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Fan Fiction
Librarian
Blues
All was
quiet as the first light of the morning lazily flooded
over the disc, slowly overwhelming the retreating
darkness. It fizzed softly as it met and fought against
the greasy magical air around unseen university. Inside,
an inhuman yawn was all that disturbed the peace around
the ancient library. A lazy rustling followed, and a huge
hairy hand broke up into view. This was then followed by
the appearance of a long, thin, rather hairy arm, which
was in turn followed by more long, thin, hairy arm.
That’s a long arm. The librarian stood, stretched
again, and made his way down from his warm nest to
dutifully open the library for the new day. He opened the
great door and gazed out. Time seemed to stand still for
a moment while he took in the view that greeted him. A
puzzled look formed on his face, and he rubbed his eyes
feverishly before looking again. Yes, there was no
mistake, he did indeed appear to be being charged by a
large point on legs. On closer inspection, the point
appeared to have letters down its side spelling the word
‘Wizzard’, and was closely follow by a panicked
face belonging to one Rincewind the wizard.
“Ook.” The librarian stepped aside and greeted
his friend.
“Run!” Screamed Rincewind in answer as he
pelted past.
“Ook?”
“Shut the door, shut the door, shut the door…
shut the door!” The desperate voice came from behind
the ‘Sorcery, The complete works of’ shelf.
“Ook?”
“SHUT THE DAMN DOOR!”
“Ook.” There was a creaking followed by the
click of a latch as the huge door was firmly shut. The
librarian heard Rincewind sigh with relief.
“Ook?” He tapped his foot expectantly.
Rincewind, appearing clumsily from his refuge, shrugged.
“The Arch-chancellor fancies a weekend hunting trip
to Uberwald again. He’s looking for volunteers to
carry his spare ammunition and that stupid big net he
loves.”
Running footsteps were heard outside. “Stop right
there that man!” Shouted a booming voice. Rincewind
and the librarian held their breath as the
Arch-chancellor closed in on his chosen prey outside in
the corridor. A rather one-sided conversation followed,
climaxing with a small whimper as the unfortunate wizard
was lead off by a beaming Ridcully, a friendly arm
clasped firmly around his shoulders. The commotion faded
with the wizard’s retreat. A chorus of cheerful
statements concerning the nice fresh air accompanied
their departure. Rincewind expressed his relief for the
second time in two minutes. “Poor bugger.” He
said. “So, what’s for breakfast?”
The librarian didn’t answer. He was staring fixedly
at a point above and behind Rincewind’s head.
Rincewind gulped. ‘Ok, I’m not going to look
round,’ he thought, trying to keep calm. ‘If I
don’t look round I can’t see anything
bad.’ The two figures stood frozen in muted terror
like this for thirty seconds. Rincewind didn’t even
know what he was terrified of, but he knew whatever it
was, it was damn terrifying. If witnessed, the effect
would have being amusing to many, but it was rather
wasted on a single passing cockroach. Another thirty
seconds passed. Rincewind rethought his strategy.
‘Well maybe just a quick glance,’ he decided,
‘Just to see if whatever it is, is gaining.’ He
began to twist his neck, ever so slowly, towards his
tormenter. A medium size book floated free above his
head, flashes of blue occasionally jumping from it’s
belly. The pages rippled calmly as if in breath. A quick
glance downwards to the broken shelf confirmed his fears.
The book was from the Sorcery section.
“Ook.” The librarian had spoken so quietly
Rincewind wondered if he had imagined it.
“What?” He whispered.
“Ook.”
“Me? Surely you’re joking?”
“Ook.”
“That wasn’t necessarily me, the chain might
have already been broken.”
“Ook!”
“We could make a run for it. We could…” he
was interrupted by a short, sharp Ook, “I can’t
I’m a certified coward!”
“Ook!”
Rincewind sighed. “Oh well fine, I’ll just go
and chain it up again on my own shall I?” He said
aloud. “Then we could take it for a walk or
something. That’ll be nice.” He straightened up
and turned to face the book. “So what book are you
then? A particularly dangerous one I bet knowing my
luck.” The pages rippled faster, almost giving the
impression of amusement.
Rincewind turned to the librarian. “So what am I
suppose to do then?” he said, “Threaten it with
a biro? Tempt it with stylish new cover? Chase it with
matches?”
“Ook.”
“How?”
“Ook.”
“Fine!” Rincewind took a step forward, an
insane look on his face. The ripple in the pages seemed
to accelerate. So did Rincewind. He charged towards the
book with arms flagging wildly; “I only wanted some
breakfast!” his unconventional war cry cut through
the air. There was a crackle of magic and a flame of blue
fire darted towards the screaming wizard.
The librarian had no idea how much time had past. He was
proud of the fact he was very likely the only ape on the
disc capable of telling the time, but in all the
excitement he’d not had the chance to check. Its
funny how the mind can find the most ridiculous things to
focus on in times of great stress. If anyone could check,
they might be interested to find that most people’s
dying thoughts are concerning things such as buying new
detergent or getting an extra chicken wing for dinner.
Eventually, Rincewind came to his senses and looked down.
He noticed his legs were still pumping, but somewhat
bizarrely, they were pumping at thin air. He stopped
them, turned himself the right way up, and looked around
him. He was behind the library’s great oak desk.
“Ook!” The voice was accusing.
“Oh, did you? Thanks.” Rincewind vaguely
remembered a flash of orange fur as he’d been pulled
unceremoniously from the firing line.
“Where is it now?”
The librarian pointed. The book was floating menacingly
20 yards away. It’s pages flapping wildly. As they
watched, it turned to face them.
“Oh gods, it’s seen us.” Rincewind felt
that familiar shaky feeling. The one he seemed to get
more than his fair share of. “It’s coming this
way.” His voice was barely audible. “Why does
this stuff always happen to me? Am I that bad a
person?” He received a non-committed look from the
librarian.
The book charged.
Rincewind cowered behind the desk and covered his face
with his hands. The librarian stared momentarily at the
attacking literature, and suddenly darted to a drawer.
Through his fingers, Rincewind thought he saw the flash
of silver. The librarian stood to meet the book’s
advance. He screamed a challenge (which went something
like ‘Ook!’) and from behind his back he pulled
a large silver chain.
The book whined through the air as it speed towards them.
The librarian swung desperately with his chain.
“Ooooook!”
All went black as the magic chain connected with the
book. Then yellow, then green… then brilliant white.
The noise was deafening, the smell stifling. Rincewind
couldn’t tell if he was screaming, but his best
guess would be a yes, madly.
Finally the world settled and normal senses returned. The
book fought angrily on the shelf against it’s shiny
new chains. Can a book really snarl? This one was giving
it a good try. In the wreckage two bodies stirred.
Rincewind sat up and tested his limbs gingerly.
Everything seemed to be in working order. Everything he
could test out here in public anyway. He met the
librarian’s gaze and decided a spot of clearing the
air was needed.
“Well,” he said, “That’s cleared that
up then. Must be about time for lunch?”
“Ook!!”
“Well I’m sure there’s no need for that
kind of language.”
END.
I never want to type the word ‘Ook’ again.
Well done if you got to the end, it’s probably quite
hard to understand now I read it back. I was in a funny
mood. Sorry if I spelt Uberward wrong, I wasn’t
going to go searching through books for the sake of one
word. Can someone let me know if it’s spelt wrong?
Thanks.
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