| Yours Truly - Bradlee Van Pelt, QB, Colorado State Decent arm, nowhere near great. Doesn't have amazing speed, but does have plenty enough. Great running awareness and considerable toughness. That awesome emerald green could be my favorite color. G - Rohan Davey, QB, LSU Wait, he went to the NFL? Damn, who can G be now? No, not Leftwich. I'm not bestowing that honor on anyone. It's too much to take, the person's head would explode! So, uh... G - Ell Roberson, QB, Kansas State Works for me. Joe - Ed McCaffrey, WR, Denver Broncos Dammit! He's in the NFL too! But he's so Joe! Joe - Seth Morales, WR, Purdue He's a white receiver from Purdue who is also an Academic All-Big Ten guy. Isn't that enough? No? Well, he used to go to Butler University, more famous for their hoops. He's moved around. Like Joe. I wonder if this guy loves Nolan Ryan memorablia, funny hats, and corn dogs as well. I'd bet on it. Ade - Onnie Onwuemene, WR, Maryland A Nigerian WR at UMD. This one's too easy, as we've talked about him before in our suite at great length. Nigerian boi! Arun - Kaliym Hazel, RB, Eastern Michigan He doesn't get any PT, but he's a small RB (5'9", 180) and his name is quite ethnic-sounding. It's probably a black guy, but the fact that I stumbled upon him must be a sign that this is Arun's counterpart. Stefan - Tim Riley, OL, Wyoming Shingle Daddy had to be a lineman that played for a team in the middle of nowhere. If you want middle of nowhere, you want the Mountain West Conference. The road led me to Mr. Riley. Speaking of Riley... BuJustin "Riley" BuMitchell - Paul Clarkson, S, Navy He's a Navy safety. If that isn't Riley, I don't know what is, brother. QuDanny - Joshua Ignace, K, Central Michigan He's a 5'8," 170 lb. kicker on a midwestern team with four kickers. I pictured the face of Mr. No-Pants in a Central Michigan helmet, kicking balls into a net on the sideline, and it immediately made sense. It was also hilarious. Matt Liu - Cole Jones, S, East Carolina This man is only 5'8", 165 lbs. and he's playing safety on a D 1-A team? That's crazy! Safety is a crazy position! Matt Liu is crazy! Krazy straws are krazeeeeeee, man. Jacob - John Rust, TE, California Haha. Rust. Jacob is a tight end, no buts about it. He would probably be unhappy no matter who I made him, so just call him "Rusty." If he was anyone else, he'd be Jared Lorenzen, Kentucky QB. But Jared Lorenzen is a giant fat-ass, even too large for Jacob, who dwarfs most of us. Scout - William Joseph, DT, Miami A future first-round pick, much like Scout is in the computer gaming world now. This man is Scout. An absolute force on the front-line, and most importantly, a giant black man. Joseph and Scout are one in the same. |
| If We Were College Football Players... |
| by Sage Phil |
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