| Don�t Panic�That Leads To A Crappy Plot! by Stefan Shingleton |
| Yesterday, I watched the movie Panic Room. This supposedly amazing blockbuster left very much to be desired. Panic Room was directed by David Fincher, whose last movie was Fight Club. Fight Club made me think, Panic Room made me sick. Panic Room begins with a mother (Jodie Foster) and her daughter shopping for a new home in Manhattan. (Unfortunately, the movie was so bad, I can�t remember the character�s names, and therefore I will make up names for each of them.) Jodie Foster�s character (we�ll cal her Sally) is going though a divorce with her husband, who is filthy rich. Sally and her daughter (Sammy) find the perfect house for two people. �It�s half townhouse, half brownstone� says the realtor, �we call it a townstone.� Regardless, it�s at least 5,000 square feet and has three stories. It�s roughly the size of Hagerstown�s old YMCA. We soon learn that a neat perk to this enormous house is the �Panic Room� in which you can lock yourself into if someone breaks in�(foreshadowing perhaps.) Sally and Sammy buy the house and move in when, not 2 days later, someone breaks in. It is Manhattan. The criminals (Larry, Curly, and Moe) are a colorful assortment of morons. Curly, (played by Jared Leto of My So Called Life and Requiem for a Dream) is the dim-witted man who planned the heist. Supposedly, there is a safe under the floor in the panic room containing many millions of dollars. Unfortunately, the heist was supposed to have taken place when the house was still vacant. Moe (played by the lovable Forrest Whittaker of Platoon and Phenomenon) wants to leave the house and regroup. Curly and Larry (Larry is played by country music star Dwight Yoakem) would rather stay and risk killing 2 innocent women, therefore upgrading their crime from B and E to some crazy felony like kidnapping or assault or something. This makes no sense at all. Even the stupidest criminal would think to leave and come back when no one�s home. (On a side note, the character Larry wasn�t part of the original plan, but Curly thought the heist needed a crazy person with a gun, which later adds to the drama.) (Also, at this point, Cathy, Jacob, and I were stating how bad the movie was, while Joe held out for better scenes. Why didn�t you listen Joe; we know these things.) The heist must go on, but wait, Sally just realized that there are scary men in the house. She sprints to get Sammy and together they get to the panic room. This seriously dismays the hopes of the criminals and they pout and argue for about 15 minutes, while I watch, jaw agape, wondering how much worse the movie could get. (Sidenote: Two of the criminals serve a purpose. Apparently, Curly was the only person besides the previous owners of the house who knew about the money. Moe is a security specialist and knows how to opens safes as well as understands the intricacies of panic rooms. Larry on the other hand is useless. The three criminals argue throughout the entire movie. Most of the aggression is directed toward Moe, the only person who knows how to open the safe. In my mind, Moe is at the top of the food chain. He should be giving the orders. The writers of this film are completely illogical.) For the remainder of this review I will simply list the movie�s flaws. -We learn that Sally and Sammy are experts in the field of telecommunications when they rewire the panic room phone to call for help. Then the 911 operator put them on hold. I�ve never heard of anything like this in my life. I�ve also never called 911. I never imagined that they could put you on hold. I think that if I ever call 911 with an emergency and they put me on hold, I�ll have a heart attack on the spot. At this point, Sally hangs up the phone and calls her ex-husband and is in the midst of explaining her predicament when she gets cut off. -Moe decides to pump propane though the vents into the panic room and gas the ladies out. Sally smells the propane and apparently gets a hankering for steak because she promptly grabs a lighter and ignites the gas causing 2 or 3 minutes of cool blue flames. Curly is burnt badly; Sally is miraculously unscathed. The seriously injured Curly wants to quit the heist and go home. As he heads for the door, Larry pulls out a gun and kills Curly. Moe is flabbergasted. Soon after, the ex husband walks in and get the shit beat out of him. The criminals figured that the girls would exit the panic room if they saw the man they loved being beaten to death. The ladies didn�t budge, and Mr. Ex-husband learns a lesson in sacrifice. -Next we find out that Sammy is diabetic. Sally can tell that there is a problem with Sammy�s blood sugar level because she has a wristwatch equipped with the exact reading. Sammy begins to go into diabetic shock and Sally has to leave to get some sort of medication. While she�s running for the medicine, the criminals make a run for the panic room. They get in, but Sally is hot on their tail. She slides the medicine through the door, just as it slams on Larry�s fingers, CHOPPING THE TIPS OFF!!! Also, in Larry�s haste he dropped his gun. So, to recap, Sally is armed and waiting outside the panic room with her badly beaten ex-husband. Moe and Larry are inside the panic room with Sammy, watching Sally�s every move on the 3 million surveillance cameras. Eventually, Moe administers Sammy�s shot and she gets better. -WORST AND MOST UNREALISTIC SCENE EVER: While Moe is drilling the safe, the cops show up at the front door. Sally answers the door while Larry and Moe watch (not listen) on the surveillance cameras. Sally makes up some story to get the cops to leave but the police officer, we�ll call him Officer �I�ve Got a Hunch�, is very concerned. He tells Sally, �You don�t look so good ma�am.� He�s crazy. She�s Jodie Foster. Compared to all the bums in New York she�s a 10. Also, it�s 3 in the morning. No one looks good at 3 in the morning. Officer Hunch, still not convinced that everything is okay says, �If there is something you want to tell us but can�t, just blink your eyes a lot.� Sally doesn�t blink her eyes or say a word. Why, I ask? Moe and Larry can�t hear her! They can only see her. So the cops leave and Sally gets an idea (not a good one). She knocks out all the cameras, and gives her husband the gun. Recall that her husband is beaten beyond the point of recognition. Also, at that point, most criminals would say something over the panic room PA system like, �Ma�am, if you break any more of the cameras, we�ll be forced to injure your daughter.� Instead, the criminals say, �Why didn�t we think of that?� -She turned the cops away and busted up the cameras. Wouldn�t it make sense to bust the cameras and get about a million cops in there? Then, when Larry and Moe come out, they get slung full of lead. End of movie. Not the Case. Larry and Moe get the money and march Sammy downstairs. They walk right into Mr. Beaten-Up-Ex-Husband, who has the gun and coincidentally couldn�t hit the broad side of a barn with his shots. But never fear, because here comes sledge-hammer toting Sally who hits the already injured Larry in what looked like the face. He tumbles over the stair banister and lands a floor below. Moe takes off with all $22 Million. Larry, whose resilience dwarfs that of most rhinos proceeds to attack Sally, Sammy, and Mr. Ex-husband. Moe, while making a clean getaway, gets an attack of the criminal conscience. The returns to the scene of the crime, kills Larry, and runs away, this time to be caught by the police just outside the house. This movie, in my opinion, defied everything logical and I hated every minute of it. Score: 2 out of 10 |