| February 7, 2003 - The Prophet of Crapperton |
| Dear Friends, in this day of talking about faith-based charities receiving Federal funds, JOHNNYLEEN has to weigh in by stating that he hates the idea of receiving his own tax money back from a religious institution that may possibly lecture him on the evils of his life before he can get his handout. The reason for this stems from JOHNNYLEEN's childhood down Souf' where everyone in a position of any type of authority shoved his or her religion down JOHNNYLEEN's innocent throat. Why even long after the ruling was made that religious instruction and prayers should not be in public school, I had weekly classes in religion where we had to read the Bible, sing hymns, and pray (all from a Protestant viewpoint). We even got a pass/fail grade in it, and Dear Friends, this was a public school! That leads me, of course, to my favorite subject....CRAPPERTON. CRAPPERTON is one of those Southern cities that has more churches than the number of its inhabitants actually warrants. And in CRAPPERTON, they practice a brand of hypocrisy that is all their own. Unlike Plymouth or one of those other Puritan towns, the people of CRAPPERTON loudly proclaim their piety while obviously doing the direct opposite. By that I mean men who boisterously proclaim that alcohol is evil and Jesus doesn't want you to drink it, yet at the same time run out with their friends to the bootleggers. (CRAPPERTON only recently began allowing the sale of drinks stronger than beer or wine, and even then you can't buy a mixed drink anywhere. You have to bring your own bottle.) Or the woman who reads her husband Biblical tracts about adultery, yet proudly shows up with another woman's husband at the No-tell Motel. So, Dear Friends, on with my little story about The Prophet of CRAPPERTON. When JOHNNYLEEN was a young student at Big Name University, a preacher in CRAPPERTON made the startling announcement that God had sent him a dream in which CRAPPERTON was going to be destroyed by a tidal wave. This was, he said, God's judgment on the wickedness of the CRAPPERTONians and that he was giving them fair warning. The date of the deluge was to be July 4th of that year. He said that if the tidal wave didn't occur, then people could "paint on the side of my church that Reverend Fullofbull is the biggest liar in the world." People who were either related to this minister or attended his church began selling all their property as quickly as they could. As the day of reckoning approached they headed as far away as they could get. Now, even though the people of CRAPPERTON are stupid, a lot of them didn't believe this preacher and stayed in town. I would sincerely like to believe that they remained out of some sense of logic or rational thinking, but I think they really stayed because their own ministers had not received a vision from God. I mean, after all, surely God would have given this vision to the minister of the First Baptist Church before he gave it to the preacher of Full Gospel Jesus Happy Family Gethsemane Bethel Tabernacle! On the fatal day JOHNNYLEEN was at his family's house since Big Name University wasn't in session. We all decided to head off for the beach so that we could see this tidal wave first hand, even though it would mean our instant destruction if it really occurred. At every little wave of ankle-height that came on shore, JOHNNYLEEN and his sisters would shriek "Tidal Wave!" and run like little schoolgirls from a mouse. A delightful day, all things considered. A few days later we learned that Reverend Fullofbull had been confronted by some very angry people and "run outta town". I'm sure many of them were angry that they had sold their houses and packed up and left, but I'm also certain that a good many were disappointed that CRAPPERTON had not been destroyed; not out of any hatred for the town, but out of the demolition of their own smug self-perception of superiority in God's eyes. If all the boozers, adulterers, and Catholics weren't washed away by God's righteous waters, then what was the point of anything? Why had they read the Bible so much, attended church so faithfully, and so studiously ignored their own shortcomings only to find that the July 4th sunshine still shone down benignly upon those whom they despised? Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |