon's now? *furious angry glare* You had better not be...

-Kurenai

Dear Pookie-baby,

I was always your Flame Caster first and foremost... but considering the fact that you are my Flame now, and that your deceased condition prevents any further harm from befalling you... and knowing your kind, sweet nature... I know you wouldn't mind. Right, honey-pookie-doll?

-Kurei, sweating

Kurenai is too upset to write, myself, being one of her friends, would like to suggest something. Do you think if I wrote a fic resurrecting her, it'd really happen? I heard about an incident wherein a fan fic actually came true??? Oh yes, and your "Pookie-baby" minds. A lot.

-Chill

Dear Chill,

If you wrote a fic resurrecting her, then it would really happen... but only in the universe in which your fic took place. There are many universes, all running parallel to each other, but with little differences. So, for instance, in one universe, I have been hit by Mori Kouran's car, and my current status is unknown; whereas in another universe, I have been shot with bullets and fallen off a cliff with Neon. Then again, in yet another universe, I was raised by Hanabishi Shigeo, and Recca was brought up by Mori Kouran... and so it goes on. 

Regarding my Pookie- er, regarding Kurenai... I don't think she can complain. After all, how do you think I feel about her being in there with Jisho day in, night out...? Not to mention the infinite number of other souls whose shapes I can draw upon. Don't think I don't know what goes on in there... she's a part of me, after all. And yet she's still separate... it's a very difficult position for both of us, but we try to be understanding. But double-standards don't work.

-Kurei

 How could you make a play for Kurei-sama? Kurenai told me that if SHE couldn't have him, then no one, not even myself, could have him. Mind you, yes, she IS really sweet and kind-natured, but when it comes to Kurei-sama...watch out.

-Chill

Dear Chill,

If you remember, I never made a play for Kurei-sama. When Kurenai-sama was alive, I respected the fact that Kurei loved her, and that she made him happy. And so even though I was in love with him, I never voiced my feelings, out of respect for what they had.

Even after her demise, I refrained from expressing my feelings. I went about my duties as just another loyal Jyushinshuu. Everything that happened between us... Kurei-sama was the one who initiated it. But I would never try to steal someone's significant other... and I'm not desperate enough to throw myself at someone who has never shown romantic interest in me. Heck, I'm not even desperate enough to throw myself at someone who has shown interest in me. *glares at Joker*

-Neon, irked

I don't care if you have a Hime, a Miko, or all of those. I'm not Hime-wannabe, okay? Just wondering if you'd consider. I can honestly say that you are the BEST character (Joker coming second, Kurei-sama after him) and you are so freaking KAWAII! Yaah! You're so freaking GORGEOUS! Just had to say that...

-Chill

Dear Chill,

I appreciate your kind words, but I'm afraid that my current situation is even more dire than it was last time. I'm still very wrapped up in this Mori Kouran affair, and would do a very poor job with being anyone else's ninja besides Kurei's. If I were to take on more duties, in addition to my present ones, I won't be able to be a good ninja for anyone. You don't want me to be a freaking kawaii dead ninja, ne?

-Raiha, apologetically

Joker, you are SOOOO cool! Cool, as in cool! No one is as cool as you! Raiha is just so amazingly cute, Kurei is well, cool, and really such a sweetheart, but well...I just remembered! Don't you guys have any way to communicate with Mi-chan? MI-CHAN, I LOVE YOU!!! Correction, I like Raiha, you, Kurei, and Mi-chan all the same, and am freaking in love with BOTH Raiha and Mikagami...what can I do? Hahahahahaha! Oh whatever! I just had to tell you that you're super cool, Joker. They should have had more of you in the anime. More of Raiha, too.

-Chill

Dear Chill,

I'll be sure to tell Mikagami. He and the Hokage are coming over to the Uruha mansion for a barbecue tomorrow. Hey, you wanna write a fanfic putting me and Neon together? That would leave a Certain Someone free for a certain Someone Else... at least in that Universe. H'mmmmmm?

-Joker, eyes gleaming