NVNC ID VIDES, NVNC NE VIDES |
|
| Home | The Guild of Counsellors Today is a very special day in the history of the grand city of Ankh-Morpork – today the guild of counsellors opens it doors to any troubled citizens in need of advice. Julia sat by her desk waiting for her first client to arrive. She read the case notes: PONDER STIBBONS, MALE 24, WIZARD. There was a timid knock on the door, before it was tentatively opened by a small, slender wizard with mousy brown hair and glasses. She guessed he was around early 20’s. He wore a simple robe; no sequins or jewels. She extended a hand to him, introduced herself and motioned for him to take a seat on a comfy sofa. "So, what is it that you wanted to talk to me about today?" she asked in a friendly tone. He took his time to answer; obviously, from the colour of his face and his reluctance to answer he was extremely embarrassed. "I feel like nothing in the world is right or ordered" he blushed an even deeper crimson. "When do you think this started to become a problem?" Again he took his time to answer. "Well I think it started when I was a kid. The others, they had this game. They threw me in this pool from the top of the cliff. It really hurt…and then last month some other wizards and myself got stuck in a completely new world. There was this god there, and I said that I would help him; it turned out though that he had created this island for cockroaches; I didn’t want to stay anymore. So we got on a boat (which was actually a seed) but then it fell apart in the awful storm and we had to swim to shore…and there were sharks." Ponder looked up and realised that the councillor had her mouth open in astonishment. He grinned apologetically for his ramblings. Julia regained her composure; this was going to be a tough case. "Do you think that you were emotionally scared by events in your childhood?" She asked in her best talking-down-mad-men voice. "I had quite a nice childhood actually, apart from the bullying of course" he mused. " I guess being thrown in the water hole didn’t hurt that much, but I didn’t like it when they tied me up and went home for tea. That was kind of hurtful and degrading" "Would you say you felt quite lonely? Do you feel your close enough to talk to any of your colleagues?" "Huh, Them! They talk but they don’t listen! Not to me anyway, because I’m just the "lad" or a "boy" or a "young man"! The only one apart from me in the whole University who talks sense is the Librarian and he’s an ape!" "Right… do you take medication? Dried frog pills maybe?" Ponder seem suddenly indignant. "The Bursar takes those! I’m not mad like the Bursar!" Julia judged by the expression on his face that this would be a good time to change the tone. Honestly, she did not get paid half enough for this type of job! "So anyway, what upset you the most about that ‘experience’ the ‘sharks’ or the ‘God’," said Julia "Definitely the god. I’ve always thought that I could have done a much better job. I mean, the world would be a really sensible place if it was up to me." "Umm…." Julia wasn’t quite sure how she was supposed to answer this statement, or whether he wanted a reply at all. She smiled sweetly and said, "Same time next week?" Ponder raised from his seat and bid her goodbye. Julia gave a sign of relief. She hoped they weren’t all going to be like that today! *********************************** Julia sat back in her large executive chair. Her first case of the morning had been a tough one. Perhaps the next client would be better. He was presently 10 minutes late. Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle knocking on the door. She called out to him and a skinny, messy hair, elderly wizard came through the door. He was dressed traditionally in a long red patterned robe. He wore a vague smile and gave her the impression that though the lights may be on, there was definitely no one home. She asked him to take a seat; he did so. "Hello Bursar," Julia said kindly. "What would you like to talk about today" The Bursar sort for words. He had trouble aligning his mouth and his brain. When he talked he often made no sense at all, so he found that it was helpful to say as little as possible. "The chaps at the University thought I would like to come. Archchancellor, Ridcully, " the Bursar cringed at the name, "thought it might do me some good." Julia breathed a sigh of relief; he seemed in a quite normal mental state today. Of course you could never tell with the Bursar. His sanity ran in a cycle. Sometimes he acted almost normal, just like now; sometimes he was depressed; usually he lived in a completely different universe. It was not unknown for him to think he was a tea strainer or any other inanimate object for a whole afternoon. Julia believed, strongly, that living in the Unseen University for far too long caused his mental imbalance. From the few details about his life that she knew he spend most of his time with numbers or avoiding the Archchancellor. It was obvious to her that he hated his boss, Ridcully, and that daily contact with him had left he wishing that he was, indeed, a tea strainer. "How are you feeling this week Bursar?" Julia asked patiently. The Bursar had to be asked several times before he gave a complete answer. The Bursar however was now staring fixedly at her pale pink wall. His eyes glazed as they usually did when he let his mind wander. Julia sighed; she wondered who or what the Bursar would be today. Please not the flowerpot. It’s so difficult to get him to move when he is the flowerpot. She held her fingers behind her back. "Hello Lord Henry Skipps," the Bursar said dreamily. "Cracking victory you had there at Pseudopolis." The Bursars looked at the wall as though he was listening attentively. Julia often thought that the Bursar only made sense when talking to someone who wasn’t really there. "Still don’t see what you had against all those trolls," Julia tapped her feet under the desk impatiently. She wished she could go through one session without him either being an object, living backwards or talking to a historical figure. "I’ve always liked trolls," he continued, not noticing by Julia’s rolling eyes (even counsellors can only take so much!) "Detritus is a nice chap down at the watch. Not particularly bright of course, brains don’t work in the heat, and you’ve got too be careful when he’s holding a club…" The Bursar gave the impression that he was listening to ‘Lord Skips’. "He’s ‘Peace – Maker’ really works though, or so I’m told," he conceded, "Very original idea that." "Bursar!" Julia said sharply hoping to bring him back down to this universe. He continued to look at the wall. "Bursar!" She tried again but to no avail. She looked at the bell placed on the side of her desk. The head of the Counsellor’s Guild had given it to her after the Bursars second visit when he had thought he was the Librarian. She could ring it if he ever became… preoccupied. So far she had had to use on every occasion the Bursar came to visit. She picked up the bronze object and shook it. It was quite loud for it’s size and could be heard in the offices outside. The Bursar was no trouble really; he never gave her any fuss about leaving, apart from the time he thought he was a flowerpot. A pair of strong but guiding hands could easily lead him away. Julia sat back on her large executive chair. She closed her eyes; one moment of piece before the next madman would arrive. *********************************** Julia sat looking at her ‘keep smiling!’ poster pinned to her pale peach wall. Last client of the day she thought; then I can go home for a nice soothing bath – no mad men in sight. She looked down at her case notes. They were completely blank. She silently cursed the administration staff for their mistake; her nerves felt tightly stretched as they always did by the end of the day. There was a knocking at the door that sounded like someone banging on tombstones. She felt a slight chill come into the room; she had the sensation of someone walking on her grave, although she couldn’t be sure why. "Hello Mr…em?" she felt her cheeks go pink in embarrassment. Although the strange did not seem bothered by this in the slightest way. "Please take a seat." The strange pulled up a comfy chair and awaited the interview. "I’m sorry but I don’t know your name. The office staff must have lost your notes. You haven’t been here before?" she tried to focus on him but her eyes watered if she looked to close. She got the impression that he was lean, but she couldn’t tell how lean or even what colour his hair. INDEED, I AM THE GRIM REAPER, TAKER OF SOULS. I AM EVERYWHERE. "Right…" above her better judgement she found herself believing him; why would the Grim Reaper come to one of her counselling sessions? "What would you like to talk about today?" WHAT IS THE POINT OF EXSISTANCE? "Sorry?" said Julia. "You’ve lost me there." LIFE. YOU LIVE YOU DIE. IT IS MEANINGLESS IT IS POINTLESS. His voice was not heard, but felt. Julia decided to take this statement as a metaphor. "How long have you felt this way Mr…em?" Again she realised she did not know his name. WHEN I THINK OF MORT. I COULD HAVE GIVEN HIM THE UNIVERSE, YOU KNOW. BUT HE WENT OFF, MARRIED MY DAUGHTER, GOT KILLED. POINTLESS. "Was Mort a special friend of yours?" HE WAS MY APPRENTICE. HE MESSED AROUND IN FATE THOUGH. SAVED A DEAD PERSON FROM BEING KILLED. UPSET SPACE AND TIME THAT DID. "Yes…I suppose it did." Julia believed every word, however she couldn’t understand why. She squinted again, but still couldn’t see him properly. Perhaps I need glassed, or maybe its stress and I’m seeing things like the Bursar. HIS DAUGHTER MEDDLED AS WELL. HORMONES. HUMANS HAVE TO MANY. MORT FELL FOR SOME PRINCESS. MY DAUGHTER FELL FOR MORT AND SUSAN FELL FOR SOME MUSICIAN. "Oh" was all Julia could think of to say. Death pause for a second. The said, MUST BE OFF PLAGUE IN HOWONDALAND. SAME TIME NEXT WEEK? IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE SOMEONE LISTENING TO ME FOR A CHANGE. "Yes," Julia said weakly, "Next week." He rose and departed. Funny, she never saw him open the door. *********************************** Today, Julia conducted her group therapy sessions. It had been her idea and it made a pleasant change from the office where she spent the rest of the week. The guild of the counsellors, as has already been mentioned was the newest in the city. It already had a large clientele, however for the guild to become established in Ankh-Morpork, Dr Wonkski, the head of the guild, had decided that they needed to aim at the lower end of the market. Group sessions were cheaper. Julia believed that the support and help the council provided should be made available for everyone, no matter what their status. She walked the short distance to the civic hall. The air was refreshingly cool after her stuffy, pink and peach office. The Guild of Counsellors was not a beautiful building; the UU was grand, the Assassins guild was classy, the Counsellors guild was supposed to look ultra modern and clean-cut. In reality, it was an eyesore of a grey box building. The architect, Julia decided, ought to be beaten to death with his design plans. When she arrived most of her group were already seated in a circle in a small room. Most looked slightly nervous; others like they had rather not be there. She flashed them a smile and said in what she hoped was a calm and soothing voice, " Good evening everyone," a murmur of greeting went through the group. "Could we begin by introducing ourselves? I’ll go first: My name is Julia and I’m a trained counsellor. In this group we will talk together and hopefully solve each other’s problems. Who’ll go next?" Nobody seemed very inclined to go next. A large lady with auburn hair nudged the man sat beside her and whisper, "Come on Sam." Sam gave her a look of dread, but rose to his feet and said, "Hello. I’m Sam. I used to be a drunk." He sat down and his wife gave him an encouraging smile. He didn’t seem embarrassed but Julia though she had better say something. "Thank you for being so open Sam." "Ook, Ook." A large male Orang-utan sat in the corner. Julia recognised him as being the Librarian from the UU. She decided not to comment. A man 4ft high stood up. "Hello, I’m Nobby Nobs. I like women’s clothing." A mental picture sprung into Julia’s mind. Let’s just say it wasn’t a particularly attractive image and leave it at that. "Uhh" said quietly Julia. She looked around the room to see if anyone had notice her last comment. The rest of the group seemed just as transfixed as she was. Sam shuddered. Nobby’s already unusual complexion changed shade. Julia wondered if he was blushing. "Thank you Nobby. Who’ll go next." A zombie stood up, or at least rose from his chair. "Reg Shoe. I’m a zombie; undead, YES – unperson, NO" Some of the members of the group seemed a little disturbed by his presence at the meeting. True, he was a repulsive sight. Body parts tended to fall of him at inconvinient moment, however Julia, being a trained counsellor was not shocked by any of this. Or at least, did not appear to be. "Thank you Reg." The last member of the small group was a young man with short brown hair, brushed neatly. He was dressed in a watchman’s uniform. "I’m Visit-The-Infidel-with-Explanatory-Pamphlets. Excuse me Commander, but I must speak my mind: Put your trust in the gods. I have various pamphlets that could help you poor unbelievers here today…" "Thank you Visit!" Commanded Vimes. "This is neither the time nor the place." Visit slouched out of the hall looking rejected. "I’ll be back," he muttered; he didn’t want Vimes to hear. "I should have brought Schleppel and Brother Ixolite." Said Reg Happily; "They’d have enjoyed this!" |