| February 10, 2003 - The Golden Rule |
| Dear Friends, as I mentioned in my previous diary entry, I had years of religious education in public school, during which time I learned, through the use of religious paperdolls pressed against a felt backdrop, that there were vague moral things good little children were supposed to do or suffer hellfire and brimstone as the consequences of failure. We weren't supposed to commit adultery, for example, even though at the tender age of six we had no clue what it was and therefore wouldn't know if we were doing it. We did understand that we weren't supposed to use foul language or look at naughty pictures, and in fact, in fourth grade, a little boy was taken to the principal's office by the religion teacher for drawing naughty pictures during the lesson. From the blush on the teacher's face, I gathered that he had drawn pictures of penises. That really shouldn't have been that surprising; after all, he was always trying to peek over the stalls in the boys' restroom to get a glimpse of whatever. Anyway, the religion teacher gave a little program every year where the kids would re-enact a Bible story on stage for the whole school. One particular year it was supposed to be about the discovery of Jesus' empty tomb and I was tasked to play the part of Peter. When the teacher assigned me the role, I went up to her and said, "Thank you, Mrs. Talbert, for picking me. I want to be an actor when I grow up." And Mrs. Talbert, frowning, asked me, "Well, JOHNNYLEEN, do you want to be a good actor or a bad actor?" I answered, "A good one, of course." Otherwise, how would I win an Oscar if I were a bad one? Years later it dawned on me what Mrs. Talbert was actually asking and I felt like I must have been the most naive child ever. So in spite of all the difficult-to-understand tales of God punishing people for various infractions that were never quite explained to me, JOHNNYLEEN did pick out that one is expected to treat others as one would like to be treated; and that, Dear Friends, leads me to my story. Sunday night I was in a very deep sleep due to a number of alcoholic libations, when I had this wonderful dream. I dreamt that I was in a nightclub and someone was playing go-go music. I was dancing and cavorting like a woodland nymph when suddenly my bladder indicated that it was time to wake up and visit the pissoir. Imagine my surprise to wake up and discover that the go-go music in my dream was actually from a car radio blaring its heart out at 11:30 at night. But JOHNNYLEEN, being the forgiving sort, thought to himself, "Ah well, it's not a big deal; after all, it is Saturday night." Then suddenly I realized it wasn't Saturday night at all! It was actually Sunday night and I had to get up for hateful ol' work the next morning! Now this is where the Golden Rule comes into play. JOHNNYLEEN would never, never, never do anything to convince someone that it was Saturday night when it was really Sunday! If that driver hadn't been playing the radio, I would have slept through the night and awakened to a Monday morning that I knew was coming. Instead, his radio (heartless instrument of Satan) fooled me into thinking I had one more day of fun and laughter-inducing shenanigans. However, JOHNNYLEEN will have the last laugh because Mrs. Talbert also taught, "'Vengeance is mine,' saith the Lord." So if you happen to find the burnt-out shell of a car reeking strongly of sulphur and brimstone, you'll know what happened. Next entry Previous entry Go to diary entries Go back home |